THE WEEKLY RIOT
March 19, 1999
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
— Mark Twain
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin———————————————————————————————————————
PMS is feeling the way Linda Tripp looks. — Fran Tuno(Copyright © 1999, Chris White
)
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
In regard to the same vodka story above...
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
"Ohhh yeah, *shaken* not _stirred_ ... that's right."
Elizabeth Dole officially announced Wednesday she's forming an exploratory committee for the 2000 Republican presidential nomination.
If victorious, she plans to name her husband Secretary of Viagraculture.
The number of American adults behind bars has doubled in the last 12 years, and now the United States is creeping toward Russia's No. 1 spot as the country with the highest rate of incarceration.
Coincidentally, a survey of inmates indicates that the population of "real killers" has risen an equal amount.
One month to the day after he was acquitted in the Senate impeachment trial, William Jefferson Clinton returned to a place called Hope to dedicate his birthplace as a historical site.
The home will be adjacent and connected to the National Oral Sex Hall of Fame.
Texas Governor George W. Bush says he has formed an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of running for president in 2000.
Read my lips: No More Bushes.
———————————————————————————————————————
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
A NEW STROKE IN THE CANDIDATE POOL
HIGHTSTOWN, NJ (DPI) — Vinnie Vidivicci, proprietor of the Exit 9 Auto Body Shop, declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President this week. When asked by reporters how he decided to run, Vidivicci explained that his wife had walked in on shop employees Brenda Overmore and Linda Derite removing his pants and putting on latex gloves. "I had to tell her something, you know, so I said they were my exploratory committee and they was checking for blemishes on my record. She bought it and was kinda impressed, so I'm going through with it." As to Ms. Overmore and Ms. Derite, "I made them my advance people, which isn't half wrong. I make advances on them all the time, you know."
Asked what his positions are, Vidivicci replied, "I'm a moderate guy and I want to stick to the middle, you know. Brenda on one side, Linda on the other." One reporter had to be taken to the hospital after asking if Vidivicci had been working on his stump speech. After it was explained that this did not refer to a sexual dysfunction, Vidivicci gave the following statement: "I want to make the surplus grow. We need a healthy surplus, a firm surplus, so we can plunge it into holes in the budget. Thrust it into where it's needed. We've got to come together in this country. It's hard getting people closer, but with enough lubricant, we can cling to each other, smooth over the rough spots, and achieve the climax of all our efforts." — Reported by Jonathan Colan
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Brad — Brad Keimach's Home Page ]
Three blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern. The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."
The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"
She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh!"
The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC."
Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"
She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniel's and Coke, Duh!"
The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen." The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means. The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven, Duh!"
DEAR CYBER JOHN:
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:
__ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
__ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
__ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
__ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
__ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
__ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
__ You typed your own name at the end.
__ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
__ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
__ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
__ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
__ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
__ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
__ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
__ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.
__ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
__ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
__ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand,
__ [screen name]
__ you misbegotten son-of-a-bitch
__ sir/madam
__ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],
that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney.
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]
ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED...
[Thanks to Craig]
One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
AIRLINE QUOTES
DEPARTURES
• "Good afternoon, this is your pilot, thank you for your patience. We are sorry for the delay today, but the machine that rips the handles off your luggage broke down and in an effort to provide the quality service you have grown to expect we have had to manually rip the baggage handles off, which took us longer."
• "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
• "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a
full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
• "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
• "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
THE SMOKING SECTION
• "We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
• "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
ROUGH LANDINGS
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!"
• An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"
• An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
• On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
• Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
GREAT EXIT LINES
• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants."
• "Please do not leave children or spouses."
• "Last one off the plane must clean it."
A *TRULY* SCARY JOKE...
Dan Quayle has announced his intention to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many of the things he said were instantly forgettable and since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." — D.Q. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." — D.Q., 12/6/89
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." — D.Q. to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." — D.Q. in US News and World Report (10/10/88)
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." — D.Q., misquoting the NAACP's motto, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste", in a speech to members of that organization.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." — D.Q., 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change." — D.Q., 5/22/89
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
"May our nation continue to be the beakon (sic) of hope to the world." — The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." — D.Q., 8/11/89
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." — D.Q., 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy." — D.Q. to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple. Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." — D.Q., 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." — D.Q., 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." — D.Q., 9/18/90
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." — D.Q., Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." — D.Q., 5/20/92
"[Abortion] is not an issue with the American people. It is a figment of your imagination if you think that this is an issue that is talked about a lot." — D.Q. to reporters while flying back to Washington on September 23. [From the Associated Press 9/24/92]
"You're a very strong woman. Though this would be a traumatic experience that you would never forget, I think that you would be very successful in life." — Senator D.Q. telling an 11-year-old girl why he would want her to have the baby if she were raped by her father, 10/18/88
"Most women do not want to be liberated from their essential natures as women." — D.Q., while campaigning in Kansas City, MO, 9/2/92
"Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women." — D.Q. talking about breast cancer
"This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will happen." — D.Q. at a campaign stop at CA State Fresno, 1/17/92
"I've heard people say that [I have a short attention span]. I don't feel I do, because when I'm interested in something I'll stay in focus as long as it necessary. If you get off on something I'm not very interested in, it's very easy for me to block it out. It's easy for me to block things out." — D.Q., 12-JAN-92
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I was known as the chief grave robber of my state."
"It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America." — Senator D.Q., 10/20/88
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
PAINTING A MASTERPIECE...
[Thanks to Craig]
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
COMPARISON OF RELIGIOUS THEORY IN THE LATE 20th CENTURY
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
• Capitalism — He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hare Krishna — He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Catholicism — He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican — They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox — No, they were OURS first.
• Branch Davidians — He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
• Atheism — There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism — There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism — The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist — We are the toys.
• Communism — Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
• Bahai — All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish — Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism — The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
• Mormonism — Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Hedonism — To heck with the rule book! Let's play!
• Hinduism — He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• Seventh Day Adventist — He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ — He whose toys make music, loses.
• Baptist — Once played, always played.
• Jehovah's Witnesses — He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism — He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism — Toys are a figment of your imagination.
• Confucianism — Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
• Non-denominationalism — We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Agnosticism — It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
• Buddhism — The desire for toys is the cause of all suffering in the world.
• Voodoo — Let me borrow that doll for a second.
HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 22 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES
[Thanks to Craig]
1. English: I Love You
2. Spanish: Te Amo
3. French: Je T'aime
4. German: Ich Liebe Dich
5. Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
6. Italian: Ti Amo
7. Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
8. Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
9. Eskimo: Nagligivaget
10. Greek: S'Agapo
11. Hawaiian: Aloha Wau la Oe
12. Irish: Thaim In Grabh Leat
13. Hebrew: Ani Ohev Otakh
14. Russian: Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
15. Albanian: Une Te Dua
16. Finnish: Mina Rakkastan Sinua
17. Turkish: Seni Seviyorum
18. Hungarian: Se Ret Lay
19. Persian: Du Stet Daram
20. Maltese: Jien Inhobbok
21. Catalan: Testimo Molt
22. Redneck: Nice Boobs
THE TOP 11 DRAWBACKS OF A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
11. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.
10. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.
9. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.
8. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.
7. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.
6. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.
5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first," crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.
4. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.
3. FedEx's drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.
2. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Drawback of a Long-distance Relationship...
1. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE FACTS OF LIFE...
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.
The little boy went to his father and asked, "Daddy, what are these condoms?"
The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments, and then asked, "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"
The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."
"Uh huh," said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"
The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."
"WOW!" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"
The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."
IRAQI TV GUIDE
[Thanks to Brad]
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News
MORE ON LOVE, LUST, AND MARRIAGE...
[Thanks to Craig]
• LOVE — When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
• LUST — When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
• MARRIAGE — When you lose your child in crowded room.
• LOVE — When intercourse is called "making love".
• LUST — When intercourse is called "screwing".
• MARRIAGE — What the hell are you talking about?
• LOVE — When you argue over how many children to have.
• LUST — When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
• MARRIAGE — When you argue over money.
• LOVE — When you share everything you own.
• LUST — When you steal everything they own.
• MARRIAGE — When the bank owns everything.
• LOVE — When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
• LUST — When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
• MARRIAGE — What's a climax?
• LOVE — When you phone each other just to say, "Hi".
• LUST — When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
• MARRIAGE — When you phone each other to bitch.
• LOVE — When you write poems about your partner.
• LUST — When all you write is your phone number.
• MARRIAGE — When all you write is checks.
• LOVE — When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
• LUST — When you couldn't give a shit.
• MARRIAGE — When your only concern is what's on TV.
• LOVE — When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
• LUST — When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
• MARRIAGE — When your farewell is a relief.
• LOVE — When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
• LUST — When you only see each other naked.
• MARRIAGE — When you never see each other awake.
• LOVE — When your heart flutters every time you see them.
• LUST — When your groin twitches every time you see them.
• MARRIAGE — When your wallet empties every time you see them.
• LOVE — When nobody else matters.
• LUST — When nobody else knows.
• MARRIAGE — When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
• LOVE — When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
• LUST — When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
• MARRIAGE — When you listen to talk radio.
• LOVE — When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
• LUST — When staying together is something you try not to think about.
• MARRIAGE — When just getting through today is your only thought.
• LOVE — When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
• LUST — When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
• MARRIAGE — When you're only interested in your golf score.
THINGS ONE SHOULD NEVER SAY DURING SEX (PART I)
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• You woke me up for that?
• Did I mention the video camera?
• (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
• Try breathing through your nose.
• A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think — I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• So much for mouth-to-mouth.
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
SPECIAL DELIVERY...
[Thanks to Brad]
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it — a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?*
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(scroll down)
No?
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(scroll down a little more)
Hmmm...
*
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You didn't get the letter either, huh??
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