THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 9, 1999
If you love someone,
Set them free.
If they come back home,
Set them on fire.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped. Unknown
Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness. Unknown
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding. Unknown
Our eyes met, and the ground lurched beneath my feet and bells rang out. "My God!", I thought, "I've finally found her!!!" Then I remembered we were in an elevator. Charlie Acord & Melinda Dalehite
I think that beauty pageants should have a "Miss Promiscuity" award, to reward the girl who sleeps with the most judges. Erin Hardee
She became skeptical of his claim to be a Jedi Knight when he offered to show her his Darth Johnson. James Knowles
I think a good name for a horror movie would be, "The Bitchening." I'm not sure what the monster would look like, but I bet it would act a lot like my ex-wife. Wes Nessmann
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
IT'S OFFICIAL HE SUCKS: "Newt Gingrich Named Hoover Fellow" AP headline
BENT QUOTE "Women will be proud to watch and young girls between the ages of nine and 15 will be proud to come to matches and watch the women as role models," promoter and producer David McLane, talking of a new pay-per-view U.S. television show "Women in Wrestling" (WOW), featuring young women. The show features scantily clad women with names like Beckie "The Farmer's Daughter," Summer of "The Beach Patrol" and the "Femme Fatale".
... Proud might not be the word
PLEASE, NOT THE MEAT CLEAVER! (Grafton, Ohio) Mr. Michetti enjoyed chatting online and stayed up until 4:00 a.m for several days in a row. Unfortunately his wife, Kelli Michetti, 29, tired of her husband's chatting with women and grew so upset that she hacked the computer terminal with a meat cleaver. Mrs. Michetti, first tried to cut the power on the computer and then attacked it as her husband fended her off early Sunday, deputies said. Mrs. Michetti pleaded no contest Monday to domestic violence and resisting arrest charges and was fined $200.
She shouldn't have bothered, the 'women' are most often lonely guys named 'Butch' from Sandusky, Ohio using fake ID's.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
David Berkowitz, the "Son of Sam" serial killer, says he is saddened by the upcoming release of Spike Lee's movie based on his 1977 murder spree.
Berkowitz hinted he might sue Lee with a lawyer provided by the National Association for the Advancement of Serial Killers.
America Online will invest $1.5 billion in DirecTV creator Hughes Electronics Corp.
AOL is working to develop the first-ever television's busy signal.
The Supreme Court Monday agreed to decide whether a federal law intended to shield children from sex-oriented cable TV networks violates free-speech rights.
Justice Thomas indicated the review process "might take many, many months".
Forbes magazine has issued its annual ranking of the world's billionaires, and once again topping the list is Microsoft founder Bill Gates.
Publisher Steve Forbes introduces the feature under the headline "From One Rich Power-Hungry Dork To Another".
Delta Airlines has formed an international marketing alliance with Air France.
... we love to fly, now LEAVE US ALONE you awful boorish Yankee pigs!
Mr. Monologue Pick 'Em: pick the best George W. Bush campaign slogan:
(_)"The other white Bush"
(_)"These boots were made for governing"
(_)"Your idea here"
(_)"20/20 Vision Thing"
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes...
Two minutes pass...
Seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
THE TOP 12 SIGNS JERRY FALWELL'S
SUMMER DEMONIZING TOUR HAS BEGUN
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Top5's good friend, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, is at it again. This time, the target of his wrath is not a pre-school TV character, but none other than the Lilith Fair, a concert tour that features women performers and that the good Reverend claims is named after and celebrates a demon.
12. Begins giving surreal speeches in which Marilyn Manson and Teletubby Tinky Winky are mentioned in the same sentences.
11. Tells children, "Just because he's from Tasmania, doesn't make him any less a devil."
10. Sends a congratulatory wire to bud Pat Robertson for somehow managing to piss off the entire nation of Scotland.
9. Joins Oral Roberts, Jim Bakker, and Ernest Ainsley on the 46-city "Monsters Of Piousness" tour.
8. For no apparent reason, damns everyone in line at Mr. Softee ice cream truck.
7. Now there are two labels to look for on your tuna: "Dolphin-safe" and "Satan-free."
6. Passes out firewood and matches at Lilith Fair concert in Salem, Massachusetts.
5. Boycotts the New York Times for its "the _____ mightier than the sword" crossword clue.
4. Just had his sphincter re-calibrated for maximum retention.
3. Has begun the agonizing task of listening to all of Jewel's songs backwards.
2. Burger King now offering a Hellfire and Brimstone Family Meal for $6.66 just to get some free publicity.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Jerry Falwell's Summer Demonizing Has Begun...
1. Jar Jar? Gay gay!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
PROFESSOR'S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, what? I'm not familiar with that term.
GOT MILK???A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter.
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
BECAUSE I'M A GUY... Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you
do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
YOUR "STAR WARS" NAMEIf you want to know your Star Wars name, just answer these three easy questions:
First: what are the first three letters of your given name?
Second: what model car do you drive? If you don't have a car, a bike will do. Or a scooter.
Third: what is the last prescription drug you have taken?
The first three letters of your given name become your Star Wars first name. Therefore, 'Joseph' becomes Jos, 'Kevin' becomes Kev, 'Sandra' becomes San, 'Khalid' becomes Kha, and 'Gordon' becomes Gor. You get the picture...
Next, your car model becomes your Star Wars last name. So if William drives an Accura, he becomes Wil Accura. If Jeffrey drives a Civic, he becomes Jef Civic. Again, you get the picture...
Finally, the last prescription drug you've taken becomes your place of origin. If there's a
number in it, then it's a planet... no number, and it's a star system.
Therefore my Star Wars name is "Vic Tercel of Generic" (my apologies to those of you from Viagra or Monistat7 see below)
YOUR ALTERNATIVE "STAR WARS" NAME
YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
1. First 3 letters of your last name
2. First 2 letters of your first name
3. First 2 letters of your Moms maiden name
4. First 3 letters of the city you were born
In which case I am the mighty warrior, er... I mean Goddess "TonVi-AlDal"...
THE BEST LIES TO INCLUDE IN COMPANY FORMS
US Navy, Annual Physicals, "Have you ever had..." questionaire. #55 Have you ever had memory loss... Yes/No/Don't Know. I always checked Don't Know and I still don't know.
Turned in an expense report for "booze and loose women". They just laughed and never questioned it.
I wasn't lying!
Personal Review: Are you happy with your job? Yes.
Do I want to keep my job????
This is a confidential survey... pay no attention to the serial number we neatly hid at the top of the first page
I have never signed my name on a requisition form. I always sign a president's name, and I have never been questioned. Maybe they don't notice, and maybe they are just dense.
John Quincy Adams, aka George Bush, aka JFK...
On application, under Reason for Leaving Last Job: "They wouldn't let me do what the voices told me to."
I am goal oriented and have a "can do" attitude.
Under "In case of emergency please call ______ ", I put Brad Pitt. I figured he'd be more likely to make me feel better than a relative would.
On the internet/email sign-up form you have to "swear" to use the internet/email for company business. i was laughing so hard i almost had an accident!
On our timeslips, we have to give reasons for sick days. "Mongolian Death Flu" and "punctured lung" are our department's favorites.
'Home telephone number' in fact the office fax (none of the induhviduals here even notice). Let's see ya try and disturb my evening at home, ya morons!
Publishing would not supply scrap papers for Customer Service as we are a "paperless office." Signed PHB's name and asked for backstocks of old letterhead to recycle as foot rests & monitor height adjusters. Box came. Great scrap paper!
Dilbert©1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
Charles so loved his wife that he had her name tattooed to his manhood. When aroused, it said, "Wendy", when not, it said simply "WY". While on vacation at a nude beach in Jamaica, he stood at a bar in the sand. He noticed that a local standing next to him had "WY" tattooed in the same area of his anatomy. Thinking this an incredible coincidence, Charles asked, "Excuse me, would that happen to say "Wendy"? "No." Replied the local. "It says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, 'ave a nice day."
THE TOP 15 INTERNET COMMANDMENTS
15. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.
14. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***
13. Thou shalt visit www.topfive.com daily and keep it holy. And God says to click on the friggin' ad banners.
12. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, even if he is a flaming Hitler.
11. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.
10. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.
9. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.
8. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!
7. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.
6. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.
5. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click "Reply to all."
4. Thou shalt never refuse the online sexual advances of a Top 5 List contributor.
3. Thou shall not call thyself "Richard P. Smith" online when "Chesty LaRue" sounds so much better.
2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Internet Commandment...
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
EXCITING CAREER OPPORTUNITIES IN THE NEW MEDIAAs a freelance Guru of the Information Age (constantly rubbing elbows with the horn-rimmed, hipper-than-thou denizens of Silicon Alley) young people are always asking me, what jobs are out there in this exciting new field?
[Thanks again to Ilmar]
Well, the "traditional" careers on the internet (Conspiracy Theorist, Corporate Propagandist, Pornographer) are fast being outpaced by those so new that job titles must be invented for them, often using metaphors from "actual reality." Examples are I kid you not Web Archaeologist (reconstructing old sites), Information Architect (organizing the structure of links and click-downs in a site) and my personal favourite Taxonomist (classifying sites for search engines). But even these are by now "establishment" careers, having been around for six months or more; if you accept one, be prepared to be called "Gramps" by your colleagues.
For those who prefer to be on the cutting edge of the curve, here exclusively from MeMail.com is the definitive, up-to-the-minute list (as of upload time) of career opportunities in New Media, each with a brief description. One of them may be right for YOU:
Web Entomologist: Tracking and classifying bugs across the web.
Internet Seismologist: Measuring and predicting "seismic" disturbances online (such as a stampede of visitors to victoriassecret.com).
Biblio-Engineer: Stacking books at amazon.com.
Virtual Feng Shui Master: Rearranging the elements of clients' websites to help them achieve harmony, balance and inner peace.
Hypercontextualist: Helping users to locate themselves in non-linear environments.
Counterintuitivist: Taking simple and obvious navigational pathways through a site and rendering them complex and obscure.
Contentment Provider: Supplying bouncy music and flashy graphics to distract users from the fact that surfing is a solitary, soul-crushing activity.
Chatroom Anthropologist: Studying the evolving social behaviour of online communication amongst anonymous strangers, in an attempt to answer the fundamental question of why anyone would bother.
Digital Cosmologist: Exploring the farthest edges of the virtual universe (websites frozen in time, circa 1997) in order to understand its rate of expansion, age and origins (including the controversial Al-Gore-as-Prime-Mover theory).
Quantum Mechanic: Studying the inherent uncertainty of predicting the pathway a visitor will travel through virtual space.
Site Deconstructionist: Analyzing digital communication and the "postmodem condition," in order to de-link and de-program logo(n)centric categories and problematize reified boundaries between site/nonsite and on/offline.
Redmondologist: Discerning the internal politics at Microsoft purges, expansion plots through the interpretation of cryptic outward signs (reading "Slate" between the lines, noting who is sitting closest to the CEO at the Redmond Square parade, etc.).
Digital Neologist: Inventing cool-sounding words for job titles in the information age. No experience or special skills required.
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU LIVE TOO CLOSE TO THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
13. Your breast implants and your husband Tommy Lee have mysteriously disappeared.
12. Every time you go out for groceries, the tearful goodbyes last an hour.
11. Local kids' favorite pastime: throwing paper airplanes into infinity.
10. Satellite dish pointed up: 600 channel reception
Satellite dish pointed down: 600 galaxy reception
9. Every few days you have to skim the vintage aircraft out of your pool.
8. Mulder and Sculley come knocking more often that Jehovah's Witnesses.
7. Jesse Helms almost makes sense.
6. 200-year-old ship captains always stopping by to borrow your gas grill.
5. Amelia Earhart appears at your door and hands you a bag full of your missing socks.
4. Constantly freaking out guests by reaching into the fridge and pulling out a beer from 1912.
3. Your pants keep disappearing, and you're not the President.
2. It's 4:00 am and your wife actually believes you were abducted by aliens and forced to drink too much liquor and bring home a prostitute.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You Live Too Close to the Bermuda Triangle...
1. The funniest parts of your Top5 submissions seem to mysteriously va
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White