THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 26, 1999
Humanity needs to listen, until such a time as the voice of the soul is heard throughout the universe as the only voice of compassion and reason that has ever existed. When this occurs, all of humanity will be truly free and the voice of the Soul will sing the end of time.
-- Fred Wolf, Physicist/author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -- Isaac Asimov
Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." -- Steven Wright
What is the O.J. web site address? Slash slash backslash escape.
You know right away the band "Barenaked Ladies" is from Canada because if they were from Georgia, they would be called "Buttnaked Women".
Why is England better that the United States?
You only have to get down on one knee when you meet their leader...
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
The essence of marketing is about a blow job. Promise a guy a blow job and you can sell him anything. -- Frank Zappa
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If you filled your toilet with water from the Bermuda triangle, would that eliminate the need to flush? -- Kit Walker
If those folks in Kansas are right about evolution never having happened, I sure hope it happens soon. -- Michael Sheinbaum
If I'm ever in an accident and my life passes before my eyes, I hope it's not the part where I threw up at the office party. -- Tom Sims
What if Paul Newman had gotten the idea instead of Robert Redford? Think how bent out of shape Jesse Helms would be every year over the Butch Film Festival. -- Dave Henry
Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, "Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more." -- R.M. Weiner
Ruminations
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
75% of Americans are planning to celebrate New Year's Eve at home this year, according to a TIME/CNN poll. Only 21% are planning to travel on New Year's Eve
[After watching that Y2K movie on TV they became concerned that their evening could end up just like that story, and become THE MOST BORING TWO HOURS OF THEIR LIVES ]
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--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Sunday marked the 65th birthday of the Ritz Cracker.
[The only still-active cracker which is older is, of course, Strom Thurmond.]
According to a new study, Los Angeles-area commuters spend 82 hours each per year stuck in traffic.
[Of course, if you factor out the time spent behind O.J., it's a much more reasonable 30 hours.]
-----------------------------------
From the Desk of Mr. Monologue:
Mr. Monologue will be enjoying Thanksgiving with his family until Monday, November 29. Here's a change of pace from the topical humor until I return on Monday -- Mr. Monologue's own very special holiday get-together recipes!
Mr. Monologue's Thanksgivin' Cookin'
[ ] = permissible substitutions
Family Outing Picnic:
Gay sibling
Conservative parents
Longtime companion
Cover feelings and simmer for lifetime. Do not overcook.
Big Hair Centerpiece:
Cosmetologist-trainee sister
Dyed blonde hair
Fluff with fork
Couch Potato Pie:
19 bowl games
1 large rump
Stuff with food
Let sit
Bumpkin Pie:
RV-load of rural relatives
10 fifths of Jack Daniels
10 cases Old Milwaukee
Crab dip
New carpet
Mix until spews
Braised Feelings:
Nervous daughter [daughter-in-law]
10 pounds extra fat
1 cracked mother [mother-in-law]
Mix together and stew
Black Sheep Pie:
1 black sheep
Hopes (dashed)
Feelings (bitter)
Heat until boiling
Whine Spritzer:
2 or more siblings [friends]
2 parents
1 lifetime of missed opportunities
Mix ingredients together in big room. Add whine.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.
THE TOP 12 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE WHITE HOUSE THANKSGIVING DINNER
12. "Mr. President, you're drinking the gravy again."
11. "And now for the stuffing... hey! Who put a cigar in there?!? This is NOT funny!!"
10. "I'll be back in a minute, Honey. I'm just going to offer the intern a little stuffing."
9. "Roasted turkey!? Dammit, is the deep fryer broken again?"
8. "Man! Who are those hot young babes who came in with Gore and his wife?"
7. "Oh, come on, Al -- you did *not* invent Thanksgiving."
6. "God, I'd be thankful if HE were de-boned."
5. "I did not have seconds of that dish... mashed potatoes."
4. "Pssst... Monica, we don't kneel to say grace."
3. "It would not be an unforeseen event for the dryness quotient of my slain meat product to be so elevated at to suggest artificial moistening as a direction in which we may eventually want to move. Then again, if..."
"Would someone just pass Greenspan the friggin' gravy already?!?"
2. "I'm sorry, Mr. Starr, no one here knows the Heimlich maneuver."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner...
1. "Pay attention, Bill: Here's a little carving trick I learned from Lorena Bobbitt."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER
Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
Rides in your car with its head out the window.
She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
[Thanks to Fred, the God of Golf]
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced payer will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Payers should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Payers are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
THE TOP TEN SLOGANS CURRENTLY BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
BAD DAY AT WORK
(by a distant relative of Wile E. Coyote)
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 pounds of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
THE RULES OF BUREAUCRACY
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOU'VE BOARDED A BAD CRUISE SHIP
12. The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.
11. Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin
10. All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic.
9. First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor.
8. Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise.
7. The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.
6. Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.
5. The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table.
The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table.
4. Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.
3. Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin.
Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks.
2. "And here's your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Boarded a Bad Cruise Ship...
1. "Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
OFFICE PRANKS
(by Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert")
Prank #1:
Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.
Prank #2:
Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist.
If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free.
For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations.
Prank #3:
Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music.
Prank #4:
Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."
THE TOP 12 SIGNS THE POPE IS YOUR SECRET ADMIRER
12. You receive a "Get out of Hell Free" card in the mail.
11. Confesses he gets a "resurrection" just thinking about you.
10. Replaces your communion wafer with a Godiva chocolate.
9. No matter what the sin: 3 Hail Mary's and a back massage.
8. When you ask if he likes you, responds with, "Am I Catholic?"
7. Anonymous, racy e-mail traced to "bigcheese@vatican.org."
6. "Except With the Pope" is added to the end of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
5. Keeps wanting to introduce you to "Pope Johnson."
4. "Mirrors on the ceiling? That's kid stuff. I'm talkin' Michaelangelo, Baby!"
3. Envelopes arrive marked "You May Already Be a Saint."
2. Trades in the pope-mobile for a Trans Am.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the Pope is Your Secret Admirer...
1. You start receiving woolen unmentionables from Frederick's of Warsaw.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
ADAM AND EVE
Adam answered: "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said: "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied: Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said: "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said: "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, ''Now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked: "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
seconds.
And Adam said: "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A NAKED MAN
Ahh, it's so cute.
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
Let me go get my tweezers.
How sweet, you brought incense!
This explains your car.
Are you one of those pygmies?
All right! A treasure hunt!
Do you take steroids?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Let me know when you're done.
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first...
Is that an optical illusion?
Were you neutered?
So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
BIZARRE LAWS IN MICHIGAN
Michigan takes their rats seriously. You can collect a 10 cent bounty on every rat you bring into a town office.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she is injured in your house.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo.
In Pontiac, Michigan, it is illegal to drink soda in a bag of any kind.
Michigan law prohibits chaining an alligator to a fire hydrant.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
[Thanks again to Fred]
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan, so he runs to tell the doctor.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened -- to which the man replies: "She choked."
YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE 90'S IF...
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different organizations.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Your supervisors' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
You read this entire list and understood it.
QUIZ
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
1. There are no Jews living in:
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks
2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar-mitzvahs and weddings
3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed
4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next
5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish
6. Wilderness means:
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup
7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments
8. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers
9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter
10. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition
11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to:
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set
12. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar
13. Jews are ambivalent about:
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing
Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".
39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.
29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.
17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS ABOUT TO GO POSTAL
10. New pickup line: "You'd be the hostage I kept till the end."
9. Three straight days wearing his "What Would Charles Bronson Do?" T-shirt.
8. His new "365 Ways to Go Berserk" desk calendar.
7. Overheard saying to his manager, "Y2K? Not gonna be an issue dude."
6. The company newsletters on his bulletin board have push-pins through everyone's faces.
5. His molar grinding is actually causing sparks.
4. He suggests replacing "Casual Day" with "Wear a Bull's-eye T-shirt Day."
3. Whenever you ask how he's doing, he always says, "Gruntled." Except today.
2. He discreetly shows you the staple gun he's converted to fully automatic.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Co-worker is About to Go Postal...
1. He's the only one at work smiling.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THERAPY
"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"
"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
