THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 5, 1999
Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is eternity.
— Henry Van Dyke
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. — Frank Zappa
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. — Mary Ellen Kelly
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. — Jimmy Shubert
You can name your own salary here — I like to call mine Fred.
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.
Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it. — Peggy Joyce
You've heard about the computer programmer that died while washing his hair in the shower. The instructions said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat'.
My mom told me once: "The universe doesn't revolve around you!" Nevertheless, I'm convinced it's a viable theory until someone proves it wrong. — Jilly Forbes
Good thing the guy's name was Henry Ford and not Henry Anal. Otherwise, a half million Americans would be driving Anal Probes. — Todd Filener
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Never resist a generous impulse especially if you are on the receiving end of it.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Americans who might never have the chance to stroll through the White House can join first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on a televised tour of its varied art collection. The half-hour look at the collection, which includes four multimillion-dollar paintings by Paul Cezanne, often called the father of modern art, premiered Monday on Ovation, a cable TV network devoted to the arts...
["Here's a lovely nude statue — wait, that's an intern..."]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
At birth in the U.S. there are 2% more males than females.
At age 25 there are an equal number of males and females.
At age 35 there are 2% more women.
At age 55 there are 7% more women.
At age 65 there are 14% more women.
At 75+ there are 30% more women.
[If you were studying the human race from some distant galaxy you'd probably assume that as the females got older and wiser they were killing off the males...]
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
The dress that screen siren Marilyn Monroe wore to sing a breathy "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to President John F. Kennedy was sold for $1,267,500 Wednesday.
[It's the most ever paid for a dress which aroused the President, not counting the $40+ million we all paid for Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained one.]
George W. Bush Tuesday called for a lifetime ban on gun ownership for juveniles found guilty of a serious gun offense.
[An NRA spokesman said they wanted to check the official return policy to see if they wanted a refund on Bush, or an exchange.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
THE TOP 12 SCARIEST COSTUMES SEEN ON HALLOWEEN
12. Al Gore Disco Fever Costume
11. Positive Home Pregnancy Test
9. Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister
8. Evil British Nanny
7. Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit
6. Male Pattern Baldness
5. Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra
4. Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick
3. President Jesse Helms
2. Marv Albert, Warrior Princess
1. Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
PC COMPUTER TIPS
(For Real Dummies)
As computers engulf society more people are finding themselves forced into using a computer. Some people find a computer helpful in their professional and personal lives. Other people were finding themselves left out of their friends and relatives conversations because they knew little or nothing about computers. These people are now struggling to learn the basic computer operations to keep up with society. To help all the new computer users we present PC Computer Tips (For Real Dummies.) NOTE: This is offered as entertainment loosely and we do not recommend trying anything listed. For help call your manufacturer's customer service line and have a stiff drink.
The monitor is your visual window. It is divided into two areas. The bottom task bar is the small bar at the bottom. It shows the tasks you have operating at the time. The left corner of the task bar is the start button. Clicking Start will show a list of programs and files. Your most often used programs have an icon on the desk top. Usually you will use the Start button to end your computer operation. Their is no End button because Microsoft believes there will no end to your dependence on them.
The main area is known as the Desk Top. The little pictures on your desk top are called Icons. Calling them little pictures shows your computer ignorance. Clicking them will start a software program. Most of the icons you will never use. The picture on your desk top is called the wallpaper. You can change the wallpaper to put a picture of your choice on your desktop. Pictures of naked women are the favorites of men. Pictures of Ricky Martin are the favorites of women and gays. A picture of Ellen Degeneres is the favorite of lesbians. A picture of Tinky Winky means you need help.
The little arrow is called the Cursor. It is called this because pointing the arrow and clicking usually leads to cursing. The cursor is most often operated by the mouse.
Spending long hours staring at a monitor can make your eyes sore. A good computer accessory is a filter. It protects your eyes and also works as a sneeze guard.
The keyboard has several buttons on it and is mainly used for typing. The top buttons are named F1, through F12. They are called that because you will use them after having used the F word. Pushing F1 will offer help in the program you are currently using. Each has a different function. The most important buttons are Ctrl, Alt, and Del. When your computer freezes pushing all three at the same time may reboot your computer. It is best not to use the Ctrl, Alt, and Del and some times it does nothing but make you feel good that you at least attempted something rather than turning your computer off. The buttons with the arrows on them can operate your scrolling. If the arrow pointing upward is facing north, they can also be used as a compass.
Never spray Scotchguard on your keyboard it will not prevent liquid spills from damaging the keyboard.
Use compressed air to blow dust and particles from your keyboard and computer. There is nothing better than a blow job to keep it working at an optimum level. If you can, get one for yourself too.
It is always best to avoid having drinks near your keyboard. They are bound to be spilled onto the keyboard. However computers can cause such stress you most likely will have a beer or other alcoholic beverage nearby. Keep in mind that basic keyboards are very inexpensive and can be easily replaced. Your mental well being is much more important and can not easily be replaced, so having a drink nearby and keep your composure.
The computer is the brains of the operation. It usually includes a CD ROM and a floppy disc slot. The more memory the more power and hard drives in the computer. The computer is connected with cables to the monitor, keyboard, speakers, printer, scanner and any other accessory the salesperson conned you into buying.
It is a good idea to frequently open the computer and take the compressed air and the blow dust and particles out. As mentioned above, there is nothing better than a blow job to keep it working at an optimum level.
• Protect your PC. Put a condom on it.
• Remember that it is not safe to put your lap top computer through an airport x-ray machine however it is okay to get a cat-scan done on your computer.
• A desktop PC is a PC that is put on a desk. A lap top PC can be put in one's lap. A lap top may be used as a desk top. A desk top can be used as a lap top although it can become quite heavy sitting in one's lap.
• A hand held PC can be held in your hand. A palm top PC can be held in one's palm. A palm top can also be used to make your disk hard.
• Always put a blanket on your PC to keep dust from settling on it. Computers can catch viruses. On cold nights this will help it from catching a chill.
• Save computer ink and money. Instead of printing something out on your printer, write it out longhand.
• A megabyte is a common measurement of computer storage. It is also when someone takes a really big bite of a sandwich.
• Spam is electronic junk mail that ends up in your trash can. It tastes good on crackers and never goes bad.
• A disk is the same as a diskette. Diskette throwing is an Olympic sport. People who throw diskettes are called diskette throwers.
• Triscuits are grain like biscuits. They taste good with cheese on them. People who throw triscuits are called triscuit throwers.
• You can talk to other dummies in the dummies' chat room. This chat room can be reached through a conventional phone since most dummies are too dumb to find it online.
COPYRIGHT © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
TO-DO LISTS FOR EXESAN EX-BOYFRIEND'S TO-DO LIST
• Throw out ex-girlfriend's feminine hygiene products from underneath my sink
• Instead of buying paper towels use her maxi pads (the heavy flow ones) to clean up spills
• Remain friends with ex and remind her that friends can still have sex
• 4 PM Meet buddies at strip club
• Use money saved on dinners, flowers and gifts for friction dances
• Show buddies the sex video she made
• Ask her cute cousin for a date
• Hide in bushes in front of her house to see if ex has a date tonight
• Drink beer
• Watch reruns of the Three Stooges
• Be thankful for no longer having to sit through reruns of 'Mad About You'
AN EX-GIRLFRIEND'S TO-DO LIST
• Phone ex leave message on answering machine that his Curly impersonation sucked
• Take clothes that he left in my closet to Goodwill. Ask for receipt in order to get tax deduction
• Get restraining order against ex-boyfriend who keeps hiding in the bushes in front of my house
• E-mail picture of ex's little penis to his family and friends
• 4 PM appointment with therapist
• Eat ice cream
• Watch 'Mad About You' rerun
• Be thankful for no longer having to sit through reruns of the Three Stooges
• From now on date men with money
COPYRIGHT © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
THE TOP 10 UPCOMING BOOKS FROM ST. MARTIN'S PRESS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: St. Martin's Press had to pull a biography of U.S. Presidential candidate George W. Bush off the shelves last week when they learned that the book's author is an ex-convict who served time in prison for ordering the fire-bombing of his boss' car.
10. "The Yiddish Guide to Loving Your Neighbor" — Pat Buchanan
9. "Creating A Sound Future: Building a Lasting, Profitable Career in the Music Industry" — Andrew Ridgeley
8. "Winners Never Quite" — Dan Quayle
7. "Spiritual Enlightenment Through Poverty and Humility" — L. Ron Hubbard
6. "For Better or Worse: A Guide to Keeping Your Wedding Vows" — Newt Gingrich
5. "The Feminist Mystique" — Monica Lewinsky
4. "How to Find Just about Anybody Anywhere" — O.J. Simpson
3. "What Up? Communicating With the Youth of Today" — Strom Thurmond
2. "Mind Your Own Business! A Guide for Small Business Owners" — Linda Tripp
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Upcoming Book from St. Martin's Press...
1. "Black Like Me" — Michael Jackson
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
"BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER"This was in the Washington Post, the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m., Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail.
Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
"He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn, is it past midnight already?" "
THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS PLANNING A LAYOFF
16. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
15. Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4.
14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
13. Windows 98 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
12. Company softball team downsized to chess team.
11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
9. Company president now driving a Hyundai.
8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.
2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Company Is Planning a Layoff...
1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE FROM "SECRET MALE BONDING RITUALS"
The weekend was topped off with twelve guys coming over to watch the Bears game. My Dad, my brothers, and some friends stopped by. My wife got one whiff of the unshowered bunch and packed up the kids and headed for the mall.
So there we were screaming and yelling at the TV when a Levi's commercial comes on. It's the one where the invisible couple get it on. First, her shirt is sexily peeled off only to
reveal nothing. Then her pants come off, and again we see only air...I said air, not hair.
The guys were transfixed. One guy even ran to the washroom.
"Damn," said one of my friends. "I wish my wife was like that."
My dad said, "What, curvy and playful?"
"No," he said. "Invisible."
THE TOP 12 CARTOON CHARACTER PICK-UP LINES
12. Wimpy — "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today."
11. Foghorn Leghorn — "Ah say, boy, ah say, you've got it all wrong. Those little chickens you've been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol' hen, like me."
10. Bart Simpson — "Eat my shorts, ma'am!"
9. Batman — "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?"
8. Speedy Gonzales — "Senorita, it's just a nickname!"
7. Pepe LePew — "But, mon cherie — I don't smell any worse than anyone else in France."
6. Ross Perot — "I'm worth $4 billion."
5. Porky Pig — "L-L-Let's go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu... hump."
4. Popeye — "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!"
3. Pinocchio — "Hey, I *am* a woody!"
2. Underdog — "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Line...
1. Tweety Bird — "I wuuuv to eat putty!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 13 SIGNS THE MILLENNIUM HYPE HAS GONE TOO FAR
13. "2001 Dalmatians" just seems like overkill.
12. National Park Service just paid a consultant six figures to get Old Faithful Y2K compliant.
11. Dick Clark refuses to do the New Year's show without a bazooka and a vat of boiling oil.
10. Millions converting to Judaism so this year is actually 5760 and they can skip all this nonsense.
9. New Charmin Y2Ply!
8. Chris White blows entire Top5 budget on shotgun shells, Spam, Wild Turkey and "Naked Survivalist" magazines.
7. They're printing new calendars and everything!
6. Safeway already advertising "January 2 Carnage-in-the-Streets Canned Food Sale."
5. When people finally stoop to "Spam Hoarding", everyone just stops and has a good long laugh.
4. You just saw an ad for Y2K-compliant pants.
3. Tired of talking about Y2K, the press begins to freak everyone out about the upcoming "Groundhog Day Bug."
2. You evicted your roommate so you'd have more space to store Vienna sausages.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign The Millennium Hype Has Gone Too Far...
1. Freeze-dried meals? Check.
Bottled water? Check.
Guns and ammo? Check.
Frozen sperm for re-populating the world with my seed? Still working on it.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES...Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Tommy, what is the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
MORE CLINTON JOKESWhite House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
The day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask the President's personal business.
Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr.President," she said. "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."
"Oh no," the President grinned, "it's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."
Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency."
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinsky! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."
"How could that be, Bill?" asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?" said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."
THE WILLAn elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
[Thanks to my sister, the Goddess Cyndy
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.
She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
HOW REAL MEN BATHE THEIR GIRLFRIEND'S CATS
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid — cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl like a jet engine.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.
THE TOP 13 SIGNS BILL GATES IS HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISISNOTE FROM CHRIS: Bill Gates, Microsoft owner and the richest human being on the planet, turned 44 on Thursday of last week. But is he satisfied with his life?
13. Gives his age as "39, version 5."
12. Hires someone to purchase a sports car and pursue young bimbos.
11. Spends $6 on a new hairstyle.
10. "No, honey. I didn't say I bought *a* Porsche..."
9. Replaced the animated paper clip Office Assistant with a Hooters waitress.
8. Grows beard and tints it gray to simulate the "look and feel" of Steven Jobs.
7. Keeps buying younger and younger companies.
6. Supermodel eggs? Pffft. Bill's got him a six-pack of supermodels.
5. "The first rule of Microsoft Club is: Everyone Kisses My Ass In Microsoft Club!"
4. Same as everybody else: Decides to run for President.
3. Ignores his wife to spend time writing inappropriate code for a 16-year-old Apple Lisa.
2. Changed the name of his company to EnormousHard.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Bill Gates is Having a Mid-life Crisis...
1. Joined the Personality Club for Men.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White