THE WEEKLY RIOT
March 8, 1999
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time.
There are too many mediocre things in life love shouldn't be one of them."
From the movie "Dream for an Insomniac"
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elayne Boosler
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfield
Wouldn't you just love to see the looks on the faces of the parents whose son brings home Monica Lewinsky for dinner? Meghan Skinner
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we don't shave our legs for four weeks and then stuff them into pantyhose. Elizabeth McLeod
Sometimes I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could just live together in peace?" But then I think, "Well, that really wouldn't be fair to professional wrestlers, would it?" Lev Spiro
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
ELECTORAL DYSFUNCTION MANCHESTER, NH (DPI): Faster than you can say "see you when I get back from Canada," the race for the White House in 2000 has kicked into high gear. GOP hopefuls gathered at the First New Hampshire Church of Abstention to out-bid each other for the support of the religious right.
Front-runner George W. Bush promised to hunt down all of his "youthful indiscretions" and personally make sure they repent for leading him into temptation. "It is simply intolerable," he said, "that these harlots with their tight sweaters led me astray during college and the twenty or so years following."
Dan Quayle went further, promising to make all sinners stand in the stocks on Wall Street that he's heard so much about.
Pat Buchanan promised to post "Soul Troopers" at the doors of public libraries who would beat the fear of God into any of "those people; you know, them folks who read."
On the Democratic side, Vice President Al Gore has been going around the country assuring state party leaders that he hasn't so much as touched another woman since he married Tipper, and for the last 10 years he hasn't gone near her either.
Meanwhile, former Senator Bill Bradley has stopped passing out his old New York Knick NBA cards at rallies, in an attempt to show he's not as boring as he sounds, after a confused process server handed him a paternity suit summons.
Democratic leaders are just glad that a poll of self-described twenty-something skanks revealed that Gore and Bradley placed just below Bob "Gilligan" Denver as "men I'd like to show my underwear to." Reported by Jonathan Colan
CORRECTION In an issue of the Daily Probe published in late January, 1998, we reported that President Clinton did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. One of our reporters was channel surfing Wednesday night, between South Park episodes, and happened across Barbara Walters interviewing Miss Lewinsky, and apparently that woman did in fact give the President a few hummers. No, not THAT woman, Miss Walters that other woman, Miss Lewinsky. We apologize for any misleading implication in our story last year, and just wish that some hint of this revelation had been brought to light by Ken Starr, what with all his investigating and all. We have no information on whether that other woman, Miss Walters, has had sex with that man (no, not THAT man, Mr. Starr; that other man, Mr. Clinton), but we will keep you informed as information becomes available, except if it happens during South Park. If that woman, Miss Walters, has had sex with that man, Mr. Starr, we'd rather not know about it.
--== THE DAILY PROBE CLASSIFIEDS ==--
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Judi left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents.
She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.
Judi took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Gayle (another blonde) came by and inquired what she was doing.
Judi said, "I'm blowing on the tailpipe to get the dents out of the sides."
Gayle replied, "Oh... look, to make it work, you have to have the windows rolled up."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)
[Thanks to Craig and Sharon The Book of Affirmations ]
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde...
THE OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Sharon]
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
HOW TO PAY YOUR TAX BILL
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
MORE ON CLINTON...
[Thanks to Craig]
What was the last gift Bill gave to Monica? Spot remover.
The FBI finally came back with the DNA results. Clinton was a perfect match. So was all of Arkansas.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Bill Clinton screws interns, not light bulbs.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.
BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND DC
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Home Page ]
From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day we didn't have MTV or inline skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer, and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have handheld calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes, we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
[Thanks to Sam]
On the morning show at WBAM-FM in Chicago, they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only, please.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here, man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I... ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian, where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we?
(touch tones, ringing)
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian...
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA, Sara. They are on strike. Sarahellooooooanyonehome?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and....
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord... I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on, honey. It's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go, Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
DJ: We will be right back.
[Thanks to Craig]
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the TONGUE.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
In Medieval England the Christian Church demanded that newly married couples spend the first three nights of their wedding without having intercourse. However, a "fine" could be paid to the church in order for the couple to consummate their union.
The Mohaves men of New Mexico would not perform oral sex on their partner. They believed that if their face came too close they would go blind.
Among the Tully River tribe in Queensland, Australia believed that by roasting a fish over an open fire that he would succeed in impregnating a woman.
Hottentot women had their marriages prearranged by their fathers. If the young woman refused her father's choice for her mate, she was allowed to protect her virginity only by fending of the spouse on her wedding night by any means necessary tooth, nails or fists.
The Cayapan Indians of Southern Ecuador refer to the act of intercourse as "the vagina eating the penis." Some men interpret this literally, and in return are quite afraid to have engage in sexual activity.
Up until as late as the 19th century, English spouses had the option of selling each other in an open market, some times for dowry, or just for a "simple purchase." It was usually the male who would sell the female, but there were instances of the wife unloading the husband. Husbands were cheaper to buy.
If you and your partner stress over birth control think about this:
To avoid pregnancy the women of ancient Rome were instructed to spit in the mouth of a frog three times. Additionally, they would wear a leather pouch containing the liver of a cat around their left foot during sexual intercourse.
Women of Northern Siberia show their interest in a man by throwing slugs at him.
IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN...
[Thanks to Brad]
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.
We can wear platforms which is why there is no such thing as a 'short woman's complex'.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions... and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
We got off the Titanic first.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous they look like complete dicks in ours.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order... Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing).
But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean... Ever.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on the back of a deposit slip.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
THE TOP 13 SURPRISING NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2000
13. And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
12. The Antichrist will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
11. The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
10. Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
9. A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
8. Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
7. In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
6. The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
5. A child will repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny.
4. Joy and happiness reign supreme as five billion people realize they'll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-Prince.
3. Cubs win! Cubs win! Cubs win!
2. A giant, fiery ball will drop from the skies onto the Square of Times in the New City of York, causing much screaming and wailing.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprising Nostradamus Prediction for the Year 2000...
1. As the new millennium approaches, morons will cry out and hoard large quantities of food.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW CHURCH MEMBERS
[Thanks to Craig]
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well, pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"I know," said the young man, with drooped shoulders, "We're not welcome at Safeway any more either."
THE ICE CREAM PERSONALITY TEST
[Thanks to Deborah]
Learn all about your personality...
Pick your favorite flavor of ice cream from the following:
BR> Pick your flavor before you continue...
- Butter pecan
- Chocolate chip
Don't peek! Are you ready to learn about your personality?
A national manufacturer of ice cream, Edy's Grand Ice Cream, commissioned an ice cream flavorology study to determine how ice cream preferences relate to personality. The study, conducted by Dr. Alan R. Hirsch (MD), Neurological Director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, revealed that distinct personalities correspond with ice cream flavors.
- If you like VANILLA, you are colorful, impulsive, a risk taker who sets high goals and has high expectations of yourself. You also enjoy close family relationships.
- If you like CHOCOLATE, you are lively, creative, dramatic, charming, enthusiastic, and the life of the party. Chocolate fans enjoy being at the center of attention and can become bored with the usual routine.
- If you like BUTTER PECAN, you are orderly, perfectionistic, careful, detail-oriented, conscientious, ethical, and fiscally conservative. You are also competitive, aggressive in sports, and the take-charge type of personality.
- If you like BANANA, you are easy going, well adjusted, generous, honest, and empathetic.
- If you like STRAWBERRY, you are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail oriented, opinionated, introverted, and self critical.
- If you like CHOCOLATE CHIP, you are generous, competitive, and accomplished. You are charming in social situations, ambitious, and competent.
The flavorology research "compatibility chart" for ice cream lovers.
If your favorite flavor is:
- VANILLA - you are most likely to be compatible with someone whose favorite flavor is vanilla.
- CHOCOLATE compatible with butter pecan or chocolate chip.
- BUTTER PECAN compatible with butter pecan, chocolate and chocolate chip.
- BANANA compatible with all flavors
- STRAWBERRY compatible with chocolate chip.
- CHOCOLATE CHIP compatible with butter pecan or chocolate.
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