THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 3, 1999
Kindness in words creates confidence,
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness,
Kindness in giving creates love.
— Lao-Tze
You have to keep taking adventures and exposing yourself but there are things in daily living that hide behind everybody's heart and that's always fascinated me.
— Tori Amos
(Thanks to my mom, AKA Dr. Mom for the last one)
SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE
(Thanks to my "photographer" Craig)
By popular request, I finally put some nude pictures of myself up on the Internet!
Note to Mom: Don't faint! Look at them first before you panic!
Click here: Nude Photos of The Goddess
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I have great sex with my girlfriend. She's very vocal, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!', I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'. The only problem I have is when she screams, 'Deeper!'
If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then you'll get a great view of the women's butts when they get one out!
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king.'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'
The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't her income tax return. It's the zero adjust on her bathroom scale. — Arthur C. Clarke
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does a woman want? — Sigmund Freud
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. — Joan Rivers
My toughest fight was with my first wife. — Muhammad Ali
I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse. — Bumper Sticker
It's OK to laugh during sex — just don't point.
Q: Where have you been all my life?
A: I don't know, but I wish I were still there.
Love is the only drug you can take that will convince you each time that you've never had it before.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
IS THAT A SNAKE IN YOUR PANTS, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME? (Panama City, Florida) — Responding to a 911 call from pet store clerk Regina Creamer, police arrested James Collison after a boa constrictor peeped from under his shirt and a milk snake climbed out of a pants pocket.
Collison, 46, pleaded no contest Thursday to grand theft of the snakes from Bird World Pet Shop in June. Judge Dedee Costello sentenced him to two years of house arrest and probation.
The snakes, each about 3-1/2 feet long, are valued about $340.
"It was hilarious," Ms. Creamer said. "He kept saying he wasn't taking anything, but those snakes were just moving around and one was under his shirt, and he was doing all kinds of strange things and trying to keep it in there."
Collison's story, according to police, was that "he saw the snakes loose in the store and caught them and placed them into his pocket for safekeeping until he could find an employee." (AP)
POLITICS — Vice President Al Gore shocked scientists with a statement
from his office that local school boards had the right to teach creationism, although he personally favored the teaching of evolution...
... Or the science under which he was created — botany...
SPORTS — Miami Dolphin Tony Martin was acquitted of money laundering and conspiracy charges stemming from his friendship with a drug dealer...
... If found guilty he would have been sentenced to two years on the Dallas Cowboys...
THIS DAY IN HISTORY — for August 28
• In 1947, Herbert Streicher, otherwise known as XXX-rated actor Harry Reems, was born...
... He was born 9 pounds, and 2 foot, and thirteen inches long...
• In 1981, John Hinckley, Jr. pleaded innocent to charges of attempting to kill President Ronald Reagan...
... There went any chance he had with Jody Foster...
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—== BENT NEWS ==—
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC — Number of Americans who die every year from falling off their toilets: 20 (U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission)
BENT STATISTIC II — Number of people, mostly Japanese, that die every year from eating fugu at a restaurant: 50. Fugu is a specially prepared puffer fish, whose liver, skin, intestines, all contain the deadly poison tetrodotoxin.
— Cost of that dinner: $400 (that's a fact)
BENT STATISTIC III — Number of Americans who die every year from falling our of their beds: 256 ( U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission)
— On any given Monday morning I can believe it...
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek winner.
WOMEN — YATTA YATTA YATTA
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" —
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
When a woman is stressed out, she talks — on and on, yatta, yatta, yatta. When a woman is not stressed out, she also talks on and on. Generally speaking, a woman is generally speaking. Many men are under the misconception that a woman always has to have the last word. This is not true because a woman never gets to the last word.
Many people ask what do women talk about? But it is more accurate to ask what women do not talk about, and that answer is very clear: "tungsten arc welding." Women never talk about tungsten arc welding, though they talk about everything else. If they do talk about tungsten arc welding, however, it is how they feel about tungsten arc welding, and who are cute tungsten arc welders, but never about tungsten arc welding itself.
What a lot of women's talk focuses on, however, is gossip, and many a woman has picked up more dirt with her telephone than with her vacuum cleaner. This is not to imply that a woman will repeat gossip — at least not the way she heard it. Nor is it to imply that a woman can't keep a secret, because she will often say, "I'm telling you this in confidence because it was told to me in confidence." What we are saying is that if a woman hears something that leaves her speechless — you can be sure she'll talk about it.
NEXT WEEK: How to Ask a Man to Do Something
NEWS FLASH
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
Important Press Release:
The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.
In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'.
Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"
THE DILBERT NEWSLETTER
by Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert
DNRC Status — As you know, after Dogbert conquers the planet, we will become his New Ruling Class. Those who are not in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) will be our domestic servants. But we should not forget our humble beginnings. To that end, I bring you...
Managing Your Boss
This report from a DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class) member is a good example of how to manage your boss:
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill out a form to get it back. So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage and we never heard about the policy again.
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True Tales From Corporate Life
A DNRC member passed along this story from the Daily Telegraph in Great Britain:
"Managers on a training course were so keen to please their company that they agreed to run barefoot across a bed of hot embers in a test of mind over matter. Three of them sustained burnt feet and had to have time off work. Now the firm is to review its motivational techniques... Only one of the 63 managers on the motivation day training session refused the run..."
[Editorial note: It's easy to spot the one DNRC member in any crowd. And it goes without saying that the training course is run by DNRC pranksters who enjoy watching junior executives roast themselves.]
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True Tales Of Induhviduals
Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse. Here now, some reports from DNRC operatives in the field:
I was taking an "Assertiveness Training Seminar" sponsored by the American Management Association. The first day, 1.5 hours into the training session, an Induhvidual announced, "What? This is assertiveness training?" After we asked which class he was supposed to be in, he replied — get this — "Self Awareness." I think he was lucky to be in the right building.
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While riding with an Induhvidual, I noticed that she did not look behind her while pulling out of a parking space. So I asked her about it. She said that she could not see behind her. I explained that she could turn her body around or possibly look in the rear view mirror. She rolled her eyes and told me that they only did that in the movies.
God help us all.
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I was working on an IC layout when my boss nudged me away from my keyboard and said "I'll show you how to do it." Followed by, "What do I type to start?"
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The cafeteria at work has announced its latest plans. They have displayed big signs saying "Customers: Our Most Important Ingredient."
Stay clear of the meatballs!!
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I am an insurance claims analyst. After much negotiation with a particular Induhvidual, she finally agreed to settle her insurance claim for fifteen hundred dollars. I mailed a release to her and was surprised to receive a very irate telephone call from her about two days later. She accused me of trying to cheat her. I asked, "Doesn't the release form say fifteen hundred dollars?" She answered, "No, it says 'one thousand, five hundred dollars'."
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Recently we underwent a reorganization and my boss wanted a new catchy name for our group. Without any input from us, he decided to call our group "Product Information Systems" or PIS for short. A particularly witty co-worker asked to make up some posters with our new name to let everyone know of the name change. Our boss agreed. My co-worker made up posters and put them all over the office that said "PIS. We're #1" in big yellow letters. My boss changed our name back.
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A student complained that he could not format his paper properly. It turns out that he had typed his paper in Excel, entering one word in each cell.
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At my last job, the accounting group decided to have a lunchtime barbecue. The engineering group was watching from inside the building while the accountants set up their grill and tables. The accounting supervisor came out with a two-gallon can of acetone, borrowed from the manufacturing group, and soaked the charcoal. The engineers pounded on the windows and waved frantically to try and discourage the lighting of the match. The accountants waved back, happy to be noticed.
After the fireball, they found the grill about ten feet away and the dazed supervisor about five feet away. The accountants went hungry that day.
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Overheard, the following exchange between the judge and a prospective juror at the Montgomery Court of the Common Pleas in Norristown.
Judge: Is there any reason why any of you can't serve on the panel?
Citizen: Uh... I'm real busy with month-end closing and they absolutely NEED me at work. No one else can do my job, so I can't spend two days in a trial.
Judge: Well, what would happen if you got sick tonight and couldn't go to work for a couple of days?
Citizen: Oh, no problem, they'd just cover for me.
Judge: Sit DOWN!
Citizen: Uh.....uh.....oooooooooooohhhh.
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While I was a student at Cambridge University, England, there were several large bomb attacks on the city of London. On hearing that the IRA had claimed responsibility for the latest attack, an Induhvidual was heard to say "I don't understand why they claim responsibility. If I was a terrorist and had planted a bomb I wouldn't want anyone to know it was me." I told her she should work in PR.
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I work at a small software company. We ordered six personal computers, for delivery to our building. One disappeared while it was still in our shipping department. We asked around and no one knew what happened to it. So we checked the shipping records to make sure all six were delivered. Sure enough, all six were delivered. But in the same records, recorded a day later, a mystery package, weighing exactly the same weight as one of the computers, was shipped to the home of one of the people in the shipping department. Duh!
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Wise-Ass DNRC Comments
Coincidentally, the person that replied to the question turned in his notice yesterday.
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I work in a television station as a news photographer. Recently a young reporter was having trouble writing copy for a story and I helped her with what I thought was a well-turned phrase. My suggested phrase included a word that she didn't know, and she said she didn't like using a word if she didn't know its definition.
I quipped, "The words you don't know could fill the dictionary."
She thought she was defending herself when she responded, "Yeah, but it would have to be a big one."
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While counseling a colleague for all the alcohol on his expense report, he countered with "I took the extra insurance at the car rental booth."
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A few days ago, I ordered a large vanilla milkshake from the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant. The Induhvidual taking my order asked, "Would you like anything to drink with that?" Thinking that this was a good opportunity to poke fun, I said, "Yeah, a large vanilla milkshake." When I pulled up to the window, I was given two large vanilla milkshakes.
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When people on the Harvard Campus try to call a particular airline, but forget to dial 9 for an outside line, they get my phone number instead. This happens frequently.
My response is, "Are you calling from Harvard University?"
The caller always answers in amazement: "Why, yes! Yes, I am! I am calling from Harvard!"
I say, "Then you should be smart enough to dial 9 for an outside line."
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I used have a boss who was both incompetent and a jerk. One morning during a staff meeting he told us about his frustration of not being able to remember phone numbers. He went on by saying he had read in a magazine that the brain is like a computer's hard drive — once it becomes full of information, it can't hold any more. He reasoned that since he could no longer remember anyone's phone number, his brain must have reached its capacity.
Not being able to stand this anymore, I warned my fellow employees in the room not to tell him anything or he might lose bladder control. This caused everyone (except my boss) to erupt in hysterical laughter. Fortunately, my boss didn't get the joke!
THE TOP 13 DIFFERENCES IF ANIMALS PLAYED PROFESSIONAL SPORTS
13. Team of trainers required to get Charlie Centipede's ankles taped by game time.
12. Dennis Rodman FINALLY fits in.
11. Martina Hingis no longer the only bitch on the pro tennis tour.
10. Only jackasses allowed in professional wrestli... er, never mind.
9. New comedy bit: "What's on first?"
8. Fido's big "touchdown dance" consists of trying in vain to catch his tail.
7. Giraffe outfielders put a serious dent in Mark McGwire's home run production.
6. Mike Tyson put to sleep for biting.
5. No one has yet managed to tackle the team's new running back, Paul Porcupine.
4. Sports bras now available with 8 cups.
3. The Chicago Bears have to forfeit second half of the season when the entire team goes into hibernation.
2. Marge Schott? Still a cow.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if Animals Played Professional Sports...
1. Only one camera required to cover the hamster marathon.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TRUE MEDICAL STORIES
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
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"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
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After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive."
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"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
MEN ARE LIKE...
Men are like... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men are like... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like... cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
(Given by Males Only)
• "Are you ready to leave?" — Definition of the word "yes"
• Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
• Elementary Map Reading
• Crying and law enforcement
• Advanced Math Seminar — Program your VCR
• You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
• Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
• The Seven-Outfit Week
• PMS — It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty — Deal With It)
• Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
• Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
• Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
• Driving IV: Makeup and Driving — It's As Simple As Oil and Water
• The Super Bowl: Not a Game — A Sacrament
• Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
• How to Earn Your Own Money
• Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
• Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
• Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
• Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
• We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
• MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
• Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
• Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
• What Goes Around Comes Around — Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
• The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
• His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
• Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
• "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
• Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome in The House
THE TOP 12 SIGNS THIS SCHOOL YEAR IS GOING TO SUCK
12. Not being allowed to wear your black trenchcoat means you'll have to try to look intimidating in a lavender ski jacket.
11. "Mike, report to Principal Kevorkian's office."
10. 10th grade sucked last year. 10th grade will probably suck again this year.
9. All the other third grade boys have a "Phantom Menace" lunchbox, but your mom decided to get you the more recent "Runaway Bride" lunchbox.
8. First-period P.E. with Mr. Torquemada and Mr. de Sade.
7. As you're escorted from the metal detector to the strip search room you realize that this was not the ideal summer to have all that body piercing done.
6. Five more years till you can do it with Ms. LeTourneau again.
5. Your mom's shopping habits, combined with a Sears clearance sale on Underroos, has left you in quite a locker room dilemma.
4. The female goatee just hasn't caught on yet.
3. Your long-planned Kansas State Science Fair project on Australopithecus is going to get you burned as a witch.
2. Thanks to Hollywood, warm apple pie no longer on cafeteria menu.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign This School Year is Going to Suck...
1. 1600 on the PSATs and a National Merit Scholar as a junior and nobody knows who you are, but get drunk and have sex with just *one* goat at a party...
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE MAN'S DICTIONARY FOR UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
| SHE SAYS |  |
ENGLISH | |
| You want | | You want | |
| We need | | I want | |
| We need to talk | | I need to complain | |
| Sure... go ahead | | I don't want you to | |
| I'm not upset | | Of course I'm upset, you're a moron. | |
| I'll be ready in a minute. | | Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. | |
| Is my butt fat? | | Tell me I'm beautiful. | |
| You have to learn to communicate. | | Just agree with me. | |
| Are you listening to me!? | | [Too late, your dead.] | |
| Yes | | No | |
| No | | No | |
| Maybe | | No | |
| I'm sorry. | | You'll be sorry. |
IN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "WHAT'S WRONG?"
| SHE SAYS | |
ENGLISH | |
| The same old thing. | | Nothing. | |
| Nothing. | | Everything. | |
| Everything. | | My PMS is acting up. | |
| Nothing, really. | | It's just that you're such an asshole. | |
| I don't want to talk about it. | | Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you. |
THE TYPICAL MALE
For the first week, it's the best sex they've ever had [well, OK, more like the best sex HE's ever had].
During the second week, it's still pretty good, but the guy begins to feel like something is missing.
By the end of the third week, the guy is having a hard time getting motivated.
So one day he calls Cindy over to him and suggests that she try his shirt on. She is puzzled, but complies. He regards her for a moment and shakes his head; not good enough.
He then has her put his pants on. Looks her over. Nope, not quite.
Then he gives her his shoes and hat, and she puts them on. Almost, he thinks.
Finally he suggests that she start acting like a guy. Cindy doesn't understand this at all. Just pretend you're a guy for 15 minutes, he says.
Cindy does her best to act like a guy. Evidently it's good enough. The guy steps up to her, throws an arm around her in a fraternal sort of way, and says, "Man! You are not gonna BELIEVE who I've been sleeping with for the past three weeks!"
WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means... "You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"I missed you."
Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again
"We share the housework."
Really means... "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"
