THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 27, 1999
Love is something eternal;
the aspect may change, but not the essence.
Vincent Van Gogh
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I hate sex in the movies... Tried it once and the seat folded up.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. George Burns
My friend just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. Sam Kinison
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. Richard Jeni
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. Butch Hancock
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.
Microsoft: Where do you think you're going today?
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved unless you are talking to Linda Tripp.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Uproar Over Phallic Beacon Statue RIO DE JANEIRO (Reuters)
Plans to build a glowing sculpture that looks like a phallus in Brazil's Recife has plunged the seaside city into such an uproar that its gun-toting mayor even stormed a newspaper and threatened to kill the art critic and a gossip columnist.
Debate over the enormous penis-shaped statue erupted in local media after a city committee voted to censor the commissioned artist, Francisco Brennand, said Rossini Barreira, president of the Union of Pernambuco Journalists, Tuesday.
Brennand, one of Brazil's most famous artists, is known for his erotically charged ceramic sculptures. But he says that his design for the 100-foot (30-meter) tower, which is part of city improvement project, represents a beacon to outer space rather than anything phallic.
The design as shown on television reports, however, did appear to be a giant male sex organ.
(Calling all aliens!!!)
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
HOW TO GET A MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT
(This Week's Selected Excerpt from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus"
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from "The Shining." Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?
NEXT WEEK: Women Yatta Yatta Yatta
CARBON-DATING BARBIE
OK, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway, here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he sent them a Barbie doll head.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull". We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
- The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
- The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
- The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
- The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
- Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected as hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
WHAT THEY SAID... AND WHAT THEY MEANT
WHAT THEY SAID:
"The governor did not know. The subject never came up."
Karen Hughes, spokeswoman for Republican presidential candidate Texas Gov. George W. Bush on why the 1995 sale of his Dallas house had a restriction that the premises "shall be used for private dwelling purposes only and by white persons only, not excluding bona fide servants of any race."
WHAT THEY MEANT:
It was irrelevant because he would only sell it to a white family.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"We hope this initiative will not only provide much needed relief but will inspire decisive action by other countries and institutions."
Vice President Al Gore on a new $100 million Clinton administration initiative to help fight AIDS in Africa.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I hope this initiative will also provide much needed African American support at the polls and help me become president.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Campaign money is the 800-pound gorilla in this chamber every day that nobody talks about, but that cannot be ignored."
Sen. Russ Feingold on soft money campaign contributions influencing legislation.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
Every member of the House and Senate is bought and paid for by campaign contributions except me. I am the only honest person in Washington.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"This is all about elections. This is all about political positioning. This is not a gun ban."
NRA California liaison Steve Helsley after California Gov. Gray Davis signed into law the nation's toughest ban on military type guns that included a measure to limit buyers to one handgun per month.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
This is a political war and we will pour more soft money in to the Republican Party to fight you.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"The one thing we know is our company is resistant to recession. Now, its not resistant to recession in the advertiser-supported areas. But when times are tough, people still want to be entertained and informed. And thats when I think youll see us shine."
Walt Disney Company CEO Michael Eisner on the future of Disney's Internet operations.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
We have more money than God, when others fall to a recession we will be sitting pretty with less competition.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"You always know how many horses are in the herd. The only question is how long it takes to get them into the barn."
Majority Leader Dick Armey R-TX., Referring to the House Republicans attempt to get fellow Republicans to support their $792 billion tax cut.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
With the horses' asses we have in our herd everything takes forever.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"The waste will be put into concrete and sand. We will leave that at UNSCOM headquarters because after the waste has been heated with concrete and sand, it becomes completely harmless."
Prakash Shah of the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW) referring to the disposal of mustard gas and other toxins that UNSCOM left in Baghdad.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
The waste will be completely harmless to us since it will remain in Baghdad.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Let the word go forth: I walk around the house in my underwear. I'm sorry it had to come out this way."
Fox Entertainment president Doug Herzog, explaining the realism in the FOX's new sitcom Malcolm in the Middle.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I walk around the house in my wife's underwear.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"My show is just my job. I don't take it seriously."
Possible Ohio Senate candidate and TV talk show host Jerry Springer conceding that the sometimes violent, ribald "Jerry Springer Show" would be an issue if he runs for the Senate.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
Being senator would also be my job and I wouldn't take it seriously either.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I think she is the checkout person at the local market."
Janet Reno, Attorney General quoting a couple she overheard trying to think how they knew her.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
They actually thought I was the late singer Roy Orbison.
"There's bound to be trouble when you mix drinking, country music and dancing."
Danny Stanley, member of the Pound Town Council of Virginia after U.S. District Judge Glen Williams ruled that the town's dancing ban amounted to an unconstitutional restriction of free expression.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
There's bound to be fun when you mix drinking, country music and dancing and we don't want any fun or enjoyment in Pound, Virginia.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Irretrievably broken."
Description of former U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Newt Gingrich's marriage according to divorce documents filed with Cobb County Superior Court.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
My marriage and family values are irretrievably broken.
Copyright © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
THE ENGINEER DEFINED
by Oleg Vosicher
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
- Straighten it
- Ignore it
- CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron
The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing".
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
- Get it over with as soon as possible
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
- Things that need to be fixed
- Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
- Bill Gates
- MacGyver
- Etcetera
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
- "I won't change anything without asking you first."
- "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
- "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
- "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
- Hindenberg
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- SPANet (TM)
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Titanic
- Ford Pinto
- Chevrolet Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
- How smart they are.
- How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMINOLOGY
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional
Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs
Lazy: Motivationally deficient
Fat: Horizontally challenged
Fail: Achieve a deficiency
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented
Bald: Follicularly challenged
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled
Worst: Least best
Wrong: Differently logical
Ugly: Cosmetically different
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured
Short: Vertically challenged
Dead: Living impaired
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual
Spendthrift: Negative saver
Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed
Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor
HOW TO STAY STRESSED
STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit" anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen be offended, then return the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE BE MACHO
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...
...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
OBSERVATIONS FROM DENNIS MILLER
Dont sweat the petty things and Dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... Is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-thru bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE
[Thanks again to Sharon]
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
