THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 19, 1999
"Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?"
— Henry Finck
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. — Orson Welles
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. — Unknown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. — Unknown
It had to be a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. — Unknown
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. — W.C. Fields
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege. — Unknown
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. — Rita Mae Brown
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to. — Unknown
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause. — Paul Tindale
I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted! — Chris Caswell
Surprisingly, my boss refuses to accept "the early bird catches the worm" as a valid excuse for leaving work every day at 2:00 PM. — Michael Hayward
I think if I ran over my boss in the parking lot, I'd stop. To make sure it wasn't a dog or
something, 'cause, hey... ya wouldn't want to run over a dog. — Richard Pitruzzello
You ever wake up and wonder what time it is... and then the boss tells you? I've grown to hate that! — Doug Rendall
I'd like to see a "Sex Depot" type superstore for sex-related products. Why? Because I think it would be very funny to look up and see a gigantic fiberglass sign the size of a car with "DILDOS" stenciled on it hanging from the ceiling. — Jim Rosenberg
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Redmond, WA (UPI) – Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - GOP warnings about the imminent threat to the country from President Clinton's continuation in office came true this week. Among the many disasters occurring right under our collective noses are:
* Mexico marched its troops into the American southwest, arguing that Mexico had not in fact "ceded" the land to the U.S. at the end of their war, as General Santa Ana understood that term. Apparently, Santa Ana was not paying attention when his attorney signed the treaty.
* American servicemen throughout the country began fellating each other, claiming that Army prohibitions on fraternization did not cover that particular behavior. Though the troops have been considerably happier since this phenomenon began, military preparedness has suffered, as marching has become near impossible with all their pants around their ankles.
* Washington's law firms have ground to a halt, with college seniors flooding them with phone calls seeking job assistance from Vernon Jordan or any lawyer who's represented Clinton. Unfortunately, that's every lawyer in Washington, and the local Bar has had to pull in reserves from Maryland to cover court dockets while a massive internship program was instituted.
* Cannibalism has broken out, after people started biting off the fingers everybody was waiving at everybody else, denying this or that. — Reported by Jonathan Colan
THE TOP 9 LEAST POPULAR VALENTINE'S CANDY HEART SAYINGS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: You know those little pastel candy hearts that taste like powder and have moronic sayings on them? Ever wonder about the sayings they decided NOT to use?
9. STD FREE
8. UR A WEASEL
7. BE OURS
6. TONGUE ME
5. BE MY INTERN
4. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
3. I STALK U
2. R THOSE REAL?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Popular Candy Heart Saying...
1. VIAGRA 100MG
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
IN HONOR OF PRESIDENT'S DAY
[Thanks to Peter — CAUS — Citizens Against UFO Secrecy ]
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM," says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..., Well..., Well..., I need a brain."
"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD THAT IS TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
ADVICE FOR THE PREGNANT COUPLE
[Thanks to Craig and Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
Note from The Goddess: A "Millennia Baby Boom" is expected as couples try to conceive babies (April 9 is projected to be the peak day for conception) that will be born on date of January 1, 2000 (which they erroneously believe is the start of the new millennium, which actually doesn't begin until January 1, 2001).
Advice for the new parents:
• What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
• What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? Have sex once a year.
• My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? Then the jig is up.
• My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? Your therapist.
• I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he finishes college.
• How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? If it's the flu, you'll get better.
• My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
• Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Yes, your bladder.
• Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? Depends on what you're doing with them.
• The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Cause you're fatter then they are.
• My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. So what's your question, dipshit?
• Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
• Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
• What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
• My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
• When is the best time to get an epidural? Right after you find out you're pregnant.
• Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
• I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
• Does labor cause hemorrhoids? Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
• Where is the best place to store breast milk? In your breasts.
• Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? Yes, baby lips.
• What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
• How does one sanitize nipples? Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
• What are the terrible twos? Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
• What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? When you see teeth marks.
• What is the grasp reflex? The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
• Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
• What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
• Do I have to have a baby shower? Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
• What causes baby blues? Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
• What is colic? A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
• What are night terrors? Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
• Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
[Thanks to Sam]
Sean had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him: "Sean. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Sean. You're a veterinarian."
MORE FROM "THE DAN QUAYLE SCHOOL OF PUBLIC SPEAKING"
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." —- Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." — Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER." — Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL." — Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS." — Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE." — Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET." — Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE." — Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK." — Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"IT'S LIKE DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN." — Yogi Berra
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE." — Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." — A congressional candidate in Texas
"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." — Richard M. Nixon
"THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS IS A GOOD PLANET." — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." — Senator Everett Dirksen
"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." — Samuel Goldwyn
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." — John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." — Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." — General William Westmoreland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." — Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." — Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
TOUGH NIGHT AT THE THEATER
[Thanks to Brad]
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."
THE TOP 12 ADDITIONAL FOREIGN TRANSLATIONS OF ENGLISH MOVIE TITLES
12. "The Waterboy" — "Water Torture, American Style"
11. "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" — "Fear Makes Young Women's Breasts Move Up and Down"
10. "Chasing Amy" — "Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Gets Girl, Girl Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back"
9. "Titanic" — "Ship Outta Luck"
8. "Scream" — "Stop Stabbing Me!"
"Scream 2" — "Stop Stabbing Me Again, Dammit!"
7. "Armageddon" — "Giant Testosterone Ball Crashes to Earth"
6. "Something About Mary" — "If She Likes the Hair Gel, Wait Till She Sees the Body Lotion!"
5. "Babe: Pig in the City" — "The Happy Dumpling To Be Who Made Complete Friggin' Idiots Out of The NY Times and ABC News"
4. "Mask of Zorro" — "My Long Hard Blade Can Help Many Women"
3. "You've Got Mail" — "I've Put You Out of Business, Now Sleep With Me, Woman!"
2. "Die Hard" — "Foolish American Overdoses on Viagra"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Foreign Translation of an English Movie Title...
1. "Patch Adams" — "Laugh At My Antics Before You Die, Sick Idiots!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
DOG BREEDS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
[Thanks to Craig]
• Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
• Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
• Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
• Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
• Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
• Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
• Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
• Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
STARBUCK'S SECRET RECIPE...
[Thanks to Sharon]
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
MORE NEW WORDS FOR THE MILLENNIUM...
[Thanks to John]
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
• Acme: a generic skin disease
• Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers
• Coiterie: a very, VERY close-knit group
• Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
• Glibido: all talk and no action
• Hipatitis: terminal coolness
• Hozone: an area where women of the night hang out
• Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription
• Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late
• Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
• Newtspaper: the Washington Times
• Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu
• Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head
• Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room
[Thanks to Brad]
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
can be rearranged with no letters left over, and using each letter only once, into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
THE TOP 11 JERRY HALL DIVORCE DEMANDS FOR MICK JAGGER
11. $90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the child's diction lessons.
10. Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.
9. Cash value from his Lloyd's of London Lip Insurance policy.
8. Custody of Bill Wyman's wife and the rest of the kids.
7. Satisfaction, Baby!
6. Has to admit publicly that Steven Tyler's lips are fatter than his.
5. Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate
Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos
4. Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.
3. Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.
2. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jerry Hall Divorce Demand for Mick Jagger...
1. Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
[Thanks to Brad]
• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Lord save me from your followers.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
• No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
[Thanks to Brad]
• "I Was Once a Millionaire, But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"
• "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts — Do You Want Fries With That?"
• "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
• (On a baby-size shirt) "Party — My Crib — Two A.M."
• "The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"
• "That Was Zen; This Is Tao"
• "I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
• "Taxation WITH Representation Isn't So Hot, Either"
• "Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican"
• "Democracy Is Mob Rule with Income Taxes"
• "I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get"
• "If I Could Remember Your Name, I'd Ask You Where I Left My Keys"
• "I'm Not Unemployed — I'm a Consultant"
• "All I Ask Is That You Treat Me No Differently Than You Would the Queen"
and The Goddess' favorite T-shirts (besides the ones I wrote — LOL)
• "Does anal retentive have a hyphen?"
• "All this and brains too..."
IF DEAR ABBY WERE A MAN...
[Thanks to Sam and Craig]
Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior — and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience a menage-a-trois with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing — your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at a flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love — we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should — he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present... and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
MORE BUMPER STICKERS
[Thanks to John]
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
• A woman's favorite position is CEO.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• And which dwarf are you?
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I flunked the test in testosterone.
• If I wanted it done wrong, I'd have done it myself!
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Hang up and drive.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• "I said no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
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