THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 28, 1999
We are each of us angels with only one wing...
we can only fly by embracing one another.
— Luciano De Crescenzo
If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life,
your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
we can only fly by embracing one another.
— Luciano De Crescenzo
If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life,
your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Oh, no! Not another learning experience. — Unknown
A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am. — Unknown
One day I'm a windshield, the next day a bug thereon. — Unknown
I drank what?? — Socrates
Scattered showers my ass! — Noah
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. — Richard Lewis
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? — John Mendoza
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. — Joe E. Lewis
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. — Oscar Levant
I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story... — Unknown
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Some days I just pray for spontaneous combustion. — Daniel Di Paolo
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working. — Dan Silva
Sometimes I feel like a fly. I spend half the day banging my head against the screen to get in, and the rest of the day banging on it to get out. — Tom Sims
I once attended a workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. I took copious verbatim notes — in triplicate. — Terrill Fischer
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem... Oh wait, we're already doing that. — J.P. Styskal
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true. — Dave James
The last time I went to the dentist, she told me I had been a very naughty boy and proceeded to spank me. Wait a minute... maybe that wasn't the dentist. — David Vincent
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
THE WOMEN'S (AND MASOCHISTIC MEN'S) CORNER
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Three words guaranteed to destroy any man's ego: "Is it In?"
The three words most hated by men (after "Is it in?): "Are you done?"
The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
— wonder what the thief looked like...
WISH YOU WERE HERE — A 15-pound cement frog vanished from John and Gert Knight's garden in Swansea, Massachusetts. A letter left at the time of its' disappearance said that it needed to escape the daily grind of garden life but would be back. While it was gone, the Knights received postcards and photos of the frog living it up in New York, Indonesia and Venezuela. It was returned 8 months later in a limo. The limo driver denied any part in the kidnapping, saying he was just asked to return it safely. (AP)
HEY MULDER! — Toronto. Rene Joly, 34, a college-educated sales manager, filed legal action in April, contending that the Shopper's Drug Mart chain had sold him poison instead of medication, that Canadian troops in Germany had implanted a microchip in his brain and that Citibank had perpetrated a credit card fraud — all in a bid to further U.S. assassination attempts on his life because he was a Martian.
"I think Mr. Joly has watched too many episodes of the 'X-Files'," said lawyer Daina Groskaufmanis, who represented Citibank. Joly maintains he is cloned from material recovered in the 1960s by NASA from Mars. "Genetically speaking, I'm a Martian, yes,"
Joly told Reuters.
BENT JUDICIAL AWARD — Goes to the judge in the above case. The Ontario Superior Court judge dismissed Rene Joly's case on the grounds that he claimed not to be human and therefore had no status before the courts.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, ETC. — Washington. One hundred million newly printed 60-cent international stamps carry a picture of the Grand Canyon and, on the bottom of each stamp, the words "Grand Canyon, Colorado." The Grand Canyon is actually located in the Arizona, although it was carved by the Colorado River. The Post Office is currently trying to decide whether to reprint them. (USA Today)
—no wonder U.S. kids can't place the U.S. on a globe...
———————————————————————————————————————
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
He *promised* $1 million, but all they will be able to get is about 33.6k.
A new study says kids who sleep with a night-light could become nearsighted.
And another study reports that grown men who sleep with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader could become suffocated.
Tom Stafford, a Boulder, Colorado based specialist, has found *cheetah* bones from about 40,000 to 50,000 years ago sealed in a Nevada cave .
This is a coincidence! Mr. Monologue just found *Cheeto's* brand cheese puffs under the couch cushion of roughly the same age.
Researchers claim that at least five patients have died from liposuction.
A spokesperson for the Shop-Vac corporation has indicated that they "regret any injuries which may have occurred from our aggressive marketing campaign."
A Colombian condom-maker has created "crotchless panties with a rubber dam" for couples looking for some quickie sex without taking their underwear off.
Monologue Marketing tip: slap the Presidential Seal on it, and I know where you can sell a gross.
A tabloid photographer was sentenced to six months in a halfway house for eavesdropping on a cellular telephone call between Tom Cruise and his wife, Nicole Kidman.
There's a halfway house for eavesdropping? One-Adam-12, One-Adam-12: see Linda Tripp!
Two new books now claim Abraham Lincoln was gay.
In fact, during his most famous speech, he was wearing something known as "The Gettysburg Dress."
Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates is a proud father again after his wife, Melinda, gave birth to a baby boy, a spokesman for the computer software company said Monday.
Immediately after delivery, the baby was weighed, cleaned up, and bundled with Internet Explorer v 5.1.
According to Newsweek magazine, President Clinton has approved a top-secret plan to destabilize Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic, using computer hackers to attack his foreign bank accounts.
He has rejected, however, a plan to punish the tyrant by ordering many multi-topping delivery pizzas in his name.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
This is a true story — if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just
couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations and Craig]
———————————————————————————————————————
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page, Sharon, and Craig]
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR DOG HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A ROBOT DOG
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Sony recently announced that it will start selling a robot dog called AIBO in early July. The dog will cost about $2500 US, and we've parked a picture of the pup on our website for those of you who haven't seen it already (http://www.topfive.com).
15. No longer has any problem typing. In fact, he's posted naked pictures of your cat on the Web.
14. "Fetch!" "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."
13. Refuses to pee on Al Gore out of professional courtesy.
12. Playful "mailman's here" yap replaced by maniacal paw-flapping "Warning, Jim Rosenberg, Warning!"
11. Shorts out every time he licks himself.
10. After he's mangled in a terrible explosion, his one-armed torso still pursues the mailman.
9. Routinely kicks your sorry Mensa ass at chess.
8. When you fake throwing a ball for him to fetch, you hear, "Projectile Analysis Module reports error Division By Zero — Aborting!"
7. He not only chases cars, he catches them, drags them back, and buries them in the front yard.
6. Pages you when little Timmy falls down the old well.
5. Frequently eats documents left lying around the house, presses tail into phone jack, and leaves you with expensive long-distance phone bills to China.
4. Three words: "Yo quiero Pennzoil."
3. Telltale oil stains when he drags his butt across the carpet.
2. No longer wants to hump your leg, but your vacuum cleaner is pregnant.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Dog Has Been Replaced By a Robot Dog...
1. Run-in with the invisible fence makes for the greatest Fourth of July spectacle the town's ever seen.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE GUINNESS BEER HANDBOOK
[Thanks again to Craig]
• Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
• Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• Action: Rotate glass so the open end points toward ceiling.
• Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
• Fault: Improper bladder control.
• Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.
• Symptom: Guinness unusually pale and tasteless.
• Fault: Glass Empty.
• Action: Get someone to buy you another Guinness.
• Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
• Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
• Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
• Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
• Fault: You have fallen forward.
• Action: See above.
• Symptom: Guinness tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
• Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
• Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.
• Symptom: Floor blurred.
• Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
• Action: Get someone to buy you another Guinness.
• Symptom: Floor moving.
• Fault: You are being carried out.
• Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
• Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
• Fault: Bar has closed.
• Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
• Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
• Fault: Guinness consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
• Action: Cover mouth.
• Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
• Fault: You're dancing on the table.
• Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
• Symptom: Guinness is crystal clear.
• Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
• Action: Punch him.
• Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
• Fault: You have been in a fight.
• Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
• Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
• Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
• Action: See if they have free Guinness.
• Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
• Fault: The Guinness is too weak.
• Action: Have more Guinness until your voice improves.
• Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
• Fault: Guinness is just right.
• Action: Play air guitar.
THE TOP 12 DOWNSIDES TO BUYING SPERM OVER THE INTERNET
NOTE FROM CHRIS: A recent broadcast on National Public Radio mentioned that the Internet now has online sperm banks.
12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."
11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"
10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."
9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?
8. All of the "product" originates from Mort, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.
7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.
6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.
5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.
4. No way to know if what you're bidding on is new or refurbished.
3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.
2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Downside to Buying Sperm Over the Internet...
1. Now there's a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
DRIVE-THRU PSYCHOLOGY...
• Acura Integra: I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
• Acura Legend: I'm too bland for German cars.
• Acura NSX: I am impotent.
• Audi 90: I enjoy putting out engine fires.
• Buick Park Avenue: I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
• Cadillac Eldorado: I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
• Cadillac Seville: I am a pimp.
• Chevrolet Camaro: I enjoy beating up people.
• Chevrolet Chevette: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
• Chevrolet Corvette: I'm in a mid-life crisis.
• Chevrolet El Camino: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
• Chrysler Cordoba: I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
• Datsun 280Z: I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
• Dodge Dart: I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
• Dodge Daytona: I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
• Ford Fairmont: (See Dodge Dart).
• Ford Mustang: I slow down to 85 in school zones.
• Ford Crown Victoria: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them.
• Geo Storm: I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
• Geo Tracker: I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
• Honda del Sol: I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
• Honda Civic: I have just graduated and have no credit.
• Honda Accord: I lack any originality and am basically a lemon.
• Infiniti Q45: I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
• Isuzu Impulse: I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
• Jaguar XJ6: I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
• Kia Sephia: I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
• Lincoln Town Car: I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
• Mercury Grand Marquis: (See Lincoln Town Car).
• Mercedes 500SL: I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
• Mercedes 560SEL: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
• Mazda Miata: I do not fear being decapitated by an 18 wheeler.
• MGB: I am dating a mechanic.
• Mitsubishi Diamante: I don't know what it means either.
• Nissan 300ZX: I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
• Oldsmobile Cutlass: I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
• Peugeot 505 Diesel: I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
• Plymouth Neon: I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
• Pontiac Trans AM: I have a switchblade in my sock.
• Porsche 944: I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
• Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
• Saturn SC2: (See Honda Civic).
• Subaru Legacy: I have always wanted a Japanese car even more.
• Toyota Camry: I am still in the closet.
• Volkswagon Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
• Volkswagon Cabriolet: I am out of the closet.
• Volkswagon Microbus: I am tripping right now.
• Volvo 740 Wagon: I am frightened of my wife.
A "SHORT" HONEYMOON?
On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.
"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes."
THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ALEX TREBEK SAY
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Today's guest moderator is Dave Henry, arguably the oldest of the active Top 5 contributors. When not being verbally aroused by his cyber mistress, he indulges in ancient Hindu forms of self-gratification while listening to Kitaro.
10. "Yes, that's correct! President Quayle, you control the board."
9. "After this break, I'm heading next door to kick that rat bastard Sajak's ass."
8. "Better just put your buzzer down, Einstein, or you'll end up writing Merv a check."
7. "Today's categories are: Hookers, What's that Smell, Hurricane Names, Moronic Internet Humor Lists, and NRA Policies."
6. "You have all that money and knowledge, but you're still going home alone tonight, aren't you Geek-Boy?"
5. "Don't make me come over there and open a can of whupass on your overeducated head!"
4. "You can't buy a vowel here, you dumb ass!!!"
3. "Hey, has anyone seen my bong?"
2. "Sorry, but our new format says that you must phrase your answers in the form of a haiku."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing You Will Never Hear Alex Trebek say...
1. "I'm sorry, that's not correct; we're going to have to sever another finger."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 15 GOOD THINGS ABOUT DAVID DUKE
NOTE FROM CHRIS: David Duke, a Republican politician from Louisiana, is a former leader of the Ku Klux Klan and founder of the National Association for the Advancement of White People. He has managed to gather a small but loyal following because he "dares to speak the unvarnished truth about race".
Although Mr. Duke has been accused of being a narrow-minded racist and a world class bigot, Top5 decided to see what *else* lies beneath that cheerful, happy-go-lucky image.
15. THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
14. If he has 11 items, he won't get in the 10-item line. That's just the way he was raised.
13. Can spell "KKK" correctly 2 out of 3 times.
12. Fearlessly combats the forces of evil that have oppressed the Southern White Man for centuries.
11. Gives Pat Buchanan someone to call a crackpot.
10. Then: Poorly dressed, bile-spewing racist hate monger.
Now: Slightly better dressed.
9. Never have to worry about him cutting in front of you in the line for the latest Spike Lee movie.
8. Finally learned not to wear white after Labor Day.
7. Shows that any man with an opinion, a dream, and a little motivation can always find a few carfuls of idiots to vote for him.
6. The adorable way his nose wrinkles up when he explains why God hates homosexuals.
5. All things considered, listening to him is still slightly better than watching an "Old Navy" commercial.
4. Cries like a baby during Ally McBeal.
3. Has inspired millions with his book "Chicken Soup For The Racist Soul."
2. More than willing to give away his Lando Calryssian action figures.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Good Thing About David Duke...
1. Does a dead-on perfect Aretha Franklin impression in the shower.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
DANCING IN THE DARK
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.
"Where, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold," she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good Lord girl! Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"
AND YOU WERE WONDERING WHY SO MANY BUSINESSES FAIL...
[Thanks again to Craig]
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"MOUSE BALLS"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE
Austin was flying home and listening to the flight attendant do the "safety speech" thing. Since it was a red-eye, she said the cabin lights would be dimmed. "If you need additional light, note that pressing the button with the light will turn on your personal overhead light." Then, very serious, "Please also be aware that pushing the flight attendant button will NOT turn the flight attendant on."
Susie was playing some poker recently and laid down the winning hand. "One of my friends asked, 'How did you get four queens?' I replied, 'I hang around gay bars'."
Mel sent me a news item that AOL and IDG Worldwide books were going to start publishing a series of books called, "AOL For Dummies". I asked him, "Isn't that redundant?"
CRAIG'S QUICKIES
[Thanks again to Craig]
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Ahhh!"?
About three inches.
What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids.
Why can't Barbie hang out in the toy box with the other toys?
She keeps sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Lie to me, lie to me!"
If there were three wise women instead of three wise men, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts.
The Bible listed a woman's worth at 30 shekels and a man's worth at 50 shekels. A 1987 issue of "Money" magazine said that women earn 64 cents for every dollar a man earns. After thousands of years, the 3 to 5 ratio survives.
MATURE SEX
[Thanks again to Craig]
Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"
And, so they did. Afterward, as they were lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, If I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
GROWN-UPS...
[Thanks again to John]
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yes, my dick can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
THE *TRUE* SECRET OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, 'That's once'. We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice'. We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once...' "
THE BEST OF THE BEST OF BUMPER STICKERS SEEN IN NEW YORK CITY
[Thanks to John and Brad]
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
• Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
• Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• All men are idiots... I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
• Hang up and drive.
• JESUS SAVES ... He Passes It To Gretzky... Gretzky Shoots... He Scores!
• Grow your own dope, plant a man.
• Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Honk If You Want To See My Finger
