May 7, 1999

If You are Patient in One Moment of Anger,
You will Avoid One Hundred Days of Sorrow.

Chinese Proverb


The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

Honolulu it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. Ken Dodd

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. James Holt McGavran



Memo to Pete Townshend: Hey, Pete, about that "hope I die before I get old" thing? Too late!

'Tis a gift to be simple. But not the kind my wife expected for our anniversary.

Guns don't kill people, pit bulls kill people. No, wait I always mess this up...

After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them.

My wife is constantly nagging me. It's always "get a job" this, and "get out of your pajamas" that. Don't fence me in, woman!

My wife says I'm not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother?

My wife says I'm too into the X-Files. Dammit! They've gotten to her!

They say "You can never go home again," and I guess that's probably true, at least until the restraining order runs out.

Copyright 1999, Chris White


Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is so clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now... Feeling better?

I am...



--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright 1999, by SodaMail

I DO BELIEVE! Richmond, Va. A pair of 5-foot Styrofoam slippers which Theater IV had been using to advertise its performances of The Wizard of Oz disappeared. The shoes had been stolen from their home high atop the theater's marquee. "Believe it or not, the detectives found a trail of shoe glitter leading from the theater to one of the thieves apartments," police spokeswoman Christie Collins said Tuesday. Three people were charged with grand larceny and felony vandalism. (USA Today)

WHY 2K? W.Va. The SEC asked Ralph Hinzman how his mutual funds business planned to become Y2K compliant. He told the Securities and Exchange Commission his small operation didn't have a computer. Hinzman, 87, has been selling mutual funds since 1948. He runs his business with his daughter from his home and doesn't see the need for a computer. "You make a check out to the fund, I put a stamp on it and send it in," Hinzman said. "How complicated is that? Why do I need a computer?" When the SEC sent Hinzman a 17-page form to fill out, he wrote "not applicable, we don't have a computer" on the form and sent it back. SEC spokesman Tim Warner said Hinzman's response was "not sufficient". Hinzman was fined $5,000 for failing to adequately respond to the survey. Hinzman paid his fine and turned over a second Y2K form to his daughter to fill out this month. (USA Today)
...Our tax dollars at work

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT Acting on a warning from her priest in Fortaleza, Brazil, in November, unemployed maid Maria Benoiza Nascimento, 39, burned a winning $60,000 lottery ticket because she feared going to hell. Nascimento's husband is unemployed, and four of their seven children are seriously ill, but her Assembly of God minister told her not to take "the devil's" money...
I might have risked it.

Copyright 1999, Jim Rosenberg

According to Aileen Atwood, author of the new book "Husbands Who Love Men," as many as 1 out of 7 married men are secretly having gay affairs and their wives haven't a clue.
Helpful hint: he's reading "Men are from Mars, Other Men are from Venus".

According to a new Reuters poll, Vice President Al Gore is leading former New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley by 17 percentage points in New Hampshire.
Or, to put it more simply: *_The bland leading the bland_*.

NASA and Lockheed Martin have completed negotiations for a $625.6 million contract to build 60 lightweight external tanks for the Space Shuttle.
The aerospace firm will be able to capitalize on economies of scale by modifying these same tanks for use as Vodka Storage Modules (VSM's) on the Mir.

Magazine ads featuring female fashion models with perfect bodies have an immediate negative impact on a woman's self-esteem, according to a University of Toronto study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders.
They also have an *_immediate positive_* effect on men, according to a study I *_just now conducted_*.

The New York Times says it wants to discourage young people from smoking and will no longer accept cigarette advertising.
This seems pretty hypocritical, because they want to encourage people to vote, yet they still cover Congress.

The earliest known modern tree was an extinct plant that lived about 370 million years ago, a team of international botanists said Wednesday.
Or, as Al Gore calls it, "Great Great Great Great Grandpa."

Opening in 2000, Discovery Cove theme park, part of the SeaWorld chain, will charge $150 to get in.
There's nothing in there, but for $25, you can look inside and see the world's richest morons in their natural habitat.

Researchers say that contraceptives have much higher failure rates in the 'real world' than in clinical trials, indicating improper use as the reason for many of these failures.
All right, listen up people. I'm going to say this for the last time. Three words: *_Do Not Inflate_*.

Safety inspectors found a potentially hazardous level of Legionnaires' bacteria in the congressional facility that supplies heating and cooling to the Capitol.
Fortunately, it is only spread by air. If it was spread by sexual contact, the entire Congress would be infected by now.

Florida wildlife officials warn that the state's one million alligators are on the prowl for mates and food.
Fortunately, the elite Spring Break Unit is trained for these exact same circumstances.

The parents of a 13-year-old New Jersey boy learned that their son has placed several bids totaling more than $1 million over the last month on eBay.
He is believed to be the owner of the world's only $1 million *Hanson Rulz!* poster.

A scientist at the University of Mississippi Medical Center has demonstrated that two types of brain cells are abnormal in the brains of people who suffered from clinical depression.
You can read all about it in his paper, "Anatomy of a Bummer."


NOTE FROM THE GODDESS: For those of you who've ever wondered what it feels like to have a "blonde moment", here's your chance...

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?  Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!  Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times.

When you get it, you'll feel like a blonde... LOL

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. "How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. "You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...
Then you'll see what it's like."

[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head and John]

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch. Hercules says, "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules says, "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest."

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Linda Tripp?"

(Of course *I* rarely suffer "blonde moments" like these... lol)


1. Download a piece of Web authoring software 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3E10" 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps eternity.


13. Has already picked his live-in, Melody, as his "Secretary of Dreams".
12. Instead of old fashioned whistle-stop campaign, wants to go "truckin'."
11. "Building a Bong to the 21st... whatever."
10. Typical debate rejoinder: "Whoa. You're harshing my mellow."
9. "Inhaled? Shit, I toked righteously!"
8. Claims that, 150 years before he invented the Internet, he invented patchouli.
7. His explanation why he never registered for the draft: "I spaced."
6. Interrupts debate with charges that his opponent is "bogarting the microphone".
5. Giggles uncontrollably when someone says "acid rain".
4. Breaks into a 20-minute-long, incomprehensible ramble in the middle of every speech.
3. Can't spell "potato"; CAN spell "ganja."
2. Freely admits inhaling. Adamantly denies bogarting.

    and's Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate is a Deadhead...

1. He actually *likes* spending years traveling around the country with the same act, distributing buttons, t-shirts, and tapes.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White


After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

[Thanks to Joe LAWYERtoB's Looking for Ms. Right Page ]

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp, only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!"

"Honey, let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a "

"Speaking of sneaky," he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!!"


NOTE FROM CHRIS: For our readers not living in the USA, the National Rifle Association (or NRA) is an organization which vigorously supports the notion that all adult Americans except "convicted violent criminals" have the right to own handguns and rifles.

That was diplomatic, wasn't it? I didn't even mention all those gun-related deaths we have every year in this country!

(Care to debate the gun control issue? I don't, so don't bother writing.)

14. Impressing Jodi Foster 101
13. Releasing Stress By Blowing Away Defenseless Animals: A Primer
12. Paramilitary Chicks and How To Nail 'Em
11. Membership Drive 2000: Got Nutz?
10. Self Defense: Fleeing From Difficult Questions, Parts 1 - 20
9. Knife-Throwing, Archery, and Axe-Wielding: Staying Occupied During that Pesky 7-Day Waiting Period
8. Speed Reading and the Second Amendment
7. Sports Hunting with Semiautomatic Weapons, Like the Founding Fathers Intended
6. The Law and You: How to Kick a Liberal Pansy's Ass Legally!
5. Do Guns Kill People, Or Do People Kill People? Who The Hell Cares, Let's Go Shoot Something!
4. Corvettes and Wife Abuse: Other Ways to Compensate for Your Small Penis
3. Trigger Locks, Seatbelts, Fluoridated Water and Other Communist Plots
2. Hollow Points: Analyzing the NRA Charter

     and's Number 1 Seminar Topic at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention...

1. *Really* Concealed Weapons: You'll Get My Gun When You Pry It from My Cold, Dead Rectum


NOTE FROM CHRIS: You may remember that on Tuesday, Top5 did a list of "Seminar Topics at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention." As expected, I received hundreds of messages, mostly from angry gun owners, and I ended up debating the issue with dozens of people. I felt like General Custer (sans gun, of course).

Today's list was culled from the responses to the NRA list. A more detailed sampling of the responses can be found on our website:

(Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.)

15. Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.
14. [1st message] it is not a "notion" you moron, it is called the "2nd Admendment to the Constitution".....enough said.
[2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled "amendment", DOH!
13 Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.
12. Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched "Tree of Liberty" with gallon's of one's blood.
10. Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.
9. Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?
8. There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]
7. I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.
6. Go fuck yourself you moron.
5. Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.
4. Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, "Because blah blah blah, X" You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, "not X", or Y was meant instead of X.
3. If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.
2. I do not condone anyone for their choices.

     and's Number 1 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our "NRA Seminar" List...

1. I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Craig]

• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
• You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
• You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache
• You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
• Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
• You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
• You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
• Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
• You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• Your Fourth of July cookout has not been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.

[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations ]

I cannot count the number of hours I work each week. I work for a company called NIT. I have been with them for years and have now been promoted to the position of Chief Picker.

There are thousands of employees worldwide, but it seems we always have room for one more. Despite the cruel remarks of others, calling us "nit-pickers" and all, we provide a much needed service. Who else can you depend on to tell you what you're doing wrong with things in your life? To be very honest, everybody needs us to stand-by and correct almost every move they make.

In our reports, we use a lot of words like, "always", "never", and my favorite, "completely messed up." You just know there are so many people who can't seem to get anything right, so we have to be there to watch over them "all" the time. You don't have to go far to find people who need this kind of help. In fact, we have a lot of "pickers" work out of their own homes. They make themselves available to their spouses, children and other family members. How many times we have aborted mistakes in the personal lives of others? There's no telling how much good we do.

But after work and many times I have taken my work home with me I go to the company gym for a work-out. You just have to keep in shape these days. We don't have any of that "high-priced" stuff, like weight rooms, sauna's, exercise bikes or treadmills. We have found over time that the best results come from only one exercise, "jumping to conclusions." Mind you, I have never seen any loss of weight for myself, or anybody else for that matter, but regardless we work-out every day.

We certainly don't hold to that old adage about "assuming" things. There is no such thing as a "benefit of a doubt." No, we're sure when we are "jumping to conclusions" that we are always correct. Some folks try to confuse us with what they call, "known facts." Well, if it was known, why didn't we know.

Anyway, you'll have to excuse me, I must go home and rest. Hey, that guy over there has on two different socks and I think I know why he's talking to that secretary. Generally, I say, "I shouldn't tell you this, but..." But I always do.

I think I have nit-picking on the brain. I must rest now. I have several judgments to make tomorrow, so bye for now.

Just try to stay out of trouble you know one of us is always watching.

[Thanks to Craig]

• You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
• I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
• This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
• Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
• Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
• That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
• I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-sitter, Tracy.
• The new girl in my office used to be a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
• While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
• Bar food again!? Kick ass!
• I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
• That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am – Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
• I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
• I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one. What a wonderful Valentines Day present, thanks honey!
• Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
• I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
• It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
• Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Mary's bare ass!
• My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
• I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
• Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and morning breath. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
• You are so much smarter than my father.
• If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[Thanks to Joe]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again... the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Thanks to Craig]


• To schmooze: befriend scum
• To pitch: grovel shamelessly
• To brainstorm: feign preparedness
• To research: procrastinate indefinitely
• To network: spread misinformation
• To collaborate argue incessantly
• To freelance: collect unemployment


• Agent: frustrated lawyer
• Lawyer: frustrated producer
• Producer: frustrated writer
• Writer: frustrated director
• Director: frustrated actor
• Actor: frustrated human


• High concept: low brow
• Production values1: gore
• Production values2: explosions
• Entry level: pays nothing
• Network approved: has made them money before
• Highly qualified: blew the producer


• Net: something that apparently doesn't exist
• Gross: Michael Eisner's salary
• Back End: you, if you think you'll ever see any
• Residuals: braces for the kids
• Deferral: don't hold your breath
• Points: see: "Net" or "Back End"


• You can trust me: You must be new
• It needs some polishing: Change everything
• It shows promise: It sucks
• It needs some fine tuning: Change everything
• She got great press: She'll never live down the embarrassment
• I'd like some input: I want total control
• It needs some honing: Change everything
• Call me back next week: Stay out of my life
• It needs some tightening: Change everything
• Try and punch it up: I have no idea what I want
• It needs some streamlining: Change everything
• It's all up on the screen: You'll never find the money I embezzled
• You'll never work in this town again: I have no power whatsoever

[Thanks to Craig]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says, "Well dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room. They kiss and hug and have sex."

The child looks puzzled, so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."

The child replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

The mother says, "Jewelry, dear."

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