THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 11, 1999
Your task is not to seek for love,
But merely to seek and find
All the barriers within yourself
That you have built against it.
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
FRIGID A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Nathaniel Borenstein
Times fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog
My mother made me a homosexual! Written on a wall in Melbourne Australia
If I buy the wool, would she make one for me? Written underneath
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Unknown
Going to Hell when I die would just be redundant. Unknown
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra" it rounds them up and points them in the right direction. Unknown
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
THE GODDESS' WEENIE OF THE WEEK AWARD GOES TO: Abdul Aziz, Chief Minister of the Malaysian State of Kelantan, during a recent lecture to government employees (this is an actual quote):
"There are far too many pretty women in the government offices at the moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency with their pert and yielding tightness. We must be ever watchful for possible, immoral activities and it is well known that pretty women cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity, blindness, sickness and bends. That is why from now on thorough ugliness must be considered a deciding factor at all job interviews. Since the prettier candidate has already been blessed by God it is only right that we should hire the uglier one. After all, if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who will?"
According to former Navy engineer and UFO expert Al Bielek, military troops are now being sent forward in time to the year 2049 to fight a battle involving a race of lizard-like E.T.s known as the "Reptilians."
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
I think I speak for all Americans when I say that this is *finally* something for which I would be willing to check off a dollar contribution on my taxes. *Go Army! Beat Reptilians!*
A new chain of super-size X-rated book stores called Amazing Superstores recently opened its first store in Providence, Rhode Island.
"Ask about our '*Frequent Flogger*' discounts!"
A well known Italian psychic says a UFO the size of a truck will soon crash land somewhere in Europe.
My question is this: does the Mir count?
According to a new study, 52% of high school students are virgins.
Bidding for the names of the other 48% begins on eBay at $1 million.
After biologists announced in December that, for the first time, they had mapped out all of the DNA of a multicell animal (a microscopic roundworm, with 19,099 genes), colleagues told the New York Times that the revelation had a profound effect on their ability to do the same someday for humans. Said the president of the National Academy of Sciences, "In the last 10 years, we have come to realize humans are more like worms than we ever imagined."
--== NEWS OF THE WEIRD ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Chuck Shepherd
Two researchers from the University of Vienna told a British Psychological Society conference in February that vaginal pheromones appear to block men's ability to distinguish beautiful women from plain ones. After men were given synthetic copulins, they judged plain women more attractive as to face and voice, and the less attractive the women initially, the greater the jump in their ratings. (However, birth control pills appear to block the production of copulins.)
In April, prominent Canadian geneticist Robert Hegele told a conference in Edmonton, Alberta, that when he revealed to some Newfoundlanders in remote villages that they possessed a genetic flaw that increased their chances of heart disease, they were happy. Their initial reaction, said Hegele, was, "This is great! They figured, 'This means we're doomed, so we . . . don't need to quit smoking or [stop eating fatty foods].' "
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
HELPFUL HINTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY:
1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, dresser top, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
7. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
8. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
9. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
10. Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
11. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
12. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
13. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE CRAZY:
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG MARRIAGE COUNSELOR *15. Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
14. Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."
13. "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."
12. Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
11. "Just shut up and screw," doesn't seem like very good advice.
10. After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
9. When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
8. "Communication, schmunication let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."
7. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
6. You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.
5. Always takes Hillary's side.
4. In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.
3. Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.
2. "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor...
1. Her last name has six hyphens.
THE FEMINIST AGENDAAs you all know, we have a heck of a time keeping track of the feminist agenda. I know I keep losing it. Evidently I didn't read it very well because Pat Robertson was quoted as saying it is in the agenda that we leave our husbands, kill our children, and become lesbians. My husband will be a little bummed about the lesbian part, but it does make sense about why I never have seen any children around the house. I don't ever remember reading that part, but why would Pat Robertson lie? Anyway, here's our new agenda.
0800 - 0815 Introduction, Opening Remarks
0815 - 0915 Plot to Overthrow World Leadership
0915 - 0930 BREAK - Coffee and donuts
0930 - 1030 Undermine World Religions
1030 - 1200 General Attacks on the Institution of the American Family
1200 - 1300 Catered Lunch and Fashion Show
1300 - 1330 Plot to Remove All Men From the World
1330 - 1400 BREAK - Cake and Champagne
1400 - 1500 Leave Husbands (If Applicable)
1500 - 1530 Kill Children
1530 - 1700 Become Lesbian
1730+ Evening Mixer; Open Bar
THE TOP 13 SURPRISES ON THE13. Brisk ticket sales as fans realize they no longer need baby-sitters for their 40 year old children.
BOB DYLAN / PAUL SIMON SUMMER TOUR *
12. Harmonica solo on "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seems to be in the wrong key.
11. Audience shouts for "Sounds of Silence" every time Dylan sings.
10. Applause causes Clapper-controlled light show to freak out.
9. "Hey! Don't Bogart that Viagra, dude!!"
8. Updated lyrics: "EVERYbody must get stoned... besides, it helps my glaucoma!"
7. Microsoft provides cutting-edge software used to translate Dylan's vocals in real-time.
6. Paul's the neat freak prude, Bob's the beer-guzzling slob.
5. "Hyears to yeeewwww, Meeeeesuuus Rhhhobinson. Jesus luvs yeeeewwww mooorrrrrre than yeeeeewwwwww will knooooooow. O...O...O."
4. "Now raise your cell phones way up in the air, and press star 99 like you just don't care!"
3. Art Garfunkel gets chief roadie job because he's the only one who can understand Dylan's Chinese take-out order.
2. PA announcer introduces them as Mumbly Spice and Shorty Spice.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise on the Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour...
1. Simon's emotional ballad for Bob: "Fifty Ways to Kill Your Liver"
WHAT MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANTWhat women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, zzzzzzzzzzzz
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.
What they get: 3 hellions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack".
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."