THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 1, 1999
Remember that you don't choose love.
Love chooses you.
All you can really do
Is accept it for all its mystery
when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
Then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person
Who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others
Who deem it poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in anyway you can.
Unknown Author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I don't care if I AM a lemming, I'm still not going.
Scientists announced today that they have found a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it. George Carlin
Women do not, snore, burp, sweat or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will explode.
My wife has gotten tired of planning meals. Now she just kicks the shelves at the supermarket. Whatever falls off, she takes.
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. Jay Leno
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. Dwight D. Eisenhower
When life gives you lemons, tie your worst enemy up in the bathtub, give him a thousand paper cuts, and squeeze lemon juice all over him. Eric Peterson
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it's probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you. Bill Grieser
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Never swap your integrity for money, power or fame unless you think it is worth more.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
PUBLIC ICONS... (Beijing, China) The embalmed corpse of Mao Zedong, still a hallowed icon of Chinese communism, was back on public display in Beijing after nine months of touch-ups...
He looks much better now they got the same embalmer who does Al Gore...
HISTORICAL TRIVIA: Frederick the Great, to break his Prussian soldiers of wiping their noses on their uniform sleeves, had roughcast bronze buttons sewn on all the sleeves.
Eeeeewwww... And all this time we thought it was a fashion statement....
POLITICS: Dan Quayle, unable to keep pace with George W. Bush's fundraising juggernaut, has decided to drop out of the 2000 presidential race
That's going to disappoint his supporters both of them
FINALLY... (China) Chinese surgeons have operated on a man with three tongues,
removing two of them so that he can eat and speak normally for the first time in 20 years, a Chinese news agency (Xinhua) reported...
Why does the guy need to speak? All he had to do before was open his mouth and he got plenty of dates...
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Two airlines have instructed pilots to fly Boeing 737's up to 23 m.p.h. faster to avoid serious rudder malfunction.
Hey, I've seen this before. They need to get Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves to fly those things.
A new study by Yale scientist David Skelly finds evidence that healthy animals detect and avoid the company of sick animals.
... yet, inexplicably, humans still watch The Jerry Springer show in record numbers.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC: Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75% Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%
Guess it doesn't take a lot of brains to want liposuction
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HARVARD... (Vassar College) A male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer. Apparently he admitted to authorities that he slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. In a bit of karmic justice, the girl took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil".
[I think this girl went on to become a Dallas cheerleader]
SOWS NEED SUN LOTION TO ENJOY MATING: (Copenhagen, Denmark) Sows need sun lotion to enjoy summer mating, a Danish pig expert says. "One can imagine that a sow doesn't like having a 250 kg breeding boar mounting her if her back is scorched by the sun," the daily newspaper Politiken on Friday quoted Liselotte Madsen as saying.
[Who does?]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying...
"A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"
WHAT MEN ARE THINKING WHILE A WOMAN IS TALKING
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
1. The last time I saw a mouth like hers, there was a fishhook in it.
2. God, can this woman talk up a storm. She must be doing 150 words a minute. With gusts up to 190.
3. This woman can chew a man's ear off faster than Mike Tyson in a rematch.
4. This bimbo's conversation is riveting. I wonder if her bra clasps in the front or the back?
5. If this bitch keeps up with this yatta yatta, I'm going to handcuff her, frisk her, and tell her she has a right to remain silent. And then I'm going to frisk her again.
NEXT WEEK: How To Flatter The Pants Off A Woman
THE TELETUBBIE PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Which is your favorite Teletubbie?
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
Have you picked one? Good. Here's what your choice means:
** Profile For Women **
A. Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are likely to clash with Red Teletubbies.
B. Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
** Profile For Men **
A. Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
THE TOP 13 THINGS ON DAN QUAYLE'S TO-DO LIST
NOTE FROM CHRIS: American Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle announced yesterday that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, citing his inability to raise campaign money as the main factor behind his decision.
13. Sort marbles, by size and color.
12. Finally travel up North to see Mexico!
11. Cancel "Presidency for Dummies" book deal.
10. Sue the hell out of Dairy Queen for using my initials.
9. Wife wants a vacation talk to Dole about that Niagra place he's been raving about.
8. Return to Planet Ork, make final report to Orson.
7. Eat a big bowl of ice cream for dinner, then stay up as late as I want to!
6. Form exploratory committee to investigate running for Queen of England.
5. Try to snag some VIP seats to the opening ceremonies for the upcoming Olympic Games in Atlanta.
4. Stay focused and begin work on 2002 Presidential election.
3. Try to have the best Pokemon collection of any politician.
2. Call George W. Bush and wish him luck; compliment him on how much younger he looks than when he was president.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Dan Quayle's To-Do List...
1. Get out the Legos and build my own damn White House!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE?
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with a question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father: "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
BIZARRE STATE LAWS
IN ARIZONA:
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. (This goes back in the days of the Wild West.)
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
IN MINNESOTA:
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop their head.
It is illegal to sleep naked.
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
It is the duty of any policeman or any other officer to kill any cat found running at large in any street, alley or public place in Hibbing, Minnesota.
ENGLISH WELL SPEECHED HERE...
These are from the book "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer.
The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."
An airline ticket office in Copenhagen
reminds you: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
"A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."
A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
"Come inside and have a fit."
A hotel notice in Madrid informs:
"If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid."
This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
"The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
"If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."
This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor:
"For sale boat single owner green in colour."
A sign at Budapest's zoo requests:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to the guard on duty."
A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
"As for the trout served you at the hotel monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."
A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions:
"Order now your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation"
A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims:
"American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest methodists."
The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job:
"Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences."
Some German hospitals now display the sign:
"No children allowed in the maternity wards."
The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athens hotel reads:
"If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager."
A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are not person to do such is please
not to read notice."
Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages."
A Rome laundry suggests:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
A London eatery advertised for help this way:
"Wanted: man to wash dishes and two waitresses."
A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
"In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter."
THE TOP 13 WORST THINGS ABOUT AUTUMN
13. Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
12. Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe.
11. Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
10. Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy.
9. Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
8. Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced.
7. Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground or am *I* the only one who hears these?
6. Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January.
5. Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
4. Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick.
3. Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober."
2. End of the summer state fair season means members of The Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Thing About Autumn...
1. Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE SPECIAL FROG
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"
THE TOP 20 SIGNS SHE IS GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU...
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS WHEN...
You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.
You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for free Internet access.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
After reading this, you immediately e-mail it to someone.
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...
[Thanks again to Craig]
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
ENDLESS LOVE: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
THE STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO SEX... ER, FOOTBALL
Do you remember junior high and high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well forget em!! This is *FOOTBALL*!!! With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.
Your 10 yard line ............. Holding hands
Your 20 yard line ............. Hugging
Your 30 yard line ............. Kiss on the cheek
Your 40 yard line ............. Kiss on the lips
MIDFIELD ...................... Tongue kissing (serious territory)
His/her 40 yard line .......... Shirt and bra off
His/her 30 yard line .......... All clothes off
His/her 20 yard line .......... ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL .................. Put on the condom
GOAL LINE ..................... TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
Kickoff ....................... Making the first move
(asking for a date)
Kicking it deep ............... Asking out a virgin (you'll
be starting out deep in your
own end)
On-side kick .................. Asking out a slut (starting
near midfield, On side kicks
are good if they work, but
are risky)
Kick return ................... How far you get on the first date
Downs ......................... An attempt to get more yards
(get further with her)
Running the Ball .............. Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play .................. Skipping stage
UH OHFumble ........................ Impotence
Fumble Recovery ............... Regain erection
Interception .................. Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover ...................... Anal sexTHE OFFENSE
Field Goal .................... One of you orgasm, 3 points (Field goal range begins around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown ..................... Mutual orgasm, 6 points
Extra Point ................... The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion .......... Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game ............. Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay .................... Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up ....................... ORGY
Missed Field Goal.............. Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!
3RD down and inches............ Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)
Quarterback ................... The most important position
the missionary
Quarterback Sneak ............. Unusual positions
Center (HUPPER) ............... Doggie Style
Running Back .................. A hand-off
Tight End ..................... Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver ................. Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle ................... (Use Your Imagination)
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)Defensive Line ................ CondomPENALTIES
Break in the defense .......... Condom breaks
The Safety .................... The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz ....................... A "Quickie"
Roughing ...................... S & MTHE BOWLS
Holding ....................... Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside ....................... Premature Ejaculation
Rose Bowl ..................... Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl ................... Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl .................... Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl ................... Sex in South America
Superbowl ..................... Marriage (The Big Dance)
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NERD IF...
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal?
If you have more toys than your kids?
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV?
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name?
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work?
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight?
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it?
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary?
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already?
MARRIAGE-MINDED
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
WINDOZE 2000 APPLICATION DEVELOPMENT STRATEGY
1. Start by having your R&D staff search the net and other sources for popular applications until they find one that would look good in a box with the art division's latest logo.
2. The R&D staff must now completely replicate that product, changing the interface slightly and adding no less than 20,000 extra "features," at least 100 of which must really be bugs that they didn't feel like fixing.
3. Do NOT, under any circumstances, test the product. This is a waste of time and money. Ship the first beta that arrives on your desk. In fact, don't bother even getting it on your desk. Just ship every build that comes along. Users like upgrades. Besides, you can charge people for bug fixes cleverly disguised as "service packages". Users love service packages.
4. Hopefully someone's written a user's manual. In fact, it's probably readable by a normal human being. This is unacceptable; perform a find and replace operation on random English words, replacing them with technical terms and acronyms. Users like acronyms; they add mystery to a product. Never tell what an acronym means; this is unprofessional. You may even wish to make up your own acronyms; again, don't tell what they mean. For every sensible sentence, you lose at least three calls to your $200-per-incident tech support line. Users love calling tech support, especially when there are fifty touch tone menus that all lead to the same two people.
5. Prepare for shipping. Have your team of 57 lawyers create a prefabricated license agreement. If you do not have 57 lawyers, hire or fire as necessary so that you do have 57 lawyers. Be sure that the license agreement includes a "by opening the box, you agree to this" statement. Then put it inside the box. Users will perceive this as a joke and laugh. Users love involuntarily binding themselves to legal agreements.
6. Before shipping, invest in shrink wrap. Shrink wrap the manual. Shrink wrap the CD. Shrink wrap each and every floppy disk separately. Shrink wrap the "getting started" card. Shrink wrap the registration card. Shrink wrap the card from your grandmother. Then dump the whole mess in a box and shrink wrap it. Pack several boxes inside a larger brown box with 5,637 non-decomposable foam peanuts (each one shrink wrapped individually, of course). Be sure the foam peanut count is exactly 5,637. Remove or add shrink-wrapped foam peanuts as necessary. Throw in a roll of bubble wrap because of its entertainment value.
7. Ship the product and move your entire R&D and art staff to the $200-per-incident tech support lines.
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PATROL PARTNER
NEEDS A VACATION
(from the Police Top Ten Lists)
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2. He's starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He keeps asking you if his bulletproof vest makes him look fat.
7. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
