THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 30, 1999





A friend is someone who knows the song of your soul and sings it back to you when you've forgotten the words.
— Unknown Author

A good friend stabs you in the front.
— Oscar Wilde





INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. — Unknown

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. — Unknown

History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. — John W. Campbell

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. — Bruce Baum

———————————————————————————————————————

Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose. — Meghan Skinner

I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriages. Every married couple I know has the same sex all the time. — Jim Rosenberg

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys — Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer. — Michelle L. Landry

Copyright © 1999, Chris White





IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THIS IS TRUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Randy Cassingham

UNSAFE SEX: A motorist in Israel has been ticketed after he became too attached to a hitchhiker he had picked up. "While driving I became attracted to her," the unnamed driver said. "She was a pretty girl and I forgot myself." Police ticketed the man after they were found driving down a highway while simultaneously having sex. Meanwhile, Romanian soccer star Mario Bugeanu and his girlfriend were found dead in his garage after apparently having sex in the car with the motor running. "They appeared to be unaware of the dangers of carbon monoxide," a police spokesman said. (Reuters, 2)
... Smoke afterward, OK. Smoke during, not OK.

INDECENT EXPOSURE: Former "Baywatch" actress Pamela Anderson Lee has had her breast implants removed, according to an announcement to the media. "It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time and I'm very happy with my decision," she said in a press release. However, her spokeswoman says, she has no interest in letting Ripley's Believe It or Not display the implants at its Hollywood museum, as it has requested. "She is not considering selling them," Marleah Leslie insisted, calling Ripley's inquiry a "publicity stunt." (AP)
... As opposed to Pam issuing press releases about her breasts.

HEAL THYSELF: Simply writing about stress can relieve the symptoms of asthma and arthritis, researchers say. A study by North Dakota State University in Fargo found that 20-minute writing sessions each day for three days led to a 19 percent improvement in breathing by asthmatics and a 28 percent reduction in pain by rheumatoid arthritics, and the improvement was long-lasting. "These people have all sorts of skeletons in their closets. They're dealing with emotional turmoil," said another researcher in reviewing the study. "Writing helps people come to terms with these events. It's remarkable what happens." (UPI)
... And now that it's proven, it's sure to become the only treatment covered by HMOs.

———————————————————————————————————————

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg

NASA is considering all-female crews for upcoming science missions.
It's not clear, however, who will pilot the ship when the entire crew leaves en masse to the space lavatory.

Frank Meczkowski, director of product development for Vlasic, has raised a variety of pickle that is 5 pounds, averages 16 inches in length, and is about 3-1/2 inches in
diameter.
At least that's what *he* says. Mrs. Meczkowski says it's more like _half_ that size.

A study conducted in Germany appears to show listening to loud rock music causes homosexuality in rats.
"I know, it's only rock and roll, but I *_simply adore_* it!"

Wisconsin is suing Publishers Clearing House, accusing it of fraudulent representations to state consumers and preying on the elderly, disabled and retired.
That's the job of the Wisconsin State lottery.

Westinghouse Electric Corp. of the United States has signed an agreement with a Chinese institute to exchange *nuclear technology*__, the official China Daily newspaper reported Wednesday.
On behalf of everyone whose refrigerator light never comes on when you open the door, let me be the first to say: START BUILDING A BUNKER RIGHT NOW!

In Wednesday's Daily Telegraph newspaper, Actor Hugh Grant says he is ready to have children: "It is getting ridiculous. I must get down to it. Everyone has them but me, I think I would be a delightful father."
Okay, but it's going to cost you 50 bucks extra.

The New York Times reported Wednesday that millions of lines of computer code detailing how U.S. atomic warheads operate were improperly downloaded by a scientist suspected of spying for China.
It's okay, insist officials, if they don't contact the U.S. government within 90 days they will be nagged repeatedly to register.



THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)

Two blondes, Gayle and Judi were walking down the street. Judi noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.

Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dumbass, that's me!"



THE TOP 11 REASONS PAMELA ANDERSON HAD HER BREAST IMPLANTS REMOVED (PART II)

11. Would prefer that men respect her for her recently-remodeled ass.
10. She knows she's *this* close to beating out Helena Bonham Carter for the Lady MacBeth part in Branaugh's latest, but the film requires her to be able to wash her hands.
9. Mandatory for new career as a pearl diver.
8. New job as philosophy professor at the Sorbonne requires her to go to a lot of conferences, where they tend to distract the French intellectuals.
7. Wait a second — Those were fake?!?
6. Received a desperate e-mail plea from a young boy whose kidneys were stolen and who now needs breast implants to survive.
5. She got $841,000 apiece for them on eBay.
4. Just getting in character for the Broadway production of "Yentl."
3. Because that Ally McBeal is *so* damn popular.
2. Heard rumors about the Y38D Bug.

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason Pamela Anderson Had Her Breast Implants Removed...

1. Tired of attracting dumb, abusive rock stars who are hung like mules — wants to date intelligent, sensitive businessmen who are hung like mules.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White





THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE COMPUTER INDUSTRY IS FINALLY OPENING UP TO WOMEN

1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer.
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive.
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.



SEVERAL HUNDRED ORGASMS

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was 'HE?' "



MORE BUMPER STICKERS





A HANDY EXCUSE?
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head ]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up the next day, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."



THE TOP 12 NAMES OF Y2K CULTS

12. Gore 2000
11. Dyslexics for More Lubrication (Oops, sorry — I thought it read "KY2")
10. The MillennyandSquiggies
9. I Can't Believe It's Not Apocalypse
8. The Non-Alarmists Who Think Everything Will Be Exactly the Same After 2000
7. Pat Buchanan Voters
6. The "Nothing To Do With The Church of Scientology So Please Don't Sue Us Thank You The Top 5 List"-ists
5. The "It's Not the New Millennium Until 2001, Dammit!" Cult
4. The "Let's freak out because it's a big number" Circle
3. The Douchebags. (It has nothing to do with Y2K — I just like saying "douchebag.")
2. National Association of COBOL Programmers

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name of a Y2K Cult...

1. The Perot Family

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White





ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations ]





CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
[Thanks to Craig]





I THINK YOU WAIT UNTIL THE HARD DRIVE OVERHEATS OR THE MONITOR STARTS WINKING AT YOU...

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person:  "How do I know when it's ready?"



SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW...
[Thanks to Craig]

A guy went out on the golf course and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse, to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."

He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this! It's still in it's original CRATE!"



NEW WIN98 ERROR CODES





PETS 101
[Thanks to Craig]

CATS



CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.


DOGS



CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats



THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR

1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. She's gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams "A-colon backslash enter insert!"
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind.



SACRED RITUALS

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.  On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"



INSPIRATION...

Hubby: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"

Wife: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Hubby: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Wife:  "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?' "



BUSINESS AS USUAL...
[Thanks to Sharon]

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside.

The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"



ACCOUNTANT JOKES

When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported on August 25, 1995, about the image realignment wanted by accountants, they had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at the University of Texas at Austin would pick it up.

They reported that, "The industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to make over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw this as a call to action,
and he quickly marshaled his students in LEB 380.17 (Liability of Accountants) to come up with pithy new slogans for use in the new marketing push. The results of their laborious efforts are here, in "Top Ten" format:

TOP TEN NEW ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN THEMES FOR ACCOUNTANTS

10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.
9. Let the lawyers do the lying — leave the manipulating to us.
8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.
7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers. (At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense a pattern here!" But you'd be wrong — read on!)
6. Just count it!
5. Have you hugged your accountant today?
4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.
3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.
2. We check to make sure you're balanced.

And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic for Accountants...

1. Accountants: Always there to cover your assets!

————————————————————————————————————-

YOU MIGHT BE AN ACCOUNTANT IF...

1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214.
3. You deduct Ex-Lax as "Moving expenses."
4. At the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did an NPV calculation. (And you actually know what NPV is.)
5. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======"
6. You have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store.



THE MAGICAL MYSTERY MIRROR
[Thanks to Craig]

A wealthy woman walks into an antique store. Over in the corner, on the wall, is a beautiful mirror.

"I must have it!" said the woman, to the assistant.

"Oh! Madam," said the assistant, "that mirror is not for sale."

"I'll pay anything to have it," she said.

They agreed on a price.

"A word of warning," said the assistant, "this is a magic mirror, and anything you wish for will come true, so, be careful what you wish for."

The woman was overjoyed, and she took it home. She placed it in her bedroom, stared into it and wished she had large, beautiful breasts. Suddenly, POOF! She had them, all right, and she was very happy. Meanwhile, later, she's preparing her husband's meal.

Her husband walks in the door and says, "WOW! You look fantastic. What happened to you?"

"Just go up into the bedroom and you'll see a mirror. Stand in front of it and make a wish. It's magic!"

He ran up the stairs, took all his clothes off, stood in front of the mirror and said, "I wish my dick could touch the floor!"

Suddenly, POOF! His legs fell off.



VIRUS WARNINGS GOING AROUND THE 'NET
[Thanks to Craig]





AH, THE DAYS OF INNOCENCE...
[Thanks to Sharon]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"



DEAR ABBY
[Thanks to Craig]

"Dear Abby: I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now, I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do?" – Lovelorn, Portland, OR

"Dear Lovelorn: If she coughs, fuck her." – Abby



32 REASONS WHY COOKIE DOUGH IS BETTER THAN MEN

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it — satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.



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