THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 9, 1999
"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love,
you have to find the courage to live it."
"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope.
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; and wait without love,
for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith.
But the faith, and the hope, and the love are all in the waiting.
And so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness, the dancing."
T. S. EliotTHIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I hear my Democratic friends want to add two faces to Mount Rushmore Bill Clinton.
Rep. Matt Salmon
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. Unknown
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer! Unknown
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Unknown
No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula. Ken Anderson
When I go to hell, I'm going to delight in saying, "But at least it's a dry heat." Chris Lipe
I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on society. Chris Lipe
I've recently discovered how to unite gravity with the strong and weak nuclear forces and the electromagnetic force. This finally completes the much sought-after Grand Unified Theory which confounded even Albert Einstein. But I'm not going to tell anybody what it is until somebody fixes my cable. Charles Gulledge
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day on the computer. Instead I will move my computer into the bedroom.
I will remember to blow kisses and mouth out the words, "I LOVE YOU," to everyone I cut off in traffic today.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Y2K SURVIVAL KIT
KANSAS CITY, Mo., March 11 / PRNewswire / via NewsEdge Corporation With all his friends talking about stockpiling food and bottled water, buying guns, generators, etc., in preparation for Y2K, Stan Chrzanowski's reaction was to poke fun at all the madness by creating the Y2K Survival Kit (TM). This kit contains actual items and makes humorous suggestions on how to handle this upcoming event like a bag of seeds with copy which reads: "Plant these to begin your food supply. Or salt, bake and annoy your neighbor by eating them and tossing the shells underfoot." Or a compass: "Find your way to the nearest wilderness. Start your version of a new human race. "
The kit is being sold through gift, computer, and office supply stores throughout the country as well as on the Internet ( Y2K Survival Kit: The Kit to Prepare You for the Year 2000 ), or by phone, 877-937-8925, $14.95).
The kit also contains items like a mini squirt gun: "Ward off those critters that will want to confiscate your supply of bonbons, twinkies or paper clips" and a divining rod forked twig: "If water supplies become scarce, the water cooler runs dry, or that hidden beverage in your drawer is evaporated, never fear. Try this ancient farmer's technique for finding your own supply." And a candle: "If the electric company goes dark, you'll be ready with this. Can be used for romance."
Following the kit's initial introduction in the fall at the Dallas and Atlanta trade marts, orders started rolling in. "Marketing this product is half the battle and fun. We just received an order for 500 from a company on the West Coast. They're using it as a giveaway to their clients a humorous relief," says Chrzanowski, president and creative director of West Creative. Among all the items in the kit, there is one last resort one to use in case all goes bad at the turn of the millennium. A rock. "You can always use it to close down your monitor that night when you go home," Chrzanowski says.
[Copyright 1999, PR Newswire]
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]
SAY CHEESE! Supermodel Fabio inaugurated Busch Gardens' new roller coaster ride, called Apollo's Chariot. Representatives called his publicity ride a "Modern-day Adonis vs. Ancient-Day Sun God." During the ride a bird hit Fabio on the nose and cut him, sending blood streaking down his chin and cheeks. Several women sitting near him in white tunics, portraying goddesses, were splattered with blood. "Oh my God! Think if his mouth was open." a spokeswoman for Fabio's publisher, reacting to news of the bird crash. (AP)
According to a report, the computer virus Melissa has crippled over 300 government e-mail systems.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg
Civil servants have had to return to Xeroxing their buttocks manually and distributing hard copies rather than scanning and sending to a distribution list.
According to a new study by University of Washington zoologist Julia Parrish, animals behave differently when they're in a large group than they do when they're by themselves.
Dr. Parrish hailed the findings as "an important first step" in preventing Wisconsin men from painting "P-A-C-K-E-R-S" on their chest yellow and green paint.
A team of scientists from Spain and the UK has determined that a certain primitive group of flatworms are the oldest living ancestors to all "bilateral" animals that is, those with a right and left side.
That's pretty much all humans, except for Rush Limbaugh.
A tabloid says it has photos of a nude George W. Bush dancing on a bar.
And apparently, not *everything* is big in Texas.
A federal judge ruled Wednesday against the family of Charles Cobb in their suit against The Weather Channel which claimed Cobb relied on a storm-free forecast and was drowned after being thrown out of a fishing boat during an unexpected storm.
The family plans to sue the producers of Baywatch next, claiming Cobb had relied on a Babealicious world but died alone and horny as a goat.
Raleigh, North Carolina officials are looking for ways to stop a proposed "domination parlor," a business where patrons would pay to be spanked or force others to bow to sadistic and masochistic acts.
" ... a business where you pay and are forced to bow to sadistic and masochistic acts?" Hey, I live in North Carolina that sounds like the DMV.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Bahija]
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"
AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
"This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do."
LIONS AND TIGERS AND... DRAGONS OH, MY!!!!
[Thanks to Craig]
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE:
She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS...
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is cooking.
She's a light eater... once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
FROM OUTER SPACE A CHAIN REACTION...
[Thanks to Craig]
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
"Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!
IT REALLY WORKS!"
[Thanks to John]
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy. And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
THE TOP 34 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
[Thanks to Sam and Sharon The Book of Affirmations ]
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure".
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace".
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15. "Prenatal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park".
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy".
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
31. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
32. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
33. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
34. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.
LEGAL SEX EDUCATION...
A young woman was having one of her first gynecological appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, they would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex. I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it. Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
THE TOP 14 THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE Top5 LIST CONTRIBUTORS ARE HAVING SEX
14. "Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow... That's goo AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
13. "Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"
12. "Don't laugh if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"
11. "OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, more accent!"
10. "Oh *CHRIS*! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!"
9. "Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
8. "Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
7. "Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
6. "Dammit, Mom! Knock first!"
5. "OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."
4. "Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
3. "Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"
2. "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard While Top5 List Contributors are Having Sex...
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
QUOTES FROM "THE DAN QUAYLE SCHOOL OF PUBLIC SPEAKING" ALUMNI
[Thanks to Sharon]
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Cowboys
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great
numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." General William Westmoreland
LOOK OUT MARTHA STEWART... IT'S CATHIE'S HELPFUL HINTS:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
HOME, SWEET HOME...
[Thanks to Sean]
A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick.
Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel. He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."
The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."
"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOU'RE MARRIED TO A LIBERAL
14. In your wedding vows, "love, honor, and cherish" were replaced with "legitimize, empower, and respect her reproductive freedom."
13. Pile of burned Ken Starr effigies in the back yard is starting to block the sun.
12. Supports Al Gore for President in 2000, but has no idea why.
11. After a poor performance in the bedroom, you find yourself enrolled in a federal program to correct your shortcomings.
10. To rectify years of persecution to women, she makes you wipe your own ass.
9. Misses your funeral to protest the harsh sentence given your killer.
8. You casually mention your "Euthanize the Homeless" idea and BANG! no sex for a month.
7. What, the family budget is *BALANCED*? Quick, let's get to the mall and buy something!
6. Insists his socks are not mismatched, they're "diverse."
5. He was a tireless advocate of gun control until the impeachment hearings started. Now he owns a rocket launcher.
4. At the height of passion, cries out, "Tax me!!!"
3. It's bad enough that he looks like an extra from "Deliverance" now he can't keep his loudmouth Cajun trap shut on those talk shows.
2. Constantly pelts your cats with ketchup, screeching, "Fur is murder!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Married to a Liberal...
1. She's got the kids playing "Barbaric Imperialists and Innocent Native Americans" again.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to John]
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee and newspaper when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind them were at least 200 women walking single file.
The woman at the 7-11 couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "Ma'am, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?" the first woman asked.
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
The first woman inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She jumped in to help my husband and the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between them. Then the first woman said, "Ma'am, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS
[Thanks to Joe LAWYERtoB's Looking for Ms. Right Page ]
"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
Female: "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (I'm easy.)
Male: "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (I'm gay.)
Male to Female: "Ever try a body shot?" (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
Female to Male: "Ever try a body shot?" (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
Female: "I don't feel well, let's go home." (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
Male: I don't feel well, let's go home." (I'm horny.)
"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
Male to Male: "Excuse Me." (Get the hell out of the way.)
Male to Female: "Excuse Me." (I am going to grope you now.)
Female to Male: "Excuse Me." (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
Female to Female: "Excuse Me." (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
Male: "Can I have a white Russian?" (I'm *really* gay.)
Female: "Can I have a white Russian?" (I'm *really* easy.)
"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
Female: Can I just get a glass of water?" (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
Female: I don't have my ID on me." (I'm 19.)
Male: "I don't have my ID on me." (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .2 after my last visit here)
MORE BUMPER STICKERS
[Thanks to John]
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.