THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 8, 1999
Now we feel no rain
For each of us will be shelter for the other.
Now we will feel no cold
For each of us will be warmth to the other
Now we are two persons
But there is one life before us.
Let us go now to enter the days of our life together.
Apache blessing
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
No animals were hurt in the making of this post, although a few hundred thousand electrons were highly agitated.
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in, and no one can stop it. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up. Jerry Seinfeld
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. Emo Philips
It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.
If I were a superhero, I wouldn't choose a name with "man" at the end, like Batman or Superman. I'd be Batdude or Superdude it sounds more laid back and I bet women would be more attracted to me and thats what those guys are really out for anyway. Michael Levine
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality. If you have no knowledge then just pray for immortality.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: White House brand apple juice is suing Dan Parisi, the owner of the pornographic Internet address www.WhiteHouse.com, in federal court, contending he is infringing on the company's trademark by using the Web address to display X-rated pictures. In a letter to Parisi, attorneys for the Virginia-based National Fruit Product Company said the site "dilutes and tarnishes the distinctive quality of our client's famous mark in violation of ... the Federal Trademark Act...''
Like the REAL White House doesn't do that, anyway...
WHAT? The real Patch Adams went patch-less and pant-less during an anti-nuclear protest in which about 50 people marched naked down a busy San Francisco street. Adams, who inspired the Robin Williams movie, paraded in chilly weather Sunday and chanted "Disrobe for disarmament'' and "Nudes, not nukes.'' Nonviolent people "really have so few tools to face a capitalist system,'' Adams told the crowd as they disrobed...
So he displayed the only tool he could...
POLITICS: Gov. Jesse Ventura's approval rating has plunged almost 20% in Minnesota since a Playboy interview in which he called organized religion a sham. Almost three out of five Minnesotans said they do not think the governor is a good role model...
He's not the virtuous ex trained killer/professional wrestler they thought he was...
TASTELESS: According to The New York Post, Monica Lewinsky is getting $10,000 for every pound she sheds by the Jenny Craig diet conglomerate. If she drops from her all-time high of 223 lbs. to a svelte 123, she'll net $1 million...
This is her last chance the all-protein diet didn't work...
SURF REPORT: U.S. congressman Tom Campbell, an expert in antitrust law, said that if Microsoft Corp. is found liable in its landmark antitrust case it should be broken into pieces...
Much like the computers are when the owners get frustrated with Windows '98...
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
According to a report on MSNBC, Kathie Lee Gifford no longer wears a bra during her morning TV show.
-- My God, that's three boobs out in the open if you count Regis.
Researchers said last month that a drug derived from the saliva of leeches could be a lifesaver for heart attack patients.
-- Until the drug is tested and approved by the FDA, researchers said the only short-term solution might be "an intimate relationship with an attorney".
"The Fragile," the latest studio album from the group Nine Inch Nails, debuted at No. 1 in the U.S.
It's the best selling Nine Inch item since the Pamela and Tommy Lee video.
Johnny Cochran is giving up his Court TV show to create a large new personal-injury law firm in New York.
In a related item, admissions at the New York State Chiropractic College have tripled in the last week.
Mattel has announced it will release a new "Working Woman Barbie" which comes complete with cell phone, laptop computer, and a gray power suit.
To make it as realistic as possible, it will work just as hard as the Ken doll, but only bring in two-thirds the profit for Mattel.
State Farm insists that its recommended Nerf-brand Fenders are safe and effective, although they may slightly affect resale value.
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
GOP CANDIDATES EXPRESS SOLIDARITY (Manchester, NH) Following Ronald Reagan's prime directive, the remaining Republican presidential candidates all in New Hampshire campaigning for the nation's first primary indicated they were in complete agreement on the issue of "whether they would kick fellow candidate Elizabeth Dole out of bed."
"Absolutely not, it's a no-brainer," indicated a clearly aroused Steve Forbes, for whom not only inflation concerns had raised its ugly head.
Front-runner George W. Bush enthusiastically agreed. "Would I do it? Today. Five years ago. 15 years ago. 25 years ago. I have always been a believer in Passionate Conservatism."
"She's fly," said an animated Alan Keyes; "real fly."
John McCain confessed that "for years, I spent hour after tedious hour in a Hanoi prison while Charlie kept me locked up with only torture to break the monotony. During that time, I developed an active sexual imagination, one which I have trained on Mrs. Dole often."
For Dan Quayle, "it all boils down to a little Mommy thing I've got going. I want to be good. But, sometimes I'm bad."
Mrs. Dole indicated that, while she was flattered by the attention, they were all "a bunch of sick fucks." Reported by Jim Rosenberg
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
The blonde went to her friend's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
The friend asked, "Well, what happened when you got there?"
The blonde said, "After sex the S.O.B. called me a slut!"
"What did you do then?" the friend asked, somewhat shocked.
The blonde said "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!"
HOW TO FLATTER THE PANTS OFF A WOMAN
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
To do this a man must understand a woman's needs, which are simple and constant. Women need to:
Feel young
Feel skinny
Feel sexy
A man must make reference to these needs under all circumstances, at every possible opportunity. For example, he might say:
For her need to feel young
"When the beam of the officer's flashlight hit your panic-stricken face after he stopped you for speeding, I couldn't help but think how you looked sixteen years old again just like the first time you were arrested for shoplifting."
For her need to feel skinny
"Gee, I'm real sorry your grandfather died, but as you were leaning over the coffin to kiss him good-bye, I noticed how slim your ass looked."
For her need to feel sexy
"You know, when those baggy sweat pants cling to your buttocks as you lumber to the fridge for yet another Dove Bar, I just go wild! I don't know whether to grab you by your expandable-elastic waistband, or wrestle you to the ground in a pagan fertility ritual.
Notice how a man can use these seemingly inappropriate situations as an opportunity for flattery. Before you know it, by using these simple methods, you'll have a woman so flattered, she'll be flat on her back!
NEXT WEEK: The Final Chapter The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Bras and Penus
THE TOP 25 NEW MARKETING SLOGANS FOR HELL
24. You've come a wrong way, baby.
23. Playing now and forever in the Lucifer Lounge: Frank Sinatra!
22. As seen on the UPN Network!
21. "...but it's a dry heat!"
20. Just did it.
19. There: World-renowned goody two shoes Mother Teresa
Here: World-renowned porn star Busty McSleazy
Your choice, dude.
18. Butt. Fry. Er. (this one might take a second... hint: frogs say it in a TV ad)
17. Wimps Wear Wings.
16. Get in line now for the O.J. Simpson autograph booth!
15. 99 percent Osmond-free!
14. All the sweatin', none of the Richard Simmons.
13. No cover charge for politicians and lawyers.
12. Hey, it can't possibly suck worse than a life without sin.
11. Come for the suffering, stay for our fabulous salad bar!
10. Y666K compliant!
9. Playboy Channel in all rooms. Heated lava pool. We'll leave the lake of fire burning for you.
8. Just like work only worse!
7. Yeah, like it's really possible to stand on a cloud.
6. It's not the heat, it's the eternity.
5. Radio Bolton All Michael, All Day, For All Eternity
4. Unlike Heaven, we don't care if you wear pants.
3. Come meet your favorite Hollywood stars!
2. (Please help get us out of here! We promise never to work in marketing again!!)
and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Marketing Slogan for Hell...
1. Did Somebody Say McDammit?
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
AGE QUIZ
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5: You're still young
If you remembered 6-10: You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15: Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25: You're older than dirt!
EEEEK I got 19, so I'm older than dirt!
THE TOP 10 McCONDOMS EXCUSES
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger a few weeks ago. Here is David Letterman's top ten McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:
10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."
9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.
4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"
3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."
And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN...
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitchhike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an ark.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
KNOW YOUR MATH!
[Thanks to Deborah]
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."
He then packed his things and went there.
When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"
CHEMISTRY
When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.'' The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother..."
IF MEN *TRULY* RAN THE WORLD...
[Thanks again to John]
Note from The Goddess: Most of these are repeats that I used probably close to a year ago, but I'm running out of female-bashing jokes there just aren't that many good ones out there. I try to be an equal-opportunity slanderer and run an equal amount of Male vs. Female, Democrats vs. Republicans, Yankees vs. Southerners, Intellectual vs. Moron, etc. jokes. There are definitely more funny jokes about Males, Republicans, Southerners, and Morons in these categories than about their counterparts. For the record, I'm a Female Southern Democrat, and much closer to Intellectual (at least as opposed to moron...). Oh, no since the true underdog here is the Male Southern Republican Moron and that perfectly describes my 1st ex, Cro-Magnon Man, perhaps I am just a *little* prejudiced... LOL
Anyway, to all the men out there: Send me some of your favorite female-bashing jokes!
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a, "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words... "Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
AND SPEAKING OF SOUTHERN MALE MORONS...
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
TRAINING COURSES FOR MEN
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II.
Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!
Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care about Four Down in the cryptic crossword
Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
"I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time
Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
OBSESSIONS
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
A WOMAN WILL NEVER SAY TO ANOTHER WOMAN...
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
I just realized my butt doesn't look fat in this my butt IS fat!
A MAN WILL NEVER SAY TO ANOTHER MAN...
[Thanks again to Craig]
Does my butt look fat in this?
I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?
I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
Yours is bigger than mine.
I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.
Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!
You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.
I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.
Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.
THE "HELP WANTED" GLOSSARY WHAT IT REALLY MEANS
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: ... who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25
THE DOCTOR IS IN???
[Thanks again to Craig]
"Something a little different" was what Bill prescribed when his friend Bob complained that making love to his wife was becoming boring.
"Get creative, Bob," Bill said. "Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor with her for an hour? That's what I do."
"Sounds great," Bob replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
GRADING EXAMS: THE INSIDE STORY
Dept. Of Statistics:
All grades are fitted to a normal curve.
Dept. Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept. Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept. Of Theology:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept. Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.
Dept. Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept. Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.
Dept. Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
DISGRACE
[Thanks again to Craig]
A young girl going out on her first date told her grandmother about it.
The grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
"He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
"But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as she said it would.
"But," she said, "grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family!"
MICROSOFT CAFE
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
THE TOP 16 DIFFERENCES IF NOBODY HAD INVENTED THE WHEEL
16. One less thing for Al Gore to claim he invented.
15. Amble-by shootings just don't send rival gangs the right message.
14. With cars up on blocks in front of every house on the planet, Jeff Foxworthy languishes in obscurity.
13. Parents around the world rejoice as nothing whatsoever on the bus goes 'round and 'round.
12. While much faster than 30 minutes, catapult system for pizza home delivery is still an inexact science.
11. Leather jackets or not, the Hell's Angels are far less intimidating on donkeys.
10. Abundance of gratuitous TV pogo stick chases by Pamela Anderson.
9. Drag racing, while more literal, is markedly less exciting.
8. 95% of retail space taken by Nike, leaving only 5% for Starbucks.
7. Roulette's not quite as exciting with everyone betting on the corners.
6. Major drop in teen pregnancies, as copulating on the back of a horse is not as much fun as it would seem to be.
5. James Dean's death from running head-first into a tree isn't nearly as romantic when there's no car involved.
4. Millions of slovenly hamsters with unsightly love-handles playing video games all day.
3. V_NN_ WH_T_ W_ULD B_ TURN_NG TR_CKS _NST__D _F L_TT_RS
2. Ladies and Gentlemen: His Honor the President... Ted Kennedy!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if Nobody had Invented the Wheel...
1. Circusgoers marvel as 50 clowns manage to cram themselves into a small horse.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
