THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 6, 1999
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
than the hunger for bread.
— Mother Teresa
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. —
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was all the money in the world for schools and the military had to have a fund-raiser to raise money for all their bombs? — Sue Hatrick
Beware of limbo dancers! — Graffiti written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down
A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad.
An optimist hopes so.
The wife wants to try the missionary position.
She on top, me in Africa.
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11. — Unknown
Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
(damn, I didn't know Dan Quayle had relatives in Alabama...)
————————————————————
I have a theory that all traffic lights are secretly synchronized — you just have to go fast enough. Testing this theory has lead me to develop a second theory: most police officers are NOT men of science. — Paul Wiley
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking. — John Gephart
Whoever said "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" has never driven a car there. — Lev Spiro
If Noah had two of everything on the Ark, then why in the hell didn't he slap those two mosquitoes when he had the chance? — Brandon Holloway
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Be kinder than necessary and people will become suspicious of you.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
HOW TO WIN FRIENDS... — "Who the fuck do you think you are?" — Psychologist Michael Brooks, author of the best seller "Instant Rapport", a how-to manual on relating to strangers, in a confrontation with a flight attendant that ultimately forced the plane's emergency landing (Newsweek, Aug. 2)
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--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC — Number of Americans seriously injured by their clothing every year? Answer: 150,000.
— Probably used jeans to hold up the car they were working under...
TAKE THAT YOU LOUSY, UNRELIABLE %#X!@! (Spring Hill,Tenn.) — A man was so incensed when his car died on him that he pulled out a military assault rifle and shot it, police say. The sight of the man firing the AK-47 at the empty car startled motorists. "I understand he unloaded three 30-round clips into the vehicle,'' Sheriff Enoch George said. Boyd Kelly, 39, told police he was angry at the 1988 Oldsmobile for quitting on him just after 10 p.m. Saturday. Kelly was charged with a weapons violation and freed
on $2,500 bond. (AP)
— I think I'll hire him to fix my computer...
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--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
A Texas company has been found guilty of illegally selling pesticides used to sanitize floors and silverware for use in disinfecting toothbrushes.
Kills plaque dead!
Beginning next spring, TBS will air a second cable television channel featuring 24 hours of cartoons.
Actually, the third — if you count C-SPAN.
According to a new study by the Council for Excellence in Government, more than half of Americans say they feel distant and disconnected from government.
The other half feel connected, but only through sexual relations with the President.
Bangladeshi police said Monday they've captured two monkeys trained to deliver drugs to addicts in the capital Dhaka.
The monkeys profess their innocence and blame it all on the "real primates".
The New York Times reported Carnival Cruise Lines has disclosed that its crew members were accused of sexual assault 62 times in a five-year span ending last summer or just about once per month.
The Perv Boat... exciting and new. Come on board... we'll be peeping you!
In Los Angeles, former "Diff'rent Strokes" star Gary Coleman was arrested for failing to pay $400 in fines for punching an autograph seeker.
The victim claims to have suffered serious mental, and kneecap-related damage.
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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING: (Los Angeles) — Sylvester Stallone is in early talks with MGM to write, direct and star in a sixth installment of the "Rocky" film franchise that propelled him to stardom, a studio spokesman said Wednesday
— In this version, Rocky takes on Bullwinkle
THE ANCIENT BIZARRE PAST: (Ancient Rome) — Emperor Nero was known for more than just fiddling around. How about comet prevention? When advisors told Nero that a comet was due to crash into the city, Nero decided to make a few sacrifices to the local angry gods... so he rounded up a few advisors to sacrifice. Rome was spared as the comet never hit the city. His sacrifice worked!
— Bizarre thinks we should get Gore and Bush to be the next advisors...
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
...the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
WOMEN ARE FROM BRAS, MEN ARE FROM PENUS:
The Definitive Survival Guide for Relationships in the next millennium
(Forget about relationships in this millennium!)
(This Week's Selected Excerpt is titled:
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
Let's face it. Relationships are hell. Sure there's a lot of lovey-dovey, kissy-facey, and touchy-feely, going on. But what about the real nitty gritty? What's the story with the opposite sex? That's what this book is all about. This book tells it like it is, giving you invaluable tips and insights into the bizarre, illogical, self-serving, self-absorbed, often deranged behavioral patterns of the opposite sex — which is, of course, what attracted us in the first place.
WHAT MEN AND WOMEN WILL LEARN FROM THIS BOOK:
Women will learn:
• Why a man needs to put down the remote and emote
• How to get a man to do what you want
• How to motivate a man by being a dominatrix
• How men go up and down like yo-yo's
• How to get a man to talk
• The best times to talk to a man
• How a man thinks he is scoring points with a woman
• How to wage war on a man
Men will learn:
• How to flatter the pants off a woman
• How to tell if a woman is getting her period
• How a woman thinks she is scoring points with a man
• How women go 'round and 'round in cycles
• How to talk to a woman without listening
• How to stop a woman from talking
• How to wage war on a woman
Men and women will learn:
• How men fix everything while women have men fixed.
• How women are sex objects while men are success objects
• How to reach out and touch yourself
• How to tell if you are having an argument
• How to dress for an argument
• How to write a Hate Letter
• How to write a Revenge Letter
• How to blame your partner for practically everything
NEXT WEEK: A Visit to Bras
THE TOP 6 SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE/SHE READS
6. Has enough stockpiled Y2K provisions to feed a small nation.
5. He's writing to Playboy's Miss July because they have the same interests.
4. Quotes George Will columns as reference material.
3. She once got caught in an infinite "lather, rinse, repeat" loop.
2. Throws a big barbecue every year to celebrate the notice that he may already be a winner.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Neighbor Believes Everything He/She Reads...
1. Votes Republican.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
LOVE STORY
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old days that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean... Jean... zere is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR MATE IS CHEATING ON YOU
16. Carpools with Divine Brown.
15. Motel 6 names him "Customer of the Year."
14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named "President Bill."
13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn't fooling anyone.
11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress' house.
10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
9. Models new lingerie, saying, "If you were my lover, would this turn you on?"
8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you're strictly an Old Spice man.
7. Asks you how you would feel about appearing on "Jenny Jones."
6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
5. The cat has that "I know something that you don't know" look.
4. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness.
3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
2. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Mate is Cheating on You...
1. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
CONSUMER'S REPORTS ON SELECTING A GIRLFRIEND
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
Well, it's been almost 25 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics — if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
| YOUR AGE | USED OR NEW |
| 1-12 years | (see Note A below) |
| 13-16 years | New |
| 17-21 years | Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years | Used heavily |
| 35-60 years | New (see Note B below) |
| 60+ | (see Note A below) |
NOTE A: Seek psychiatric help
NOTE B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced"
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CR advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("Dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CR rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better". Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-the-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CR questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
CATEGORY AND COMMENTS:
Goddess — This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law — This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate gray hairs.
Ms. Right — The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe — This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend — The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her — The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!
THE TOP 10 PENTAGON PROJECT ICE CREAM NAMES
10. A Thousand Points of Mint
9. Nukies & Cream
8. $800 Wrench Ripple
7. Taxation Sensation
6. Blowing S'Mocha
5. Taxpayer Crunched
4. Defense Contractors' Delight
3. Delicious Fictitious Budget Crunch
2. When-They-See-How-Much-We-Spent-The-Voters-Are-Gonna-Be-Pistachio
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pentagon Project Ice Cream Name...
1. Budget Fudge-It
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
[Thanks again to Ilmar]
• Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
• PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
• Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
• Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
• A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he was breathing.
• Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
• Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
• "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
• Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
• Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
• Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
• Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
• Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
• Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
• Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
• Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
• Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
• Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
• All toilet seats would be nailed down.
• Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
• TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
• All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
• During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
• Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
• After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
• For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
THE FACTS OF MARRIAGE FROM A MAN'S POINT OF VIEW
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
CORPORATE STRUCTURE
• Leaps tall building in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a locomotive
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
• Leaps short buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
• Walks on water if the sea is calm
• Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
• Leaps short buildings with a running starts and favorable winds.
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding BB
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
• Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
• Barely clears a quonset hut
• Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Swims well
• Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
• Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
• Is run over by locomotive
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Dog paddles
• Talks to animals
MANAGER:
• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
• Is not issued ammunition
• Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
• Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
• Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
• Says "look at the choo-choo"
• Wets him/herself with a water pistol
• Plays in mud puddles
• Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
• Lifts buildings and walks under them
• Kicks locomotives off the tracks
• Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
• Freezes water with a single glance
• Is God
THE TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
THE TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me...
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
TALES FROM THE INTERNET
There was a wicked computer who attacked her terribly every time she attempted to log on to a fun thing called the Internet. Sometimes she didn't have to do anything to it, simply turn it on to anger the computer and put it into a jelly like state, called freezing up.
This angered the girl very much, so she went to get some help for her wicked computer, from a strong magician called Tech Support. But he wouldn't even talk to her, just make her listen to bad music! But she kept on trying, and one day, she finally got through. She begged him for help, and he told her to do a couple things that he said would make her computer behave. But they didn't work! Perhaps Tech Support wasn't that strong of a magician after all. So she told him that they didn't work. And then the evil magician Tech Support realized that his fiendish scheme didn't work, and hung up on her!
She was outraged, so she killed the fiendish computer and moved to a hut in the middle of the woods without a mailing address and lived happily every after!
THE END
