THE WEEKLY RIOT
March 12, 1999
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
As I lay there, fighting for my last breath, wracked by pain, unable to move, I realized that indeed there are some things NOT worth dying for...so I ditched the WonderCorset. Anna L. Juarez
If hindsight is 20/20, does that make Heinz-sight 57/57? Rebecca Martz
You can get more with a kind word and a buttload of cash than you can with just a kind word. Bob Roth
Only time will tell, but I think someday Monica Lewinsky's name will grace the halls of the Groupie Hall of Fame. Ben Gillihan
Sometimes I just stare at my computer screen and wonder what technology hath wrought. Other times I stare at it and think, "Those have *got* to be fake." Gregor Young
Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors. Mike Hayward
If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler. Quan Choi
Each day while at work, I attempt to "create a Picasso", but I usually realize while driving home that I only painted a velvet Elvis. Carolyn Agriesti
It can't be cruel and *unusual* punishment, because I've heard of it before. Barbara Rush
I'm saving all the info I can find regarding the Y2K problem. That way I'll be ready for Y3K next year. Bob Williams
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) Many men have had love affairs with their cars. Buster Mitchell wanted to make it official. Jilted by his girlfriend, a bereft Mitchell decided he wanted to marry his true love his 1996 Mustang GT. "I've been broken hearted and hung out to dry, so I am going to the courthouse and try to marry my car," Mitchell said before attempting to get a marriage license Thursday. Mitchell, 28, didn't get very far in the application before the clerk dashed his dreams. Only men and women can marry under Tennessee law, officials explained. It was sometime after he listed his fiance's birthplace as "Detroit," her father as "Henry Ford" and her blood type as "10-W-40" that his plans sputtered.
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
ROCHESTER, NY (DPI) Due to time zones, which always make it either yesterday or tomorrow somewhere in the world, so no one really knows what day it is anyway; and the misalignment of the planets, causing Jupiter and Venus to mate, (producing tiny, cute little asteroids); and the unprecedented number of first-run programs on network TV, so there was something for everybody to watch, The Probe regrets to report there was no world news yesterday. And let's not forget it's a proven scientific fact that the world begins and ends with the United States anyway. So there. Reported by Flick Bauer
--== THE DAILY PROBE PERSONALS==--
* SWM 27, seeks dagger-hurling dragon-lady.
* SWM 27, Me: Slurred speech, knit cap, night-vision-goggle wearer. You: Helpless, young schoolgirl lost on the wrong side of town.
* SWM 27, I swear to God, if you don't respond to this ad I'll kill myself. Can you live with that kind guilt?
* SWM 27, Ever wake up in the middle of the night just screaming? Ever kill a guy with your bare hands just to see him die? Do you live your life racing from self-loathing hatred to spite-inducing egotism? I'll meet you somewhere in the middle.
(Personals moderator Chaz Braman just happens to be 27 years old.)
[Thanks to Deborah and Paul]
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
( O )( O ) D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) Flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| Android breasts
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman asked as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
THE TOP 14 WAYS BARBIE CELEBRATED HER 40th BIRTHDAY
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Mattel's Barbie turned 40 years old on Monday. Hard to believe, isn't it? It seems like only yesterday she was a 10 year old with a 40-inch bust.
14. Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
13. Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
12. For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky."
11. Got "dollfaced."
10. Same as last year had another rib removed.
9. Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
8. Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of
her biological clock.
7. Dumped Ken. Flashed thong at Bill. Waited for million dollar book deal.
6. Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
5. Same as every day curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese
coffee blend and Snackwells cookies.
4. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
3. Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends just like the rest of us do.
2. Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday...
1. Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GATES OF HEAVEN???
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations ]
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver."
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]
The male sexual organ REQUESTS A PROMOTION and a raise for the following reasons:
has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
has a hazardous work environment that often causes
REQUEST DENIED for the following reasons:
does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
does not have a degree;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
GREAT COMEBACK LINES
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
CHILDREN'S PROPERTY LAWS
[Thanks to Sharon]
1) If I like it, it's mine.
2) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7) If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8) If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9) If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10) If it's broken, it's yours
11) If I ...
Whoops, sorry I goofed. Instead of reading the Children's Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Current Business Plan.
THE TOP 14 SPECIAL POWERS OF THE YOUNG DARTH VADER
14. Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet.
13. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house.
12. The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies.
11. Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10. Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9. For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression.
8. Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7. The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6. Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito.
5. Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain.
4. Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3. The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him.
2. "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Special Power of the Young Darth Vader...
1. Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
The psychiatrist asked his patient, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to he clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SINGLE (PART 2)
13. The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.
12. Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."
11. It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.
10. Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.
9. You're ALREADY in line for "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."
8. Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of "unnecessary surgery."
7. Three words: rm weiner tattoo
6. Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.
5. You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn't* work? Bingo.
4. Nights are so lonely that you watch "Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.
3. Even after years of therapy, you still wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."
2. No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Going to Spend The Rest Of Your Life Single...
1. Once you've had the President, no other man will do.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
[Thanks to Craig]
A woman recently lost her husband and had him cremated. She brought his ashes home in an urn and poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him. Tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money."
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money too."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Well here it comes."
PERHAPS DR. RUTH WOULD'VE BEEN A LITTLE KINDER...
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see... that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
EMERGENCY ROOM STORIES
(Starring potential Jerry Springer guests or perhaps future Darwin Awards candidates...)
[Thanks to Sharon]
A few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either.
AND THE WINNER IS...
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The husband yells in excitement, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out!"
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:
[Thanks to Craig]
You went to grade school with your mother-in-law.
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.
You think espresso means 8 items or less.
Your favorite kind of wine is strawberry.
DILBERT'S WORDS OF WISDOM
[Thanks to Craig]
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
POSSIBLE TITLES MONICA SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN FOR HER NEW BOOK
[Thanks to Craig]
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Secret Services to the President
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business