THE WEEKLY RIOT
March 5, 1999
"When life is left to its whims, then love is tossed to the fates and liberated in a blind embrace of passion."
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Love: a grave mental illness. Plato
Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation. Unknown
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Unknown
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. Rajesh Kumar
Every once in awhile I get the urge to use my evil genius to crush and enslave the globe without mercy, but then I realize I'd probably just hurt my back, so I grab a beer and go back to the couch instead. David James
If I wake up one day and found myself inside a coffin and everybody thought I was dead, I'd probably wait till Larry from Accounting came to take a last look at me, then I'd suddenly spring up and tell everybody I'm still alive just so I can scare him witless. Because, let's face it, I hate the guy's guts. Justin Tuazon
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
GOOD PLAN: "Illinois Mulls Capital Punishment Reform after Mistakes" (AFP headline)
THE BUZZ: Britain's government-sponsored Family Planning Association is considering adding sex toys and vibrators to its current lineup of sex advice and contraceptive services. "We want to destigmatize sex aids for people," especially the disabled, insists an FPA spokeswoman. Meanwhile, the state of Alabama has passed a new law banning the sale of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs". Several women who say they need vibrators to achieve sexual satisfaction have sued to block the law, which is now on hold pending the outcome of the suit. If the law goes into effect, violators will face a year in jail and a $10,000 fine. (Reuters, AP)
(England apparently knew what it was doing when it allowed the Puritans to emigrate to the New World.)
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) NBC News aired a story this week about an accusation that President Clinton killed a man in 1974, who no one has been able to confirm ever existed. NBC spokesperson, Jerry Nihilism, stated that the network plans to air all serious allegations it is unable to verify any week ER is in reruns. A Texas man then accused George W. Bush of selling invisible narcotics to an undercover detective, now deceased, in 1982. CNN investigated, and finding no records whatsoever of this, had Larry King interview the cast of The Nanny about their feelings regarding the accusation. The Wall Street Journal will run a week-long series next month on whether Al Gore chopped down trees in a forest in the late '60s when no one was around to hear it. In response, George Magazine will run an in-depth story of yet unborn people Dan Quayle could theoretically kill twenty years from now. Legal experts are troubled by this trend, worried about the ethics of collecting legal fees for hypothetical libel actions by nonexistent people. Reported by Jonathan Colan
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) News from the political front sheds light on why the Republicans remained seated and did not clap during the President's State of the Union address last month. In an exclusive report, The Probe has discovered that Manny Guffaws, President Clinton's appointed "Joint" Chief of Humor, had masterminded a real
"zippergate." Before the speech, Mr. Guffaws enlisted a team of midgets to mingle with the Republican members and Super Glue their zippers in the open position. The Republicans, reluctant to expose their most partisan "members," chose rather to sit quietly, fume, and plot sweet revenge.
On an upbeat note for the legislators from the far right, Carnival Cruise Lines has offered jobs to all who are voted out in the next two elections. With the addition of six new ships, Carnival expects to have at least 300 entry-level jobs for the former legislators. Mr. Henry Hyde is not expected to be named new limbo instructor. In related news: Word out of Bismarck, ND, is that the new political party, the "Not-Republicans," has received many requests for change-of-affiliation papers. Reported by Ambergris mOoOn
--== THE DAILY PROBE PERSONALS ==--
* SWM 27, Serial monogamist seeks victim. The looks of Ted Bundy, the social skills of Ted Knight.
* SWM 27, Ouch! You're on my hair. Roll over. Can I have some of the blanket, please? Forget it. I'm going home.
* SWM 27, Helpless victim seeks heartless SWF 21-35 for emotional target practice and ignored restraining orders.
* SWM 27, still coping with the shuttle disaster, seeks leaky O-ring for a very special "major malfunction."
* SWM 27, seeks someone who would never read this ad. How ironic I'm screwed, but not in a good way.
(Personals moderator Chaz Braman remains 27 years old.)
"The Daily Probe", Copyright © 1999, Chris White
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
WHO SAID BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN???
(Redheaded Goddesses know better... LOL)
Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde walking by.
First sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he, indeed, has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
First sailor, "Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
Second sailor, "Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"
They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.
First sailor, "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"
His companion looks at him with surprise and replies, "Not a wink!"
TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
[Thanks to Craig]
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
THE TOP 13 REJECTED PLOT LINES ON "E.R."
13. The SPCA steps in after a little girl brings in her pet bunny "Lucky" with a torn ear and it leaves a quadruple amputee.
12. Jerry Falwell leads picketing demonstrators outside as Tinky Winky's antenna is reattached after a freak lightning strike.
11. Ross and Benton get stuck in a knot while performing simultaneous penile enlargement surgery on each other.
10. Dr. Carter stumbles upon a mysterious ring of kidney thieves.
9. Dr. Weaver gets a tryout with this year's Bulls team and becomes a starter!
8. While retrieving something from the supply room, a tank of oxygen falls on Dr. Greene's head, causing amnesia making him forget to feed the vacationing Nurse Hathaway's pet goldfish, until a fight with his evil twin results in yet another blow to the head but of course it's too late, so he attempts to pass off a similar fish as the original. Hilarity ensues.
7. Green, Ross, Benton and Carter stumble all over themselves when guest star Pamela Anderson springs a silicone leak.
6. Jerry enjoys a particularly tasty ham sandwich.
5. Drs. Ross and Greene are paralyzed when they are pinned beneath their wallets.
4. Nurse Hathaway goes postal after yet another botched attempt at hair-straightening.
3. Robin Williams guests as Snatch Adams, a comedian/gynecologist with a heart of gold.
2. Charo and Jerry Van Dyke meet, fall in love, break up, then get back together thanks to some timely advice from Isaac, the new X-ray technician.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Plot Line on "E.R."...
1. Dr. Greene explains the miracle of birth to Dr. Quayle.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY MIND OF STEVEN WRIGHT:
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
[Thanks to Craig]
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They already have boyfriends.
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? The one who can eat the last two donuts.
Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.
[Thanks to John]
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away. (But does he CALL? NOOOOOO...)
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for "penis."
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch'.
The Law of Volunteering If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Common Sense Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Motivation Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Boob's Law You always find something in the last place you look.
Weiler's Law Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology There is always one more bug.
Law of Drunkenness You can't fall off the floor.
Heller's Law The first myth of management is that it exists.
Osborne's Law Variables won't; constants aren't.
Main's Law For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Weinberg's Second Law If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SINGLE (PART 1)
13. Although you know the batting average of every New York Yankee, you can't remember your girlfriend's dress size or the color of her eyes... or her name.
12. Let's put it this way: In the "Mr. Hairy Back" pageant, you wouldn't have to settle for the congeniality award.
11. The makers of "Frozen Meals For One" made you their "Customer of the Year" again.
10. In your world, nothing says "I love you" like a head butt.
9. You suggest the topic "Top Signs You're Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single," mistakenly thinking that your equally hopeless fellow contributors might give you some clue as to what you're doing wrong.
8. The 6-inch pumps and leather mini may be a bit too risquι to wear on first dates, mister.
7. Larry Flynt sends you a letter asking you to put the magazine down, go outside, and get some fresh air.
6. Back in high school you were voted "Most likely to die alone, in a big-empty house."
5. Klingon, unfortunately, is not a very romantic language.
4. You'll master the art of meeting women as soon as they make a PlayStation game about it.
3. None of your 23 cats *ever* likes your boyfriend.
2. Your version of foreplay: Drop the remote, brush the Cheetos out of your chest hair, and belch "Come to papa!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Going To Spend The Rest Of Your Life Single...
1. Who has time for dating when you're building a life-size Spock out of LEGOs?
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW DARWIN AWARDS...
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain ]
The Darwin Awards are given every year sometimes more than once to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have improved the human gene pool by removing themselves (or trying to remove themselves) from it. To borrow a line from 'The Lion King,' these folks are definitely from the shallow end of the gene pool to begin with.
GRAVITY KILLSA 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma".
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY...Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and eating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
CATCH!A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU...Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
LOVE, LUST, AND MARRIAGE
[Thanks to John]
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: Aroma French perfume
Lust: Aroma Brut after-shave
Marriage: Aroma "The baby needs changing..."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm..."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands...
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???
WORDS OF WISDOM...
[Thanks to Craig]
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
[Thanks to Peter CAUS Citizens Against UFO Secrecy ]
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the employee is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause." This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fking stupid to own a computer."
(supposedly a true story)
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Home Page ]
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her sopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she knows how to use this gun and she will if required: so get out of the car, NOW!
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the old lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. Small problem: her key wouldn't fit into the ignition. Her identical car was parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told her story nearly tore himself in two laughing and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.
ARE YOU A GOOD GIRL... OR A BAD GIRL????
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
[Thanks to Craig]
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass."
THE TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
[Thanks to Craig]
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
and the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN