THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 25, 1999
If you have love in your life,
It can make up for a great many things you lack.
If you do not have it,
No matter what else there is,
It is not enough.
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Nag (nag) v./n. A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. Natalie Wood
Time is an illusion... lunchtime, doubly so. Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe"
Blessed are the pessimistic for they hath made backups. Unknown
Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday. Unknown
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"... a lot of guys would like to be in my position, raising my kids and playing golf. ... I mean, my life is fine. It's not what it was, but that's life." O.J. Simpson, in an interview with People magazine.
The politically correct term for impotence: Ascension Deficit Disorder
Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner. Ryan Rollinson
If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it? The Covert Comic
I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well. Jim Rosenberg
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
affirmation courtesy of our illustriously profound former vice president, J. Danforth Quayle
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC Four times as many men as women hug their spouse first thing when they walk in the door after work.
Probably guilty of something
GO! GIRL GO! (Glenpool, Okla.) Heather Joy says she's found a way to cowgirl's heart. She makes hand-crafted bags from bull scrotums. The cost of each of her True Cowgirl's Purses depends on whether the bag is personalized, hand-dyed or is adorned with silver or brass. The bags start at $110. Ms. Joy admits the idea "is not for everyone." Her purses are scraped, soaked in salt water and dried before they're shipped to a Wyoming company where they're pickled, she said. The bags, which come in different sizes and colors, are flat and supple by the time they are put on sale. (AP)
Not a good visual image...
100% DAMAGED GOODS (San Francisco) Peter Caputo, a bodybuilder who flexed his way to the Mr. America title in 1971 and is now a computer operator in San Francisco, hurt his shoulder while trying to stop a load of boxed computer paper from falling off a dolly. Caputo, who is in his 40s, filed for workers' compensation benefits in 1995 submitting medical reports indicating that he was "100 percent psychologically disabled" by the injury and could not walk without a cane. Insurance investigators recently checked upon the case and found Caputo walking normally everywhere except the doctor's office. At his trial the former bodybuilding champ's defense attorney argued that "as a result of Caputo's narcissistic personality, he became psychologically disabled because he could no longer work out and be 'Superman' ". The court sentenced Caputo to six months in county jail, a $200 fine and three years of supervised probation. (Reuters)
I new there was a reason I shouldn't work out, I'll be psychologically damaged...
TATTOO SPELLING RULES (Roseville, Mich.) Lee Williams went into the Eternal Tattoos shop to get a tattoo. Williams, a student at Wayne State University and a former Marine, got the tattoo in 1996. He didn't notice that his tattoo was misspelled 'villian' instead of 'villain' until much later when a friend made fun of him. Williams,
23, is seeking $25,000 in damages against Eternal Tattoos. To cover up the mistake he had plastic surgery, which cost him $1,900 and left a "scar as long as my forearm". (AP)
No fair getting smart *after* the tattoo.
SECURITY ALERT FURBYS (Washington, D.C.) The National Security Agency has banned 'Furbys' from its Fort Meade premises in Maryland. In an internal message to workers, the NSA issued a warning about the toy, which is embedded with a computer chip that allows it to utter 200 words 100 in English and 100 in "Furbish". "We are prohibited from introducing these items into NSA spaces. Those who have should
contact their Staff Security Office for guidance." Because of its ability to repeat some of what it hears, NSA officials were worried "that people would take them home and they'd start talking classified". (AP)
Wonder what the penalty is for talking to your Furby?
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
June 25th will mark the first-ever Take Your Dog to Work Day, sponsored by a group called Pet Sitters International.
The event is expected to significantly increase the amount of impulsive humping which occurs in the workplace.
The owner of an Orlando adult nightclub and three dancers were charged Monday with violating a local anti-nudity ordinance by performing Shakespeare's "Macbeth" in the nude.
"Off, off, damn top!"
Michigan State Sen. Dale Shugars has introduced legislation which would require parental advisories on tickets, posters and other advertising for certain concerts.
For instance, a sign at Shania Twain concerts would read "Warning: Breasts are larger than they appear."
Transvestite Thai kickboxer Parinya Kiatbusaba wants to wear a bra for his next bout against a Japanese opponent in Tokyo to protect his newly grown breasts.
"Let's get readddyyyy to fonnnnddddlllllle!"
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so
gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOU'RE READY TO HAVE CHILDRENMess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's (if Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'RE STILL NOT READY FOR SUMMER15. Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwhacker.
14. The pool boy shows up with a backhoe.
13. Putting on last year's bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
12. Used all your bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors during the winter.
11. It's springtime, and you're still planting gloves.
10. Your new batch of ads featuring a pierced Joe Camel on a surfboard are three weeks behind schedule.
9. Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee, and besides, you're still hungover from spring break.
8. You refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
7. You're so white, even the Boston Celtics refuse you.
6. Vacation plans include a ValueJet flight to a Club Med Zaire.
5. Recent guilty verdict on all 11 counts means you can kiss that Summer Patriot Training Camp trip goodbye.
4. Without flood relief from slow Congress, you're still *living* in your bass boat.
3. Despite therapy, you're still not prepared for the coming endless airplay of "Kokomo."
2. The sun's reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of Mir's solar panels.
1. Still confusing the George Clooney Batman with the Val Kilmer Batman.
A DEAD HORSE (REFLECTIONS ON BUSINESS TODAY)
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
Buying a stronger whip.
Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse".
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".
Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat".
Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
(an obvious oxymoron... lol)
Type these in at the prompt and have some fun with the error messages face it, it'll be one of the few times you're ever laughing while typing something into the keyboard at your workstation...
% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
% gotta light?
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% How's my lovemaking?
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
% [Where is my brain?
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
%blow: No such job.
(-: Command not found.
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
% ^What is saccharine?
% drink yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
%chmod 000 me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
% ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist
% ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar: matey, the treasure does not exist
% talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.
% talk Comrade Khruchev
[Your party is not logged on]
THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A LOW-BUDGET MOVIE
14. Most of the special effects involve Legos.
13. View out the spaceship "window" looks an awful lot like your screen saver.
12. Flushing sounds heard before waterfall scenes.
11. Big chase scene marred by Hot Wheel (TM) trestle failure.
10. Something tells you that "Star Wars Episode II: Porky's Revenge" isn't a George Lucas production.
9. Sociopathic slasher's weapon of choice: grapefruit spoon.
8. That "LOW BATT" you see isn't a subtitle.
7. Hard to believe an International Superspy would drive a Gremlin.
6. "Computer generated characters" are created by combining a colon and parentheses.
5. The boom mike is in so many shots, it gets over-the-title billing.
4. During the dramatic shot of the ocean liner sinking, you can clearly see a gigantic bar of Ivory Soap in the background.
3. Either that's a zipper or Godzilla has had a vasectomy.
2. "Starring Tae Bo master Billy Blanks as Nelson Mandela."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Low-Budget Movie...
1. That "alien monster" looks suspiciously like someone's genitalia.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
OVERHEARD IN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Situation: Winter time in the South, Aircraft flying along his route of flight.
There had been reports from other pilots of icing (a hazardous accumulation of ice in various forms on aircraft control surfaces and in the carburetor) along their routes.
Female Controller: "N123Z, verify you have icing on your route." (Pronounced "ROOT" in the south)
Male pilot of N123Z: "It's cold up here ma'am, but not that cold."
WHAT MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, zzzzzzzzzzzz
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.
What they get: 3 hellions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
RIDDLESQ: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
Q: What do the letters DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexia Association.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that runs for help... after it bites your leg off.
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "you will have many."
DELICIOUS WISHA man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
[Thanks to David Team Building, The Fuller Dimension]
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
PLAYING DOCTORFive doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist, After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?
MORE WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
You KNOW you want me.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
DAMN YANKEESA fellow from Boston was in Atlanta, GA, visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life something he was not accustomed to, being from Boston.
While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead.
As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. He said the headlines would proclaim:
"ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH"
The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston not Atlanta. The next day the headlines of the Atlanta paper read:
"YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET"
THE WIZARDAn old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
FROM THE MAILBOX OF SCOTT ADAMSWhile in the office of my very well known U.S. company, one of the bosses was talking about the size and power of the company. To get this point across he said, "We're a multi-global company." He was promptly asked, "Do you mean Earth and Uranus?"
(CREATOR OF DILBERT)
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was unable to get verification of my employment.
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza AND a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
[Editor's note: Young folks will be happy to know that people like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school world. They're called "your boss."]
We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as we could see were also dark.
Our temp adman said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars running?"
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.
After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
[Editor's tip: Next time you're visiting the home of Induhviduals, send them to the kitchen to get you a beer. (It usually takes two of them to handle the task.) While they're gone, set the sleep timer function on their TV to 30 minutes. Visit them again in a week and mention you're in the market for a low-cost television set.]
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am ten years old. My parents won't let me watch the Dilbert TV show because they think it will damage my brain. What can I do?
You have a bigger problem than you think. Your parents must have watched the Dilbert show in order to form their opinions about it. That means THEIR brains are already damaged.
If you suspect your parents of being nuts, look for any of these telltale signs:
- They give you bed times that are always exactly on the hour, or exactly half-past the hour, never in between.
- They start getting fatter.
- They complain about taxes.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I could not let my seven year-old read your 2/7 cartoon because I felt it was not appropriate to be seen by a child. One of the characters' rear ends was hanging out! My child would not have understood why! So, I am asking you please, in the future, consider children who are learning to read and enjoy comics with their parents. I hope we will not have to censor comics. Thank you.
I agree. No child should be forced to look at hineys. That is why I recommend that you remove the mirrors from your house, so your child does not accidentally see his own hiney. That would not be appropriate for someone so young. If that doesn't prove practical, instruct your child to do what I do: grow fur to cover his hiney. I've never seen mine.
FROM THE MALE BONDING RITUALS HANDBOOK:
HOW TO AVOID A COLLISION
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.