THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 4, 1999
THE BEAUTY OF THE ROSE
Think of the stem as the road of life ever bending,
turning and changing, as we walk along life's road.
Think of the rose, as our hearts delicate and fragile,
slowly healing, and slowly opening,
as time heals our wounds.
Think of the broken petals as the broken dreams,
broken hearts, and wounded spirits, that have filled our lives.
Think of the growth of the rose, and the opening of the petals
as time that passes, as we forget our pains,
and as we grow, and as we experience new joys,
new dreams, new hope, new love, and new friendships.
Think of the fallen petals as growth
as we learn to let go of the burdens we need not carry
along the way, as we allow our hearts to open again,
our hearts will heal, we will learn to love again,
we will become stronger. Time is a healer.
When we can see the beauty of the rose
we learn to see the beauties of life that's when we'll know,
we've healed and we've become as beautiful as the ROSE.
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
INTERESTING A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? Unknown
"It was like playing pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks." Texas Sen. David Sibley, describing tough negotiations in February, 1995 on pending state tort reform legislation
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. Unknown
My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is you're a bitch." Unknown
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" Judy Tenuta
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
I realized that if I were to eat the bag my rice cakes came in, I'd likely ingest more nutrition than eating the cakes themselves. Connie Chai
I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. Damon R. Milhem
I know the perfect woman for me exists, but the judge was very specific in his restraining order. Alf Whit
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:BENT HISTORIC MISTAKE AWARD In 1962 NASA launched the Mariner probe to investigate Venus. On launch day, the craft veered off course as it separated from its booster. Four minutes into the flight NASA officials had to press the destruct button and blow up the $18.5 million craft. The official investigation later showed that a single minus sign in the computer program was the cause.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
NICE FELONY Beaverton, Ore. Two officers locked themselves in their patrol car after a 100-pound Rottweiler named 'Felony' attacked the car. The canine attacked the officers' vehicle and rocked it with head butts after they arrived on the scene to investigate complaints of a dog chasing cars and bicyclists. The officers stayed inside of the car for more than 30 minutes as Felony bit chunks of the vehicle's tires. They stayed inside until animal control officers arrived and captured the dog. Damage to the car, estimated at $300, included three flat tires. (USA TODAY)
BENT UNDERSTATEMENT "The animal just doesn't like vehicles," one of the police spokesman locked in the patrol car (above).
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
MOSCOW, RUSSIA (DPI) Citing lack of funding and the country's severe shortage of duct tape, the Russians have decided to abandon the MIR spacestation sometime around late summer. The aging space-craft, which has suffered a rash of mishaps in recent years, including the infamous incident in which it fell out of orbit and "bounced" off a local Michigan man's home back into orbit, would cost billions of (pretty-much worthless) rubles to maintain. "We just can't afford it" admits Lead Russian Space Administrator Boris Borisborisky. In an attempt to recoup some of their losses, the Russians plan to auction the craft off on eBay. If this strategy fails, the craft will be stripped of its license plates and vehicle identification numbers and left in a Sears parking lot in Detroit to be towed at the city's expense. Reported by Davejames
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
Q: Did your hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.
THE AOL CAR
- The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
- The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
- The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
- The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
- AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
- Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
- The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
- The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
- Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
- If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
- The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
- AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
- AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
- Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
- It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
- AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
- Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
- It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
- AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
- AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
- Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye".
ARE YOU A REAL GUY?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
- Present it to the president of the United States.
- Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
- Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
- Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
- When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
- When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
- When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
- If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
- If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
- If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the basepath,
- Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
- remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
- reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
- tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
- A cat.
- A dog.
- A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
- That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
- That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
- That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
- You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
- You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
- Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
- "Do they need to eat or anything?"
- "They're in school already?"
- "There are three of them?"
- When is it okay to throw away a pair of underwear?
- When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
- When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
- It is never okay to throw away underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
- He was being tested.
- He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
- He refused to ask directions.
- What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
- Remote control.
HOW TO SCORE:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
OK, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T A REAL GUY...
PERHAPS YOU'RE A REAL COWBOY???
An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences.... so I reckon I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of a women."
A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
MARTIANS vs VENUSIANS THE SAGA CONTINUES...A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road in the opposite direction. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
CHAPTER 5, 489, 543: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3RD KIND
So the man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
SPEEDINGAn elderly couple was driving cross country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The patrolman says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I had ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER SELLS MARY KAY COSMETICS *
10. Declares that she simply can't get along with her boyfriend because "he's a winter".
9. Bumper sticker on her car: "I brake for cosmetics testing animals."
8. Dennis Rodman personally implores her to "try to be more subtle".
7. Refers to Cindy Crawford as "that Revlon bitch."
6. Can't tell you why profits are down; CAN tell you why "Midnight Lace" perfume is perfect for that after-six board meeting.
5. Seems convinced that the "whore look" is the latest thing.
4. Demands that Kosovar Albanians be treated with dignity, respect and a moisturizing skin lotion of at least SPF 12.
3. Always pregnant by a teenage boy. (Oops! That's a sign your co-worker sells Mary Kay *LaTorneau* cosmetics.)
2. Always says, "God bless you," even after you tell her to go to hell.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker Sells Mary Kay Cosmetics...
1. She's perkier than Katie Couric, wears more make-up than Tammy Faye Bakker, and chants "make the most of what you have" even when alone in the restroom.
LAMAZE BONDING EXPERIENCE
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Two rednecks named Jimmie Bob and Cletus decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Jimmie Bob went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Jimmie Bob.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"?
"I sure do," Jimmie Bob answered.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," Jimmie Bob responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, Jimmie Bob shouted, "AMAAAZIN"!!!
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! Wow! This is incredible!" (Jimmie Bob is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Jimmie Bob, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend Cletus is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" Cletus asked.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Jimmie Bob.
"What in tarnation is logic"? asked Cletus.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," Cletus replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
- Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
- Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
- Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
- First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
- Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
- Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
- Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
HOW MEN REALLY THINKThere is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
(A Short Story...)
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
THE TESTA 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
[Thanks again to John]
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
THE TRUE MEANING OF SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS
What They say:
What They Mean:
Did you come?
Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you.
I'm a Romantic.
I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin.
I love you.
God, what have I gotten myself into?
I think we should just be friends.
Haven't I seen you before?
I want to make love.
I want to fuck your brains out.
Was it good for you?
I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk.
I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you.
I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people.
I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married.
Does that mean we can do it now?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready.
Put out or get out.
I feel its time to express our love for each other.
SHUT UP! and give me head.
I still think about you.
I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong?
Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature.
I hope you're eighteen.
Its never been like this before.
Its my first time.
Yes... Yes... (scream!).
Aren't you done yet?
(authored by a lonely man)
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.
- A woman's place is in the:
- House (or Senate)
- Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals
- When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
- "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
- "Material Girl"
- "I Touch Myself"
- Theme from "Psycho"
- The perfect Christmas gift is:
- Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
- Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
- Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
- Whips, knives, and red-hot irons
- A woman's hairstyle should:
- Gently accentuate her best features
- Not resemble a poodle
- Hide the lobotomy scars
- Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns
- My personal role-model is:
- Hillary Clinton
- Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
- Daisy Duke
- Lorena Bobbit
- When it comes to cars, I:
- Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
- What's oil?
- Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
- Want a Mercedes... NOW!
- If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
- Pet rock
- I have a subscription to:
- Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
- Analog and Rolling Stone
- National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
- Weekly Reader
- I want to have ___ children.
- Any number, as long as they are healthy
- My list of favorite authors include:
- William Shakespeare
- Maya Angelou
- Chairman Mao
- Marquis DeSade
- A romantic evening is best spent:
- Before a roaring fire
- Having a candle-lit dinner
- Country line dancing
- I want to date:
- A Lawyer
- An Engineer
- A Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
- Anyone who owns a shoe store
- I really admire:
- My parents, for bringing me up right
- My teachers, for teaching me about life
- The makers of Velveeta
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
- What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
- Massive chest
- Tight buns
- Tattoo collection
- Credit cards
- What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
- Sparkling wit
- Open mind
- Deep understanding of power tools
- I really get turned on when you:
- Are with me
- Kiss my neck
- Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
- Do the dishes
- I can't live without:
- The support of friends
- Entertainment Tonight
- If you were really depressed, I would:
- Listen to your problems
- Rub your back
- Get you drunk
- My favorite television programs are:
- NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
- MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
- This Week In Monster Truck Racing and Americas' Most Wanted
- Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
- My favorite pig out food is:
- Low-fat yogurt
- Gummi worms
- A man's still quivering heart
- A man should know where I keep my:
- House keys
- Erogenous zones
- Ear-wax remover
- I would rather die a slow painful death than:
- Betray a confidence
- Betray my country
- Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
- Spend one more minute with you
- The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
- Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
- Your bedroom
- The one phrase I would love to hear is:
- "Congratulations, Madame President"
- "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
- "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
- "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."
- If a man was to propose to me, I would:
- Call my mother
- Be pregnant
- Giggle uncontrollably
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
THE TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
[Thanks to Sharon]