THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 30, 1999
Love is a flame which burns in heaven,
and whose soft reflections radiate to us.
Two worlds are opened, two lives given to it.
It is by love that we double our being...
— Aimee Martin
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. —
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees... — Meredith Brooks
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. — Unknown
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. — Mae West
Macho does not prove mucho. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
If a man watches 3 football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. — Erma Bombeck
Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
— Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? — Rita Rudner
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
I married beneath me. All women do. — Lady Nancy Astor (First woman member of the British Parliament)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
Hey! I wear the plants in this family! — Eve, to Adam
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up. — Unknown
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
AT LAST... A FEAR OF COMMITMENT WOMEN CAN FINALLY UNDERSTAND
In June, 1992, town councilors in Hearst, Ontario, ended the long-time tradition of requiring prospective bridegrooms to be locked in cages in the center of town, on public display. The tradition usually goes no further than allowing the townspeople to throw eggs and tomatoes at the men for a price in part to help the couple get started financially but a few years ago, in an extreme case, one man was given an enema with a grease gun. Local clergy advised the councilors that some men so fear the prospect that they decline marriage altogether.
—————————————————————BENT BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY AWARD (Oslo, Norway) — A Norwegian woman is using the cleavage between her breasts as a nest to help incubate an abandoned bird's egg. Anne-Mette Smette, a 58-year-old former hospital midwife, reckons the speckled green and brown egg should hatch in several weeks time. She aims to keep it in her cleavage, even when sleeping at night, to keep it warm. In a side story, her husband, Knut, is under instructions not to touch her breasts for fear of cracking the egg. "Now it's look but don't touch," he said. (Reuters)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
BURNING QUESTIONS ANSWERED BY MEN...
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Q. What's a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Q. What do you call a Playboy centerfold who's a lesbian?
Q. Why did God make man first?
A. He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. Why can't you trust women?
A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
RITA RUDNER ON MEN
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've already experienced pain and have bought jewelry.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause — you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
HOW MEN SAY GOODBYE — THE 90's WAY
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
______ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly overqualified for the position.
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
25 RULES TO HELP WOMEN UNDERSTAND MEN
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up... don't come tell us about it. Put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to... expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Some times, we're not thinking about you.
6. We're *never* thinking about "the relationship".
7. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different — it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than any cats.
9. Sunday = sports.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you have to, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No... we don't know what day it is. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says "I love you!" like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
25 RULES TO HELP MEN UNDERSTAND WOMEN
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different — it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair — face it.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ball caps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one — we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask, "Are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says, "I love you," like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying, "how 'bout getting me a cold one," is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling, "I've got to get some sleep," does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me, you wouldn't have to ask.
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT VENUSIAN MANUAL
[Thanks to Craig for some of these]
• She is not: A BABE OR A CHICK
• She is: A BREASTED AMERICAN
• She is not: A BLEACHED BLONDE
• She is: PEROXIDE DEPENDENT
• She is not: A BAD COOK
• She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
• She does not get: DRUNK
• She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
• You do not ask her: TO DANCE
• You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
• She is not: A GOSSIP
• She is: A VERBAL TERMINATOR
• She does not: HAVE A GREAT BUTT
• She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
• She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
• She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
• She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
• She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
• She does not: GAIN WEIGHT
• She is: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
• She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
• She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
• She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
• She: EXPERIENCES TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
• Her breasts will never: SAG
• They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
• She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
• She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
• She does not: CUT YOU OFF
• She: BECOMES HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
• She does not: HAVE BIG HAIR
• She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
• She is not: HALF-NAKED
• She is: WARDROBE IMPAIRED
• She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH JEWELRY
• She is: METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED
• She is not: CONCEITED
• She is: INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES
• She does not: WANT TO BE MARRIED
• She: WANTS TO LOCK YOU IN DOMESTIC INCARCERATION
• She does not: GAIN WEIGHT
• She is: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
• She is not: EASY
• She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
• She does not: TEASE OR FLIRT
• She: ENGAGES IN ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION
• She is not: DUMB
• She is: A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
• She is not: SKINNY
• She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
• She does not: HAVE A MUSTACHE
• She is: IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
• She does not: HATE TELEVISED SPORTS
• She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
• She has not: BEEN AROUND
• She is: A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
• She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME
• She: COMMITS FRAGRANCE ABUSE
• She does not: GET YOU EXCITED
• She: CAUSES TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT
• She is not: KINKY
• She is a: NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION
• She does not: HAVE A KILLER BODY
• She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
• She does not: GO SHOPPING
• She is: MALL FLUENT
• She is not: AN AIRHEAD
• She is: REALITY IMPAIRED
• She does not: GET DRUNK OR TIPSY
• She gets: CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
• She does not: GET FAT OR CHUBBY
• She: ACHIEVES MAXIMUM DENSITY
• She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
• She is: THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE
• She is not: HORNY
• She is: SEXUALLY FOCUSED
• She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
• She: HAS REACHED COSMETIC SATURATION
• She does not: HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS
• She is: GRAVITY RESISTANT
• She does not: NAG YOU
• She: BECOMES ORALLY REPETITIVE
(This was originally "verbally repetitive", but AOL's spell-check suggested replacing "verbally" with "orally" in order to "express my meaning more precisely", and it was just too damned good to pass up.... ROFLOL)
• She is not: A SLUT
• She is: SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
• She is not: LOOSE
• She is: MORALLY IMPAIRED
• She does not: HAVE MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS
• She is: PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
• She does not have: SEXY LIPS
• She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
• She does not: GET PMS
• She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
• She is not: A BAD DRIVER
• She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
• She does not: SNORE
• She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
• She does not: GET DRUNK
• She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT MARTIAN MANUAL
[Thanks again to Craig]
• He does not: HAVE A BEER GUT
• He has: DEVELOPED A LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
• He is not: A BAD DANCER
• He is: OVERLY CAUCASIAN
• He is not: QUIET
• He is: A CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
• He is not: STUPID
• He: SUFFERS FROM MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT
• He does not: GET LOST ALL THE TIME
• He: INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
• He is not: BALDING
• He is: IN FOLLICULAR REGRESSION
• He is not: A CRADLE ROBBER
• He: PREFERS GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
• He does not: GET FALLING-DOWN DRUNK
• He: BECOMES ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
• He does not: ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS
• He: DEVELOPS A CASE OF RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
• He is not: SHORT
• He is: ANATOMICALLY COMPACT
• He does not: HAVE A RICH DADDY
• He is: A RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION
• He does not: CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS
• He: HAS A VEHICULAR ADDICTION
• He is not: UNSOPHISTICATED
• He is: SOCIALLY MALFORMED
• He does not: EAT LIKE A PIG
• He: SUFFERS FROM REVERSE BULIMIA
• He is not: A SEX MACHINE
• He is: ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
• He does not: HOG THE BLANKETS
• He is: THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
• He is not: A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG
• He has: SWINE EMPATHY
• He does not: UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES
• He: HAS AN INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT
• He is not: AFRAID OF COMMITMENT
• He is: MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
In the world of romance, men need to adhere to one simple rule: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects — sorry, that's the way the game is played.
You stay by her side the entire party = 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy = -2
Named Tiffany = -4
Tiffany is a dancer = -6
Tiffany has implants = -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly = +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump = -5
When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you = +1
When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed = -6
That woman is her sister = -90
You have one drink, and that's it = 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle = -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted = -18
You go to the mall together =+3
You go to the mall, drop her off in front, then park the car = +4
Then drive to a sports bar = -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it = +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional = 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk = +3
Most of it chips and beer = -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den = +15
Or refinishing the floors = +19
Or rewiring the basement = +21
Or adding a second floor = +25
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket = -6
You visit her parents = +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation = +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television = -3
And the television is off = -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear -6
And you didn't even go to the college = -10
Drinking beer = -12
And it's not your underwear = -15
You take her out to dinner = 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar = +1
Okay, it is a sports bar = -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night = -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team = -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player = +3
You get up and sing = +4
And you stink = +2
And you're not half bad = +5
You sing an AC/DC song, and you're escorted out to much applause = -2
You give her a gift = 0
It's a power tool = -20
It's a small appliance = -10
It's not a small appliance = +1
It's not a chocolate = +2
A gift that you'll be paying off for months = +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day = -10
With her credit card = -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big = -40
And you leave the sale price on = -50
You forget her birthday completely = -10
You forget your anniversary = -20
You forget to pick her up at the airport = -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey = -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast = -50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal = -5
And the pal is happily married = -4
Or frighteningly single = -7
And he drives a Trans Am = -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) = -15
You have a few beers = -5
And miss curfew by an hour = -10
You get home at 3 am = -20
Smelling of booze and cheap cigars = -30
And not wearing any pants = -40
Is that a tattoo??? = -200
A Night Out
You take her to a movie = +2
You take her to a movie she likes = +4
To a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) = +6
To a movie you like = -2
It's called DeathCop 3 = -7
Which features cyborgs having sex = -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and dogs = -15
When asked how she looks, you reply, "fine" or "nice" = 0
You reply, "beautiful" or "gorgeous" = +5
You said anything without being asked = +10
You notice something she did special, (hair, nails, eyelashes) = +15
You mention you like her new hairdo = +15
She says she had that done last week = -10
You buy her flowers only when it's expected = 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it = +5
You can actually name a few of them = +8
You can name all of them, because you hand selected them = +10
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself = +10
And she contracts Lyme disease = -25
You develop a potbelly = 0
You develop a noticeable potbelly = -10
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it = +10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts = -25
You lose the directions on a trip = -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost = -10
You refuse to ask for directions = 0
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town = -15
You meet the locals up close and personal = -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt = -60
When she wants to talk about a problem = -5
(Sensitive things always start with a deficit)
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression = 0
She realized the TV is on behind her = -10
You listen, for over 30 minutes = +5
More than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV = +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep = -10
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" = -5
(Sensitive things always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding = -10
You pretend you didn't hear = -12
You reply, "Where?" = -25
You reply, "Compared to what?" = -30
You reply, "But I like you that way" = -35
You reply, "Not for your age" = -40
MARTIAN AND VENUSIAN GROOMING RITUALS
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
• Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
• Turn on the hot water only.
• Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
• Look for facecloth, washcloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
• Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
• Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
• Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
• Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
• Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
• Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of hot water.
• Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
• Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
• Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
• Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
• Turn on the water.
• Check for pecs again. (no)
• Get in the shower.
• Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
• Wash your face.
• Wash your armpits.
• Wash your penis and surrounding area.
• Wash your ass.
• Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
• Make a shampoo Mohawk.
• Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
• Rinse off and get out of the shower.
• Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy."
It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out.