THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 22, 1999
Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it the most.
— Swedish proverb
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If George Bush picks Arlen Specter as his running mate, the bumper stickers will read: "Bush 'n Specter"…
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married... and I didn't want him to. — Rita Rutdner
I bet Leonardo da Vinci was naked when he painted the Mona Lisa. That's the same smirk my wife has when she sees me naked. — Andy Pierson
The good news: God blessed me with large breasts.
The bad news: He also invented gravity.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
A smile improves your face value but a bag over your head is priceless.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
TRAVEL: The Federal Aviation Administration is recommending pilots not take the impotence drug Viagra within six hours of flying because it could make it tough to distinguish between the blues and greens found in cockpit instrument and runway lights.
[Not only that — you could grab the wrong joystick...]
IF IT GIVES SPORTS SCORES, TOO, I KNOW A LOT OF MEN WHO'LL BE INTERESTED: It is the size of a pager, fits in a man's underwear and emits electronic pulses — and it is a new male contraceptive developed in China. The device patented by a researcher in the central city of Xi'an emits sperm-killing pulses that can render a man sterile for up to a month, the official Xinhua news agency said...
[Hey, with electric pulses going off in your underwear, who needs a girl, anyway...?]
COMPUTERS: Internet Pecker Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody — The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang.
"CELEBRITIES": O.J. Simpson phoned the 911 emergency line in Miami this week to ask police for help with his girlfriend, alleging she had been on a two-day drug binge...
[If you were OJ's girlfriend wouldn't YOU be on drugs...?]
POLITICS: Washington D.C. voters support medical use of marijuana by a more than 2-to-1 margin, according to the results of a November ballot initiative finally counted after a judge overruled a congressional ban...
[Meanwhile former mayor Marion Barry is pushing for medical use of crack, crystal, heroin and ecstasy...]
ENTERTAINMENT: Playboy magazine has to reprint 500,000 copies of an issue featuring the wrestler Sable. U.S. District Judge Loretta Preska said the Oct. 19 edition, which features nude pictures of Rena Mero, the ex-World Wrestling Federation women's champion, infringes on WWF trademark rights. The WWF, claims the magazine headline — "The woman you loved as Sable in the Raw'' — was an obvious reference to the WWF's trademarked and copyrighted "Raw'' cable television program...
[God knows the WWF would never want their women exploited... ]
WEIRD NEWS: Prostitutes, pimps, lap-dancers, madams and their clients were evacuated from brothels in the Reeperbahn sex district in the north German port of Hamburg after a 1.8-ton British World War II bomb was discovered nearby.
[Wrong kind of bang...]
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
The rock group The Who is in the preliminary stages of recording its first studio album since 1982.
[The band plans to get back together, formally retract their "hope I die before I get old" statement, then disband again.]
Sen. Jesse Helms has warned he will derail the ambassadorial nomination of former U.S. Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun of Illinois unless she apologizes for critical remarks she made about the Confederate flag.
[Helms has for years appeared to have a flagpole conveniently stored in a body cavity so he is ready to fly the confederate flag at a moment's notice.]
Robert Ray, the former chief aide to Kenneth Starr, was sworn in yesterday to replace Starr as independent counsel.
[It's a very powerful position — he reports directly to Lucianne Goldberg.]
Al Gore and Bill Bradley have agreed to a televised debate.
[It will be carried on "ZZZZ-Span".]
In Australia, scientists are planning to build the world's largest space telescope.
[It will be the most money spent on peering aimlessly into the unknown looking for God knows what since, well... the Starr investigation.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKEAn Irishman, a Mexican, and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
THE TOP 14 NEW FEATURES IN WINDOWS 2000
14. With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.
13. Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
12. Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.
11. Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
10. Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.
9. Crumple zones!
8. New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.
7. Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.
6. Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying, "I can't do that, Dave."
5. Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."
4. First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
3. Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!
2. New "Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles" welcome screen.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000...
1. Free technical support until 1901!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK IF...
• Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com".
• You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
• If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop".
• Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
• You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
• Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
• You wire your network with jumper cables.
• Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
• You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
• You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
• Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
• You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".
• Your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon".
• Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
• Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.
• You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
• Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
• Smith & Wesson... the original point N click interface.
• When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."
• When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
• When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
• Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
• You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
THE MARRIAGE CONTRACTI, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that — by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman — it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ______The Woman_____________________________ (female)
Now..... how can I serve you my love?
NOT AFRAID OF SATAN
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
A LONG AND HAPPY MARRIAGEA guy was invited to some long time friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
HISTORY REWRITTENThe following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
[Thanks to Ralph]
• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. The lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
• Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
• Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
• Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
• In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
• Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton Wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
• Later, while the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
• Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were Two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
• Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which He built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by Signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
• Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in The autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was The longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral Woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended Her reign.
• The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
MORE NEW WORDS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUMThe Washington Post recently asked its readers to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
TOP TEN REASONS EVE WAS CREATED
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
• Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper, "Can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.
• Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
• When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
• Chew tobacco.
• Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. Once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation such as, "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
• Write the words, "He fancies you" on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
• Respond to a serious question with, "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast."
• Use Vietnam style jargon, such as, "What's the ETA?" "Who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf".
• Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves, rearrange the figures accordingly.
• Shave one of your forearms.
• Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
• Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out.
• Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.
• Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
• Reflect sunlight off your watch face into everyone's eyes.
• Gargle with water.
• Repeat every idea expressed in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
• Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
• Hum throughout.
• Bend momentarily under the table and then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
• Drop meaningless and confusing management-speak into conversations, such as, "What's the margin, Marvin?" "When is this turkey going to get basted?" "If we don't get this brook babbling, we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors."
• Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
• Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
• Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: "My Secret Agenda. 1. Trample the weak. 2. Triumph alone. 3. Invade Poland." Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
• Attempt to hypnotize the entire room using a pocket watch.
• When referring to someone in the room, always call them your "homey" or "dog".
• Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject, shout, "I AM NOT FINISHED!"
[Thanks again to Sharon]
Yes, we have electricity
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
But It's a Dry Heat
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
As Seen on TV
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Whores and Poker!
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Tobacco is a Vegetable
We Really are One of the 50 States!
At least we're not Michigan
Like the Play, only No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We're Not REALLY An Island
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
Closer Than North Dakota
The Educashun State
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Wanna Be Mayor?
One Big Happy Family — Really!
Come Cut Our Cheese
Where men are men and sheep are scared!