THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 10, 1999
Never doubt that a group of people can change the world.
Indeed that is all that ever has.
Margaret Mead
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
DeYahoo: The feeling you've searched the web for this before.
Let's play a game its called bureaucracy... the first one to do anything loses.
At Lorena Bobbit's trial, she admitted that she DID want sex the night of the crime, but she wanted it TO GO.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane... unfortunately, I'm married to a speedbump.
My knight in shining armor is lost in the woods and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. Joe Theismann, football commentator
I have the Midas touch... everything I touch turns into a muffler!
On Relativity: I don't understand it. It took me 100 years to get from 10 to 18 years old. But it's only taken 6 months to go from 18 to 41.
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Reject and condemn prejudice based on race, gender, religion and age then go to Hooter's to drink beer, stare at girls and tell Iraqi jokes.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
MORE UM, RECREATIONAL HOBBIES Japanese people celebrated as the birth control pill finally went on sale in their country, nearly four decades after it first appeared in the West...
... It's the first celebration where everybody went home to bed instead of staying out and partying...
SPORTS Playing in a major league game for the first time since he was arrested in Tampa, Florida on drug and soliciting prostitution charges, Darryl Strawberry struck out twice and drew a walk against the Oakland A's...
... The low point was when he tried to snort the base line on the way to first...
FASHION The New York City Correction Officers' Benevolent Association has sued the Big Apple's Department of Correction for barring female prison guards from wearing skirts on the job, even though some women protest that they cannot wear slacks for religious reasons...
... After all, half of the male prisoners wear them...
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT IRONY AWARD GOES TO: Bernard Lewinsky, the Beverly Hills doctor, and father to Monica, recently received a request from the Clinton Legal Expense Trust asking for help in paying off the $10.5 million in legal expenses of Clinton and his wife,
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
BENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: "You must be morons to send me this letter!" Bernard Lewinsky's scribbled note on the envelope that he also wrote ''Return to sender'' and mailed.
BENT STATISTIC: The lifetime risk that you will be on a bridge when it collapses: 1 in 4,000,000
BENT STATISTIC II: Percentage of U.S. bridges that are obsolete or structurally flawed: 40%.
-- In other words about every other time you cross a bridge you ought to run like hell...
THE SKY IS FALLING! (Caldwell, Ohio) Lloyd Albright, a Kennedy Space Center computer programmer thought that a meteor, a fragment of comet Lee was going to hit the earth so he headed for a cave in southeast Ohio and hid for two days. Deputies found Albright, along with camping equipment, dried food and 16 guns. A Noble County Sheriff officer, Landon Smith said, "He very sincerely thought there was a meteor that was going to hit the Atlantic Ocean and cause a tidal wave 200 feet high." NASA said the closest Comet Lee will come to earth is 77 million miles by the end of September.
-- Makes it easy to sleep at night knowing NASA has only the best working on the space program...
BENT STATISTIC: Age of Johannesburg South African Nicklaas Amsterdam: 112. Asked how he managed to life so long, he said that no sex and no women were the answer. "I have never had a woman to give me a headache," Amsterdam, said. (Reuters)
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line: "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
OK, six rules.
NEXT WEEK: What Men Are Saying While A Woman Is Talking
THE TOP 12 THEORIES DEVELOPED BY CARL SAGAN WHILE STONED
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The late astronomer and author Carl Sagan was a secret but avid marijuana smoker, crediting it with inspiring essays and scientific insight, according to Sagan's biographer. (From a recent Associated Press story.)
12. The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with the drum solo in "In A Gadda Da Vida," man!
11. "Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far."
10. The Theory of Munchitivity: At times, peanut butter is more valuable than gold.
9. The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.
8. "Someday, with all of our advances in science and technology, we'll be able to land a man on the sun."
7. The Big Bong Theory
6. If you took a hit while traveling at the speed of light, you'd get one major rush, dude.
5. Betty Crocker brownies > Duncan Hines brownies
4. "Theory of Joint Relativity": A complex quantum physics equation that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile travels with you at the wheel.
3. Floyd rocks!
2. A single "You Are Here" sign will work EVERYwhere.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Theory Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned...
1. Wow, man! There are, like, a LOT of stars. There must be *hundreds* of 'em. Maybe even *thousands*. No, *millions and millions*! Wait I'm onto something here...
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
OPTHAMOLOGY
[Thanks to my sister, The Goddess Cyndy]
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed.
The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........
" ...... You just happened to catch my eye."
DEMOTIVATIONAL SAYINGS
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
THE BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
Some of these are from "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer".
(Around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
(Spotted on Cape Cod by several readers) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed" gentleman)
(On the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping
What If The Hokey Pokey *Is* Really What It's All About?
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(on the front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS Be Audit You Can Be
Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt
If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
First National Bank Of Dad: Sorry, Closed
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off
I Speak Fluent Patriarchy, But It's Not My Mother Tongue
I'm Busy. You're Ugly. Have a nice Day!
COMPUTER QUOTES...
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work.'
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hit any user to continue.
I wish life had an UNDO function.
If your computer says: Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the 'OK' button.
It said: 'Insert disk 3...' but only 2 fit in the drive.
Microsoft Windows: Computing While U Wait
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook
Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. Joseph Campbell
MORE FROM "HUMOR IN THE COURT"
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OPPOSING ATTORNEY: Objection! That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
PHILOSOPHY 101 THE 1999 VERSION
[Thanks to Fred The God of Golf]
THE QUESTION:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
THE ANSWERS:
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road It's as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
IMMANUEL KANT:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
L. A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
PREDESTINATION
[Thanks again to Craig]
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. He took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff to assure himself of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"
CLINTON SCANDAL REVISITED
1. She must have blown a rod.
2. Obviously, her driving sucks, too.
3. It's not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
4. I wonder how badly THIS accident stained her dress?
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S DEFINITION OF SEX
NEW CLINTON SEX SCANDAL
News... Sherri Molelinsky Files Action Dateline...Yuma, Arizona
Ms. Sherri Molelinsky, a 65 year old, 5' 1", Jewish African American filed a $2,000,000
sex discrimination complaint in Federal Court today. This incident occurred when
Molelinsky toured the White House in March of 1998.
Molelinsky claims that President Clinton never molested her in the Oval Office because of her religion, color, age and height.
As further proof of her non-molestation, she had told three friends and Linda Tripp about the lack of sexual contact by the President.
Sherri told this reporter, "That it's not about money, and that she does not have a book deal lined up yet."
Robert Bennett, Clinton's attorney, issued a short denial quoting the President's reaction to this new sex charge." The President denies not having sex with Sherri what's-her-name. "
25 WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak slower so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk about how great it is up north, tell them "Delta's ready when you are."
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke; every motorcycle as a "Honder," etc.
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send them a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names (e.g., Lisa Marie, Jim Bob, etc.).
11. Frequently bring up the "War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War," always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and all females as "little lady."
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: "It's "pee-can.""
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say, "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say "Well, I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies... banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba".
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into an Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left" "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..."
24. Ask them if its still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
QUICKIES
[Thanks again to Craig]
Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
You should have hobbies. I have a large seashell collection. I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
- Women
- Fractions
BLINDED BY SCIENCE
"In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand." Gerald Holton
"If I have not seen as much as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." Hal Abelson
"In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." Brian K. Reid
