THE WEEKLY RIOT
Special "STAR WARS" Edition
May 20, 1999
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE "STAR WARS" WEEKOne scientist to another: "I'm beginning to agree with the theory that space is curved — either that or my car is pulling to the left. — Hoest and Reiner
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Copyright © 1999, Chris White
"STAR WARS" LINKS
EVAN'S STAR WARS CINEMA - A collection of fan-made movies starring some of the Star Wars action figures
POF Too!!! - This site presents opened (gasp!) action figures in sometimes humorous poses
Star Park - A Long time ago, Oh my God! You killed Kenobi.... - Star Wars meets the animation style of South Park...
Starfeld - Star Wars meets Seinfeld...
TheForce.net Presents - TROOPS - A Kevin Rubio Film - A parody of the show "Cops" with Stormtroopers
THE TOP 12 PICK-UP LINES USED BY "STAR WARS" FANS
12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?"
11. "Your place or my Mom's?"
10. "I... uh... ummm... I... uh... (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!"
9. "You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend."
8. "I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby."
7. "Date, or date not — there is no 'let's just friends be'."
6. "If you only knew the power of the Dork Side."
5. "How's about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?"
4. "Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is."
3. "Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places!"
2. "If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by "Star Wars" Fans...
1. "I'm gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A "STAR WARS" GEEK WHEN...
• When you pass out while trying to move a pencil across the desk with the Force.
• When you get jealous of Luke because his lightsaber is double the size of yours.
• You found this page with intentions of locating the Star Wars "Greek" club.
• If you get your head stuck in a bucket pretending your Darth Vader.
• With a blue-tinted plastic tube, a flashlight, two hours of a Saturday night, and 4 rolls of blue electrical tape, you finally complete your own working "Lightsaber".
• You put on a luminous colored condom and walk around humming, pretending you're a lightsaber.
• You name your right hand 'Leia'.
• You think you are the life of the party because you imitate Yoda's voice and have him say things a Jedi master wouldn't say.
• When you listen for Obi-Wan while attempting to parallel park.
• Your girlfriend is called "Jabba the Slut."
• You don't have any money to buy food or clothes but you have a kick-ass STAR WARS collection.
• When your girlfriend says you have a small dick and you say "You underestimate the power of the force."
• You find yourself getting beaten up for saying everyone's lines 2 seconds before they do in the theater
• You can't resist humming when you turn on a flashlight.
• After looking at your tiny dick you remember Yoda's saying, "Size matters not".
• The first thing you think of when you hear the words "hot, wet and horny" is a sweating bantha.
• During sex, you're still rearranging the figures on your shelf.
• You go to Star Wars conventions with the sole purpose of getting laid.
• You have a tan line from your Darth Vader helmet.
• When your stuck doing fucking 'yoga' classes because of a misprint on the advertisement
THE TOP 11 SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN WAITING ON LINE TOO LONG FOR "STAR WARS" TICKETS
11. That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman."
10. Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your light saber," if you know what I mean.
9. Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment.
8. We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo?
7. A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one.
6. When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation.
5. Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater.
4. The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II."
3. Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.
2. The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Been Waiting on Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets...
1. Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 10 THINGS BILL CLINTON WOULD SAY IF HE WERE IN "STAR WARS"
10. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."
9. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"
8. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military...
7. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."
6. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."
5. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."
4. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away — and I'm still a lyin' weasel."
3. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac — not excuses."
2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here — you might want to take off your top."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars"...
1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE REAL "PHANTOM MENACE"
14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets.
13. Somehow, R2D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.
12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.
11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.
10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest."
9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.
8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or Queen Ches-Ti Ho.
7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer — arms outstretched — shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative.
6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"
5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!
4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."
3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.
2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"...
1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
SEXUAL "STAR WARS" TRILOGY LINES
STAR WARS
• 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'
• 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
• 'Look at the size of that thing!'
• 'Sorry about the mess...'
• 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
• 'Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?'
• 'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
• 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
• 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
• 'Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
• 'She's fast enough for you, old man.'
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
• 'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?'
• 'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'
• 'Hurry up, golden-rod..'
• 'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
• 'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
• 'Possible, he came through the south entrance.'
• 'But now we must eat, Come...good food, come...'
• 'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
• 'Control, control, you must learn control!'
RETURN OF THE JEDI
• 'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
• 'Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.'
• 'You're a jittery little thing aren't you?'
• 'In time you will call me master.'
• 'A little higher, just a little higher.'
• 'I never knew I had it in me.'
• 'Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy...'
• 'Hey, point that thing someplace else!'
• 'What could possibly have come over Master Luke?'
• 'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
THE TOP SURPRISES IN THE NEW RE-MASTERED "STAR WARS"
• 'New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
• 'The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
• 'Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe... hehe... she said, 'Lay ya.'"
• 'During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2-D2's special attachment.
• 'Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
• 'He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
• 'Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Leia on the knee with a lightsaber.
• 'Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
• 'Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
• 'Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
• 'New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
• 'The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
• 'Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
• 'Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian.
• 'Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas.
• 'Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy.
• 'Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin.
• 'Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
• 'Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather.
• 'Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies.
• 'New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons.
• 'R2D2? Gay.
THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY "STAR WARS" CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE "STAR TREK" UNIVERSE
10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an antimatter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just R2D2 and a Wookie.
8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After enduring Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7. One word: lightsabers.
6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2. The Federation would have to interrupt whatever it's doing just to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
And the number one reason ...
1. Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
EVERYTHING I'VE EVER LEARNED, I'VE LEARNED FROM "STAR WARS"...
• Never trust men in dark helmets.
• It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
• Get some travel information before heading off to a place that you have never even heard of.
• When all else fails... jump!
• Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal.
• If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you.
• Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved with, they may be your relatives.
• Never declare that there is "nothing to stop [you] this time."
• If your vehicle is being rammed, ducking doesn't help much
• THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!
• Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless you can prove you're a god.
• Scoundrels kiss better than nice guys.
• Never call someone "scruffy looking".
• Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy.
• Never judge anything by its size.
• Always let a Wookie win.
• Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it.
• Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you.
• In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy
• If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them
• Watch your hands when swordfighting.
• Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem.
• Electricity really *hurts*.
• When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure the door's completely open before going through it.
• Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid.
• It's not wise to upset a Wookie.
• Sometimes it's better to fly into an asteroid field.
• You never know what a day is gonna bring....
• When in doubt, follow the garbage
• Size matters not (now there's one you can use in real life!)
• Be prepared for things to go wrong.
• Never trust a strange computer.
• You'll always have a bad feeling about something.
• Don't park in asteroids.
• Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens.
• If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him.
• Guys in black are bad guys.
• Guys in white can also be bad guys (in this case, they are called stormtroopers).
• Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they will always cause you trouble.
• Young men should be wary of getting involved with crazy, old hermits who like to be called "Master."
• After toppling an altruistic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through.
• Whining about power converters makes you look like an idiot.
• Don't go chasing falling meteors.
• Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used.
• When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea.
• Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots then imperial stormtroopers.
• Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it.
• I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!!!
• If all else fails, angle the deflector shields.
• Cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal popularity
