THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 3, 1999
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Mantra: "I am in shape. Round is a shape."
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. Homer Simpson
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. Franklin P. Jones
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. Max Planck
They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never turn the damn lights off...
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage. Max Born
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future. Yogi Berra
Psychiatrist: Someone who tries to figure out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.
I tried to wrestle my demons once... but they used too many illegal holds.
I feel sorry for Bob Dole, because he can't get along with turtles, snakes, lizards, or alligators. How horrible it must be to have a reptile dysfunction. Dan Lyons
Ruminations
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I will clearly and firmly express my needs to others as soon as they're out of earshot.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: The Federal Aviation Administration is reporting that the nation's 565 federally regulated airports have met the government's Year 2000 safety and security requirements...
[They'll be able to misroute you, cancel your flight, and lose your luggage just as effectively in the new millennium...]
BOOKS: Author AA Gill has won the British publishing industry's Bad Sex in Fiction Award intended to highlight the worst, most redundant or embarrassing description in fiction of the sexual act for a passage from his latest novel, 'Star-crossed'
[Personally I would have chosen the "Starr Report" ]
"ENTERTAINMENT": In Finland, some 900 relatives of actress Pamela Anderson,
whose great-grandfather left Finland in 1908, hope to see her at a family reunion next summer
[Unless great-grandpa had lip injections, dyed blonde hair and breast augmentation, there won't be much of a resemblance ]
SURF REPORT: A Charlevoix Michigan man, 39, got a month in jail for posting an Internet message urging people to call his estranged wife for phone sex...
[Ironically, his lawyer is charging him $3.99 per minute...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Texas State Representative Jim Kaster introduced a bill requiring anyone wanting to commit a crime to tell the future victim at least twenty-four hours in advance and to notify them of the right to use deadly force.
IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY "DUH" WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL: "Study: Obesity Can Shorten Lifespan" AP headline
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: Two men from Georgia have been charged with violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act and the Migratory Bird Protection Act. Leighton Deming, 56, and Thomas Marciano, 42, were arrested by the FBI after trying to sell an apparently genuine turn-of-the-century eagle-feathered headdress worn by Apache leader Geronimo. The FBI was alerted to the scheme by the advertisement itself, which was posted on the Internet. "It said 'only serious candidates must respond because it is illegal to sell eagle feathers in the United States'," an FBI spokeswoman said. (Reuters) [Everyone is entitled to be stupid now and then, but some people really abuse the privilege.]
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Scientists found six planets orbiting stars outside our solar system, and five of the newly discovered objects are just the right distance from their suns to support life, astronomers said on Monday.
[Republican Presidential candidate George W. Bush, when questioned by reporters, was unable to name the leaders of any of the planets except to guess "Mork or Orson" for the closest one.]
A new University of Michigan research center, funded by a $10 million grant from the National Institute is designed to investigate the detrimental emotional and physical health effects of being poor.
[Let Mr. Monologue help: it really, really sucks. That'll be $9 million.]
The U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to consider whether electrocution amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.
[The Court is expected to vote no, as at least seven of the Justices are routinely electronically defibrillated just to remain alert.]
NASA is set to crash two tiny probes into Mars this week at 400 mph, crashing them into the ground.
["Everything is go," according to Mission Commander Joseph Hazelwood.]
In Rome, a fully soundproof state of the art confessional was unveiled Friday, offering air conditioning, black leather seats and soft lighting.
["Forgive me father, for I have ... damn, this is nice do you get cable in here?"]
The makers of Trojan condoms are recommending as a stocking stuffer this holiday season their new Trojan Supra condom.
[I don't know this blurring of the naughty/nice thing is going to really mess Santa up if you ask me.]
The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday said it will decide the constitutionality of a New Jersey hate crime law.
[Personally, I don't care what the hell the Supreme Court says, nothing can stop me from hating New Jersey.]
In Springfield Missouri, Moola the Asian elephant has given birth through artificial insemination.
[Moola had given up on natural fertilization after receiving no response to her personal ad, "Single Gray Elephant, seeks sensitive bull who enjoys long baths in the mud and swatting bugs off back. No rogues."]
Government regulators Tuesday approved the $81 billion merger of Exxon and Mobil.
[In order to finance the merger, service station bathroom cleanups will be scaled back from once a month to once a year.]
According to Dr. James Deardorff, a rare religious document known as the "Talmud Jmmanuel" suggests the father of Jesus was actually an extraterrestrial named "Gabriel".
[This is good news for Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), which can now legitimately get a ratings boost by picking up "The X-Files" in syndication.]
The Missouri Department of Transportation says a federal judge has ordered that the Ku Klux Klan be permitted to take part in the state's "Adopt a Highway."
[They are actually very helpful; if you break down on their stretch of road they'll get right under the hood.]
"The Science Of Christmas," a Discovery Channel special that will air December 22, reports it would be impossible for Santa's reindeer team to be masculine because male
reindeer lose their antlers during the winter.
[I knew it. There's no way they could get to every house without stopping to ask for directions.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
YOU OVERDID THANKSGIVING IF...
You spilled more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.
Paramedics brought in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
Your after dinner moans were loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian.
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 14' boat!
The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
You got grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down.
Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist.
You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed.
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.
It looks like the leftovers are going last until Christmas.
Your arms are too heavy to reach the keyboard & delete this message.
THE TOP 15 UNFORESEEN SIDE EFFECTS OF THE Y2K BUG
15. Computer glitch at People Magazine makes Dom DeLuise the "Sexiest Man Alive!"
14. No power failures, no mass hysteria, but from January 1st on, everyone's toast is just a little bit burnt.
13. "Suddenly Susan" suddenly funny.
12. Their computers thwarted, the public library will finally get their 12-year-overdue copy of "Our Bodies, Our Selves" back and I... er, my friend won't have to pay a penny in late fees!
11. Several thousand Internet startups simultaneously and inexplicably turn a profit.
10. World falls under the iron fist of Amish overlords.
9. All "2000 Flushes" toilet bowl sanitizers simultaneously detonate, causing a "Blue Butt" epidemic in trailer parks across the US.
8. While speaking at a fund-raiser, Al Gore malfunctions and shuts down in mid-sentence.
7. Overnight, CompUSA becomes "Crazy Larry's Liquidation Center."
6. Strom Thurmond starts to receive free birthday ice-cream cones at Baskin-Robbins.
5. "Student Loan? No, I'm pretty sure I paid that in full last month."
4. With all the rioting and looting, your reclusive neighbor Chuck can finally roam the streets relatively unnoticed in his halter top and buttless chaps.
3. "First-rate Hunter-gatherer" now a key resume bullet.
2. President Clinton's January issue of "Hustler" is accidentally sent to ex-president William McKinley.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Unforeseen Side-Effect of the Y2K Bug...
1. McDonald's faces a rash of lawsuits when out-of-work COBOL programmers begin dumping hot coffee into their laps to make ends meet.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 20 THINGS NOT TO SAY IN A JOB INTERVIEW
20. "...and I always try to present a professional image. By the way, did I mention that I'm not wearing any underwear?"
19. "Can we make this quick? Oprah's on in 15 minutes."
18. "This job is merely a stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of becoming the Almighty Supreme Being."
17. "Convicted of a felony? No, but I'd certainly like to try."
16. "Say, didn't I see you on 60 Minutes?"
15. "Could you notify my parole officer that I've found a job?"
14. "You will only refer to me as 'Mistress Ken', and you will speak only after I beat the answer out of your weak, but willing, flesh. Understand?"
13 "Damn! Your nose hairs are long enough to braid!"
12. "Where's the men's room? I gotta big-time wedgie."
11. "When ya been in da' big house as long as me, ya don't need no office wid no window."
10. "I ain't never used no computer, but I reckon I could give it a whirl."
9. "You gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?"
8. "What will I be doing in 5 years? Watching you beg for your job, pal."
7. "Don't you want me to turn my head and cough?"
6. "When I saw Sally Struthers endorsing it, I knew it was the college for me."
5. "So the presidential motorcade passes right under this window, eh?"
4. "References, schmeferences We're talking trust here, babe."
3. "My salary requirements? Just keep those Corn Nuts a-comin'!"
2. "Qualifications? I got your qualifications right here!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Not to Say in a Job Interview...
1. "I brought some buds, dude, wanna spark a bowl?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
COMPUTER JOKES
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
ROBERTS' RULES OF COMPUTER ORDER
You will never have an extra blank disk.
If you do bring along a blank disk, you won't need it.
If you don't bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.
If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that's a technical term).
The percentage chance of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.
No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.
You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.
The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.
The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.
You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.
You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. For no discernible reason.
When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume your printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn't care. Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of tea.
The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursday's paper at 30% less.
Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.
It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.
The 800 number will be busy.
"Windows is a 32 bit patch to a 16 bit GUI based on a 8 bit operating system, written for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company which cannot stand 1 bit of competition."
How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"We have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine."
THE TOP 14 NEW EUPHEMISMS FOR "STUPID"
14. Routinely outsmarted by cheese
13. Three experts short of an antitrust suit
12. Three-time Darwin Award winner
11. Keeps her brain in mint condition
10. A few planets short of a federation
9. Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
8. Duh! on parade
7. Still cutting with rounded scissors
6. He's a T-1 line of pure stupid
5. At least one Brady short of a Bunch
4. Sharp as a donut
3. Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2. T minus dumb and counting
and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1. "Good afternoon, Boulder Homicide"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 11 PET PEEVES OF PETS
11. Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
10. Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!
9. Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
8. Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.
7. Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am Lord and Master!
6. Parrot: Tease, tease, tease but do those greedy bastards ever *really* give me a cracker? HELL, no!!
5. Dog: Human legs that just tease.
4. Cat: Why are these people in my house?
3. Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!
2. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pet Peeve of Pets...
1. Guppy: Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've got one of those stringy turds hanging.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your necktie.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates..."
You think all artists are gay.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
WHEN IT COMES TO SEX...
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Divers do it deeper
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications and a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Jeep owners do it an all four
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals
PSYCHIC
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"...No," replied the psychic, "Next term in her biology class."
BIRTH OF A HAMSTER [Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Gross!" they shrieked.
"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster
babies?" my wife wanted to know.
"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us
through it."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just..."
"Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its..." she gasped.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.
A KID'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK ON LIFE
"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." Andrew, Age 9
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom." Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert." Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster." Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station." Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." Hank, age 12
"Remember, you're never too old to hold your father's hand." Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing." Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome: church and Grandma's house." Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." Matthew, age 12
THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW
[Thanks again to Craig]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!
A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dog's heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog.
Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves of a marijuana plant.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver/
The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'
By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. (So will holding the wooden end of a match in your mouth really)
An elephant can smell water three miles away.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
