November 19, 1999

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted and rode off.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... He turned himself in. — Rita Rudner

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels. — Faith Whittlesey

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. — Robert Wilensky, University of California

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. — Mae West

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. — Bill Vaughan

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

All of this worrying about computers crashing in the year 2000! It doesn't concern me. I've got the advanced model. It's been crashing like clockwork since 1993.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. — David McIntosh

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it. — Groucho Marx

Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we're not. In both cases the thought is equally shocking. — Arthur C. Clarke

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. — Oliver Wendell Holmes


As it turns out, the love you take is inversely proportional to the square root of the love you make. Paul McCartney needs to check his math. — Dan Lyons

Okay, my rumination (quote) idea really sucked, but if you still want a good laugh, try putting an AOL CD in the microwave on high for 30 seconds. — James Rice

When is McDonald's going to realize they'd get *much* bigger sales with, "Do you want porn with that?" — Dakota Shepard

Consider that I live in the most technologically advanced country in the world, it's eerie how many women I meet who have disconnected phone numbers. — Greg Muchnik

I've finally come up with a job title that describes all those late nights spent on the Internet: Pornologist. — Gary Kee

Life is great, but the hours are hell. — Gregory G. Parrish

Copyright © 1999, Chris White


When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.


The Supreme Court toured the far reaches of free-speech law last Wednesday as it pondered anew what constitutional protections cloak nude dancing in strip clubs…
[Finally, a legal issue that Clarence Thomas is an EXPERT in…]


Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail

BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME: (Denver, Colo.) — Judy Messoline, a Colorado cattle rancher, has received approval to build a 10-foot-high observation tower on her land near Hooper, Colorado. The tower is a UFO watchtower, designed to keep lookout for aliens. The area is known for reports by locals of hovering lights and inexplicable flying objects. "We need something different down here so maybe this is it," Messoline said "We're even going to have a landing pad for UFO's."
-- How about a little counseling, that'd be different….

(Red Deer, Alberta) — When teachers at a high school found a note advising them that there was bomb in school, they sent the students to search the lockers to find it.
-- And they went…

(Cancun, Mexico) — Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on **fire**. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."

(Rio de Janeiro, Brazil) — Okay folks, this is truly weird. Alexandro Orozco, 48, came home one evening after a night out and caught his wife *cheating* on him. But instead of
finding her in the passionate embrace of another man, his wife was moaning to the self imposed pleasure of a recently purchased vibrator. Orozco became enraged and strangled his wife. He is seeking leniency for the murder because of her *infidelity*.



Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg

Marie Osmond was the host in Burbank, California on last Monday as the makers of SpaghettiOs auditioned toddlers to find the kid who sings "the most unique rendition" of the "Uh Oh, SpaghettiOs" jingle.
[I can't be certain, of course, but I believe that this is very close to what Hell is probably like.]

62 Years Ago this week, air conditioners were installed for the first time on Capitol Hill.
[Today, however, the Capitol is cooled predominately by windbags.]

John Wayne Bobbit has been arrested *again* for hitting his girlfriend.
[Proving once again, you can take a man's penis, but you might still be left with a dick.]


--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--

Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.

MAGNETIC PERSONALITY LANDS PERVERT IN JAIL: (San Francisco, CA) — 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet.
[This adventurer probably deserves what he's going to get, but you've got to appreciate the ingenuity.]


A blonde walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"

The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there."

She looks and says, "I want one the red one."

The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."


15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend's Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President's Menu

4. White Meat Can't Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

     and's Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie...

1. The Wing and I

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. These are just a few signs of infection:

• It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

• It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

• It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

• It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

• It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

• This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

• It will drink all your beer.

• It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

• Its radioactive emissions will cause your bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

• It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

• It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

• It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

• It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

• If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

• It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

• It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

• It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill
pickles (Remember Brut 33?).

• It is insidious and subtle.

• It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

• It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

by Ashleigh Brilliant

My life so far has been a long series of things I wasn't ready for.

By using your intelligence, you can sometimes make your problems twice as complicated.

I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

If you keep groaning, please try to do it in a rhythm I can dance to.

Is there life in other families?

Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization.

We can all learn from our failures. What I've learned is how much it hurts to fail.

There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage.

I am irrevocably committed to being permanently indecisive.

I was unemployed for a long time, but couldn't adjust to the hours.

Never underestimate the size and scope of my problems.

The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.

I don't need a great deal of love... but I do need a steady supply.

Instead of past, present, and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Don't tell me to relax — it's only my tension that's holding me together.

I've abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.

Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.

I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

I try to take one day at a time — but sometimes several days attack me at once.

We've been through so much together — and most of it was your fault.

I want to reach your mind — where is it currently located?


Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


10. "If there's a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who's mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit."

9. Four states and a seatmate's life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.

8. The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.

7. "...and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!"

6. The pilot for your transatlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.

5. "And we'd like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team..."

4. "We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back."

3. "In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device."

2. After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think "North By Northwest Airlines" was a bad choice.

    and's Number 1 Sign You Chose the Wrong Airline...

1. The preflight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word "Goodbye" printed in twelve different languages.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


Do you remember when Norm on "Cheers" would say one of his classic one-liners at the beginning of the show? You wanted to remember them to use later, but of course you didn't!! Here's a few for you to relive and enjoy!!!

"Women. Can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"All right, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

(and what they mean)

I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I've used Microsoft Office.

I pilfer office supplies.

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I blame others for my mistakes.

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

I carry a Franklin Planner.

You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I've changed jobs a lot.

The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I'm a college dropout.

Wait! Don't throw me away!

Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.


An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm
so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."


A man was walking across the road when a car struck him. The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..." He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And you were there beside me."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here beside me... There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion...

... He said, " ...I think you really bring me bad luck..."


13. The General's not the only one who gets a Hummer, baby!

12. Is your Southern Baptist upbringing lacking discipline, rigor and mindless rules?

11. Gruel: It's what's for breakfast

10. Undefeated since 1975!

9. Be All That You Can Be — Unless You're Gay, In Which Case Be About Six Inches Less Outgoing Than You Can Be

8. Except for the large bleeding wounds, it's just like paintball.

7. One armored tank: $2.8 million
One loaded machine gun: $625,000
One Army standard toilet plunger: $1,000
Cleaning the urinal with a toothbrush because there was a small scuff on your shoe: priceless.

6. Be there when we take out Canada!

5. Hey, we had cargo pants long before Old Navy.

4. Open fire in your high school — Media outrage and possible jail time.
Open fire in the Army — Chest full o' medals, baby!

3. The US Army: Who needs those Community College snobs, anyway?

2. At least the Village People never wrote a song about *us*.

     and's Number 1 New Slogan for the US Army...

1. Come play with our privates!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!' "


One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for twenty-five years, and there is nothing we haven't heard. So, what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?"

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him.

About ten minutes later she came back.

"Young man, I have consulted with my sister, and the best we can give you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."


A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."


• It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or to accept a challenge to a duel from someone, even if the duel is never fought. The penalty is imprisonment for one to seven years.

• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. (Damn! If only I'd married the weasel in Rhode Island instead of Texas — marriage to a lunatic is still considered valid here... yes, I checked!)

• Coasting downhill in a motorized vehicle with the transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged is prohibited.

• A penalty of $20 to $100 may be assessed for impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer.


A sad Basset Hound was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored and always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Basset Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."


What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.

• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

• The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

• I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.

• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


• The year was 1996. In the last edition before classes let out for the summer, the Virginia Tech Collegiate Times printed a story about Sharon Yeagle, assistant to the vice president for student affairs. The cutline under her picture identified her as the school's 'Director of Butt Licking'. Editor Katy Sinclair told the Associated Press that the mistake resulted from the paper's use of dummy copy stored in its computer system. Strangely, the CT had 'accidentally' given the same title to the associate dean of the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences on Oct. 7, 1995." — Pris Sears

• At the Gibsons (B.C., Canada) Coast News, local government decided to dead-end a local lane that was becoming a shortcut to the other part of town for savvy drivers. It was named Bals after a town father. The editor, bless his heart, ran the headline "Council votes to cut off Bals". — Andy Jukes

• And in a twist on the Don't Typeset It As a Joke Unless You're Prepared To See It In Print Dept., when I worked at the Whistler (B.C.) Question, the Vancouver CBC-TV affiliate used our gaily-festooned production plant as a backdrop for an interview with our highly-regarded ski-racing columnist. (Yes, some mountain towns have such a thing as a ski-racing columnist.) Later, while watching him on TV, I was shocked, mortified and sort of secretly delighted to see five words I had set some months before, "Big fuckin' Plug Right Here", casually pasted on the wall behind him. — Andy Jukes

• An ad appeared in the Indianapolis Star of Dec. 5, 1970, after some labor troubles at the paper, offering oral sex any Friday or Saturday, with a phone number that turned out to be the publisher's. — Larry Lorenz

• I still cherish a page from my former employer, the Middlesex News (Framingham, Mass.). A local story offered the gruesome tale of a man who had been charged with killing and cooking his roommate's kitten. Beneath it someone had filled with a house ad: "Do you like to cook? Read Market Basket every Wednesday". — Pat Washburn

• The flipped caption phenomenon has its televised equivalent. When I worked for Channel 3 News, Bryan-College Station, in the 80s (KBTX-TV,"Deep In the Heart of the Brazos Valley,") the production crew unfortunately got two videotapes out of order in the evening newscast, and as the anchor read: "Texas A&M University intensifies its search for a new president," viewers were treated to pictures of county police officers hammering on the door of a trailer home notorious in the community as a place of prostitution". — Chris Sigurdson

• The Fairbanks News-Miner in 1975 had a great pair of lines: "Chicken Man Charged In Murder" regarding a shootout between two gold miners in the rowdy town of Chicken, Alaska, and "Women Eat Bad Beaver, Die" referencing local chef's error in sterilizing the spatula. — Bill Blessington



Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We're a nonprofit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today.

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