THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 15, 1999
The soul would have no rainbow, had the eye no tears.
— Unknown
ORIONID METEOR SHOWERS THIS WEEK
[Thanks to Twila for this info]
Their origin, extended backwards from their path, appears to cross just north of Betelgeuse. A few Orionids may appear as early as the beginning of October and as late as November 7 or so. The Orionids originated from Halley's Comet.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood. — Brooke Shields, actress
I used to smoke marijuana, but that was when I was in college, before it was a drug. — Former Vice President Dan Quayle
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once... — Ashleigh Brilliant
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.
Did you hear Cher is joining the Spice Girls? They're going to call her Old Spice.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey
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I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. — Paul Paternoster
The Miss Universe pageant must be fixed, because the winner is always from Earth. — Dale Jenkins
If life gives you lemons, I don't recommend making lemonade, because unless life gives you sugar too, that stuff will be undrinkable. — Keith Sanvidge
They say that breaking up is hard to do — but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rotweiler. — Dakota Shepard
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I've learned... that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT: In retaliation for Newt Gingrich's girlfriend Callista Bisek's pending deposition in his divorce case, his divorce
attorneys are demanding that Newt's ex-wife Marianne give a videotaped deposition as well, and are going on the offensive to prove that she, too, contributed to the demise
of their marriage...
— After all, if she hadn't married him, he never could've had an affair...
ENTERTAINMENT: Kevin Costner is upset that his studio chopped out his full frontal nude scene from his new movie "For the Love of the Game". But the studio did it because test audiences laughed when they saw Costner's genitals...
— Now he knows how the rest of us feel...
WEAPONS: United Parcel Service said it will stop shipping handguns through its ground service...
... So use Federal Express if you absolutely, positively have to shoot somebody overnight...
—————————————————————
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
— Just as soon as he receives clear instructions from the mothership.
MCI WorldCom and Sprint announced a $115 billion merger agreement.
— Officials indicated cost efficiencies realized by combining the two companies should allow them to hire a second customer service representative, significantly reduce hold times.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
THE COLLECTED WIT AND WISDOM OF BRAS AND PENUS
(The Final Selection of Excerpts from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" --
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
• Men will never understand women and women will never understand men. And that is the one thing that men and women will never understand.
• For recreation Brassierians play a lot of games such as bridge, Scrabble, and backgammon — but best of all they like to play dumb.
• Penusians experience fulfillment through success and accomplishment, such as spelling their name in the snow while peeing, or peeking under a woman's skirt without getting caught.
• The best solution a man can give a woman is composed of two parts gin and one part vermouth.
• Women are motivated when they are feeling loved, adored, and cherished. Men are motivated when they are feeling......a woman!
• A woman often falls in love at second sight. The first time she didn't realize he was rich!
• Lets face it, you never see a Rolls Royce with a "Shit Happens" bumper sticker.
• A woman must turn a man on if she is going to do a man in.
• For a woman less-dressed is better than best-dressed, and she just can wear too much of not enough.
• God forbid a man should put down the remote and emote!
• Ladies who give a man his share of sex will end up with their own shares of Microsoft.
• How is a man supposed to understand a woman's cycle when he can't even understand a rinse cycle?
• People — people who need people — are the sickest co-dependent people in the world.
• A man argues because he knows he is right, while a woman argues because she knows he is wrong.
THE TOP 13 CLEVER WAYS TO DEFEND AGAINST A PLANET-DESTROYING ASTEROID
13. Quickly rotate planet so that Iraq absorbs the impact.
12. "That's right, Mr. Brando — a giant meatball! Just for you!"
11. The Roadrunner approach: Fake it out by painting the moon to look like Earth.
10. Ban teaching the theory of asteroids in your science class.
9. Commission Christo to make one of those big-ass umbrellas, using Kevlar.
8. Inform Starbucks corporate headquarters that no franchise has been detected on the asteroid's surface. Wait 24 hours.
7. Convince it to join the Reform Party.
6. Break it up by bombarding it with radio waves of Yoko Ono's music.
5. Give *everyone* their own personal asteroid. (Submitted by the NRA)
4. Time to roll out that gigantic tube of Preparation-A.
3. Marge Schott in a bikini — that would repel *anything*.
2. Send Bruce Willis into space to blow it up. Even if he fails: Hey, you got rid of Bruce Willis!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Clever Way to Defend Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid...
1. Forget about sending astronauts to destroy it — go back to your old high school hangout and get those guys with the initials "D.I.K." and "F.U.K." who always seemed to have the high scores on the video game.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TEXAS ACADEMICS vs. LIGHT BULBS
[Thanks again to Twila]
A: 50 — one to screw it in, and the other 49 to complain because a person of their race, gender, or sexual preference didn't get to screw in the lightbulb.
Q: How many Rice students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 1 — to screw it in and the rest of the student body to relieve the stress of screwing it in by running naked through campus.
Q: How many TCU students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 4 — one to call Daddy to do it and the other three to find the perfect coordinating Abercrombie & Fitch outfits.
Q: How many Texas Tech students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw it in and the rest of the students to try desperately to establish a rivalry with the other Big XII school in lightbulb screwing.
Q: How many U of Houston students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They don't want the gangs to know that they're in there.
Q: How many Univ. of North Texas students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many Baylor students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They aren't allowed to do that in Waco.
Q: How many SMU students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2 — One to make the martinis and the other to hire someone else to screw in the bulb.
Q: How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 3 — one to screw it in, one to call it a tradition and the other to lead the yell "Screw The Hell Outta the Lightbulb!"
Q: How many Stephen F. Austin students?
A: 3 — One to screw it in and two to laugh uncontrollably at the sexual connotations.
Q: How many SWT Students?
A: 4 — One to screw it in, two to move the keg into place and one to load the bong.
Q: How many Sam Houston State Students?
A: None — they would just move back into their parents' house in Houston
THE TOP 16 BAD ROMANCE NOVEL METAPHORS OR SIMILES
16. His body was hard — not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
15. As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
14. Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
13. ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
12. Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
11. With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign — yet she could NOT!
10. He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
9. His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
8. Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.
7. Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
6. Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
5. With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
4. He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
3. His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
2. Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...
1. He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES...
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fell WHOA!"
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines"
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?
[Thanks again to Craig]
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these:
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place 90% of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: (See above — Same sign, different title)
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER": As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.
GOVERNMENT WORKER: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... thus the term "GO POSTAL."
WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THEN SEX
[Thanks to John — Build this 12 VOLT GENERATOR for less than $100.00 !!!]
• "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
• Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
• You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
• You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
• You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
• If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
• Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
• The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
• You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
• You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
• You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
• With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
• Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
• You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
• Good chocolate is easy to find..
• You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
• You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
• When you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbors awake.
• With chocolate size doesn't matter.
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME...
The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
10 WAYS WOMEN CAN DRIVE MEN CRAZY
[Thanks again to Craig]
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
3. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
4. Look them in the eye and start laughing. (during an intimate moment)
5. Cry.
6. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
7. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.
8. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
9. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e., the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
10. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their
answer.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW... DUMBER???
Real notes written from parents in a Texas school district, original spellings left intact: "Excuse Notes from Parents" — These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston.
(Note from the Goddess: These are hysterical! Remember, I can make fun of Texans, "cuz I is one"...)
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. (Now that's a visual!)
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. (I know I'd be tired!)
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
BIZARRE LAWS IN MASSACHUSETTS
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car. [I can't even begin to guess what this is all about.]
• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
• Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
• Quakers and witches are banned.
• Bullets may not be used as currency.
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF:
[Thanks again to Craig]
• Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma
• You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room
• In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
• The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
• At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling
• You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
• You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
• You comment to your spouse that his/her straight hair is nice and parallel
• You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects
• You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
• You know what "http://" stands for
• You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together
• You see a good design and still have to change it
• You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
• You still own a slide rule and know how to use it
• You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived
• You window shop at Radio Shack
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car
• Your spouse hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
• You've already calculated how much you make per second
• You've tried to repair a $5 radio
HISTORICAL JOB INTERVIEWS
Jesse James — I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette — My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of my self as a people person.
Joseph Guillotine — I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet — My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucretia Borgia — My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora — I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan — My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
MacBeth — Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva — What do mean this isn't business casual?
Elvis — My last boss and I... say, are you going to eat those fries?
HOW TO HANDLE WOMEN
[Thanks again to Craig]
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off, sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, " 'How about a blowjob?' and she's always sound asleep."
QUICKIES
Q: Why does Dick Clark seem never to age?
A: The secret? Dick stays wrinkle-free with Viagra.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, Caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A. When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q. What do engineers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A. When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q. Why did the engineers cross the road?
A. Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q. How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
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He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."
—————————————————————
This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. They get to a cafeteria, and this guy in a white coat rushes in, pushes to the head of the line, without apology, grabs his food, rushes by and takes off.
"Who was that?" asks the newcomer.
"Oh," says St. Peter, "that's God, he thinks he's a doctor."
