THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 14, 1999
"Trusting someone doesn't necessarily mean he's trustworthy."
"A fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday."
"Temptation resisted is a true measure of character."
— Unknown Authors
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
He had all of the qualities of a dog except loyalty. — Frank Becker
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. — Unknown
Sometimes I wonder if I talked myself into loving him because he was such a great guy, or if I really did love him and have just talked myself into believing that I didn't. Then I think, "Who cares! I got a lot of free movies and meals out of it!" — Heather Melton
Guns don't kill people. But people who kill people sure seem to like guns an awful lot. — Jim Rosenberg
It's important to pay close attention in school — for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter. — Damon R. Milhem
Birds of a feather flock together. Then they all get sucked into the engine of the same jet liner. — Meghan Skinner
When I see a jogger, I swerve my car towards him and pretend I passed out while I was driving. I miss him at the last minute, but I bet it adds some excitement to his workout. — Chris Smith
You know how much damage my car would take if I slowly and repeatedly ran over a Spice Girl? Who cares? It would be worth it. — Dianna Hill
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
In a finding that has perplexed Duke University researchers, women appear to wake up almost twice as fast as men when general anesthesia is discontinued after surgery.
Apparently, they've been faking unconsciousness too.
Lawyers on Tuesday questioned dozens of prospective jurors who may have to watch as many as 40 hours of XXX-rated videos in the obscenity trial of Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt.
The presiding Judge has rejected offers by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to provide "scholarly assistance."
Microsoft has bought a multi-billion dollar stake in AT&T.
Be prepared for the need to hang up your phone and call again for no reason.
China has demanded an official apology for the bombing of its embassy in Belgrade.
Relying on an old defense, President Clinton would only say NATO "did not blow the Embassy" as *he* defines the word "blow."
A recent telephone poll of 500 Americans over age 25 reveals that 85% are willing to discuss sexual problems with their physicians, but many expressed a fear of embarrassment over their questions.
The names of these cowardly perverts will be posted online.
Twenty-five San Diego State University business students got an "F" for cheating in an Ethics class.
That's the bad news. The good news is they were given full "A+" transfer credits for "Modern Political Science."
National Geographic is teaming up with Fox and NBC to lay the groundwork for a cable network in the United States.
"The Mammary Channel."
ABC's veteran "20/20" anchor Hugh Downs Wednesday announced plans to retire in September.
Barbara Walters said, "We weewee wish Hugh a witch and weewarding weetirement."
After spending nearly seven years in prison Amy Fisher, the "Long Island Lolita" has been granted parole.
She plans to learn how to skate, and join Tonya Harding for a national tour of "Vice Capades"!
John Wayne Bobbitt pleaded guilty to stealing clothing from a store in Nevada.
Shoplifting was all he had left. He's already had 50% off.
"The Mummy" was released this weekend in theaters across the nation. It's the story of a tightly-wrapped freakish-looking corpse which comes alive and scares people.
In other words, "The Michael Jackson Story".
A new research study finds that *peanut butter* is an aphrodisiac.
Details are available in this month's Journal of the American Medical Association article, "*Choosy Mothers Choose Jiff!*"
Oregon has passed a law which imposes a $2500 fine for tossing urine-filled bottles out of trucks.
I don't think I want to know the reason for this law, but I know I'm not letting my kids make the "honk your horn" motion in Oregon.
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
ASK SLICK SHARKY, ESQ.
Attorney at Raw
Probe legal correspondent, Slick Sharky, Esq., has been away at a symposium on gun control. Here's an excerpt of the proceedings:
Slick: It says a "well-regulated militia," chariot boy. What don't you get?
Charlton: I don't get who you are or what you're doing here topless and oiled up with sunscreen.
Slick: Mix up with the travel agent. I thought this was about access to sun, not guns. No matter. You gonna answer me?
Charlton: The government has no right to restrict gun sales. Read the amendment.
Slick: I did, Spartacus, and so has the Supreme Court. Here's what they said in Lewis v. U.S., 445 U.S. 55, 65 n.8 (1980): "The Second Amendment guarantees no right to keep and bear a firearm that does not have 'some reasonable relationship to the preservation or efficiency of a well-regulated militia." Can someone get me a daiquiri?
Charlton: I wasn't Spartacus; I was Moses.
Slick: Whatever. Say, does your wife ever suffer from burning bush?
Charlton: I'd shoot you right now if I had a gun with me.
Slick: Good thing you're blocking re-enactment of the Brady Law waiting period, otherwise you might have time to calm down. Hey, you in the front; fire off a warning shot at the waitress, okay?
Charlton: Listen you idiot, how are law-abiding citizens to protect themselves if they can't buy unlicensed automatic weapons at gun shows as often as they like? Huh?
Slick: Band together into mass organizations of like-minded survivalists and terrorize any attacker with a flood of postcards and financial contributions? And while I'm here, let me just say on behalf of the Bar, lawyers don't sue people, people sue people. We just profit from it. Who do I have to shoot to get a daiquiri?!
(Jonathan Colan absolutely refuses to rub sunscreen on Slick Sharky's back, even if it were billable.)
The Daily Probe wishes it to be known that only Slick Sharky is responsible for the views expressed here, so please don't shoot Chris, Peter, or Jonathan. Slick, however, is available to be shot at the Camden, N.J. Gun and Margarine Show this weekend.
———————————————————————————————————————Firebringer News Service (FBNS) — Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.
EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
[Thanks to Joe — LAWYERtoB's Looking for Ms. Right Page ]
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
"The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head ]
K-9 UNIT (TRUE BLONDE STORY)
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde-haired women was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
FOR WOMEN ONLY — "THE *REAL* RULES"
[Thanks to Deborah]
• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don't imagine you can change a man — unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men — so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you're not his type — you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
• The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his penis. (ROFLOL — Then who would be left????)
• Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
• Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
THE LOWEST-RATED JERRY SPRINGER SHOW EVER
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page ]
• Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
• Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show. (Todd enters from backstage)
• Jerry: Hello, Todd.
• Todd: Hi, Jerry.
• Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
• Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it's been nothing but fighting ever since.
• Jerry: Why is that?
• Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multifaceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.
• Crowd: Ooooohhhh!
• Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
• Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
• Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we're through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn't believe I exist.
• Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula! (Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd)
• Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer! (She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.)
• Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!
• Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don't try to deny it!
• Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative: "You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula." and "Post-structuralism is just classical skeptical thought recast in the language of semiotics, Ursula."
• Crowd: Booo! Booo!
• Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?
• Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and describing the sub-altern!
• Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it's like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It's terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That's why we never do it any more.
• Crowd: Wooooo!
• Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn't decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?
• Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
• Ursula: It's true!
• Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make! (Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.)
• Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist, is that right?
• Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.
• Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
• Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...
• Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him. (Crowd hushes)
• Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...
• Louis: I love you, too, Tina.
• Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but...well, I just want to tell you I've been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don't think I can agree with your egalitarian politics any more.
• Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
• Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40's.
• Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't ignore the contradiction any longer!
• Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you? Didn't you?
• Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!
• Louis: (sobbing) I couldn't help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!
• Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out... Victor! (Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.)
• Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!
• Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!
• Victor: Herd animal!
• Louis: Lackey! (Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.)
• Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.
• Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche's doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn't that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with the fundamental principles of existentialism?
• Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It's a question of Becoming, not Being.
• Audience member: That's just disguised essentialism! You're no existentialist!
• Tina: I am so!
• Audience member: You're no existentialist!
• Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!
• Ursula: (stands and interjects) What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir! (Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.)
• Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
• Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, bitch!
• Tina: You the bitch!
• Ursula: No, you the bitch!
• Tina: Whatever! Whatever!
• Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us! (Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.)
• Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and say that I hope you're able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship. (turns to the camera)
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we're reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It's not pretty. If you're in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it's time to move on. Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence.
After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves — and each other.
• Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer!
THE TOP 12 DIFFERENCES IF ALL MOTHERS WERE LAWYERS
12. All baby girls are named Sue.
11. "If it doesn't fit, you'll grow into it."
10. Favorite bedtime story: Goldilocks and the Tortious Misappropriation of Personal Property Belonging to the Plaintiffs (referred to herein as "The Three Bears").
9. Perfectly acceptable to assert your Fifth Amendment rights when she asks what you're doing in the bathroom so long.
8. You *do* have to clean your room, and she *will* make a federal case out of it.
7. "Your honor, opposing counsel never calls, he never writes!"
6. Finding out there is no sanity clause.
5. "And when I get home I want your room... wait, did you hear an ambulance?!?"
4. Ally McBeal wouldn't be allowed to leave the courthouse cafeteria until she eats everything on her plate.
3. "Habeas your corpus back in this house right now, you little tortfeasor!"
2. "...If I should die before I wake; Mommy'll sue your ass for negligence. Amen."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if All Mothers Were Lawyers...
1. "May I approach the witness? He's got a little schmutz on his face."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF...
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
• You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear. . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle."
A BEAR, A RABBIT AND A FROG
[Thanks again to Craig]
A bear and a rabbit are walking together in the woods and they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet other creatures, but when he does he gives them 6 wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female, which the frog immediately does. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish — he asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well, and thus it is so!
The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, he makes his final wish — that all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit revs up the engine, thinks for a second, and then says, "I wish all the bears were gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can.
THE TOP 15 SIGNS THE TERM PAPER YOU BOUGHT WON'T GET AN "A"
15. The title: "Oppenheimer, the Atom and 25 Reasons Elton John can KISS MY ASS."
14. You're pretty sure Einstein was never called "Alberto" by the friendly townspeople who worked at his large, Italian winery.
13. Watermark on each page: "As Seen On TV!"
12. Even with four-inch tall letters, it's hard to fill five pages with a haiku.
11. Somehow, "Today's Soviet Union: The Triumph of Central Economic Planning" just doesn't *sound* right.
10. Caligula is not one of the "Italian Pastas That Made the Migration West".
9. The bibliography includes a photocopy of your check.
8. "Nucleic Protein Staining of Dyed Polyethylene Fibers: Why Tide Just Won't Work" by M. Lewinsky
7. The author had to switch to green crayon on page two when his red crayon broke.
6. "What can I get for $5? OK, uh, what can I get for $5.50?"
5. It was only worth a "C+" ten years ago when your professor wrote it for *his* philosophy class.
4. Your thesis on "The Anarchist's Cookbook" could have been as effective without the live demonstration.
3. Twenty-five pages of "All work and no play makes Jim a dull boy" is just plain scary.
2. "Bug-eyed and Butt Ugly" is probably not the best title for an analysis of Emily Dickinson.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the Term Paper You Bought Won't Get an "A"...
1. "In Search of the Male Multiple Orgasm: A Personal Odyssey"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
THE TOP 13 PREGNANCY WORRIES OF XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS
Note from Chris: Actress Lucy Lawless, star of TV's "Xena: Warrior Princess," is pregnant and expecting a baby in October.
13. Won't be able to see close-approaching short bandits.
12. Studio may not grant her use of the trademarked "Xena Yell" during childbirth.
11. Pre-Mycenaean Thrace still won't recognize adoption by same-sex couples.
10. Choosing the nursery's theme: Animal hides or the scalps of conquered enemies?
9. The child might come out too much "Princess" and not enough "Warrior."
8. HMO plan only covers 50% of "squatting in forest with midwife" fees.
7. Ol' Zeus might be a little jealous of Junior playing on Mt. Olympus, if you know what I mean.
6. Only defense against pre-dawn attacks? Projectile vomit!
5. Keeps forgetting whether horseback child seats face forwards or backwards.
4. Will they have attractive Warrior Princess maternity clothes at PregnantAmazon.Com?
3. Who delivers Ram's Head Pudding at 3 AM?
2. The 12-month waiting list at Mt. Olympus Day Care.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pregnancy Worry of Xena, Warrior Princess...
1. Great! Yet another whiny deadweight to protect from constant danger!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
JOIN NOW!!! ONLY ON AOL — 100 FREE HOURS OF CYBERSEX!!!
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
• AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
• Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
• AOL: Okay sir, what's your question?
• Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called
"cybersex"... does this cost extra?
• AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well, sir... I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
• Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
• AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
• Caller: Hmmmm... I don't understand, what is cybersex??
• AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
• Caller: Hmmm... well, have you ever had cybersex?
• AOL: Sir, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
• Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
• AOL: That's okay sir, anything else?
• Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
• AOL: Go ahead...
• Caller: What are you wearing?
• AOL: (Click)
THE TOP 10 THINGS AMY FISHER WILL MISS MOST ABOUT PRISON
10. Those conjugal visits with her cellmate's husband.
9. Mesmerizing the prison literature society with her emotional readings from Nabikov.
8. Bitch-slapping anyone who calls her "Lolita."
7. Not having to shave her legs for the last few years.
6. Making license plates much more fun than working at McDonald's.
5. Shower sing-a-longs of "Summer Love" from "Grease."
4. Ability to keep Bill Clinton at bay with the "solitary confinement" excuse.
3. Prison Gap store accepts Marlboros as payment.
2. Hysterical prison humor:
Amy Fisher wh[BANG!]
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Amy Fisher Will Miss Most About Prison...
1. Prison guards satisfy her unquenchable thirst for 40-something out of shape losers.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF OBSERVATION...
A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details.
To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced, "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking, "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."
The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying, "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"