THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 23, 1999
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever.
— Unknown Author
The question is asked, "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and a girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"
And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love."
— Unknown Author
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Love is a many splintered thing. — Unknown
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh! — Conan O'Brien
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong." — Unknown
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. — Unknown
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman — unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes...— Unknown
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. — Woody Allen
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child — eventually. — Steven Wright
I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. — Groucho Marx
I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. — Joan Rivers
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. — Douglas Adams
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THIS IS TRUE ==--ADDING INSULT TO INJURY, ADVANCED DIVISION: "Woman Hit Twice By Same Car in 24 Hours" — Reuters headline
Copyright © 1999 Randy Cassingham
WARNING: NO WARNINGS AVAILABLE: Anthony Avellino says he will fight a $1,000 citation for "destruction, defacement or abuse of a tree" after his two daughters and a friend climbed a Japanese Pine in New York's Central Park. The three girls, aged 9 to 11, knocked several small branches from the tree when they climbed it, park rangers said. There were no warning signs to keep kids from climbing the trees. "There are lots of things that you cannot do in parks that are not posted," a Parks Department spokesman said. "If we listed every rule, we'd have more signs than trees." (AP)
...There's a rule against secret rules, but that rule's existence has never been revealed.
———————————————————————————————————————NATO forces are coming under criticism for missing targets and hitting civilians.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg
In their defense, they point out that they are able to hit some precision targets such as the successful bird drop onto Fabio's face.
Ripley's Believe It or Not! wants to acquire Pamela Lee's breast implants, which were recently removed, to display at its Hollywood museum.
The Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum already has dibs on her head.
Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy is celebrating his 40th birthday.
Poppin' holds second place in the Guinness Book of World Records for "most poked celebrity," after Madonna.
Alabama, the only state remaining in the nation with a constitutional ban on interracial marriages, has taken the first step toward repealing it.
And that first step, of course, is acknowledging the end of the Civil War.
A group of students have filed suit against Southern Methodist University
seeking damages for a computer course that they say was too hard.
Too hard? Finally — *here's* the Viagra backlash that I predicted was coming.
Robert Sotile, a medical products salesman in New York, has invented a "condom" for ice cream cones that protects it from the filthy fingers of the parlor staff.
Oddly, it decreases the pleasure of the cone for men, but not women.
Researcher Nancy Nickell of Jupiter, Florida, claims tight clothes, deodorants, and too many showers wash away pheromones and prevent the opposite sex from picking up on your sexual signals.
*_SOLVED_*: the mystery of why France is the country of Love.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Did you hear about the blonde hoodlum? She spray painted her name on chain-link fences.
Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Another blonde sent a post card home: "Having a wonderful time... Where am I?"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Why was the blonde's belly button sore? 'Cause her boyfriend was blonde too.
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out... Then I realized I was too late.
Two blondes were walking through the woods, when they came upon some tracks.
The first blond said, "They're deer tracks."
The second blond said, "No, I think they are bear tracks."
Suddenly they were hit by the train.
THE TAO OF GATES
[Thanks to Sam]
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been — until now — an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
- Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
- If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again.
- Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
- The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
- The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
- Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
But very few know the definition of a 'great landing'. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
- The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
- A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
- There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
- It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
- A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
- Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
- Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.MORE USEFUL BUSINESS PHRASES...
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
THE "SUPREME" QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Jehovah's Witness
__ Torah __ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?__ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?__ Yes __ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ ESP
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _______________
__ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one)a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
RANDY THE ROOSTER
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
(Note from The Goddess: I couldn't stop laughing with this one... however, I confess to substituting "Jeffrey the Weasel" (my ex) for "Randy the Rooster"...)
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in the henhouse THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Then, Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."
AND YOU THOUGHT *YOU* WERE HAVING A BAD DAY...
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
- Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
- Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
- You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
- Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
- You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
- Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
- People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
- You laugh out loud during funerals.
- When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
- Melba toast excites you.
- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
- Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
- You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
THE TOP 10 REASONS PAMELA ANDERSON HAD HER BREAST IMPLANTS REMOVED (PART I)
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Recently, former "Baywatch" and home video star Pamela Anderson had her world-famous breast implants removed. Top5 thought the news important enough to warrant a list or two...
10. Technological improvements in auto airbags made them redundant.
9. More bruises from jogging than from Tommy.
8. Just *once*, it would be nice to ride an elevator without having to exhale so the doors can close.
7. Emergency flotation devices not needed for post-Baywatch career.
6. Too difficult to achieve proper balance when carrying her quantum physics textbooks.
5. Implants needed as bargaining chip in top secret NATO settlement plan with Milosevic.
4. Philanthropic desire to pass them on to less fortunate little girls.
3. Airline carry-on restrictions were making travel a living hell.
2. Had to send 28% of them to the IRS by April 15.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason Pamela Anderson Had Her Breasts Implants Removed...
1. Was unable to slip neatly into manholes in her new TV show, "SewerWatch."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MARTIANS vs. VENUSIANS — THE BATTLE CONTINUES...
The other day some friends and I were discussing one of the few recurrent philosophical topics that come up in our conversations: society as a whole. It was taking its usual course; one of my friends insisted that society was going to hell, the other was somewhat neutral, and I thought that people were becoming more tolerating of differences.
My first friend announced (again) that society was on a steady down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac."
My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomanic' could mean. Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked, "What's that?"
"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.
I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?"
My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
A MOTHER'S LOVE...
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult — I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."
"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"