THE WEEKLY RIOT
March 26, 1999
"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came, he pushed them...
and they flew.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do. Unknown
I think it's because light travels faster then sound that some people look bright until they talk. Unknown
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Unknown
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Unknown
If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it? Unknown
I remember my best friend in elementary school. I'd tie him up with a bunch of string, and run and run and run... no wait, that was a kite. LeMel Hebert-Williams
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun. LeMel Hebert-Williams
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FOR FUN...
EDINBURGH, Reuters [OL] via NewsEdge Corporation: Sex at least three times a week can make people look 10 years younger, according to a survey published Wednesday. "It's not a case of these people having more sex because they look younger, they actually look younger because they are having more sex in loving, stable relationships," said Dr. David Weeks, a neuro-psychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital.
Weeks, whose survey took 10 years to complete, told Reuters: "Because these people are having a better sex life, they feel better about themselves and actually look younger." Weeks, an American, interviewed some 3,500 people from Britain, Europe and the United States after he placed an advertisement in New Scientist magazine in 1988 which asked: "Do you look and feel younger than you are?" His survey of young-looking participants, stretching from rain-swept Scotland to sunny California, found that on average, they had sex at least four times a week twice as often as the average person.
When the participants were "rated" by volunteers who tried to guess their ages, the men were assumed to be 12 years younger and the women 10 years younger than they actually were. How does making love tap the fountain of youth? The human body produces growth hormones and other chemicals like endorphins during sex that enhance the body and mind, Weeks said.
A woman's body during orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin, which affects emotional centers of her brain. Men who regularly stimulate their mate's oxytocin are rewarded with warmer feelings of affection, Weeks' study showed.
Weeks, who published his findings in a book, "Super-young: The Proven Way to Stay Young Forever", stressed that a number of other factors such as diet and exercise also affect whether or not people look younger. And casual sex with different partners did not help prevent wrinkles. If anything, Weeks said, the stress and pressure made for premature aging. "Masturbation was a healthy alternative to sex," Weeks said, "but would not be as beneficial as copulation". For monogamous relationships, however, the instructions are clear: get out the candles and romantic music.
[Copyright 1999, Reuters]
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WOULD LIKE TO STAY YOUNG,
BUT DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY...
Arcuately reciprocating human sexual fitness machine; March 12, 1999; Abstract: The invention is an arcuately reciprocating human sexual fitness machine having male and female seats from which the female occupant may pivot and reciprocate along an arcuate path forwardly about a horizontal axis toward and away from the other seat, and may also reciprocate along a horizontal path. Counterbalancing of the female seat provides a levitating effect as the seat pivots forward. The machine provides a device for a male and female couple to engage in intercourse while both are seated, and able to be in complete and uninterrupted frontal contact upwardly from the genital region. The female seat is provided with an integral upper high restraint, a remote abutting surface for contact with the occupant of the male seat and is bifurcated to produce an open center for sexual access with a sitting surface forward of the horizontal pivoting axis of the seat.
Ex Claim Text: A human sexual fitness machine to assist a human male and female couple to engage in sexual intercourse with reduced effect of gravity or the reduced expenditure of substantial energy comprising: a seat for each of said female and male of said couple operatively associated with said machine, said male and female seats positioned to substantially face each other, means positioned on said machine for reciprocating movement of the female seat independently of the male seat and selectively continually toward and away from the male seat, means positioned on said machine and connected to the female seat for independently and selectively continually pivoting said female seat about a horizontal axis relative to the other seat, whereby said couple seated upon said seats may control their engagement in sexual intercourse while substantially supported by the seats thereby reducing the amount of energy required or the body control necessary. Patent Number: 5875779 Issue Date: 1999 03 02 If you would like to purchase a copy of this patent, please call MicroPatent at 800-648-6787. Inventor(s): Fuhrman, Andrew M. Fuhrman, Roxanne S.
[Copyright 1999, MicroPatent Publications]
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]
Retailer Wal-Mart Stores Inc. said Tuesday its Bubbly Chubbies toys are similar to Teletubbies, but that it had received a legal opinion that its toys did not infringe any copyrights.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Wal-Mart lawyers stressed the differences noting its version of Tinky Winky was so manly it nailed several of the Barbie dolls after store hours and never even bothered to call them back.
A sweeping government study of antidepressants found that Prozac works no better than older medicines.
So, listen up if you're down in the dumps: don't throw away those leeches just yet!
Vice President Al Gore asked Democratic leaders Saturday to "stand with me" as he seeks to be elected president.
Okay, but not during a storm. Too much of a chance of being hit by lightning.
Whitewater figure Susan McDougal broke four years of silence Tuesday to say that President Clinton told the truth about the Whitewater scandal.
She came across as poised and confident, in what appeared to be a slightly soiled blue Gap cocktail dress.
Michael Copp, 19, of Elyria Ohio was fined $1,500 and ordered to repay $2,513 Monday for stealing his mother's credit card to pay for his girlfriend's breast enlargement.
He did, however, retain visitation rights to "the children".
Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke is seeking the Congressional seat vacated when Louisiana Rep. Bob Livingston resigned over adultery revelations.
Two guys doing something stupid under the sheets.
THE TOP FIVE COMMERCIALS AIRED DURING THE LEWINSKY / WALTERS INTERVIEW (and yes, these really did air during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine "It actually has the power to remove stains!"
CYBERSEX ETIQUETTE THE OFFICIAL RULES...
[Thanks to Peter CAUS Citizens Against UFO Secrecy ]
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. (Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.)
As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e.:
- Oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours
- I just love your hot, wet posse (kinda puts a western slant on things hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though)
- Oh baby, you have such a big coke (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that)
- That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint (go ahead, make my day)
- and the proverbial Oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel.
If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyberorgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say, "HUH? I never got your message". Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going.
Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
USEFUL WORK PHRASES
[Thanks to John]
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude woman while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?
11. Which vice-president was upset because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?
BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F. Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach?
- Jack Rabbit
- Jumper Jack
- Mattress Jack
- John F. Kennedy
- Bill Clinton
- Lyndon B. Johnson
- Thomas Jefferson
- Bill Clinton
- Andrew Jackson
- George Washington
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
- Warren G. Harding
- John F. Kennedy
- Lyndon B. Johnson
- Lyndon B. Johnson
BONUS QUESTION: c.
Billy Ray pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Billy Ray recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations ]
GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. I RELY ON THEM
NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
I HATE EVERYBODY, AND YOU'RE NEXT
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU
AND YOUR POINT IS...........
I USED TO SCHIZOPHRENIC, BUT WE'RE OK NOW
I'M BUSY. YOU'RE UGLY. HAVE A NICE DAY
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
REMEMBER MY NAME... YOU'LL BE SCREAMING IT LATER
YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME
DON'T WORRY. IT'LL ONLY SEEM KINKY THE FIRST TIME...
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
WHY DO PEOPLE WITH CLOSED MINDS
ALWAYS OPEN THEIR MOUTHS?
I'M MULTI-TALENTED: I CAN TALK
AND PISS YOU OFF AT THE SAME TIME
YOU, ME, WHIPPED CREAM, HANDCUFFS. ANY QUESTIONS?
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT STOP WITH ME
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,
SO PLEASE SHUT UP
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS
THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
SORRY I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY
NOBODY KNOWS I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR
JUMPING FOR JOY
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
THE TOP 15 LEAST POPULAR NAMES FOR STREET GANGS
15. The Lords of the Dance
14. The Bitter and Self-absorbed Grad School Dropouts
13. Delicate Hummels
12. The Joyful Mysteries
11. Tommy Tutone Tappers
10. The Promise Keepers
9. The Bullseyes
8. The Crotchety Out-of-Work Impeachment Managers
7. Los Losers
6. The Tinky Winkys
5. East Side Gandhis
3. The G Street Webmasters
2. The Pig-Latin Ings-Kay
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Popular Name for a Street Gang...
1. The Disciples of Tesh
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TECH SUPPORT REQUEST
[Thanks to John Folsom]
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Jonathan Powell
Dear Jonathan Powell:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING: Do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
Frequently use Communicator 5.0
THINGS ONE SHOULD NEVER SAY DURING SEX (PART II)
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic don't you?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Er... Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin, too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
THE TOP 12 PAT BUCHANAN CAMPAIGN PROMISES
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Arch-conservative TV political gadfly Pat Buchanan has recently announced his candidacy for the Republican Party nomination for President in the year 2000. As if that weren't funny enough, we made a list about it...
12. "I'll put the White back in White House!"
11. Christian/Heathen Straight/Sodomite Caucasian/Troublemaker I'll teach America to divide things into helpful categories!
10. New right-wing PBS children's programming: "The TeleNazis"
9. 20% across-the-board tax reduction
30% across-the-board tolerance reduction
8. Jesus loves you and so do I. (The preceding promise should be considered null and void in West Hollywood, South Beach, Fire Island and Key West.)
7. Will annex Sudatenland, invade Poland.
6. To build a wall across the Canadian border to keep out those damn Frostbacks.
5. Will appoint an Independent Counsel to investigate "those Jews."
4. Right after deer season abortion clinic worker season!
3. Special inaugural wipe of his ass on the Bill of Rights.
2. Appoint a special legislative committee to look into this "All men are created equal" crap.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pat Buchanan Campaign Promise...
1. Whip that liberal pinko Jesse Helms into shape.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE STORY OF CREATION (OR WHY MEN ARE...)
[Thanks to John]
Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.
Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists uncovered ancient, original texts that predate Moses' writings by 1,300 years.
Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible.
" ...and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young.
And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom..."
There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.
And so it was, God created Man...
MEN FIGHT BACK !!!
[Thanks to John]
How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do woman have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "a man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass more gas than woman do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first??? The dog, at least he will shut up when you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so we can tell them apart.
What's worse than a "Male Chauvinist Pig"? A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? "Pregnant".
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was... "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months... I don't like to interrupt.
What do they call a woman who lost 90% of her intelligence? "Divorced".
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% Wedding Cake.
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE...
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
The wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never before. She was screaming and gyrating and shaking uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she fainted!
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago or anytime since that I can remember!"
The women, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says, "Forty years ago that darn fence wasn't electrified!"