February 26, 1999

"Love is the fuel, and passion is the fire."
— Ilmar Island Saar

"Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness the energy of love, and then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will discover fire."
— Teilhard de Chardin

THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.


Well, you know what they say: behind every successful man is an amazed woman. — Unknown

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most. — Unknown


You should never stand in love's way, especially if love is driving a bus. — R. M. Weiner

If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh until you absolutely — I repeat, absolutely — know that they're joking. — Mark Dockham

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one big-ass fight over where to set the thermostat. — Jim Rosenberg

I heard that if you give Alka Seltzer to seagulls, they explode. I'll betcha this is where the word "gullible" comes from. — Paul Paternoster

Copyright © 1998, Chris White


I can say no to drugs, but I should remember that it is considered rude to turn down other people's hospitality.

Just because Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones are outbidding each other for you to appear on their shows does not make you a bad boyfriend.


A DREAM COME TRUE: "Chocolates, Kissing Could Help Fight Cavities" — AFP headline


Copyright © 1999, Chris White

DEER-IN-THE-HEADLIGHTS, VA (DPI) — Dan Quayle today reiterated his plan to seek the Republican nod for President of the United States. With a rousing speech given from the front lawn of his Virginia home, he declared that "the Clinton era is over." Quayle said "We must oust this man who claims to be running the country, when all he is doing is running away from responsibility. Running is always bad; especially if you are holding scissors." When asked about his campaign, Quayle said "I'll be running like crazy. Running for president is hard work, but good work. Running is always good. I am the one man who can beat Bill Clinton."

When reminded that, according to constitutional law, Clinton cannot run for a third term, Quayle commented, "Clinton is a master of manipulating the laws of this land. I am not a master of Constitutional law. And I am proud of that." —- Reported by LeMel Hebert-Williams

WALL STREET (DPI) - Alan Greenspan was seen yesterday combing his hair while looking at a men’s room mirror. The market responded with a 10% downturn that may signal the end of the tech stock boom. — Reported by LeMel Hebert-Williams

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Washington is paralyzed today, after the city finally exhausted all possible conversation about the Clinton/Lewinsky matter. This was expected last week, with the President's acquittal, but pundits were able to stretch an extra half week out of it by critiquing the various players' performance over the past year. Even that topic was finally exhausted yesterday, leaving the city with absolutely nothing to talk about. The crisis began at MSNBC's studio after former prosecutor, Blondie LaRue, paused thoughtfully for 7 minutes and 11 seconds following Alan Dershowitz's
suggestion that House Manager Lindsey Graham (Tom Sawyer — SC) get a paper route, then replied only, "Um, yeah." The silence then spread from MSNBC to every other media outlet in town, enveloped government offices and other businesses, eventually settling over even small independent gas stations on the outskirts of Arlington. The dead air was finally stopped when it reached the outlying town of Burke, Virginia where the first conversation involving Calista Flockhart could be heard.

Internet reporters tried to fill the Washington vacuum by theorizing that Blondie LaRue's 7:11 pause matched the running time of the Beatles' "Hey Jude," therefore implicating President Clinton in the death of Linda McCartney, but when Ken Starr heard the theory,
he merely wept softly into his oatmeal until his wife put a plastic bag over his head to end his misery. Washington is expected to remain silent until the media figures out who the hell the new Speaker of the House is and can dig up a past mistress or something. — Reported by Jonathan Colan

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — A study into the effects of the Y2K bug on our nation's capitol has revealed a chilling truth: unless repairs are made before January 1, 2000, every congressman will be removed from office due to age ineligibility. The only exception will be Strom Thurmond. Rumors that the Y2K situation was actually engineered by Thurmond have so far gone unanswered by his office. When pressed for comment, an anonymous staffer said "Hell, with Senator Thurmond, you never know if he means the end of the 20th or the 19th century." — Reported by Kevin Wickart


Q. Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A. She thought it was diet coke!



Dear Sir:

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:


[Thanks to Craig]

• This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss.
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
• Ancient Persians referred to the male organ in one of two ways. Either a man was a "Zukkar" (a carrot) or a Keer (worm).
• The term "male chauvinist pig" has its origins from 1831 stemming from the play "La Cocarde Tricolore," by Nicolas Chauvin.
• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
• Oriental women were the first to wear undergarments. Eventually, the practice made its way to Europe. Prostitutes were the first women in Europe to wear panties, and many women rejected the article because of its association with prostitutes.
• 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear.
• Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear.
• 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their spouse. (at least they were probably wearing clean underwear...)


NOTE FROM CHRIS: Dan Quayle, the former U.S. Vice President and longtime punching bag of reporters and comedians everywhere, recently announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for President in 2000. While media attention is certain to be focused on Quayle's constant assault on the English language, Top5 decided to look behind the "Dumb Dan" image and focus on the politics of the man in question...

15. Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska
14. "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"
13. Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers
12. To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century".
11. New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"
10. A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war
9. Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court
8. Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool rocket car idea I came up with.
7. More bondage between parents & children.
6. Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the Department of Defense.
5. Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between Star-Bellied Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.
4. "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared for the Y2K bug".
3. Support NATOE
2. Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.

     and's Number 1 Dan Quayle Campaign Promise...

1. Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling Brothers comes through.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Twila]

29. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
28. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
27. You can kill your own food.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
23. Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
22. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
21. Everything on your face stays in its original color.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
18. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
17. Same work, more pay.
16. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
15. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
14. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
13. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
12. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
11. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
10. You almost never have strap problems in public.
9. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
8. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
7. You don't have to shave below your neck.
6. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
5. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
4. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
3. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
2. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

And the # 1 reason for being a man.....

1. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes flat.

[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations ]

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

In response... The male perspective on the same issue...

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

(OK, by VERY unpopular demand, I have been forced into giving equal time to the Republicans...)

Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George Washington. He says, "George, what can I do to make things better for the people?"

George Washington says, "Lower the taxes."

Clinton replies, "Oh, George, I can't do that."

The next night, Clinton dreams again but this time Thomas Jefferson is there. "Thomas," Clinton says, "what can I do to make things better for the public?"

Thomas Jefferson replies, "Lower the taxes."

Clinton says, "Ugh! You, too? I can't do *that*!"

The next night, Clinton dreams yet again, and this time Abraham Lincoln is there.

"Abe Lincoln," Clinton says, "what can I do to make things better for the people?"

Lincoln thinks for a moment and then says...

"Er.... Go to the theater."

[Thanks to Sean]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me Lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"

[Thanks to Sharon]

A Californian, a Texan and a Montanan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer and knocked it back in one gulp. He then threw the glass against the back wall smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Texan finished his margarita and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all rich from oil but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Montanan drank his beer, drew his revolver and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Montana they had so many Californians and Texans they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

[Thanks to Craig]

• Washington, DC: There is a law against having sex any position other than face-to-face. (So then it is illegal to get fucked by Congress, since they bend you over).
• Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: There is a law against having sex with a truck driver a toll booth.
• Fairbanks, Alaska: There is a law against two moose having sex on the city sidewalks.
• Kingsville, Texas: There is a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.
• Alexandria, Minnesota: There is a law against a man having sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
• Ames, Iowa: There is a law against drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying bed with a woman.
• The state of Washington: There is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
• Tremonton, Utah: There is a law against having sex an ambulance.
• Newcastle, Wyoming: There is a law against having sex a butcher shop's meat freezer.
• Ventura County, California: There is a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
• Nevada: There is a law against having sex without a condom.
• Willowdale, Oregon: There is a law against a husband talking dirty his wife's ear during sex.
• Clinton, Oklahoma: There is a law against masturbating while watching two people have sex a car.


• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

• Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
• Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


10. Get a Clue, Charlie Brown — Dilbert Has Been Kicking Your Lame Ass for Years!
9. You are Hereby Ordered to Stay at Least 500 Yards Away from the Little Red-Haired Girl, Charlie Brown!
8. It's Called Rogaine, Charlie Brown!
7. Tinky Winky's Looking at You Funny Again, Charlie Brown!
6. Okay, Marcie, NOW You Can Call Me "Sir"
5. You're Just One Red-Haired Girl Rejection Away from Shooting Up the School, Charlie Brown!
4. Your Beagle is Roadkill, Charlie Brown!
3. Woodstock Meets the Window of Doom
2. Sue That Football-Yankin' Bitch, Charlie Brown!

     and's Number 1 Updated "Peanuts" Special...

1. It's The Great Satan, Saddam Brown!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Deborah]

Have you heard about the new "super sensitive" condom?
It will stick around and talk to you after sex...


Date: January 1, 2000
Subject: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.


[Thanks to Craig]

• What is the best way to get a man to iron his own clothes? Make the ironing board cover look like a racetrack, paint NASCAR logos on the iron and install a computer chip that makes a "Vroom! Vroom!" sound when they move it.
• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
• What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife? Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, babe!"
• What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
• What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
• Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used.
• Why are men so happy? Because ignorance is bliss.
• Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
• If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first? The woman, the man would get lost.
• How are men like commercials? You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
• What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

[Thanks to Craig]

• Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
• Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
• He actually does have your tongue.
• You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
• Cyanide paw prints all over the house.
• You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
• As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
• Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
• Catch him with a new Mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
• Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
• You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
• Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
• Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.


Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up.

The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.

"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.

"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be if you had married him," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the president."

[Thanks to Craig]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"

(Reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations)
[Thanks to Craig]

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
• He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
• He's been working with glue too much.
• He would argue with a signpost.
• He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
• If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• This boy is so confused that he gets tangled up in cordless phone.

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]

• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
• Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You! Off my planet!
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
• And just how may I screw you over today?
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
• Better living through denial.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Adult child of alien invaders.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

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