THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 29, 1999
In memory of my faithful friend and companion, my beloved dog
January 29, 1986 - October 29, 1999
who loved me unconditionally, as I shall love her always...
A BRIDGE CALLED LOVE
It takes us back to brighter years,
to happier sunlit days
and to precious moments
that will be with us always.
And these fond recollections
are treasured in the heart
to bring us always close to those
from whom we had to part.
There is a bridge of memories
from earth to Heaven above...
It keeps our dear ones near us
It's the bridge that we call love.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
A recent survey showed that the nine out of ten men that preferred Camels have switched back to women.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Television is the first truly democratic culture; the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. Clive Barnes
With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?
Congratulations! You may already be a wiener!
Q. Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a Nasal Spray?
A. It's for Dickheads!
I would advise to her get the hell off the public stage before she damages the cause of women any further Camille Paglia, talking about Monica Lewinsky
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. e e cummings
I don't want to make the wrong mistake. Yogi Berra
After all these years, I've finally gotten in touch with my inner child and realized that he is *way* overdue for a diaper change. Michael Hayward
I can only assume the guy who named Viagra didn't think of "Peniscillin" first. Bob Van Voris
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. Don't be afraid to be ridiculed after admitting you are less than perfect.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:MASS MARKETING Over the course of several weeks in 1963 some nine hundred persons in the villages of Mbale and Kigezi, Uganda were seized en masse by a maddening compulsion to run wildy through the streets clutching chickens and screaming until they fell from exhaustion. Scientists later diagnosed it as a case
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
of mass hysteria.
[... Probably just excited that a Kentucky Fried Chicken was opening ]
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
The first intact woolly mammoth has been successfully exhumed from its 23,000-year-old Siberian grave.
[Friday it was unearthed, and Saturday it declared its candidacy for the Presidency running as a Reform Party candidate.]
Researchers have discovered that older people compensate for cognitive decline by using different areas of the brain to perform the same 'thinking tasks' as younger people.
[For instance, they use the area of the brain above the crotch a lot more often.]
New cameras mounted on two of the world's largest telescopes have provided images of Neptune, which are at least as sharp as those from the orbiting Hubble Space
[The images show swirling clouds of gas, ice, and several Starbucks.]
Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan announced that he's bolting the Republican Party to seek the Reform Party nomination.
[Buchanan energized the crowd by chanting his slogan, "This time, we're going to govern like it's *18*99!"]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
MISCALCULATION LEADS TO TRAGEDY: (Zurich, Switzerland) The nation recently mourned the death of one of its brightest shining intellectual stars. Johan Unterwald was described by college professors as "the next Albert Einstein" and a brilliant mathematician. It seems Johan made at least one fatal math error. He took a 250 ft. bungee jump with a 300 foot bungee cord. He died immediately on impact.
[Up next: Xtreme Academics. "Whoa dude, that's an outrageous hypothesis!"]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
[Thanks to Twila]
HOW TO KEEP A BLONDE BUSY FOR HOURS....
>| SCROLL DOWN
>| SCROLL UP ^
HALLOWEEN JOKESA man and his wife were going to a costume party at a rural mansion. Just in sight of the mansion, the car broke down. They decided to walk.
Since the shortest distance was across a pasture and they were going as a cow, they decided on the short cut. About halfway across the pasture, they ran into a bull who became very "interested." The husband, who was in the back, said, "What shall we do now?"
The wife, who was in front, said, "I'm going to put my head down and make believe I'm eating grass. You had better brace yourself."
There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes, and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald
head, stick your wooden leg up your butt, and go as a Caramel apple!"
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a costume party ?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago."
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR ONLINE ROMANCE IS FAILING
10. Doesn't ask what you're wearing anymore.
9. Instead of self-pics, Emails you JPG of a dead hamster with a pin through it.
8. Keyboard simply getting too grimy to touch.
7. She says she may be falling for her joystick.
6. Claims you got her pregnant during cybersex.
5. Can't meet her in her private room, because it's full.
4. Yells out Steve Case's name during cybersex.
3. Suddenly changes her font from "Courier" to "Times New Roman", yet curiously says nothing's wrong.
2. Your mom calls talking about her new online romance, and her screenname sounds WAY too familiar...
1. When the Christmas break is over, she has to start going to bed at 9.
BIZARRE LAWS IN VIRGINIA
You can't have sex with the lights on and in any other position than the missionary position.
It is illegal to tickle women.
No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk... Culpeper, VA
It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed... Lebanon, VA
THERAPYThis guy goes to a psychiatrist. The Dr. draws a picture of a circle and asks "What does this remind you of?"
[Thanks again to Brad]
"Sex," replies the man.
Next he draws a picture of a square and again asks, "What does this remind you of?"
"Sex," replies the man.
Then he shows the man a picture of a triangle. "And this one?", he asks.
"Sex," replies the man.
"Everything reminds you of sex!"
"MEEEEEEEEEE?" replies the man. "You're the one drawing the dirty pictures!"
THE TOP 14 THINGS ON KEN STARR'S TO-DO LIST
14. Subpoena wife, ask her what time dinner will be ready.
13. Call CEO of Mattel; pitch "Special Prosecutor Ken" doll.
12. Invite Bill to step inside the ring, play "Eye of the Tiger" and slug it out, baby!
11. Go to Disneyland and indict that no-pants-wearin' duck!
10. Sit in a comfortable chair, watch the clock, and sigh intermittently.
9. Step 1: Tweak crosswalk signal on Pennsylvania Ave to always flash "Don't Walk";
Step 2: Place Big Mac n' fries across the street;
Step 3: Convince Supreme Court that jaywalking is an impeachable offense.
8. Investigate that job offer from Penthouse Forum.
7. Parlay experience as an "independent" counsel into lucrative job as an "unbiased" WWF referee.
6. Close the book on efforts to nail Bill Clinton, commence efforts to nail Bea Arthur.
5. Buy beret, blue dress and Elmer's glue for hilarious Halloween costume.
4. Finish script for new sitcom: "Two Guys, a Girl, and a $47 Million Hummer."
3. Change the setting on the stick up my ass from "government" to "civilian."
2. Prepare speech for "Botching an Investigation" conference in Boulder, Colorado.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Ken Starr's To-Do List...
1. Find a copy and read that Constitution thing everyone keeps going on about.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
SOME NEW REDNECK JOKES
[Thanks again to John]
Q: Did you hear about the Redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it 'till she's fourteen.
Q: What's the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
A: "Nice tooth!"
Q: What's the difference between a good ole boy and a Redneck?
A: The good ole boy raises livestock. The Redneck gets emotionally
Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink" and
the clerk says "Go rat ahaid."
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: Tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup.
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a
Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q: Did you hear that they have raised the drinking age in West
Virginia to 32?
A: They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Q: How many Rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that Rednecks can have possum on the half shell.
THE TOP 10 PICK-UP LINES USED BY PRINCE HARRY
10. "How'd you like to be hounded by paparazzi for the next six months?"
9. "Wanna inbreed?"
8. "Actually, that's my *inheritance* in my pocket AND I'm happy to see you."
7. "See 'Jar Jar' over there? That's my dad."
6. "Technically, you'll be knighted if I touch you with my 'royal sceptre.'"
5. "Care to come to my castle for some Bangers and Mash?"
4. "It's not a proper curtsy unless your skirt's over your head."
3. "Before this evening's over, I'd like to pronounce you 'Duchess of Fellatia'."
2. "Guards! Off with her blouse!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by Prince Harry...
1. "Waste my time with a pick-up line? Balderdash! Bark like a hound for me, peasant girl and like it!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
[Thanks again to Twila]
Stage name: _________________
formerly male ____
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Actor/Waiter/Model
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Consulting/Unemployed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Drinking a nonfat half cafe latte with a shot of vanilla and twist of lemon
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers: ______
b) you expect to be shot at while driving: ______
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above
Please indicate if you drive:
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Which of the following medications are you currently taking?
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on 101
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
IF AOL WAS A CITY... You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
[Thanks again to Twila]
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
THE TOP 15 RISKS OF BUYING A SUPERMODEL'S EGGNOTE FROM CHRIS: Our friends at the NY Times were tricked into giving free publicity to a website (www.ronsangels.com) which supposedly auctions off the eggs of models to the highest bidders. The website was actually the brainchild of a man who has several porn websites online, but the Times evidently didn't do enough research to uncover that fact, and instead ran a serious article about the site. So we here at Top5 decided to provide the good folks at the Times with material for a follow-up article...
15. Upon delivery, you discover the egg contains a pair of pantyhose.
14. Thousands of years of evolution shot all to hell.
13. Sure, you can *buy* them now but you have to wait over 18 years before you can legally have sex with your purchase.
12. Health conscious models always removing the yolks first.
11. Conception only possible with sperm from an androgynous rock star.
10. Baby will insist that umbilical cord be cut only by Vidal Sassoon himself.
9. Child Protective Services worker just doesn't appreciate how it can eventually get to you when every time you tell him to take out the trash, he enigmatically whispers, "Obsession."
8. Other kids and their vicious taunts: "Don't hate me because I'm sunny-side up!"
7. You'll spend a king's ransom for ipecac syrup for the baby.
6. The kid grows up to resent you because that willowy frame, those long thin legs and those exquisitely tiny hands kept him off the varsity football team.
5. Photo shoot wind machine keeps blowing your boys upstream.
4. With your luck, you'll get the egg with recessive supermodel genes and dominant webmaster genes.
3. Tough for Mr.Tripp to explain to perfectly-fertile wife, Linda.
2. Upside: Your daughter looks like Kathy Ireland!
Downside: Your daughter thinks like Kathy Ireland!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Risk of Buying a Model's Egg...
1. Model eggs rebel at the very thought of being inseminated with *your* ugly-ass nerd sperm.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White