THE WEEKLY RIOT
SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION
February 14, 1999
"Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them... It matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of their very heart. We love them for a million reasons. No words would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt."
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Love at first sight:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Women's Quote of the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
"The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders." Linda Festa
Rule number one: The woman makes the rules
Rule number two: When in doubt about the rules, see rule number one. Unknown
"If you sell your soul for love, make sure you get a receipt." Unknown
"Then Q met Lorena after which he was known as O." Unknown
"In the race for love, I was scratched." Joan Davis
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." Matt Groening
"No man ever told a woman she talked too much while she was telling him how wonderful he is." Unknown
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers form not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love, or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Are you getting this down? Woody Allen
"Winston You Are Drunk" Lady Astor
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober." Winston Churchill
"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Lady Astor
"Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!" Winston Churchill
"Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love." Charlie Brown
"I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures." Unknown
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." Henry Kissinger
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
For those of you with a Valentine...
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
For those of you without...
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
Presumably, she will no longer be "Extra Virgin Olive Oyl."
Rod Stewart and wife/model Rachel Hunter are separated after eight years of marriage.
It's not clear who gets custody of the blow dryer.
Hillary Rodham Clinton's supporters are quietly circulating her name as a possible candidate to run for the Senate from New York.
President Clinton says he expects her to win the senate campaign, noting she has experience climaxing once every six years.
The Dutch parliament has voted to legalize brothels.
Super Bowl 34: Amsterdam.
The leader of New York's Democratic Party says there is a 50-50 chance Hillary Rodham Clinton will enter that state's Senate race next year.
Her campaign slogan: "It's the adultery, stupid."
Todd Looper of Arkansas will spend 60 days in jail for beheading his estranged wife's cat and using the skull as a paperweight to hold down a nasty note.
(My ex re-married, changed his name, and moved to Arkansas?????)
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Surface usually covered with painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without warning and for no known reason. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increased by saturation in alcohol. Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen. Prime specimen exhibit strong magnetic attraction which decays with age. Strong propensity for deflecting blame. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
Usage: Highly ornamental, especially in sports car. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
Caution: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one concurrently, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimen do not come in direct contact with each other: severe explosion risks!!!! May unexpectedly change state, esp. after application of gold ring.
Antidote: A mixture of sport and alcohol provide short term relief from symptoms but only permanent cure is Misogyny or Homosexuality. In case of severe contamination seek immediate attention from clergyman.
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as newer samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Will almost totally disappear when exposed to RY (Responsibility).
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Typical samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A FEW REASONS WHY GUYS LIKE GIRLS
They will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.
How cute they look when they sleep.
The ease in which they fit into our arms.
The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
How cute they are when they eat.
The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side.
The way they look good no matter what they wear.
The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this Earth.
How cute they are when they argue.
The way her hand always finds yours.
The way they smile.
The way you feel when you see their name on the call display after you just had a big fight.
The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
The way they kiss when you do something nice for them.
The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".
Actually... Just the way they kiss you...
The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
Then the way they apologize when it does hurt... (Even though we don't admit it!)
The way they say "I miss you".
The way you miss them.
The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...
THE WORLD'S PERFECT GIRL MUST...
(as viewed by a guy, obviously)
Laugh a lot
Read the newspaper
Care about something (preferably me)
Like the way I look in sweat pants
Sing along with the radio... LOUDLY
Know that I sing along with the radio ... LOUDLY
Know how to dance... at least a little bit.
Never forget that there's a "friend" in girlfriend
Know that "hearing" and "listening" are two different things.
Smile with her eyes
Wear a watch
Have soft hands
Think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Have an opinion
Own at least one classical CD
Have close friends
Know how many people are in congress
Eat ice cream cones
Give good back rubs...
... and love to get them (Ummm ^v^)
Love her mother
Think that Mickey Mouse is a pretty cool guy.
Love to hear me laugh
Give great hugs
Take the road less traveled
Be proud of my success...
... and know that I am proud of hers
Know at least one poem by heart
Know how to pitch a tent
Know how to pitch a baseball
Be able to sew on a button.
Like to buy flowers...
....and to get them
Put up with me
Believe in magic
Believe in love
Know how to make chocolate chip cookies
Think that love is *forever*
Read the editorial page
Know how to say "I'm Sorry"
Know that no girl could ever be all of these things, but be willing to give it a try
EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE'S DAY
10. The florist couldn't find your house, did you move?
9. I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
8. The Hallmark Store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.
7. I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!
6. I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you?
5. I didn't know you liked jewelry.
4. I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy Day.
3. Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre.
2. I thought we would do something different this year.
1. I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.
One EXTRA Excuse: You didn't remind me!
VALENTINE'S DAY SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT
From an Ann Landers column, 1990
(WARNING: Do not try this at home. Ok, maybe in the Batmobile.... LOL)
It seems a couple sitting on their back porch enjoying a lovely evening were startled by blood-curdling screams for help coming from their neighbors' home.
After dialing 911 and arming themselves with a baseball bat, the couple proceeded to their neighbors' house to assist in any way they could. As luck would have it, the front door was unlocked so they walked right in. They followed the frantic calls for help to an upstairs bedroom, where they found the neighbor lady stark naked and tied hand and foot to her bed. On the floor lay her husband, unconscious, wearing a Batman cape and mask.
It became apparent that the couple were into both bondage and fantasies. Mr. Batman had attempted to leap from the dresser onto the bed. In the process he bumped his head on the ceiling fan and went out like a light.
The couple untied Mrs. Batman, revived Mr. Batman and took him to the hospital, where he was treated for a superficial head injury and released.
OH, MASTER I'VE GOT MY CORSET ON, GO PUT ON YOUR SOCKS AND I'LL MEET YOU ON THE FRONT LAWN...
(Actual obscure sex laws still on the books in various states)
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job for men only called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown If they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or holding you in his arms.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
BEFORE AND AFTER YOU FALL IN LOVE
Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall in love:
Before You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before Twice a night
After Twice a month
Before She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
Before Saturday Night Fever
After Monday Night Football
Before Don't stop
After Don't start
Before Is that all you're having?
After Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before It's like I'm living in a dream
After It's like he lives in a dorm
Before We agree on everything
After Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before Victoria's Secret
Before Charming and Noble
Before Feathers and handcuffs
After Ball and chain
Before I love a woman with curves
After I never said you were fat
Before He's completely lost without me
After Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before Time stood still
After This relationship is going nowhere
Before Croissant and cappuccino
After Bagel and instant
Before You look so seductive in black
After Your clothes are so depressing
Before I can hardly believe we found each other
After I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before Once upon a time
After The end
THE NINE TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS
by Matt Groening
1. MS. NICE GUY "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have."
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2. OLD YELLER "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3. SICKLY "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
4. THE BOSSER "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. MS. VAGUELY DISSATISFIED "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home or hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love 'onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. HUFFY "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8. WOMAN FROM MARS "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9. MS. DREAMGIRL "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
THE NINE TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
by Matt Groening
1. JOE SENSITIVE "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. OLD MAN GRUMPUS "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. FLINCHY "I I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. BIGFOOT "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. LAZYBONES "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
6. THE SNEAK "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7.ACE OF HEARTS "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. THE DREAMER "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9. MR. RIGHT "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
SEMINARS FOR MEN
You, too, can do housework.
PMS Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
How to fill an ice tray.
We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas Give us money.
Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00 am.
Basic laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
Parenting No, it doesn't end with conception.
Get a life learn to cook.
How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong.
Spelling Even you can get it right.
Understanding your financial incompetence.
You The Weaker Sex.
Reasons to give flowers.
How to stay awake after sex.
Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom.
Garbage Getting it to the curb.
You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try.
The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. (formerly "Take a shower")
I'll wear it if I damn well please.
How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet").
"The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms.
Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit.
How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost.
The remote control Overcoming your dependency.
Romanticism Ideas other than sex.
Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes.
Mothers-in-law They are people, too.
Male bonding Leaving your friends at home.
You too can be a designated driver.
Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")
Changing your underwear It really works
The Attainable Goal Omitting "tits" from your vocabulary.
Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary.
Techniques for calling home.
Asking for directions not a leading cause of death.
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
"Are you ready to leave?" Definition of the word "yes".
Appropriate rhetorical questions (formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
Elementary Map Reading.
Crying and law enforcement.
Advanced Math Seminar Program your VCR.
You can go shopping in less than 4 hours.
Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast.
The Seven-Outfit week.
PMS It's YOUR problem, not mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty Deal with It.)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission.
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights.
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed.
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving It's as Simple as Oil and Water.
The Super Bowl: Not a Game A Sacrament.
Telephone Translations (was: "Me, too" equals "I Love You")
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down by Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side.
Know when to say when: The limits of makeup.
Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry.
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP.
MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments.
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment).
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels.
What Goes Around Comes Around Why his Credit Card is not a toy.
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours.
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out.
Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock).
"To Honor and Obey": Remembering the small print above "I Do".
Why Your Mother is Unwelcome in the House.
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child.
Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
Speaking Your Mind: Exploding the Myth of the Psychic Male
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Happy Valentine's Day!
(exotic, erotic, and a wee bit psychotic...)
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