THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 24, 1999
Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart.
Crosby, Stills & Nash
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
They make a great couple; the rocks in her head fit the holes in his.
Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no. Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
Sex drive: a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage. Robert Byrne
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P.J. O'Rourke
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. Don Rose
Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Rene Yasenek
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. George Jean Nathan
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
I hate women because they always know where things are. James Thurber
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
The common cold of the male psyche, fear of commitment. Richard Schickel
The only thing I regret about my life is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make all the same mistakes only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Remember that the more you know that the less you fear. Unless you worry about everything, then the less you know the less you will fear.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting that Newt Gingrich and his estranged wife Marianne "have reached a confidential agreement on how to divide their income and assets while their legal separation proceeds." The agreement ensures the divorce proceeding will be kept from the public...
... Newt thinks marital indiscretions should be kept private? Tell Bill Clinton about that one, Newt...
The New York Post's report that Hillary Rodham Clinton was eyeing plastic surgery are not true, according to her spokeswoman Marsha Berry. The tabloid said Mrs. Clinton had spent nearly an hour recently consulting with a Manhattan plastic surgeon about a face lift...
... Bill is two-faced. Maybe she can borrow one from him...
FINANCE:
In Mexico, a couple was arrested and charged with engaging in a lewd act in public after being surprised making love inside an ATM glass room reserved for bank customers withdrawing money...
... So the guy had to make TWO early withdrawals...
INTELLIGENCE IN A BOTTLE? (STOCKHOLM) A new Swedish clothes shop handed out free shampoo to customers at its opening without realizing the bottles contained red toner. Bengt Svensson, owner of the shop in Ronneby, southern Sweden, said the mistake was likely to cost about 10,000 Swedish crowns ($1,220) with angry customers, particularly blondes, demanding payment for hairdressing bills. "We've paid out so much that we are demanding money back from the company that delivered the shampoo to us," Svensson told the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet Thursday. (Reuters)
Meanwhile, during that brief period, the average IQ of the country soared 50 points.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC Percentage of men who claim to be happiest when they're alone: 66%
BENT STATISTIC II Number of cans of Spam consumed every second: 3.1
... All of them eaten by men who told their wives the first statistic
BENT STATISTIC III Percentage of people who have thrown away a dish to avoid washing it: 11%
... All with a little Spam left on them
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
... The scenario involved the failure of a spellchecker leading to a President George W. Bush attack on the wrong nation.
Biologists have discovered a previously unknown species of rabbit in the forested mountains between Laos and Vietnam, an animal with short ears, short tail, yellowish fur with black stripes on the back and a red rump.
... [Insert Dennis Rodman punch line here]
The executive who oversees Disney's GO Network Internet sites (www.go.com) has been arrested--accused of going online to solicit sex with a 13-year-old girl.
... F-E-L-O-N-Y, Why? Because you're a $%^&* pervert!
After 10 years of rescues and relationships, "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff is reportedly close to retiring.
... On his last show, his co-stars plan to give him a 21-bun salute.
William Berle, author of the new tell-all biography, "My Father, Uncle Miltie", claims that when he was 16, his father arranged for him to lose his virginity by hiring a Las Vegas hooker.
... I have just one question: was it Siegfried or Roy?
Hubble telescope images show the center of the Milky Way is a violent region with clouds of molecular hydrogen, laced with dust.
... Also present: creamy nougat and rich milk chocolate!
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
This one New Yorker married himself a pretty blonde southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked, "What they don't use those things where you come from?"
"Yeah," she said, "but we don't skin 'em!"
THE RIGHT AND WRONG WAY TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING
(This Week's Selected Excerpts from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you". For example:
Do say: Would you take out the garbage?
Do not say: Could you get off your fat ass and do something around here? What am I, the fucking maid?
Do say: Would you like to have a menage-a-trois with our next door neighbor Betty?
Do not say: Could you learn how to perform oral sex on me so I don't have to have a lesbian affair with our next-door-neighbor, Betty.
Do say: Would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king", or "happy meal" in their advertising.
Do say: Would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: Could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn that I never get a break from ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
Do say: Would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: Could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: Would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: Could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: Would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: Could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? No? Then get your tubes tied or I'll have your dick snipped!
Do say: Would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: Could you move out?
Do say: Would you get out of my life?
Do not say: Could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".
NEXT WEEK: What Men Are Thinking While A Woman Is Talking
KID STUFF
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's clothes!!!"
JEWISH DEFINITIONS
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the babys diaper.
DISORIYENTA
When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
DEJA NU
Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
IMPASTA
Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWDO
A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
AFIKOMMENTS
Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
TORAHFIED
Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT
An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
JEWBILATION
Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
YENTILITY
A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include, "trust me", "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY
To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
KINDERSCHLEP
To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS
Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION
Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BLINTZKRIEG
A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!"
BUBBEGUM
Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
MINYASTICS
Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MEINSTEIN
Slang: "My son, the genius."
BRIS AND TELL
A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story.
DISCAHKENTUDE
Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn.
DIS-KVELLIFIED
vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.)
FLEISHADICK
A Jewish flasher
FEELAWFUL
Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
GOYFER
A gentile messenger
HEBORT
To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE
Israeli aftershave.
HINDSTEIN
A Semitic smart-ass.
ISROYALTY
Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF.
MISHPOCHAMARKS
The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT
Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHA NA NA
A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
SANTASHMANTA
The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SHIKSABOB
A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morrie Greenblatt.
SHOFARSOGUT
The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
BIALY ACHE
The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
IRRESISTIBLE
Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deeds to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There's another blinding flash,
...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
MEN!!!
[Thanks to again to Sharon]
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.
Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.
Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A: "My wife says.."
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.
Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN...
A cat matures as it grows older.
Back hair on cats is cute.
It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
Cats comfort you when you are sick.
When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
A cat is loyal.
Cats actually think with their heads.
"Meow" is never a lie.
They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.
It's more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.
To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.
A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
Cats can't show love without meaning it.
Cats are always cute.
The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water, and a clean litter box.
WHY PUPPIES ARE BETTER THAN BOYFRIENDS...
Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had.
A puppy always comes to you when you call it.
If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached.
All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects.
Puppies love you unconditionally.
It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy.
You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies.
Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts / more money / better looks / a better body / etc.
Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal.
Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them."
Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks.
A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.
Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room.
A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason.
You can train your puppy to do tricks like play dead "all day."
If you have a neighbor you don't like, you won't be as embarrassed if your Puppy poops all over his lawn.
Puppies don't even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.
Puppies won't get jealous of all of your male friends.
Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify.
A Puppy's face in the toilet bowl is less alarming.
Puppies don't leave the toilet seat up.
Puppies don't have to show other puppies that it's "the puppy of its house."
Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away.
Puppies don't do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean.
Puppies won't ask "Why don't you look like THAT?" when watching TV.
Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair.
Puppies don't mind staying home with the kids.
Because puppies can't read maps; they have a GOOD excuse for getting lost.
Puppies don't have double-standards.
There's no such thing as an EX-puppy...
COMPUTER QUOTES...
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. Dick Brandon
Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
Computer programmers never die... they just byte the dust.
Intel Inside: The world's most commonly used warning label.
A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. Doug Linder
THE TOP 50 JOKES
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni
2. "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" Rich Jeni
3. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Jeff Green
4. "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger." Jeff Green
5. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" John Wing
6. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' " Francois Morency
7. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.' " Rich Jeni
8. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves
9. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc
10. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Jimmy Shubert
11. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Rich Jeni
12. "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." Marta Chaves
13. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine
14. "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." Flacco
15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." Tim Steeves
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" Tim Steeves
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" Tim Steeves
19. "Id like to help the homeless, but they're never home." LennyClarke
20. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips
21. "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott
22. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blowjob no matter how bad it is." Lenny Clarke
23. "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels." Carlos Mencia
24. "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example." Rich Jeni
25. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips
26. "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." Rich Jeni
27. "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." Mike Wilmot
28. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' " Emo Philips
29. "I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunk of poutine in my arteries." Marta Chaves
30. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni
31. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Rene Hicks
32. "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key." Ronnie Edwards
33. "Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America Nebraska." Carlos Mencia
34. "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' " Jeff Green
35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative) "It's never 'positive sexual side-effects.' It's never 'gigantism', is it?" Tim Steeves
36. "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to know for sure." Tim Steeves
37. "And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven.' " Jean-Marie Bigard
38. "When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax." Emo Philips
39. "Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself." Mike Wilmot
40. "In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo." Carlos Mencia
41. "Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale." Marta Chaves
42. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Emo Philips
43. "My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head." Elon Gold
44. "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." Derek Edwards
45. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Kevin James
46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim) "I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear." Mike Wilmot
47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties) "Just before we go in she turns to me and says, 'Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and...' Oh, man. So why bring me?" (Then on departing) "She turned to me and said, 'How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?' So I pointed out to her that it was *me* who vomited." John Ljungberg
48. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Emo Philips
49. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Rich Jeni
50. "Does Tampax really need its own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.' " Elvira Kurt
THE SWEET SOUNDS OF LOVE
"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse,"
"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."
The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're
really doing!"
The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within a mile hears the following:
"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"
SAVED PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
