THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 17, 1999
[Be] at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
— Max Ehrmann, from Desiderata
— Max Ehrmann, from Desiderata
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
I don't care who you are. Get the reindeer off my foot!
Be Naughtysave Santa the trip.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I will look at my body in a positive light that makes my hips look smaller.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE CHRISTMAS JOKE
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the attractive blonde woman behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar'."
WISHING YOU ALL A VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLIDAY...
[Thanks to my sister, The Goddess Cyndy]
SEASON'S GREETINGS!
(After the lawyers were done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page
and Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
Multiple Personality: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
Depression: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
SANTA'S 'TO DO' LIST
• Hire Johnny Cochran for Elf sexual discrimination lawsuit
• Call AAA for Quick Trip
• Tell reindeer they are fired if they do the Budweiser advertisement with frogs
• Check on the second string reindeer, Brucey The Brown Nosed Reindeer, Onslow The Alcoholic Reindeer, Ellen The Lesbian Reindeer, Snoop Doggy Deer The Hood Reindeer, and Barf The Sick Reindeer
• Monitor Weather Channel for El Niño
• Take extra batteries for electric socks
• Put hardtop on sled
—————————————————————
A SHOPPING MALL SANTA'S 'TO DO' LIST
• Practice my Ho Ho Ho's
• Use store discount to buy gifts
• Put Santa suit on
• Give cute girl my e-mail address so we can chat in private
• After work stop at strip club to and have girls sit on Santa's lap and ask them to prove they have been good
• Cancel subscription to Penthouse, start subscription to Hustler
• Go to Las Vegas, get drunk and marry Carmen Electra
• Weekly meeting with parole officer
• Call agent about stand-up gig
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
CHRISTMAS MERGER
[Thanks again to John]
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
SANTA'S NEW CONTRACT
[Thanks again to John]
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated... Please read the following carefully...
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph, The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
COMEDYZINE'S CONSUMER ADVOCATE REPORT
HOLIDAY SHOPPERS WARNING
The Consumer Toy Board has found several dangerous toys on the market. Consumers should be careful not to purchase any of these potentially dangerous toys this holiday season.
DEFECTIVE TOY LIST
• The John Bobbit anatomically correct doll. The detachable plastic penis is small enough to get caught in a young child's throat.
• The O.J. Lawn Darts. Sharp objects should always be kept away from children.
• The Tommy Lee Baby's First Tattoo. Comes with needles. Not for youngsters.
• The David Letterman Pencil Toss game. The game has children tossing pencils. Could poke an eye out.
• The Unibomber Board game. Teaches how to make a bomb. Not for children.
• The Janet Reno Hair Styling Salon. Could influence girls to look like her.
• The Dr. Kevorkian Board Game. Object of game is to kill your friends. Not for young children.
HELPFUL HOLIDAY TIPS
• On those cold frosty mornings, use a John Tesh CD to scrape the ice off your car windows.
• Martha Stewart knows more helpful hints then anyone, but here's one she never thought of. When your lovable pet dog does a poop on the living room carpet, take the Martha Stewart Living magazine that no one reads on the coffee table and use it to scoop up the poop. First you carefully tear out the back page of the magazine. Using the rest of the magazine to thrust the poop on to the back page. Bend each corner of the back page to the center, then twist. You have a handy poop carrying case. Deposit in garbage or give as gift to the annoying neighbor next door.
• Tired of all the family? Hang a mistletoe over the toilet and tell them to kiss your butt.
• This Christmas make the most out of what you have. Empty beer cans and bottle caps make wonderful Christmas tree ornaments.
• Condoms make nice stocking stuffers. Safe sex is best way to say, "I love you."
• Tired of all the long lines at the department stores? Just start coughing and hacking, the line will thin out in no time at all.
• Are you lonely and depressed during the holiday season? Treat yourself to an inflatable doll, and sit her under the mistletoe. You'll never be lonely again.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
CHRISTMAS BALLS
They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen!
They hung so heavy and low.
I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough.
They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very hard and fast.
They finally came. They came close to exploding.
I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree.
THE TOP 10 HOT TOYS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
10. Seattle Protest BarbieComplete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
9. The Al Gore DollSo real, it's almost life-like!
8. Toy Story 2 adult action figuresBuzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
7. H2-Oh!Pop it in the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
6. Celery MonsterCookie Monster's anorexic sister
5. Day Trader Barbiecomes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
4. My First Nipple RingBe the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
3. Lower G.I. JoeTeaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
2. PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hot Toy This Holiday Season...
1. Playskool Oval OfficeIf the house is a rockin', don't come a knockin' (until it's your turn!).
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON
DECORATION
• Used dental floss over a Christmas tree gives the effect of snow.
• Empty airline liquor bottles make nice tree ornaments.
• Twisted nails hung on a tree give the impression of traditional English icicle ornaments.
• Mayonnaise smeared on windows gives the effect of snow. (Southern cities only)
• Make your very own nut Christmas tree. Yes, a nut Christmas tree made with real nuts. Walnuts, pecans, Brazil nuts, whatever nuts you like. Simply glue your nuts in the shape of a Christmas tree. You can even paint your nuts and decorate them with ornaments. Remember, Christmas time or anytime, it's always fun to play with nuts. Preferably in mixed company.
GIFTS
• Recycle cards. Scratch out the names inside cards you received last year and resend them to friends and family.
• Cigars make a fine gift. They are trendy and are a great gift for the sophisticated cigar aficionado. That is someone who doesn't give a damn about lung cancer, tobacco smelling clothes or bad breath. Also cigars make a fun sex toy.
• Aromatherapy CandlesRecipients will enjoy calming aromatherapy at home or work! These candles are designed to relax and rejuvenate. If they don't, well, at least you can use them to light up your cigar.
• Never give chocolates to obese people. It will only encourage them to eat more.
• Be original when wrapping presents. Use old newspaper. For the very unusual wrap in toilet paper.
• Condoms make great stocking stuffers! Or hang condoms over fireplace to be stuffed.
SAFETY
• Mixed marriage couples should avoid lighting the Menorah near the Christmas tree. A dry brittle tree is a fire waiting to happen.
• Never use a blow torch to light the Menorah candles.
• Leaving several opened boxes on the street curb for garbage collection can be a hazard. Obstructing the view of the street may cause car crashes. Spread them evenly down the street. Large boxes should be given to the homeless for low cost housing.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 1999, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE 12 DAYS OF AOL CHRISTMAS
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
On the first day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the second day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the third day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fourth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fifth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the sixth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the seventh day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eight day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the ninth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the tenth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eleventh day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the twelfth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me,
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
POLITICALLY CORRECT RUDOLPH
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon luster.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever
came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonymsthe objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent
with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas Eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year...
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that
he navigate through the nocturnal mist
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your
memory will be preserved for posterity!
CHRISTMAS: THE SEASONAL COMMAND
NAME
christmas, xmas, season2bjollySystems administration tool.
SYNOPSIS
christmas [ — jinglebells] [ — happy] [ — merry] [ — happy-new-year]
[ — glad-tidings] [ — cheer] [ — office-party]
DESCRIPTION
This manual page documents the dedicated systems administration
period known as `christmas'. This is a series of times spanning
86400 seconds. The next period of christmas is due to take place
851472000 seconds after Epoch. In this period all non-privileged
users accounts remain unused in order that the systems'
administrator can perform vital administration tasks. During this
period the administrator has the opportunity to utilize the machine
to its full capacity since the christmas command places the
machine in single user mode.
— jinglebells With this switch specified all monitors will have
pieces of tinsel around them. Overnight, one strand of
tinsel will get into the fan of a Sparc 10, and the machine
will overheat, and need replacing. This means that during
the christmas period it is essential that the machines are
not left unattended at any time of night or day by the system
administrator.
— happy This is a dangerous state which users can enter during
the use of christmas. It entails users doing recklessly
stupid things and calling it just a bit of fun.
— merry As — happy, but more dangerous. Often associated with a
substance known as ethanol (not all that dissimilar from
isopropanol, the well known monitor cleaning agent), which
disrupts the scheduler in many people, initially increasing
their niceness, but with an excessively large stream, causes
an extreme negative niceness.
— happy-new-year This is a greeting used by people to signify
their recognition that tm_year in struct tm as defined in
time.h is about to increase.
— glad-tidings This switch causes your inbox to be full of
e-mails devoid of content wishing glad tidings. A common
reaction to receipt of such junk-mail is to decrease the
cpu-limit of the user in question.
— cheerObsolete.
— office-party A period when the scanner is used excessively for
unconventional purposes, and the WWW firewall log gets full
of outgoing requests to www.playboy.com. It may be difficult
to login from console during this period.
RETURNS
With a stonking great hangover.
BUGS
Some systems administrators have made the misfortune of connecting
themselves to another human. These administrators may have problems
using the christmas administration tool for the above purpose as
other people in the cluster may wish to use the period for cluster
integration purposes, and performing IPC for extended periods of time.
Dan Sheppard, December 1995.
Slightly modified and updated by Theo Honohan, December 1996
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payloadnot even counting the weight of the sleighto 353,430 tons. Again, for comparisonthis is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistancethis will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusionIf Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Based on the research of SPY magazine, January 1990
FOR THOSE SPECIAL HOLIDAY FAMILY GATHERINGS...
THE TOP 16 INDICATIONS YOUR FAMILY MAY BE DYSFUNCTIONAL
16. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
15. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
14. Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
13. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
12. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
11. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
10. Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menedez Family Christmas."
9. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
8. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
7. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
6. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
5. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
4. You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
