THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 10, 1999
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.
Barbara De Angelis
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven't done the research, and don't really have anything to back them up, do they?
Black holes are where God divided by zero. Steven Wright
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
Men don't use sex to get what they want because sex IS what they want!
So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?
Did you hear about the guy that swallowed his Viagra pill too slowly?
...Now he has a stiff neck!
I like to give my wife a little call from work every day just to tell her I love her and ask her why she changed the locks.
"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."
People think that I hear little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That's ridiculous. It's more like a movie, with these little hamster guys that hold up charts and maps and other visual aids. You know, whatever they have to use.
If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floor of my car, because there's a lot of crap down there.
Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it. Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
I have opinions of my own strong opinions but I don't always agree with them. George Bush, former U.S. President
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
"It's all coming back to me now," said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I do not require constant sexual gratification to make me feel good about myself. I require constant sexual gratification because I love it, baby!
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
President Clinton lit the National Christmas tree and led a sing-a-long of carols with Santa Claus and Las Vegas showman Wayne Newton...
[Then came the annual tradition where he hung the mistletoe on his belt buckle...]
Seattle police had to seal off the hotel where President Clinton was staying during the World Trade Organization meetings...
[But despite the armed guards, some female hotel employees still escaped from his hotel room...]
Senator Robert Dole and Elizabeth Hanford were married on December 6, 1975 and celebrated their 24th anniversary on Monday...
[But they didn't honeymoon until 1998, when Viagra was invented...]
Publisher Steve Forbes came out swinging in Monday night's Republican presidential debate but his first target was President Clinton rather than Texas Gov. George W. Bush or his other rivals. "It was the Republicans who stopped some of the destructive nonsense of the Clinton-Gore administration that enables us to enjoy the prosperity we have today,'' Forbes said
[With Alan Keyes up there with all those white Republicans, it looked like "Hootie & The Blowhards" ]
ENTERTAINMENT: Members of Congress in Peru slammed two popular television talk shows, "Laura on America" and "Maritere", for daring audience members to do "anything for money" in a live program, including licking dirty armpits and lying in frogs' urine...
[Hey those are two of the loan qualifications at my bank, too!!!]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
NASA has all but given up hope that they will be able to contact the $165 million Mars Polar Lander.
[Scientists plan to meet with a representative of the National Association of Wives for strategies on how to deal with a unit that seems a million miles away, has stopped listening, and is basically given up for dead.]
"The Science Of Christmas," a Discovery Channel special that will air December 22, reports it would be impossible for Santa's reindeer team to be masculine because male
reindeer lose their antlers during the winter.
[I knew it. There's no way they could get to every house without stopping to ask for directions.]
Government regulators Tuesday approved the $81 billion merger of Exxon and Mobil.
[In order to finance the merger, service station bathroom cleanups will be scaled back from once a month to once a year.]
Exxon Mobil Corp. has adopted a policy against giving benefits to the partners of newly hired gay employees, breaking with a policy at Mobil before the companies merged last week.
[Apparently, the company only approves of friendly mergers involving petroleum products in limited circumstances.]
President Clinton announces Tuesday a plan to report and correct medical mistakes that kill or injure thousands each year.
[In other medical news, Clinton also announced his "Free Breast Augmentation for Every American Woman" voucher program, which he plans to personally oversee.]
Northwest Airlines said Monday it fired a pilot who delayed a flight for over an hour because he didn't like the meal he was served on the plane and took a cab to get food.
["Ladies and Gentleman, the Captain has illuminated the 'I'm Hungry' sign feel free to move about the cabin while I get me some grub."]
According to a study released Tuesday, teen-agers who drink or take drugs are much more likely to have sex at a younger age and with several partners than are teens who don't use alcohol or drugs.
[Drug dealers nationwide urged patience, indicating it would take a while to for the supply of drugs to catch up with the increased demand generated by the finding.]
PHOENIX, AZ There's a long standing saw that says, "If you can't fix it, Duct Tape it." But one Phoenix resident took this axiom too literally when he employed a roll of the tape to bind his wife to her legal obligations. To ensure his wife showed up for her court date, Robert Horton bound her arms, legs and mouth with duct tape and drove her to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix. He dropped her off at the security officer's desk in a very matter-of-fact manner. Wife Belinda was arrested several days prior for aggravated assault and resisting arrest, but was unwilling to talk this time even after the tape was removed. Authorities are still considering whether to bring charges against Robert.
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
[And they say trust is the glue that binds a marriage together.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
LADIES, YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...
15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage... anything to break the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks, no orgasm.
5. Three weeks, no orgasm... and you still don't miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
MORE NEW WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
One Spice Girl short of a quintet
A few beans short of a chalupa
Experiencing a mental brown-out
Fill his head with candy and you'd have an ugly pinata
Winning the Supermodel Egg Auction
Milking the bull
At least one Brady short of a Bunch
Sharp as a donut
Has a vacancy at the Gray Matter Motel
"Good afternoon, Boulder Homicide"
T minus dumb and counting
Emperor of Planet Duh
President of the Carrot Top Fan Club
All salt, no margarita
Synapses are shooting blanks
Routinely outsmarted by cheese
Keeps her brain in mint condition
The drawbridge is down, the moat is empty and Rapunzel just got a haircut.
So dense light bends around his head.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE FACTS OF LIFE
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You!', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too!' "
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]I. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything just sit and stare.
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping;" humans are known to refer to it as hampering." The following are the rules for "helping":
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
4. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
In the dark; and
When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
Show interest only in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del.
Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
ACTUAL PERSONALS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS
[Thanks again to John]
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman... POB 43.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
BIZARRE LAWS IN WEST VIRGINIA
It is legal to beat your wife, but only in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps. Huntington, WV.
Firemen may not whistle or flirt with any woman passing a firehouse. Huntington, WV.
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. Nicholas County, WV.
You may be punished by fine for wearing a hat inside a theater.
It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 pounds.
The Division of Motor Vehicles recently revoked 3M TA3 as a personalized license plate, because when viewed in the rear view mirror it said: "EAT ME".
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
A LITTLE SEX BASHING
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.
Q: What is a male sex change operation called?
A: A lopitoffofme.
Q: Why is P.M.S. called P.M.S.?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
HOW THE MEDIA WOULD HANDLE THE END OF THE WORLD
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
Sports Illustrated: Game Over
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse
Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE
America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
[Thanks again to Craig]
A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."
Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too."
AT&TOne thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Copyright © Robert Byron,
Me: (Swallowing) Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
[At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.]
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
[When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.]
AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
[Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.]
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
[So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:]
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
[I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.]
Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
[I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.]
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
REGULATIONS FOR HUNTING ATTORNEYS
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (noncommercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States
currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cutthroats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
THE ULTIMATE E-MAIL QUIZ
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!
THE BEST BARAn Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"