THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 17, 1999
People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Don't bother getting married just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early do...
The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed and half-closed thereafter! Benjamin Franklin
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages?
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex but Congress can. Cullen Hightower
It's my job to make sure none of these guys wakes up with seven hookers and a pound of marijuana. LeRoy Butler, Packers safety on taking over the role as team leader
Two rules for life:
1.Don't tell people everything you know.
Women are successful in the business world because the business world was created by men. Men are babies. And women are good with kids. P.J. O'Rourke, begging for hate mail in Forbes FYI
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Mae West
Instead of "Hurricane Dennis," they should have name it "Hurricane Dentist," because that's WAY more intimidating. Mark Niebuhr
The wise masters all say that the path to enlightenment is attained through compassion, thoughtfulness and a deep respect for all life. And it wouldn't hurt to know some kung-fu so you can kick the ass of any moron who refuses to listen. John Roney
When I was little, I stepped on a nail to see if I could bend it with my bare foot. One tetanus shot later, I came to the conclusion that I was not Superman, but a slightly younger, dumber, fatter Batman. Zach Patterson
Do you think that lemming parents ever use the argument: "If all of your friends decided to not jump off a cliff, would you?" John Erjavec V
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Be tactful, never alienate anyone on purpose. Try to make it look like an accident.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:POLITICS --Monica Lewinsky revealed that she has been enrolled at a Jenny Craig Inc.'s weight loss program since earlier this summer. "Anyone who has struggled with excess weight knows that this is a very personal issue, and it's not easy to talk about," said Ms. Lewinsky, in a statement released on the company's Internet site...
... Ironically, Hillary Clinton is planning on losing about 225 pounds of excess weight after she leaves the White House...
POLITICS II Vice President Gore and his wife, Tipper, got an ovation from the MCI Center crowd a few weeks ago at the first of three sold-out shows by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in the nation's capital, where some people paid more than $200 for a seat...
... Then Tipper had Springsteen arrested for suggestive lyrics...
SPORTS The New York Yankees have yet again purchased the contract of Darryl Strawberry to help them drive for the playoffs...
... Whether it's women, drugs or baseball, you know he can score...
WHAT? At the University of Texas in Austin scientists have found that lesbians may have slightly more sensitive hearing than heterosexual women...
... That explains why they are attracted to women because they're better at hearing men...
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
WEATHER The Miss America Organization has plans to evacuate its 51 national contestants from Atlantic City this week, if Hurricane Floyd begins to pose a danger...
"In case of flooding, your implants can be used as a floatation device..."
BORN TO BE FREE (Seattle) A 37-year-old Olympia woman (a transsexual) climbed up an electrical tower at 7:26 AM last week. The tower carries electrical lines next to an interstate bridge over the Lake Washington Ship Canal. Wearing only shorts, she danced, drank vodka, and spat the liquor out of her mouth while lighting it on fire. Seattle City Light cut power to protect the woman, leaving 5,000 customers without electricity. Traffic was stopped short for over an hour. At the urging of police shortly before 9 AM she donned a halter top and descended. She was arrested for investigation of criminal trespass and indecent exposure. (AP)
Probably just a bad hair day...
OOOH, DO THAT AGAIN (Sunderland, England) A jeans-clad mechanical 'bottom' is being used to test the durability of car seats at Japanese car giant Nissan's manufacturing plant The "Nissan bottom," modeled on a 154-pound person, slides onto the car seat, rubs back and forth three times, and then slides off. The test is repeated, without a break, on each car 15,000 times over a period of three days, equivalent to 32 years of traveling to and from work almost an entire working life for many drivers.
They say the cars come out with smiles on their faces
FOOTBALL MARATHON CHAIR (Monroe Mich.) La-Z-Boy Inc. has introduced the first reclining chair ever with a built-in electric cooler. The new chair, dubbed "Oasis" will be sold at its 2,500 U.S. stores. Costing $899, the chair is armed with a thermo-electric cooling unit underneath a flip-up armpad that can hold up to six 12-ounce cans and features a built-in cup holder. The chair also sports a telephone and 10-motor massage and heat system. (Reuters)
Now if only they had a built in urinal
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Vice President Al Gore is expected to release a new Justice Department report on cyberstalking that criticizes many local law enforcement agencies for underestimating the magnitude and severity of the problem.
Of course, if you're that little freak outside my window watching me write this, you already know that.
On ABC's "20/20" this week, they showed a new kind of breast implant that allows you to increase or decrease its size with a handheld device.
I think I speak for all men when I say, "honey, where's the remote?!?!"
Utah Sen. Robert Bennett apologized to black leaders this week for his comment that George W. Bush couldn't fail to win the GOP presidential nomination unless "some black woman comes forward with an illegitimate child that he fathered."
Bennett admitted he was only theoretically familiar with the existence of African-Americans, as he had not actually seen one in Utah in the last 25 years.
Conservative commentator and GOP presidential candidate Pat Buchanan said Sunday that he is "seriously" considering bolting the Republican Party and seeking the Reform Party's nomination.
Hasbro indicates that, despite doing the same for Reform Party figure Jesse Ventura, it has no plans to manufacture Pat Buchanan action figures.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKEA state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
WHAT MEN ARE SAYING WHILE A WOMAN IS TALKING
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
You can always count on a man to hold his own in a conversation. These are only a few of the things a man will say if, in fact, he's capable of saying anything at all.
1. Un Huh.
2. I see
6. No kidding?
7. Go on.
8. Imagine that.
During this period, a man should keep nodding like those toy dogs with the bobbing heads you see in the backs of cars.
NEXT WEEK: The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man to Do Something
NEW WINDOWS ERRORS
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. MicroSoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
THE WISDOM OF SUPERMODELSChallenges can seem almost insurmountable at times. And things appear to be getting not only harder, but weirder as well. One seeks inspiration and turns to the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, the Torah. But sometimes they're not enough. That's when you need... The Wisdom of Supermodels!
[Thanks to Fred the God of Golf]
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." Cindy Crawford
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." Beverly Johnson
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." Christie Brinkley
"I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." Tatjana Patitz
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." Tyra Banks
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." Tyra Banks
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." Gabrielle Reece
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, "What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." Cheryl Tiegs
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." --Tatjana Patitz
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath." Naomi Campbell
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." Cindy Crawford
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." Paulina Porizkova
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." Linda
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." --
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." Linda Evangelista
ALCOHOL WARNING LABELSDue to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
[Thanks again to Sharon]
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR CONSUMERSKeep in mind, as you read these, that there is probably a reason behind the necessity for these labels. One that probably includes a law suit and a stupid person, but not in that order.
[Thanks to Twila]
*** Actual label instructions on consumer goods ***
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(I would hope so!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
On lawnmower instructions:
Do not use to trim bushes or hedges.
(But hair is OK, right?)
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT
16. Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
15. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
14. Always lands on her spleen.
13. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
12. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
11. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
10. Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.
9. Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
8. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
7. It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
6. "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
5. Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
4. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...
1. Has more chins than lives.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
STRANGERS ON A TRAIN
[Thanks again to John]
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment, they both went to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the, night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married".
"Why not", says the eager man.
"Good", she replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!
RULES TO BE A MAN Don't call. ever.
Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal like "Spike."
Play with yourself. Talk about it.
You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
Never ask for help. Even if you really need it don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
Say things like, "wha...?"
Deny Everything. Everything.
Don't have a clue.
If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
Tell this to a girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
Do not make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. if you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce in an hour."
At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.
Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the front door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you've been laid in.
When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, and sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
The best sex position is you, lying face up... and 20 girls on top.
Practice your blank stare.
If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try you manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "See?? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
Don't listen to "pussy" or "chick" music like Erasure, Color Me Badd, Sinead O'Cooner, Journey, Harry Connick, Jr., or oldies.
Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
Make dates with girls, then don't show up, just to see how long they will wait for you. Later, tell them something vague like, "something came up."
When a woman is right and you are wrong, just acknowledge the fact that she has penis envy.
AGE-OLD WISDOM Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10
[Thanks again to Sharon]
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?", don't answer him. --Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13
Don't squat with your spurs on. Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Traci, 14
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Armir, 9
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, 8
METAPHYSICAL ATTRACTIONThe Pick-up Couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.
"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex, I bask in the sun, then I have sex-twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. Supper, then sex till late at night. Sleep then start all over again."
"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven!"
"No, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU WON'T WIN AN MTV VIDEO AWARD13. Some bastard keeps tuning your guitar.
12. "Best non-rhyming victim in a drive-by shooting" *still* not a category.
11. You're Livin' La Vida No-Talenta.
10. Because Kurt Loder cannot be bought, Mister Nose Candy!
9. VH-1 just completed your "Where are they now?" segment.
8. Budget cuts forced you to use a white, middle-aged heterosexual male choreographer.
7. Special effects? You hired an alcoholic cinematographer with the shakes, for that "Blair Witch" look.
6. Your hit rap song disses women executives in the music industry; Strike One. Your proposed solution: "Slap dem 'ho's around a bit"; Strikes two and three.
5. Your double-major studies at Julliard severely cut into your washboard ab building time.
4. Your band name: Barenaked Fat Guys
Your video features: Barenaked Fat Guys
3. You confused video award shows and submitted the tape of your cousin Earl stepping on a rake.
2. The only video of you on TV this month shows you hiding a kilo of heroin in the kosher meal cart of American Airlines flight 393.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an MTV Video Award...
1. Still no category for "Most Wasted Punk Burning Stuff at Woodstock."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White