THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 2, 1999
"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."
— Helen KellerINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I think, therefore, I am ...not related to you. — Unknown
Instead of filing my W2's and 1040's this year, I'm gonna send the IRS a can of WD-40. You know, just to see if they get the joke. — Derek Littlefield
If the past, present and future are all an illusion, why am I still horny? — Debbie Madison
My parents worried because, as a small child, I was given to eating the magnets I found on the refrigerator door. It all turned out for the good, however. I am told that I'm quite an attractive adult. — Ospot
I always thought Ross Perot should have been a member of R.E.M., until a friend pointed out that the initials didn't stand for Rapid Ear Movement. — Jim Lockwood
I think Snow White was a prostitute. Why else would the Dwarfs run around singing "Hi, ho! Hi, ho!"? — Lubin Drache
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Jim Rosenberg
A team of scientists from Spain and the UK has determined that a certain primitive group of flatworms are the oldest living ancestors to all "bilateral" animals-that is, those with a right and left side.
That's pretty much all humans, except for Rush Limbaugh.
In France, a radio psychologist who specializes in giving marital advice had his latest book canceled by the publisher when he admitted he's getting a divorce.
He plans to emigrate to "L'Etat Unis d'Hypocrisy," where such an apparent conflict is accepted.
First lady Hillary Rodham Clinton traveled deep into the Sahara desert on Saturday to spend the night amid towering sand dunes after a traditional Moroccan feast.
It marks the first time she's had two humps since before the Monica Lewinsky affair.
In Carlsbad, N.M. a big rig loaded with radioactive waste arrived Friday at the nation's first nuclear waste dump.
It is thought to be the biggest load of waste dumped since The President's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" statement.
———————————————————————————————————————Washington, DC (DPI) — President Clinton on Wednesday gave the go ahead for US-led NATO bombing of the former Yugoslavia, thus sending Republican Congressional leaders into a frenzy, trying to find out what exactly Clinton is trying to cover up this time. "We know he's done something bad, we just can't find it yet" said Henry Hyde (R-Ill). "We have been checking our usual sources, including People Magazine, Dateline NBC (all 5 nights), 20/20, and the National Enquirer for some sign of some woman, somewhere, who is claiming something about the President, but so far no luck." Hyde went on to say he was certain they would find something sooner or later "one way or another." — Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999 Chris White——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Washington, DC (DPI) — Angered by the protracted monopoly trial, and referring to vital national interests, President Clinton this morning announced that starting immediately the US will be launching airstrikes against Microsoft Corporation. "Bill Gates has repeatedly refused to negotiate in good faith with our government these last few months, and only by taking a strong, united stand against him can we return this turbulent industry back to peace," said Clinton at a press conference. "What if 125 years ago someone had stood up to John D. Rockefeller? What if 90 years ago someone had stood up to J.P. Morgan? What a difference intervention can make if done at the right time."
Advisors close to the President admitted, on the condition of anonymity, that they didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "I dunno, we were all just horsing around one day, joking about how many times Windows 95 went down on him and he just leapt into action." — Reported by Christopher Troise——— ——— ——— ——— ———
BELGRADE, UM, THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA (DPI) — Serbian President Slobodan Milosovic denied that his troops have responded to NATO air strikes by massacring Kosovar civilians, arguing that Kosovo suffers an epidemic of terminal illness and that his troops were simply carrying out mass assisted suicide. Milosovic also blasted NATO attacks for destroying Serbian command and control health clinics and medicinal missile batteries. Meanwhile, health-conscious Serbians rioted outside U.S. embassies in various European capitals to protest inadequate health insurance coverage in the U.S. Said one Serb, Dosovics Vaporub, "We are only showing you how to deal with your health care crisis by healing the Kosovars with high doses of machine gun fire. If you did likewise in America, you wouldn't have to worry about running out of funds for Medicare."
GOP Senate leader, Trent Lott, briefly considered the idea, but then decided that shooting the ill and elderly would severely reduce the number of tobacco consumers. President Clinton spent the weekend on the phone consulting with European phone-sex operators, and expressed optimism that his wife would be away in Africa for a few more days. No presidential contenders commented on the NATO action, with the exception of Dan Quayle, who wished that the "Furbians and the Elmovars could live together in peace." — Reported by Jonathan Colan
THE LAWYER'S HONEYMOON
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying — 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... OH GOD, do I miss him!!!!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
OK, you guys — if ANYONE out there knows any single, unattached stamp-collecting lawyers, it is vital that you give them the following e-mail address:
IN THE MEANTIME, THE SEARCH FOR MR. RIGHT CONTINUES...
(F = FANTASY, R = REALITY)
F: He'll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason.
R: You've got him confused with Santa Claus, who's already married, anyway.
F: He'll be tall.
R: He'll say he's five-foot-ten, although you'll tower over him at five-seven.
F: He'll look at no other women.
R: He still thinks Sharon Stone, the swimsuit model in Sports Illustrated, and the young baby-sitter down the street all want to meet him.
F: You'll be in his every thought.
R: He'll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline; the other half rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
F: He'll be witty.
R: He'll still tell knock-knock jokes.
F: You'll share the same interests.
R: He'll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
F: He always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love.
R: Now you've got him confused with the family dog!
THEN OF COURSE THERE'S ALWAYS...
Mr. Potato Head...
And if he so much as looks at another woman... you can rearrange his face.
THE TOP 11 DIFFERENCES IN THE MIDDLE AGES IF MICROSOFT HAD EXISTED THEN
11. Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
10. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
9. Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
8. The "Good Plague" hoax.
7. Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
6. The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
5. Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
4. Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
2. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...
1. The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GREAT WOMEN'S QUOTES
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations ]
I think, therefore I'm single. — Lizz Winstead
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. — Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. — Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. — Sue Grafton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? — Wendy Liebman
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. — Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. — Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. — Gloria Steinem
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. — Baroness Edith Summerskill
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? — Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
[Thanks to Craig]
This will put things in perspective. It's hard to believe certain people survive to adulthood...
• 1st Person: "Do you know anything about fax machines?"
• 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
• 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
• 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
• 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the "ATM thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
• "Do you need some help?" I asked.
• She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
• "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
• "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
• As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
• One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
• "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
THE TOP 18 ALTERNATIVE NAMES FOR CRAYOLA'S "INDIAN RED" CRAYON
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Crayola Crayons recently decided to rename their "Indian Red" crayon because some people thought the name was offensive to Native Americans.
Although Crayola explained that the name originated from a pigment found near India, the pressure proved too great and they decided it would be easier to rename the crayon. Of course, Top5 has some suggestions. Lots of them...
18. Crack Ho Lipstick Red
17. Better-Dead-Than Red
16. The Smudge That Daddy Washes Off His Collar Right After a Business Trip Before Mom Sees Them Red
15. We Got a Bleeder Here! Red
13. McCarthy Red Scare
12. Rockingham Bloody Glove Red
11. Jesse Helms' Neck Red
10. Systematically Oppressed Indigenous People Who have Been Shafted Out of Land and Portrayed in a Comically Inaccurate Manner Red
9. Extra-Tender, Rare Veal Red
8. Broken Blood Vessels in Ted Kennedy's Face Red
7. Caved Into Uninformed Politically Correct Nimrod's Red
6. Embarrassed Drunken Fighting Irishman Red
5. Baboon Ass Scarlet
4. Enormous Swollen Erection Red
3. Genital-Rash Vermilion
2. Paleface Blood
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Alternative Name for Crayola's "Indian Red" Crayon...
1. Niggardly Crimson
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do; what matters is what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month that you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work s/he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is not excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first guy did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling — I'll see you in two hours!"
As God is peering down on the Earth, he notices two statues, one a man the other a woman. He says to himself, "Those statues have been standing there for thousands and thousands of years, I will reward them by giving them one day of life."
Instantly the two statues become alive. They look at each other in silence for a while before the woman statue says, "Well, what do you want to do?"
The man statue says, "I know! Follow me," and runs behind some nearby bushes. The woman statue follows and a rustling noise comes from behind the bushes.
Sometime later they come out from the bushes very ecstatic and the man statue says, "That was fun! Want to do it again?"
The woman statue replies, "Sure, but this time you hold the bird and I'll shit on his head."
[Thanks to John]
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" — Larry Miller
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. — Tim Allen
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? — Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semiautomatics to uzis. — Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. — Tim Allen
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. — Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote". — Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. — Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! — Jay Leno
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. — Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in. — Rita Rudner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. — Bill Cosby
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. — Steven Wright
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." — Gary Shandling
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. — Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. — Jeff Foxworthy
THE TOP REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
• We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
• We pee sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk.
• We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
• We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
• We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
• We pout better. (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
• We're cuter.
• We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
• We don't worry about losing our hair.
• PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men.
• PMS is a legal defense for murder.
• Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
• We can masturbate more in a day than men.
• 2 words - multi orgasmic!
• We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.
• Sweat is sexy on us.
• You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
• Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game, too.
• We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
• We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
• We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
• Women have more than one erogenous zone. (in case you guys didn't know)
• We don't always have to think with our genitals.
• There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
• Men in uniform.
• There is no penis envy.
• We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy cleanup.
• Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting.
• We have mastered civilized eating — we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
• We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
• We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
• We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
• Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want.
• When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards — a blow job and sex fixes all.
• Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists, and cheats.
• We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
• Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
• Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about. (and I'm not gonna tell you)
• We're all sitting on a gold mine — we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
• An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable — ugly men are just screwed.
• Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line.
• Women know how to fake it.
• Women look better naked.
• We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
• When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
• Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
• An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night.
• Women's conversations generally consist of more than just, "uh huh, yep ok then bye".
• Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
• The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
• Women are sexier.
• We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
[Thanks to John]
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue". Later that night they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
I'VE GOT A SECRET...
[Thanks to Twila]
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The gentleman looks back with a smile and says, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The guy proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the guy on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So what do you call your penis?"
The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD."
The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1...?"
The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you — Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
Carpe diem: seize the day
Carpe deum: god is a fish
Carpe carpe: seize the fish
Crape diem: bad day
Carpe per diem: seize the check
Carnivore carpe: RUN!!
Carpe calypso: seize the DAY-O
Carpe Teva: seize the sandal
Carpe noctum: seize the night
Carpe horribilis: seize the ugly bear
Carpe explodem: my engine seized
Carpe Shar-Pei: seize the dog
Car pediem: seize the clutch.
Carpe palazzo: Seizer's Palace
Carpe bosom: seize the breast
Carpe tunnel: my wrist seized
Carpe carp: seize the fish
Carpet diem: seize the rug
Carpayment diem: seize the checkbook
Carp diem: fish of the day
Crampy diem: seize the Midol
Carpe diet: seize the ricecake
Carnal diem: seize me, baby!!
Carpe duh: seize the Idiot
Carpe badjokius: seize the teller of these jokes