THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 12, 1999
In the province of the mind what one believes to be true, is.
John Lily
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I am a being from another planet. I have been studying your culture by transforming myself into this text. Right now I am having sex with your eyes and I know you like it because you are smiling. Was it good for you?
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy next to me.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. Bob Newhart
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Every time I try to push the envelope, I get a paper cut. Lee Entrekin
What's the name of that religion that preaches that once you die, you go some place where you end up eating macaroni and cheese all day while having sex? 'Cause I think I'm about ready to sign up. Brayden Simms
Ruminations
Copyright ฉ 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure!
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
CANDY IS DANDY BUT LICORICE IS QUICKER: (Boston, MA) A ladies man suffering from a lackluster libido may want to lay off the licorice. Three Italian doctors warn in a letter published in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine that glycyrrhizic acid, the active ingredient in licorice, suppressed sex hormone levels in seven men in their 20s. Just 7 grams (0.25 ounces) of licorice a day over four days was enough to reduce the amount of testosterone by an average of 44 percent. Extracts of licorice root are a widely used flavoring agents found in breath fresheners and candy. (Reuters)
PAPER OR PLASTIC?: (St. Petersburg, Fla. Convenience store robbers sometimes wear stockings or ski masks to hide their faces. This one used a clear plastic bag. "It looked like a big prophylactic down to his waist. Kind of translucent," said Pinellas County Sheriff's Sgt. Greg Tita. Police said Herman Hill, 35, a transient, did not have a disguise when he went to a St. Petersburg area Circle K convenience store Tuesday, allegedly to rob the place, so he grabbed a transparent garbage bag and threw it over his head. Authorities said he made off with less than $100. Hill, who told police he was a crack addict, was arrested Thursday when authorities said he was caught trying to break into a home. He was charged with robbery, attempted burglary and trying to escape. (Reuters)
[Hill should have been charged with Criminal Stupidity.]
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--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright ฉ 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC II: Number of Americans who marry their first love? 20%
BENT STATISTIC III: Average number of times Americans fall in love in their lifetime: 6
BENT STATISTIC IV: Women are twice as likely to propose divorce.
BENT STATISTIC V: Percentage of American marriages that end in divorce: about 50%
BENT STATISTIC VI: Divorced men are four times as likely go get into a fatal car accident as divorced women.
-- To sum it up, if you're a man, you'll fall in love with your elementary school teacher when you're 9, propose to your high school sweetheart when you're 18, soon start
ogling other women and be completely baffled when your wife leaves you when you're 35, run out and buy a used Porsche to cure your sagging ego, and run off the cliff on the way home because you were looking in the rear view mirror at the hitchhiking blonde and didn't see the Safeway truck coming around the corner .
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--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright ฉ 1999, Jim Rosenberg
[Three words of advice for Bill Gates: "Linux for Dummies".]
Researchers report that antihistamines which cause drowsiness may be dampening employee productivity.
[Productivity experts warn employees normal routine may be serverely disturbed they may be unable to become aroused at pornographic websites they are visiting or laugh at e-mail joke they receive.]
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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright ฉ 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
REMEMBER TO TRY THIS EXCUSE: (Oslo, Norway) A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims only his teeth were full of liquor. The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported Friday. He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped in cavities in his bad teeth.
[This is a very common habit among drunks. They store booze in their teeth against the winter months when booze is so much harder to come by.]
MIRACLE CURE: Japanese doctor Kiro Arikawa claims to have found a cure for insomnia, allergies, anxiety, and plain old stress. Dr. Arikawa insists that the root of all these maladies is simply too little sex. "Sex is absolutely vital to glowing good health," he explains, "and many people just don't get enough." The doctor maintains that healthy sex decreases stress levels, and leads to contentment and long life...
[Now where can I get this prescription filled?]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
THE TOP 14 THINGS ON BILL GATES' TO-DO LIST
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The news is not very good for Bill Gates. On Friday, the judge in the antitrust trial of Microsoft ruled that the software company has monopoly power in PC operating systems and that it has used that power to crush potential threats from competitors.
14. Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.
13. Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.
12. Stop payment on Satan's check.
11. Search JobOptions.com:
Field = "Technology"
Salary > $25 Billion
10. Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.
9. Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.
8. Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego".
7. Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.
6. Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.
5. Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done".
4. Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.
3. Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture on Janet Reno.
2. See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug".
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates' To-Do List...
1. Halt the global economy by taking all my money and going home.
The Top 5 List
Copyright ฉ 2000, by Chris White
SEX QUIZ
The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, know where babies come from, but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get there. Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut finger. And no fewer than 44% reason that being into
leather means working as a shoemaker.
The following quiz is designed to measure the smut level of the public:
1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes
2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off
3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter
4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10
5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky
6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage
7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes
8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie
9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls
10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro
11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship
12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat
13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous
14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline
15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals
16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late
17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this pussy?
18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over
MARTIANS vs. VENUSIANS
(HIS STORY vs. HER STORY)
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her Story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm
trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.
I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
His Story:
Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.
CRAIG'S QUICKIES
[Thanks again to Craig]
A: So men can be open minded.
Q: Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service?
A: It's called U.P.M.S. They deliver any time they fucking feel like it.
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won't go down.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
It is about time we learned what's in the drugs that are put out. Just saw a report on CNN; they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% Fix-a-Flat.
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS
12. It was chosen as the official AOL "Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Cool Site of the Day."
11. Only banner ad is a singles ad for your sister.
10. It proudly carries the Pat Robertson Seal of Approval.
9. The home page has so many "Bottom 5%" awards, you can barely see the "Under Construction" graphics.
8. "Best viewed when using Bifocals 1.25 or higher."
7. You were operating under the mistaken impression that God just doesn't like homosexuals and has chosen you to tell everyone.
6. Your blinking text and animated graphics have caused an epidemic of epileptic seizures.
5. Al Gore personally emails you and tells you to get off his Internet.
4. "Featuring Roger Ebert's home sex tapes!"
3. The only guest book entry is from your mom: "Yes, Dear, it's very nice. Now come down to dinner."
2. Previous visitors e-mail you ASCII pictures of vomit.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Website Sucks...
1. Your Pamela Anderson site has no pictures just her poetry.
The Top 5 List
Copyright ฉ 2000, by Chris White
NEW THINGS YOU LEARN WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN
[Thanks again to Craig]
(Better known as the don't try this at home department. Go to the neighbors house and use their kids!)
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.
No matter how much Jello you put in a bathtub, you still can't walk on water.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A FRUIT FLY'S TO-DO LIST
Remind other insects that my being called fruit fly has no bearing on my sexual preference
Plan weekend getaway at my favorite land fill with that sexy fruit fly with the missing leg
See if she wants to get kinky
Land on dog feces. Enjoy
Buzz by human
Watch out for the fly swatter
4 PM meet buddies on human's bananas
Rub legs together
Land on Diana Ross' breast and fondle
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright ฉ 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
SAYING GOODBYE THE 90'S WAY
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is how a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now e-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of
guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an e-mail rejection letter Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition (men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
______ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly overqualified for the position.
______ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______ My breasts are bigger than yours.
______ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
______ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
OTHER ITEMS FOUND IN HITLER'S BUNKER
Highlighted AAA Triptikฎ maps of Russia
Easy Bake oven with Ken and Barbie inside
Nostradamus book
Argentina Real estate guide
Pez cyanide dispenser with Hitler's head
Manuscript for new vegetarian cookbook Mein Carrots
Half eaten bagel and cream cheese
Autographed picture of Errol Flynn
The book Conquering Europe For Dummies.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright ฉ 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 1990's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."
BIZARRE LAWS IN CALIFORNIA
It illegal for anyone to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Sunshine is guaranteed to residents.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Removing your clothes in a bath house is against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat (robe).
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin)
Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective, as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to lead to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upward and downward motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin. If treated with the right respect, it will make a wonderful pet.
THE [insert ethnic or state background here] OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False).
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6. A G-string is part of a violin.
7. Semen is another word for "sailor".
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is an apartment complex.
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve"
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
OTHER WORDS ELIMINATED OR CHANGED IN AMERICA'S SCHOOL SYSTEM
America's de-evolution continues as more states eliminate the teaching of evolution. The word evolution has been eliminated from Kentucky's school curriculum guidelines however science lessons can include the idea that humans and apes have a common ancestry. The Kentucky Board of Education agreed to substitute the word evolution with the phrase change over time.
The Illinois Board of Education has eliminated the term "evolution" from state school standards. The new standards do not ban the teaching of evolution but leave explicit mention of it to the discretion of local schools. The first science test to be administered next February as part of the new Illinois Standards Achievement Test will not address the term evolution.
We at ComedyZine have discovered Other Words Eliminated Or Changed In America's School System.
Freedom will be replaced by the phrase Having less restrictions than others.
Christians will be known as Godly People.
Non-Christians will be referred to as Ungodly People.
History will now be called Things that might have happened.
Science will be referred to as Some geek's theories about stuff.
The word 'slavery' will be replaced by the phrase, The good ole days.
Racial profiling will be replaced with the phrase, Picking out the undesirables.
Sex education will be referred to as Government Social Guidelines.
Masturbation will be known as Teasing Eden's Serpent.
Sperm once inside a woman shall now be called a living baby.
Sperm once inside a woman's mouth shall now be called a Lewinsky.
A male who has his sperm inside a woman's mouth shall now be called Lucky.
Spousal abuse shall be called Wearing the pants in the family.
Immigration will be known as Letting funny looking foreigners into our homeland.
Racial cleansing shall be called, Something that foreigners do that is none of our business.
Native American shall refer to persons born in America.
Native American Indians will be known as the Casino owners that were here when Columbus discovered America.
The Big Bang will now be known as The day God excreted.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright ฉ 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
MORE TIPS FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol' ", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
