July 30, 1999

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand


Beta testers who lie! Next time on Geraldo! Unknown

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. Unknown

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...
I said, "Let's go back to my place."
She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No... But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills. Unknown

When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? Unknown

Do you believe in love at first sight... or do I need to walk by again? Unknown

If a man speaks in a forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still lying? Unknown

One day I was slicing an apple when I accidentally cut off my husband's penis. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Anna Williams

Copyright 1999, Chris White


Learn to recognize the inconsequential from the consequential and then ignore them both.


Copyright 1999, Jim Rosenberg

Donald Trump says he may run for president.
He promises to usher in an era of blonder, thinner bimbos to the White House.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and his wife Marianne are living apart and attempting to negotiate a mutually acceptable divorce settlement, associates familiar with the situation said Monday.
The Speaker was unavailable for comment until after he returns from his "Family Values" speaking engagement.

A new French-themed hotel in Las Vegas features replicas of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe.
Room rates are substantially cheaper than competing hotels due to the money saved by not having showers.

The Sunday Times reports that the daughters of Prince Andrew and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson, will be asked to renounce their titles of princess when they turn 18.
They will, however, get a Buckingham Palace embossed mug and a home version of Royal Trivial Pursuit.

Republicans on Capitol Hill are demanding a review of funding for public broadcasting after learning that WGBH-TV in Boston gave a list of its donors to the Democrats. The issue came to light after a 4-year-old Barney fan started getting fundraising letters.
"I love you. You love me. It costs to win the Primary..."

For the first time, Harvard Law School will offer a course on *animal rights law*.
"If it barks and bites, it still has rights!"

[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]

There were 3 women waiting to be executed. A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution.

Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea... follow my lead."

So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

"OK then... we're set. Ready... aim...."

"Wild Animal!" the she yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!

The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

"OK then... we're set. Ready... aim...."

"TORNADO!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!

Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

"OK then... we're set. Ready... aim...."

"FIRE!" said the blonde!


Since the beginning of mankind, man has tried to pick up a woman. Pickup lines have changed with fashion and time. With this in mind we present Pickup Lines Throughout History.

"Ugg ugg, let me show you in my cave how I came up with the idea of us walking erect."

The desert outskirts of Egypt (Some time in the B.C.) On Moses' caravan:
"I've got wine, lip balm, and real marble rye bread back at my tent."

During the crucifixions:
"May I have the honour of nailing you before the Romans nail me?"

(1348) During the Black Plague:
"We'll be dead in a fortnight. Let us fornicate."

(1572) England:
"I would gladly be set in the pillory to bake in the sun and then stoned to death if it meant sharing in the rapture of thine devil's nest."

Early Scotland:
"How about a little assie, lassie?"

Old England:
"Thou art the prettiest wench in the Kingdom. I shall have my way with thou."

Old England:
"Thine key of thou chastity belt, a shilling I shall pay."

England at end of the 100 Years War:
"I can keep it up longer than this war."

Early 1800's, Hudson Bay fur trader:
"Madam, I have bagged many a beaver this year but it is your pelt I treasure most."

Virginia (1867):
"What say you we take our mounts to the hay loft and I show you my love musket."

During the Salem witch burnings:
"Only a witch would not let me have my with her. Prove to me you are not a witch."

Ellis Island at the turn of the century:
"How you say in English? Let us shtoop."

During prohibition:
"I'm looking for a piece of your action."

Germany (1942):
"I'm good friends with the Fuhrer. Would you care to return to my bungalow to see an early draft of his mass extermination plans?"

During the great Manitoba flood of 1997:
"After sand bagging come over to my house for a couple of Molsons, eh?"

During the great North Dakota flood of 1997:
"After sand bagging, it's Miller Time. Join me for a few and we'll yada yada yada."

Officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police:
"You are a beautiful little filly, come back to my place and I'll show you why they call us the Mounted Police."

White House (1996):
"Sure I'll leave my wife for you. Just do me this little favor and kiss my little buddy."

Copyright 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.

[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page
and Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (And yet, there's that pig thing...)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmm...)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left-handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home... What the... ?!?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of... ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a
pig quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

After reading all these, all I can say is, "Damn Pigs!"


12. I.V. bottle deposit in OR, VT, and MA: $3

11. Bill preparation and printing: $30

10. Polysylabbic Obfuscation Redisintermediation: $275

9. Three-second smirk from George Clooney: $8000

8. Bedpan Refrigeration: $48.00

7. Unspecified Aroma: $83

6. Upgrade to hourly sponge baths: $197/day

5. Wheelchair Damage Collision Insurance: $39.25

4. Surgeon's Daughter's Preparatory School Tuition, Kaplan SAT Course, and DKNY Wardrobe Surcharge: $2500

3. Psychologist's fees for nursing staff after you put your gown on backwards and went "visiting": $400

2. Donation to the Fund to Rehire Mandy Patinkin: $3000

     and's Number 1 Hidden Hospital Bill Charge...

1. Lost forceps: $35.00
Knowing where the surgeon lost the forceps: Priceless

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]

3050 B.C. -- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C. Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C. -- Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. -- The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C. --The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C. The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C. Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D. Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432 St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000 Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043 Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125 Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433 Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456 An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492 Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1497 Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself... the United States of Vespuccia!

1508 Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513 Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522 Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568 Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607 The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618 Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642 Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670 The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755 Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1758 New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.

1763 The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770 The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773 Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

1776 Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779 John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

1793 "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799 Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805 Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1815 Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840 William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850 Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859 Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1865 Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1894 Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903 The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910 The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1911 Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

1912 People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1920 The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

1924 Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

1928 Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930 Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

1933 German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.

1933 Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934 John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934 As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938 Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.

1944 Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

1945-1999 Very boring... US invades Grenada, Panama, Iraq, Kosovo... Microsoft, Monica, Diet Coke, Hula Hoop, International House of Pancakes, Moonies. Moon Landing, Moon Pies, War on Drugs and Sex, Nixon, Carter, Johnson, Gerald Somebody, Clinton, Disney World, Y2K, then year 2000 the world ends, or The Force will save the whales.

(Yet more proof cat owners are closet masochists...)
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

Set all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons!"

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy."

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs.
the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and
scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

[Thanks again to John]

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."


Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"

"Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly.... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."


The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes," he replied.

"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."


The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[Thanks again to Sharon]

You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

The sun is too loud.

Trees begin to chase you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things become "Very Clear."

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You can travel without moving.

Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

[Thanks again to Ilmar]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone "to relax," I told myself but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

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