THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 13, 1999
Small are the number of them that see with their own eyes and feel with their own heart.
— Albert Einstein
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
BUTT (but) n. —
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger".
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war. — Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire
Join the Army Reserves, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them (but only on weekends).
I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like to get into the National Guard." — Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War
Facts are stupid things. — Ronald Reagan
The information superhighway is a revolution that in years to come will transcend newspapers, radio, and television as an information source. Therefore, I think this is the time to put some restrictions on it. — U.S. Senator James Exon
Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
If ignorance is bliss, where are all the blissful people?
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village. — Jack Handy
Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.
Men are like Oreos, all the good ones are taken and the rest are cracked and broken.
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt was killed yesterday??
She was on the freeway and some dick cut her off!!
I want to be reincarnated as your tampon — Prince Charles to Camilla Parker-Bowles, 1991 (Not recommended as a pickup line. Kids, don't try this at home.)
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. — Noelie Altito
————————————————————
If there were something called Marriage Reserve, I'd sign up for it in a heartbeat. That way I could sleep with other women on one weekend each month and two weeks in the summer, and my wife couldn't do crap about it. — Mike Wilson
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Don't live in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Unless your life sucks — then live in the past.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC — Number of yearly injuries to Americans caused by toilets: 45,000
JUST NOT MY DAY (Baltimore) — Ms. Dorothy Joyner, 57, a Republican mayoral candidate was one of the candidates in a field of 25 running for mayor in this overwhelmingly Democratic city. During an appearance on the local TV in a "Newsmaker" segment, Ms. Joyner described herself as a churchgoer with 30 years experience in education. She also spoke at length about crime. "I think that we need to retrain our police officers. Our officers need to steer clear of the abrasiveness they project. Instead of abrasiveness, what about courtesy? What about manners?" she asked. A police officer happened to be watching the 6:30 p.m. news, and recognized her as someone with an outstanding warrant. Officers were waiting for Ms. Joyner when she left the studios of WBFF-TV. She was arrested on a warrant charging her with one count of misdemeanor burglary. Cameras captured her leaving the station in handcuffs. (AP)
— Trust they were polite when they put the handcuffs on...
MAKE MINE TO GO, PLEASE (San Francisco) — About 25 overweight protesters picketed a fitness club to protest a billboard that said "When space aliens finally do encounter humans they will eat the fat ones first". (Reuters)
— Number 6 on the Jenny Craig 'Reasons to Diet' list.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
A VISIT TO BRAS
(This Week's Selected Excerpts from
"Women Are from Bras, Men Are from Penus" —
A Survival Guide for Bypassing Communication
and Getting Even in Your Relationship)
Bras is an unusual planet in its ability to retain water. Whenever it rains, the water doesn't evaporate. The planet just soaks it up, swelling to twice its normal size. There are two large mountain ranges on bras, though each points in a slightly different direction from the other.
Brassierians are not concerned with building highways and tall buildings. They are more concerned with decorating. As a matter of fact, on Bras there are so many throw rugs and throw pillows, you could throw up. Everything on bras has to match. The couch has to match the rug which has to match the paintings which have to match the drapes which have to match their panties.
And they like to wear a different outfit every day to express how they feel. One day they could be wearing a sexy low-cut red-sequin evening gown and the next they could be sporting a T-shirt that says, "fuck You" on the front and "Yeah You!" on the back. They complain they never have anything to wear, and that eight closets aren't enough to hold it.
And Brassierians are also concerned with odors and fragrances. It is clearly the freshest smelling planet in the universe. Nasty odors are a "no-no" and are covered up by an air freshener with a fresh pine scent. When the smell of pine gets too nauseating, it is covered with a new-improved fresh lemony scent. The artificially engineered, allergic-reaction-producing lemon scent is then covered up with a clear natural scent, though nobody knows what a clear natural scent really smells like.
To cover up this chemical wizardry from an olfactory factory, Brassierians scatter baskets of potpourri everywhere — in every hallway and every room, especially in the bathroom. Even the water in the toilet, called toilet water, is colored aqua blue and carries a distinct fragrance to cover up the sickening-sweet smell of the potpourri.
And, in case there are any smells they missed, Brassierian post "stick-ups", light scented candles, burn incense, use perfume, and wear odor eaters, not just in their shoes, but also under their arms.
For recreation Brassierians play a lot of games such as bridge, Scrabble, and backgammon — but best of all they like to play dumb. Brassierians also enjoy activities such as shopping. Another pastime they enjoy is shopping with a friend. A third activity they enjoy is shopping with a friend in a mall. A fourth activity they enjoy is "doing lunch". This is especially enjoyable since it can be done while shopping with a friend in a mall.
Brassierians love relating to each other. The only mail that is ever sent is birthday cards and thank-you notes. Then they thank each other for sending the thank-you note. Then they send little stuffed animals as thanks for being thanked, which prompts a thank-you note for the little stuffed animal.
Not a lot gets done on Bras.
NEXT WEEK: A Visit to Penus
YOU ONLY *THOUGHT* YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY...
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain doomed. If you don't believe it, consider these weird occurrences:
• A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.
• Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.
• Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
• George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, RI, narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
• Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
• A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
• Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
• In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit — Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
• While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
• Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
• In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
• Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
• An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER IF...
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
• He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose".
• During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger".
• A prison guard is shaving your head.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
• He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
• Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
• He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".
IF MICROSOFT WAS JEWISH...
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
• When you fill up your "C-Drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
• Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday nights.
• CD-ROMS would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
• Your "Start" button would be replaced with "Lets go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
• "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with, "Stop it already — You're killing me!, You van I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!"
• When disconnecting an external device from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
• Your multimedia player would be named to "Nu, so play my musi already!"
• During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
• "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
• Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
• When running "scandisk" you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
• When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!!!".
• A "monitor cleaning solution" Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
• After 20 minutes of no activity your PC would go "Schloffen."
• Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
• Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "bingo" or "mah-jong."
• After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
THE TOP 12 PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATES OF CELEBRITIES
12. 1HIT1DER — Ricky Martin
11. NU CLEVGE — Britney Spears
10. 20K LAID — Wilt Chamberlain
9. JAILBTCH — Robert Downey, Jr.
8. OUTOFST8 — Hillary Rodham Clinton
7. [ ] — George W. Bush
6. C MY BRA — Brandi Chastain
5. IM STR8 — Tom Cruise
4. K8ODIDIT — O.J. Simpson
3. PEN IS — John Bobbitt
2. VOAT4ME — Dan Quayle
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Personalized License Plate of a Celebrity...
1. TOP5SUX — David Letterman
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES
[Thanks again to John]
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
RELIGIOUS RITUALS...
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd — "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 AM.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage
cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
THE IRREVERENT WIT AND WISDOM OF EMO PHILLIPS
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
• I said, "You'll be sorry."
• He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
• I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky — but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
• So i ran over and said, "Stop! don't do it!"
• "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
• I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
• He said, "Like what?"
• I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
• He said, "Religious."
• I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
• He said, "Christian."
• I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
• He said, "Protestant."
• I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
• He said, "Baptist!"
• I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
• He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
• I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
• He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
• I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
• He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
• I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Oh, yes... I've tried my hand at sex...
THE TOP 10 OUTER SPACE PICK-UP LINES
9. "Your eyes are like two black holes that I keep getting sucked into."
8. "Is your name 'Hyperspace'? Because my instruments tell me I'm about to make the jump to you."
7. "Your lips may be saying, 'No, no, no', but your antennae are saying, 'Yes, yes, yes!'"
6. "Hey, want to go to a kickin' Y3K party?"
5. "Is that a fluctuation in the antimatter injection tubes of your vortex ionizer, or are you happy to see me?"
4. "What's a well-engineered female life form like you doing in a campy postmodern representation of a social meeting place like this?"
3. "Are you happy to see me, or is that your low battery warning light?"
2. "You have the most beautiful butts I've ever seen."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Outer Space Pick-Up Line...
1. "Is your hovercar low on crystalloid fusion particles?
'Cause you've been driving it through my mind all night."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
