THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 16, 1999
Love is about surrender — of one's heart, soul, mind, and body.
— Unknown Author
Young lovers believe that the Old World is new,
they believe that nobody is wrong.
Their visions are wise, and their powers are true,
sex, for them, is surrender, and song.
When did you lose this belief in yourself,
lose the courage to blossom and heal?
Did you know love's the face of the future brought here,
did you know love's the world's last ideal?
— Sam Cherubin
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. —
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? — Unknown
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. — Unknown
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it. — Unknown
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. — Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
———————————————————————————————————————
Sometimes I think about going to the gym and working out in order to impress women, but hey, that's why I learned UNIX. — Mike B.
If you and your spouse ever happen to be contestants on The Newlywed Game, you should both answer "a monkey!" to every question. Not only will you be sure of winning, but all of America will become envious of your sex life. — R.M. Weiner
Instead of dropping "Cluster Bombs" on enemy targets, we should be dropping "Cluster Legos", 'cause damn, those things hurt when you step on them! — Rick Myers
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step — blaming my parents.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg
Dan Quayle will formally declare his presidential candidacy on April 14th, at the Indiana high school where he was a member of the class of 1965.Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg
With much fanfare, he will launch his campaign theme: "The Remedial Presidency."A County in Florida has banned women from exposing more than 75% of their breasts in public and both sexes from showing more than two-thirds of their buttocks.
And, of course, it goes without saying, no more than a square of your root.
John Maisey, a curator in the Department of Vertebrate Paleontology at the American Museum of Natural History, has disclosed the first detailed description of a 400-million-year-old primitive shark relative from Bolivia named Pucapampella.
He presented his paper to a meeting of the Historical Committee of the American Bar Association.
[Thanks to Bahija]
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition — the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second.
Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
[Thanks to Ilmar — >Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
Speaking of love — that wondrous emotion — here are what 38 people have said about it: LOVE, n.
1. Man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another
2. A sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses
3. What Plato described as "a grave mental disease"
4. Something they say is blind — it's marriage which is the real eye opener
5. That emotion which is not true until returned
6. That delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore}
7. What we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries
8. Is like measles — much worse when it comes late in life;
9. The most slippery word in the human language — used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species
10. The only fire for which there is no insurance
11. The crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625}
12. The only game that two can play and both win
13. The last and most serious of the childhood diseases
14. What makes marriage possible — habit makes it last
15. Is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise
16. A disease like measles, we all have to go through it
17. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder
18. The only game that is never called on account of darkness
19. The tie that blinds
20. Consists of happiness, given back and forth
21. The only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds
22. That which makes the world revolve
23. Is really just being stupid together
24. A situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself
26. Is a fan club with only two members
27. The only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished
28. The triumph of imagination over intelligence
29. The child of illusion and the parent of disillusion
30. A strange feeling that comes over a man — when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name
31. Is like war — simple to begin but the devil to stop
32. Is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties
33. Something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods
34. A word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old
35. An emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow
36. A situation — when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons
37. Something which combines the two greatest powers on earth — war and peace
38. The balm that heals the wounds that words make
THE ONGOING BATTLE, PART 3,547,958,435...
The title of the book is "Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts!" (Running Press, $12.95) and it's a collection of quotes, including this one from writer Rebecca West: "The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots." Does West receive any credit from compiler Ronald B. Shwartz for providing the gist of his text's punchy title? (Warning: this is one of those gender litmus-test questions.) And the correct answer is... no.
Some other observations and comments about the differences between men and women (keep in mind all quotes are out of context) from everyone from Roseanne to Anton Chekhov:
"Dames were put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked." — From "Johnny Dangerously"
"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — English writer Katharine Whitehorn
"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares." — Writer and editor Elbert Hubbard
"The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed." — Activist Abbie Hoffman
"Women deprived of the company of men pine, men deprived of the company of women become stupid." — Russian playwright and writer Anton Chekhov
"Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. And all men are cheap metal. And we all know where north is." — Broadcasting executive Larry Miller
"One thing in which the sexes are equal is in thinking that they're not." — Writer Franklin P. Jones
"A good man doesn't happen. They have to be created by us women... So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from the beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego." — Actress and comedian Roseanne
"A man has only one aim in life. A woman has three, all contradictory." — French writer Benoite Groult
"You always hear women say that all the best men are married or gay. Funny, but you'd never hear a man say that about women." — Musician Jim Mullen
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." — Comedian Red Skelton
"Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base." — Humorist Dave Barry
"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body." — Comedian Elayne Boosler
"Men are superior to women. For one thing, they can urinate from a speeding car." — Canadian writer Will Durst
" ... best friends who haven't seen each other in a while, gal version: 'You're my oldest and closest friend. ' ... Guy version: 'Still driving that piece of [crap]?' They mean exactly the same thing." — Comedian Rob Becker
"A woman is a woman until the day she dies, but a man's a man only as long as he can." — Comedian Jackie "Moms" Mabley
NOTE FROM CHRIS: As you've no doubt already heard, First Lady Hillary Clinton is considering running for a soon-to-be-vacant New York Senate seat...
12. No Penis = No Problems
11. Bitchy?!? You ain't seen NOTHING yet!
10. I Won't Screw *You*, Either
9. Help Wanted: Male interns
8. Hey, you'd run, too, if *you* were Bill Clinton's wife.
7. Hillary for Senate: Because Bubba's Alimony Just Ain't Gonna Cut It
6. As Portrayed By Emma Thompson!
5. Building a Bridge Away From My Husband
4. C'mon — Just to Spite Ken Starr
3. Keeping It In My Pants Since 1973!
2. Well *I* Certainly Never Had Sex With That Woman, Miss Lewinsky
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogan...
1. I Got Your Senate Candidate Right Here!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to Craig]
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
"Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!"
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• A good horse never comes in a bad color.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can
chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. <~~eeewwww
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had.
She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
[Thanks to John]
• Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
• Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
• 'Cripes':
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh'? Of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
• Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
• Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
• Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house (I live in Los Angeles). I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
• Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
• Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know". "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
EFFICIENCY "EXPERTS"...
(Note from the Goddess: Anyone who's ever had their job eliminated by an "efficiency report" from Andersen Consulting will love this one...)
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered. Then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah," he began, in a quieter tone, "not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's Room, too."
"How's that?" I asked.
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!"
"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
[Thanks to Craig]
(Note from the Goddess: If you're offended by this, well... byte me! I'm 1/4 German, 1/4 Scottish, 1/4 Welsh, 1/8 American Indian, and I think the rest is of the extraterrestrial alien variety — Venusian Goddess, of course!!!)
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to be really obese
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth, when you're not, at all
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with deodorant
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week — whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh or Scottish
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 AD
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1. Um …
2. Wait …
3. Um …
4. Um …
5. One second, okay?
6. Um …
7. Um …
8. Well, there's uh …
9. Um
10. Shit, I give up
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuck-off shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
10 GOOD REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach
12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
12. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
11. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
10. Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.
9. "Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"
8. Trick #1 — the disappearing pants!
7. Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.
6. At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?
5. Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.
4. All of his "tricks" are written in C++.
3. Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."
2. His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...
1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to Ilmar]
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the rug. "AHA!" Under the rug was a disk with four screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws, and throws the disk out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds... "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, suspiciously, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
[Thanks to Deborah]
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions ?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass ?"
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
• Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & naked men.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
• And just how may I fuck you over today?
• Does this condom make me look fat?
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
• Better living through denial.
• Adult child of alien invaders.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
• Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
• Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
• A woman's favorite position is CEO.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
