THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 23, 1999
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.
— John F. Kennedy
Some men see things as they are and say why?
I dream things that never were and say why not?
— Robert Kennedy
There is no end.
There is no beginning.
There is only the infinite passion of life.
— Federico Fellini
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation of yourself for the express purpose of obtaining sex.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
If men ruled the world, they'd probably have sex every day. Maybe even 2 or 3 times a day. Therefore, we can safely conclude that MEN DON'T RULE THE WORLD! (omg — I think I may be a man!!!!)
"There ought to be limits to freedom." — George W. Bush (Visit the George W. Bush Presidential Exploratory Site — a satirical political site)
Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, and the cooks are English. — Unknown
Fashion is something so ugly we have to change it every year. — Oscar Wilde
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry
Bartender, I'd like whatever the man on the floor was drinking. — Unknown
When I'm feeling down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet. — Unknown
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Isn't it self-defeating to ask for help in finding the self-help section of a bookstore? — Amy L. Bartomioli
The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open. — Bob Johnson
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things — not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters. — Margarte Halsey
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC — Chances of fertile, healthy couples of child bearing age getting pregnant: 97%.
BENT STATISTIC, PART II — Percentage of fertile, married couples who do not want a child using no method of birth control: 8%.
— Probably not Mensa members...
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--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Unfortunately, and typically, a man in Houston will still have the remote control.
Fifteen years ago on this month, Geraldine Ferraro became the first woman to be nominated for vice president by a major political party.
We now know that if she'd accepted by ripping her shirt off to reveal a sports bra, the world would be hers.
Sex will not only make you healthier, happier and wiser but it can also help prevent headaches, a German women's magazine reported Tuesday.
This directly contradicts the findings of the American Society of Husbands which found that sex causes headaches.
Johnson & Johnson, the world leader in the oral contraceptives market, is in the final stages of testing a contraceptive patch for women that is effective for a week.
It will be marketed as "Madonna-strength".
Congress approved a cost-of-living pay raise for itself of more than $4,600.
That's $9,200 when you factor in the automatic NRA matching funds.
Russia said Monday the aging Mir space station could crash to earth next year unless Kazakhstan allows the launch by Sunday of a resupply ship carrying it a vital navigation system.
Right now, the Mir is operated on an outdated Nintendo 32 system with a single joystick.
French travel firm Accor said Monday it had agreed to buy U.S. economy lodging chain Red Roof Inns.
In other news, Red Roof Inns announced its new slogan: "Get to sleep and do not bother us, you boorish pigs!"
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--== SKEWPOINT — BREAKING NEWS BEYOND REPAIR ==--
Copyright © 1999, Bob Hirschfeld
MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES — Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its monopolistic control over error messages.
EBAY TO AUCTION OFF ITS OWN UNRELIABLE WEB SERVER — The online auction site Ebay put its own web site computer server up for auction after it repeatedly crashed and denied millions of its members from bidding on items ranging from Chia Pets to stolen US. Military Surface to Air Missiles. The server, which eBay purchased two years ago from America Online after they upgraded operations to handle more than 36 users simultaneously, has been giving the popular auction site problems over the past month that has resulted in numerous outages. "We're selling that piece of crap and getting a new server with the proceeds," said eBay operations manager Bud Hawkins. When asked how people will be able to place their bids until the new server is purchased, he replied, "Ask the owners, they're the ones who've put me in this #&*(! position. That is, if you can find them. Every time something goes wrong those money bag weasels disappear."
GEORGE W. BUSH STALKS POWERBALL WINNER FOR CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION — Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush has been stalking a Minnesota woman who won $78 million in the Powerball lottery. Farrah Slad of Brainerd in central Minnesota said that since she won the hefty jackpot, Bush has been hounding her first by phone and now in person to contribute a substantial portion of her winnings to his campaign. "He's relentless and creepy and shows no sense of decency. It's as if he's obsessed with grabbing as much money as he can for his damn campaign," she said in a frightened tone from an undisclosed location. Though campaign finance limits an individual's contribution to $1000, Bush reportedly is trying to get Ms. Slad to contribute to an affiliated committee that accepts unlimited amounts of the unregulated soft money. A press spokesman for Bush denied that the Texas governor has been harassing the lottery winner. "He may have spoken with her a few times about how she could be instrumental in putting a compassionate conservative into the White House but I wouldn't characterize it as any more pressure than the governor has put on other potential donors," he said.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
DEEP THOUGHTS
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
What is it?
A last name... you pervert.
THE TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A SEX CHANGE FOR A DAY
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
THE TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A SEX CHANGE FOR A DAY
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get oral sex.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
CAT COMMENTARY
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." — Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." — Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." — Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." — English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." — Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." — Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." — Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." — Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." — Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." — Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." — Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." — Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." — Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." — Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." — Unknown
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." — Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." — Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." — Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." — Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." — Unknown
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." — Unknown
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." — Unknown
SIGNS YOU ARE AT A BAD WEDDING
• It is live over the Internet and all the guests are at home.
• The bride and groom are of same sex and different species.
• A brawl breaks out during the ceremony.
• Nonalcoholic wedding.
• You are the only one seated at your table that speaks English.
• The bride was the stripper that worked your bachelor party.
• The ceremony takes place at a nudist camp and everyone does the chicken dance naked.
• The wedding is on a boat and everyone is given an oar to help paddle.
• The 'toast' is done with a bottle of ripple.
• The minister has been recently paroled.
• There is gunfire and you left your revolver at home.
• When the minister asks, "If anyone objects to this couple getting married, speak up now or forever hold your piece," and everyone speaks up.
• At the reception there is a cover charge and a 2 drink minimum and none of the women are naked.
• During the ceremony the groom's drunken father shouts at the bride, "Show us your tits."
• The bride and groom dance and sing along to their favorite song, Dust In The Wind.
• It's catered by Subway.
Copyright © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
KID STUFF
Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."
A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."
A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."
In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.
After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"
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T.J.'s son was about four the day he got home from Sunday School. "I asked him what he'd learned that day. He was quiet for a moment and then said, 'Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?'"
His wife cracked up and T.J. told him the term was "circumcised" — but the answer was still "yes".
WHAT THEY SAID... AND WHAT THEY MEANT
WHAT THEY SAID:
"There ought to be limits to freedom." — Republican presidential candidate and Texas Gov. George W. Bush responding to a parody site poking fun at him and his campaign web site.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
People should only be allowed to make fun of Bill Clinton not George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"You watch Pat Verbeek play, he turns his stick over every time, and it's a two-hand swing...Is that an intent to hurt one of our guys? It's darn close." — Buffalo Sabres coach Lindy Ruff on Dallas Stars' player Pat Verbeek.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I wish he played for us.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I am sorry for exercising bad judgment and can assure everyone this will never happen again." — Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's wife Columba after she was fined by customs officials for failing to declare $19,000 in clothing and jewelry she bought during a trip to Paris.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I didn't think customs officials would check a Governor's wife. Next time I will hide it better.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"The Democrats chose today to play politics, and to say no to everything." — Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas commenting after the House of Representatives rejected a watered-down gun control bill.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
The Democrats are learning from us Republicans how politics works.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"A bill I helped draft." — GOP presidential candidate Gary Bauer on the legislative amendment passed by the House allowing the posting of the Ten Commandments in schools.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I helped draft the Ten Commandments.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"We should let the independent counsel law expire. We should give it a decent burial. We should let the Constitution be our guide." — Sen. Fred Thompson R-Tenn
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I sure as hell don't want it around when I am President.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"That clearly shows that you don't have to have a big brain to be brilliant." — Dr. Sandra Witelson explaining that the weight and overall size of Albert Einstein's preserved brain fall within the normal range.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
Size doesn't matter...at least with brains.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Old guys can still do stuff, and you might as well go for it...I feel like a spring colt." — Former president George Bush, after skydiving to mark his 75th birthday.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I may be old but I don't have any erectile dysfunction and advertise Viagra like some people I know who's wife is running for president.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Tommy has been fixed actually. He has been neutered or spayed. What do you call it?" — Pamela Anderson Lee, TV star, asked whether she is pregnant by her on-again, off-again spouse Tommy Lee.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
Tommy has been spayed, declawed, house trained, given a flea bath and my rash has finally begun to clear up.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I have received a few hundred in the mail... I've given them to all my grandchildren, and I deeply appreciate it" — The Rev. Jerry Falwell, on Tinky Winky, a toy that his organization's newsletter said was gay.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
My grandchildren are now all gay and I've been playing with Tinky Winky myself and now find myself extremely attracted to Jim Nabors. SHAZAM!
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I see people passed out and I don't even think about it. But I wouldn't expect anybody to come on the train and die." — Sean Grant, on learning that a passenger who appeared to be sleeping had actually died on a New York City subway.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
If I knew he was dead I would've lifted his wallet.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"We are constrained to conclude that student-on-student sexual harassment, if sufficiently severe, can likewise rise to the level of discrimination actionable under the statute." — Sandra Day O'Conner, Supreme Court Justice, ruling that schools can be sued if they allow sexual harassment among students.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
If Clarence Thomas puts one more pubic hair on my glass of Coke I'm suing his black ass.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"It doesn't take a lot of talent to get shot down." — Arizona Sen. John McCain, former naval aviator, Vietnam POW whose plane was shot down on being called a war hero.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
When I was single I got shot down a lot.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"Prosperity with a purpose." — George W. Bush during a campaign swing in South Carolina.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
If elected, my purpose will be to increase my prosperity.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"What he did was inexcusable, and particularly as a father, I felt that it was terribly wrong, obviously." — Vice President Al Gore, on President Clinton's extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
As a father I would never leave my daughters in the same room with that S.O.B. By the way, has anyone seen my daughters or Tipper recently?
Copyright © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
A FEW POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKES
[Thanks again to John]
A: A different bar.
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Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
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Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
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Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
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Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo"
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Q: What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
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Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "fuck"?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
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Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
MORE FROM "THE JOYS OF MARRIED SEX"
Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort (like watching more football?). She advises her to cook her man his favorite meal and then send him drinking down to the pub with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs.
This excites the woman immensely as her husband has never been this erotic before.
She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no... maybe the lads are right. A beard wouldn't suit me."
THE TALKING CLOCK
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch!" the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with
the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM in the morning!"
REASONABLE AND CUSTOMARY ADMISSION PROCEDURES
[Thanks again to Sharon]
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."
LITTLE KNOWN ANIMAL FACTS
• A cat's jaws cannot move sideways. However with the help of a sledgehammer it can move in all directions.
• Pigs, walruses and light colored horses can be sunburned. That's why it is important to put sunblock with SPF of 15 or higher on your pig, walrus or light colored horse whenever they go outside.
• A young wombat will climb into its mother's pouch. The female wombat has a backward opening pouch, this is to keep dirt from getting inside the pouch. The wombat has a large skull with about 20 to 25 bones in it. This is to prevent damage to young ones that may fall on their heads from a backward opening pouch
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. A goldfish that uses a contraceptive is called smart.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. It was recorded by a Colonel Sanders in Kentucky.
• The world's termites outweigh the world's humans by 10 to 1. Fortunately for humans termites do not know how to throw their weight around.
• Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year and it doesn't cost them a cent.
• The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court of law. But only after the bloodhound raises its right paw and swears to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
• Millie, the Bush family dog, earned more money in 1991 than President George Bush. Millie was also more popular and if she would've ran against Bill Clinton she would've won.
• The duckbilled platypus is the only venomous mammal in the world, unless of course you include the sourpuss, commonly known as an ex-wife.
• 99% of all life forms known to exist on Earth are now extinct. If we try REAL hard 100% is possible.
• The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees. The female elephant is the only animal that requires 2 sets of kneepads.
• Cats have 5 toes on their forefeet and 4 toes on their hind feet proving that there are some people who have a lot of time on their hands.
• Pollsters say that about 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. Half of whom have pictures of their pets in compromising positions.
• Neutering a cat extends its life span by 2 to 3 years, although not necessarily 2 to 3 happy years.
• Americans spend more on dog food each year than they spend on baby food. This is because they like their dogs more than their babies.
• Scientists still do not know how cats purr. Neither do cats.
• The first commercial dog food on the market was Spratt's Patent Meal Fibrine Dog Cakes, introduced in Great Britain in 1870. Today it is sold as Spam.
Copyright © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
THE TOP 15 FRINGE BENEFITS OF BEING A COG IN THE CORPORATE MACHINE
15. The warm glow of knowing that your years of dedication to the company have given you the opportunity to earn overtime as a valet at the CEO's fund raiser for George W. Bush.
14. Lack of a single "boss" figure makes for plenty of potential targets when you finally snap.
13. Even if union power keep slipping, SPCA rules still apply.
12. Years of calculating minuscule raises have radically sharpened the math skills.
11. You've gotten so good at pretending to be busy that you're considering a run for public office.
10. Through your employee pension plan stock options, you now own .00000000000000001% of a congressman!
9. If you're not stoked over the executives' all-expense paid Bermuda vacation, you're just not grasping the concept of "trickle-down morale."
8. Being addressed by name and personally recognized for your accomplishments is for sissies.
7. Important brain-space is freed up for concentrating on football stats and "Baywatch" re-runs.
6. Six 16-hour days of programming always followed by a conjugal visit.
5. The never-ending amusement of seeing how many times you can work the phrase 'cwazy wabbit' into corporate documents without it being noticed.
4. Your company's HMO has now taken penicillin off the experimental drug list.
3. Road to Hell seems much more pleasant when riding in a new Lexus SUV.
2. Comforting realization that the CEO's wallet is so fat, you're not *actually* kissing his ass.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Fringe Benefit of Being a Cog in the Corporate Machine...
1. A paycheck *and* a chance to pee in a cup!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE SANDALS
[Thanks again to John]
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years — raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
