THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 2, 1999
Today's subliminal thought is:
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"Stop quoting me, you blubbering twit!" Confucius
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Forbes had not known until an aide recently pointed it out to him that U.S. currency came in denominations smaller than a $100.
The Reverend Jerry Falwell's newspaper, which previously claimed that a popular "Teletubbies'' character is a gay role model, now asserts that the all-female Lilith Fair concert tour is named for a demon.
Concert promoters admit the namesake's demonic behavior, but only during *that time of the month*.
An intelligence official says exiled Saudi dissident Osama bin Laden may be close to conducting a "terrorist attack" on another U.S. embassy or agency.
Quick! Someone send him *our* maps it's our only hope!
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A young blonde woman went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
WHAT I'VE LEARNED...
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations
and Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge breasts.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life that counts but how much you have in your bank accounts.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the fucked-up and the missing one will be there for "you".
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say, "Fuck them if they cant take a joke!" in 6 languages.
RESUMANIA
"I am a rabid typist."
(And a maniac with numbers, no doubt.)
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
(If she insists ...)
"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."
(In the front office of a kennel, right?)
"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
(Does she take requests?)
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
(Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?)
"I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated."
(But how fast is he on his own two feet?)
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
(Did she minor in ear piercing?)
"Please disregard the attached resume it is terribly out of date."
(Okay next!)
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
(Doesn't sound like the kind of experience most employers are looking for.)
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and as loyal as a puppy."
(And no doubt housebroken by now.)
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
(Must have been a tough curriculum.)
"Cover Letter: Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
(Hey, let's not get personal.)
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
(Step aside, Big Blue.)
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
(Now that's planning ahead.)
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
(Another argument for decaffeinated coffee in the workplace.)
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
(Good luck!)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
(It's Gumby!)
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
(Ouch!)
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
(It's refreshing to see this kind of stability.)
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
(But can he do payroll with one hand tied behind his back?)
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem...)
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
(At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.)
"The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
(The "teaser" approach to interviewing.)
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
(Thanks for the clarification.)
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
(At last, an alternative to nuclear power!)
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30."
(But can he recite the questions?)
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
(Thanks for the warning.)
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
(Now that's dedication.)
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
(You may be barking up the wrong tree.)
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' and I like your company in particular."
(That's confidence.)
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
(Did she forget something?)
"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
(No problem.)
"20-Apr-1998 Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."
(Maybe he should try building it with wood.)
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
(Time for new brake pads?)
LITTLE-KNOWN APHRODISIACS
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.
"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
SIGNS YOUR MARRIAGE IS ON THE ROCKS
Your anniversary gift is a virtual bouquet.
Her bitchiness is no longer cute.
His moodiness is no longer cute.
You no longer fantasize about him/her when cheating on him/her. At least when you fantasized about him/her when cheating on him/her it didn't feel like cheating on him/her.
You refer to your spouse as him/her.
You both enjoy listening and singing along with Neil Diamonds song Love On The Rocks.
She takes a job as a White House intern.
She enjoys going out drinking with the 'boys in the band'.
You would rather surf porn sites on the Internet than surf your wife.
You would rather surf ANYTHING on the Internet than surf him.
The only head you ever get is from draft beer.
You get along better with your in-laws than your spouse.
You would rather watch a lame late night talk show than make love with your spouse.
Even your kids want you to get a divorce.
Not only do you not talk to him, you don't talk to his girlfriend.
THE CARD SHOP
A woman was in a card shop spending a long time looking at the cards, walking up and down the aisles, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
ELECTRONIC GREETING CARDS
One of the many great attributes of the web is the ability to send electronic greeting cards. You can send an electronic card to anyone in the world as long as they have an e-mail address. The best part is it is free. I'm sure Hallmark isn't thrilled.
You can send via the web a card for any occasion. Birthdays and anniversaries are probably the most popular. I don't think the Bon Voyage card is popular.
There is an advantage to sending and electronic card rather than a card delivered by the postal service. First of all it is free so you can send cards to people you normally wouldn't send your change of address. Second: You don't have to go to the local card shop and spend time looking through all their mindless cards. On the web it takes only seconds to look through all the mindless electronic cards. Three: Not one tree is chopped down to make the card. Four: You can personalize it with various colors. This shows your artistic ability. A white background shows you are a little plain. A bright red background shows you are a little wild. Thanks to Rev. Jerry Falwell and Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies we now know that a purple background means you may be gay. Not wanting to send the wrong message to someone you may want to stick with a plain white background. Not that there is anything wrong with sending a purple background between two consenting adults. Personally I prefer white, in an inanimate object, in people I like all colors. Just so people don't get the wrong idea. I have removed all purple items from my home. It is entirely possible we in the general public are not aware of other colors have hidden meanings. For this reason white is probably the safest background color when selecting an electronic card.
Music is another option available with the electronic greeting card. I never send electronic cards without music, too boring. Music is a nice touch. No matter how great the song selection, it always sounds as if it is being played on a cheap organ. Does anyone ever send a birthday card without the Beatles' Birthday song?
Another advantage of the electronic card is when you receive one you look at it once and never have to look at the mindless card again. There is a down side to electronic cards. They don't kill trees but the logging industry and the many card shops help keep the economy running smoothly. Not to mention employing numerous postal workers that could become violent due to layoffs caused by the increase in electronic cards. So when you receive an electronic card, keep all of these things in mind and remember the person that sent you it is a really cheap bastard.
Copyright © 1999, Scotty Kowall
1999 DARWIN AWARDS:
The first candidates!
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) A
39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell
from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.
GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY... Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer [ ! ] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
CATCH! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU... Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT! Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
TALES FROM THE BIG CITY
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"
PICKUP LINES FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
Scan me with your software.
Lets connect. I'm Y2K compliant.
Your beauty freezes me up. Push my Ctrl, Alt, Delete and reboot my heart.
I'll spank you like a Heinz Ketchup bottle.
Lets FTP.
Love your website. Can you make me one?
I need your ISO.
What's your browser?
You look scalable.
I'm all hard drive baby.
I'll ride you into the sunset.
You look like a 600MHz. woman.
Would you be my refugee?
Put your hand on my stickshift and drive me like a new Mercedes.
Click here and enter the love machine.
Put your hand on my mouse and click away.
I put the HD in TV.
Scroll me.
Come over to my place and checkout my High Definition.
How would you like my Intel inside?
I'd like to browse your Internet.
I'd like to put my fingers on your keyboard.
If you play with my hard drive I'll make your dot.com.
Come over to my place so I can ride your information highway.
You make my mini tower.
It's a new world order. Have your way with me.
Lets connect modems.
Lick me like an ice cream cone and make my soft serve hard.
I give a free web page with every download.
THE ONE-CELLED AMOEBA'S "TO DO" LIST
2. After dinner, hit on self in hopes of getting 'lucky'
3. Reproduce by dividing into two cells
4. Tell that 'paramecium anal pore' joke to new cell
5. Repeat 1 through 3
43 RULES FOR WOMEN BY MEN
[Thanks again to John]
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was NOT looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "c@#t".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item): butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: Blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
