THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 16, 1999
In the hospital they told us that pain is something you
experience and then put behind you. I disagree, I think
you hold everything, pain and pleasure, in your heart,
and that memory only deepens the next experience.
— Unknown Author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. — Chinese Proverb
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness
Committee — a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours." — M. Berle
A Cuban was in a Miami classroom reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book. "Teacher ?" asked the little girl, "Please, does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No, my child," sighed the teacher. "But it should... it should."
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The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
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At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them with AOL accounts now??? — Unknown
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
I'M, LIKE OUTTA HERE! (Sydney) — The Warrawong shopping center, in southern New South Wales had a problem — all the kids from the Warrawong High school hung out there after school. The shopping center then began playing loud Bing Crosby music. They started playing his 1938 hit My Heart is Taking Lessons repeatedly at the entrance to the mall. The center also started using pink fluorescent lights that highlight pimples. "All the people from Warrawong High used to hang here after school — now you don't see any of them," 14-year-old Matthew Wilson. (Reuters)
BENT POLL — 1,008 Americans were asked which television families they would like to model their own family after. The answers: 1. Cosby; 2. 7th Heaven; 3. Home Improvement; and 4. The Waltons. They were then asked which TV family most resembled their own and "The Simpsons" came in third.
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--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
By ordering before the end of the month, the State received absolutely free of charge — a new Electric Ottoman!
You can play the Interactive Electric Chair game yourself by clicking here:
Deathrow Online — Select Sentenced
A high-level federal government commission has concluded that the United States is ill-prepared to combat the growing threat of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons proliferation, the Baltimore Sun reported Thursday.
Plans are underway for a worldwide "Just Say No To Thermonuclear and Biological Weapons!" education campaign.
Statistics show the number of Americans getting married has dropped to a 40 year low.
However, if you factor out the impact of Larry King's monogamy, the trend is actually up.
President Bill Clinton on Wednesday becomes the first sitting chief executive since President Franklin D. Roosevelt to visit Indian country, touring the Pine Ridge Reservation for a visit with the Oglala Sioux nation.
There, he was given the honorary Indian name "Cheats with Interns".
In Hamilton, Ohio, youngster John Riley and Billy Grimes were rescued this week after being trapped in a boxcar near the Miller Brewing Company. With no food or water, they survived on only beer for eight days.
Ohio State University granted the boys six hours of credit for the experience as a "college preparatory course."
A Spring Hill, TN man who was made at his car, took out an AK-47 and fired round after round into the disabled 1988 Cutlass.
Guns don't kill Oldsmobiles. People kill Oldsmobiles.
Fourteen UCLA football players were charged with illegally obtaining handicapped parking placards so they could avoid paying parking fees.
Regardless of their mental age, Prosecutors plan to try them as adults.
Marie Osmond has given birth to her seventh child.
At the present time, Darwinian scientists have no explanation for the phenomenon.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Deborah]
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
THE SECRET SOURCE CODE TO WINDOWS 98
/* Source Code to Windows 98 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Corel_Products();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
AHHH, MAGIC!!!
[Thanks again to John]
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes...."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes — that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...
The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..."
So, poof! — she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you..."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...."
So, poof!! — she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."
THE TOP 20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
(Translation: I sit looking at this damn computer screen all day long, day in and day out, week after week, and think, "Man, if I could just find the 'on' switch...")
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
RESEARCH ON THE HUMAN PENIS
The University of Texas spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Texas A&M University spent $3.95 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.
COLUMBA BUSH'S TO-DO LIST
• Make public apology by saying, "Read my lips, no more shopping."
• Buy lottery tickets
• Deny being an elitist
• Prove I'm a compassionate conservative by giving my old clothes to those poor, filthy Democrat peasants
• Noon tea with Imelda Marcos and Leona Helmsley
• Ask Jeb why he wants me to go skydiving with his father
• Have Jeb massage and kiss buttocks
Copyright © 1999, COMEDYZINE, INC.
MORE KID'S VIEWS ON LOVE
WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.." — Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." — Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." — John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." — Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." — Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." — Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." — Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." — Greg, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." — Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." — John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." — Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish... but I still might try it sometime." — Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place... We were behind a tree." — Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." — Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." — Regina, age 10
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." — Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." — Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." — Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." — Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." — Bart, age 9
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." — Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." — Dick, age 7
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." — Gina, age 8
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." — Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." — Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." — Carin, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." — Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." — Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." — Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." — Dick, age 7
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." — Dave, age 8
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." — Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food." — Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." — Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." — Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are — on fire." — Christine, age 9
KIDS ON MARRIAGE
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" — Eric, 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." — Anita, 9
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." — Kally, 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind ... That's what I'll do ... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." — Carolyn, 8
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE AT WHICH TO GET MARRIED
"Eighty-four, Because at that, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." — Carolyn, 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" — Bert, 5
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." — Lottie, 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." — Jeremy, 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." — Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." — Craig, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." — Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." — Kally, 9
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" — Kirsten, 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" — Anita, 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." — Will, 7
TOASTER "LOGIC"
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters:
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters:
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters:
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters:
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters:
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Cray made toasters:
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If SGI made toasters:
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye to wheat and add whatever kind of spread you could imagine, and it would slyly imply credit for making the loaf of bread in the first place.
If Sony made toasters:
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Microsoft made toasters:
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
ADVICE FOR YANKEES MOVING SOUTH
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
THE LUCKY CHARMS LOVE TEST
Don't cheat! Before you read on... choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below...
Pink hearts
Yellow moons
Orange stars
Green clovers
Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes
Those little oat bits
OK, have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!
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BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.
PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes — she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?
YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.
Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
