THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 12, 1999
More romantic quotes (if you're a woman),
aka mushy stuff (if you're a man)
in honor of Valentine's Day....
"Be a god and hold me
With a charm!
Be a man and fold me
With thine arm!"
— Robert Browning, from "A Woman's Last Word"
"The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze."
— Gustavo Adolfo Becquer
"All thoughts, all passions, all delights
Whatever stirs this mortal frame
All are but ministers of Love
And feed his sacred flame."
— Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Anyone can look at others eyes, but Lovers can see into each
others' souls through the eyes."
— Larry Latta
"Doubt that the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."
— William Shakespeare, from "Hamlet"
"Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;
Then to that twenty, add a hundred more:
A thousand to that hundred: so kiss on,
To make that thousand up a million.
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kiss afresh, as when we first begun."
I want to hold you in my arms, gently
Beyond sex and security, prestige and triumph,
to say once and for all, "I love you",
and mean it from the top of my head to-the-depths of my soul
This is the love that casts out fear that makes life worth living
That takes a man and woman on the earth and lifts them finally
above every power or pain that could wound them
I have seen so many sights, heard so many words but none as beautiful
As the sight and sound of a man and woman
Who say with their every act
Their eyes and all their being
"I LOVE YOU!"
"Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves."
— Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person
is essential to your own."
— Robert Heinlein
"Love is the language our hearts use to speak to one another.
For you, my dear, my heart sings."
— Amanda R. Byrd
"The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss"
"When you kiss me, without uttering a single word, you speak to my soul."
"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." — Robert Browning
"But if in your fear
you would seek
only love's peace
and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you
that you cover your nakedness
and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world
where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter,
but not all of your tears."
— Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. — Sean Connery
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. — Judith Viorst
It's not the men in my life that count — it's the life in my men. — Mae West
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. — Jerome K. Jerome
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. — Jules Renard
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde
It is never too late to fall in love. — Sandy Wilson
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--New Jersey Gov. Christie Whitman began physical therapy Monday, a day after she broke her right leg in a skiing accident.
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
This continues an alarming trend of injuries to Republican leaders, hundreds of whom have mysteriously _cut off their noses to spite their face_.
G.I. Joe turns 35 today.
If you give your aging G.I. Joe Propecia, be careful: do not let Barbie touch it or she will disintegrate immediately.
The Euro opened with a strong and stable performance last week in the currency markets.
Bill Gates proclaimed it "softer to wipe your ass with than the dollar".
According to a new survey by the Condomania chain of stores, 36 percent of Americans think Nike should get into the condom business.
I don't know about that. I don't like the idea of a 12 year old making my condom.
The Chief Justice of the Wisconsin Supreme court has come under fire for using the courtroom as an aerobics gymnasium after hours.
"You are hereby sentenced to 10 years in prison. Now 4 more, now 3 more, now 2 more, can you feel it?"
A federal judge in Dallas says he plans to ban the sale of self-help legal software, claiming it amounts to the unauthorized practice of law.
Also banned: "L'il G-Man Home DNA Laboratory."
The NASA budget for 2000 contains $50 million to begin development of a Mars airplane.
"During takeoff, the Captain has prohibited the use of all personal electronic devices, and you there in seat 15D — please lower your antennae."
South Korean automaker Daewoo soon will be the first car company to sell its automobiles over the Internet.
You'll need at least a 28.8k modem to download a sedan; 56k for a truck or SUV.
A top official in the Russian government says his country needs $3 billion from the United States and NATO to help pay for fixing the Y2K bug in the computers that control all of Russia's nuclear weapons.
U.S. officials are skeptical about the request for "1 trillion gallons of premium Vodka for use as a hard drive cleaning solvent."
Researchers said Friday that a drug derived from the saliva of leeches could be a lifesaver for heart attack patients.
Until the drug is tested and approved by the FDA, researchers recommended the only short term solution may be "an intimate relationship with an attorney."
The world's first international cockfighting championship got under way in Thailand Sunday.
Honorary Chairman George Michael was on hand to unveil the first cock.
Home Shopping Network is merging with Lycos Inc.
Company officials claim it will bring to web surfers "instantaneous, searchable, low-cost access to the world's largest collection of worthless crap."
Lenin's Tomb will be closed until April so embalmers can do scheduled maintenance on the body.
... just as soon as they finish up work on Strom Thurmond during the impeachment trial.
———————————————————————————————————————LONDON, UK (DPI) - Responding to accusations by religious right cartoon character Jerry Falwell that he is gay, children's cartoon character Tinky-Winky of the Teletubbies held a press conference on Thursday to denounce the homophobic Reverend. Greeted warmly by a throng of Fleet Street reporters, he read from the following prepared text: "EH - OHHH! B - I - I - G H - U - G ! UH-OH, Jerry! Jerry lonely? Spend too much time playing with 'Invisible Friend' in sky? Come over! Tinky-Winky invite! Play our guitar! Wear our skirt! We teach Jerry HULA! HULA DANCE! Afterward, Jerry maybe kiss Teletubbies' BUMS! B - I - I - G H - U - G ! K - I - S - S B - U - M - S! BYE-BYE!"
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
Attempts to reach Reverend Falwell at his Righteous-Furor Bunker in rural North Carolina were unsuccessful, but it is known that he and several aides are poring over old Warner Brothers cartoons and have already found over 60 instances in which Bugs Bunny dresses up as a woman and hits Elmer Fudd, whom they believe represents Fundamentalist Christians, with a big purse. — Reported by Alphonse Ludwig Soprano IV
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Frustrated by consistent polls showing that two-thirds of the public do not believe they have proven removable offenses by the President, Henry Hyde praised his "band of brothers," quoting Henry V's Crispen's Day speech, foretelling that "men abed in England tonight will think themselves accursed and hold their manhoods cheap while any rises to speak who fought with us on Crispen's Day". A BBC poll, however, showed that men abed in England during the trial were dreaming of Elizabeth Hurley holding their manhoods, and most thought it wouldn't come cheap. Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham (Barney Fife - SC) called for the Senate to issue subpoenas to all citizens, so that they could implicate President Clinton in a conspiracy with 66% of Americans to obstruct the GOP prosecution. President Clinton wasn't worried, and issued a statement promising "not to bang the bongos when I'm acquitted." White House Spokesman, Joe Youknowthenewguy, issued a partial correction, emphasizing that the President's statement applied to "bongos" not "bimbos." — Reported by Jonathan Colan
——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-
NEWS OF THE FUTURE
JEBEDIAH BUSH IV ACCEPTS 2044 GOP NOMINATION
BRANSON, MO (DPI) - Seeking to maintain the Bush Dynasty, God's Own Party nominated Jebediah Bush IV to run for Minister-in-Chief in the Fall congregation. During Bush's acceptance sermon, he recognized Party Brethren, Lindsey Graham and Asa Hutchison, who had led the failed impeachment drive against the then old-style "President" whose name we of course cannot mention, in accordance with the Excommunication Act of 2012. Brothers Graham and Hutchison rose to be toasted with the sacramental Blood of Reagan by the delegates. Meanwhile, held in the stocks, Sinner Peter King, one of the GOP members who had voted against the Evil One's impeachment, was commanded to hold his manhood cheap whilst Graham and Hutchison were toasted. Minister Bauer pronounced that the national ban on holding one's manhood did not apply to this occasion. — Reported by Jonathan Colan III
——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-
The following is a complete transcript of President Clinton's speech from the White House Rose Garden after his acquittal:
"I'm going to Disneyland!!!"
— Speech Transcribed by Mark Schmidt
SHE IS YOU
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's MASTERY DOMAIN ]
Let me tell you of the girl that I dream.
Let me tell you for what heart I scheme.
She is a woman and she is a girl.
For I am young and I am old.
When I am a man, she is a girl.
When I am a boy, my woman scolds.
She is mature... yet a child
For she is in need... yet fancy free.
And as a child loves laughter, so she loves me.
Her hands are warm and easy to hold.
They tremble slightly
If I should dare to be cold.
Her feet? Small
Forever walking to me... Not standing so tall.
Her eyes? Yes... they sparkle
Every second that I am near.
And when I'm not? Shed a tear.
Her lips? Innocently calling me,
Always warm, always moist, always mine...
Pure, promiscuous, sublime.
Her heart sounds the message
Beating slowly, sad until I'm there,
Then pounding I Love You, I Love You...
Losing its rhythm and without a care.
Her breath is sometimes warm
Yet again... sometimes not.
For sometimes her love is a storm
Yet again... sometimes not.
Her Voice? Gentle
Silently saying a single name,
Whispering, "Love Me" again and again.
She is everything
Or I am nothing
She loves me. (Let it be true)
Now she should know...
SHE IS YOU, YES... SHE IS YOU!
— Modified by Ilmar Saar 1976, original author unknown
THE TOP 14 MAFIA VALENTINE'S DAY GREETINGS
14. My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
13. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
12. Lie down with me — it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
11. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won't be a self-made man.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...
1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that's amore!
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE WEREN'T AT THE REAL SENATE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS *
13. Videotaped "deposition" consisted solely of Sharon Stone crossing and uncrossing her legs.
12. Judge Judy unleashed a stern tongue-lashing, telling everyone to "just grow up."
11. Senator Moe's frequent outbursts of "Why, I oughtta..."
10. Presiding Judge wore four gold stripes. And nothing BUT stripes.
9. Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8. Ten minutes into Hamburgler's testimony, you realized "Mayor McCheese" *isn't* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7. 15 minute recess involved a slide and monkey bars.
6. Strom Thurmond actually moved.
5. George Will presided over the hearings and the "Rip Clinton a New Rectum" motion was passed.
4. No "Eau de Kennedy".
3. All testimony was submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2. For $20, "Monica" allowed anyone to play the part of "Bill" during the reenactment.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not at the Real Senate Impeachment Hearings...
1. Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
[Thanks to Sam and Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land, and with this in mind, I am pleased to inform you of your signed Presidential Pardon, effective immediately.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
TOP 10 SIGNS BILL CLINTON IS YOUR DAD
10. Every time you are about to be punished, you start a war with another school.
9. You don't count an oral report as a report.
8. When you get caught without your homework, you blame it on a "vast, 4th grade conspiracy".
7. When your Mom asks if you've done your chores, you respond "that depends on what the meaning of the word done is".
6. You get expelled, and your popularity rating goes up 10%.
5. The day after Christmas, you are on the phone having Bettie Curry get back your Christmas gifts.
4. DNA on Ashley Assenmacher's dress conclusively proves you gave her cooties.
3. You are the only kid in town who got his "Buy 300 happy meals, get one free" card stamped.
2. Little Kenny Starr's "What I Did This Summer" was a 250 page "referral" about what you did this summer.
1. Your mother is a woman with a pulse who lived in Arkansas in the 70's or 80's.
T H E T O P F I V E L I S TNOTE FROM CHRIS: The Top5 contributors and I had a Valentine's Day topic all ready to go, and then what happens? Jerry Falwell goes and puts his foot in his homophobic mouth again. The target this time? None other than Tinky Winky, one of the Teletubbies, whose purple suit and triangular antenna set off the good Reverend's gaydar. Is nothing sacred???
Now available in Fetish, Perversion or Slightly Warped
Upon further investigation, Top5 learned that Reverend Falwell has problems with a few other TV characters...
THE TOP 13 REASONS JERRY FALWELL THINKS YOUR FAVORITE TV CHARACTER IS GAY
13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt".
2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and Top5's Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
DR. KNOWING'S UNIVERSE
Richard Wright writes:
If the Russians succeed in installing a giant mirror in space, won't that just fry a big hole through the earth — like a magnifying glass on an anthill?"
You might have uncovered a military application of this so-called science experiment. Last week (for those of you unaware... well... why delineate? For all of you), Russian astronauts aboard the space station Mir attempted to unfold a giant reflective surface and aim it at several cities from Northern Europe to Canada. Of course they failed, and left behind what can only be described as a giant Totes umbrella floating in space. What practical nature such a device may serve is completely beyond me, but allow me to postulate:
* Shadow removal for Barbara Walters photo and broadcast shoots (better accomplished by my ceramic orbital electromagnet ring, put forth here earlier, but hey, who's keeping track?)
* Convenient giant image in the sky for women putting on makeup while driving.
* Convenient giant rear-view mirror for men masturbating while driving.
* Global warming just doesn't melt polar ice caps fast enough, (insert obligatory "dammit!" here).
* Bring the old-time, down-home warmth of sweeping Gestapo lights to whole world.
* Typical Russian manufacturing solution: just pop the whole cornfield.
Oh, you silly Ruskies... let's get back to building that international space station, shall we? It seems both your science and economy could use some American know-how. Here's a hint: roll of duct tape & skip over the industrial revolution. And start marketing that incredible Mafia you guys have... it's highly undervalued.
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
• 12% on Monday
• 23% on Tuesday
• 40% on Wednesday
• 20% on Thursday
• 5% on Fridays
And remember: When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.
FROM THE FEMALE BONDING RITUALS HANDBOOK —
WOMEN'S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY
[Thanks to Craig]
• Do not say what you mean. Ever.
• Be ambiguous. Always.
• Cry. Cry often.
• Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago... or with other boyfriends.
• Make them apologize for everything.
• Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
• Look them in the eye and start laughing.
• Get mad at them for everything.
• Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
• Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
• When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
• Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
• Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
• Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Compare and contrast.
• Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
• Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e., the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library... for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
• Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
• Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
• Leave out the good parts in stories.
• Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
• Criticize the way they dress.
• Criticize the music they listen to.
• Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
• Try to change them.
• Try to mold them.
• Try to get them to dance.
• When they screw up, never let them forget it.
• Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting... just because.
• Blame everything on PMS.
• Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
• Read into everything.
• Over-analyze everything.
THE TOP 13 SURPRISE OSCAR NOMINATIONS
13. Best Supporting Performance — (TIE) Catherine Zeta Jones's bra in "The Mask of Zorro" and Salma Hayek's bra in "54"
12. Dan Quayle Continuing-Butt-Of-The-Joke Award — Pauly Shore
11. Best Use of a "Beard" — Tom Cruise
10. Best Endorsement of Button-Fly Jeans — Ben Stiller, "There's Something About Mary"
9. Best Attempt to Convince the Public That *Anyone* Actually Watches MSNBC — "Deep Impact"
8. Excessive Perkiness Most Likely to Cause Diabetes — Meg Ryan
7. Best Exaggerated Use of Abundant Cleavage — Jennifer Love Hewitt
6. Special Texas Chainsaw Massacre Memorial Award for Special Effects — "Saving Private Ryan"
5. Best Ongoing Celebrity Scam — The accountants from Price-Waterhouse are sad to report that they cannot reveal the winner in this category due to an injunction from the Church of Scientology.
4. Most Improved Appearance When Depicted as a Cartoon Insect — Woody Allen
3. Best Performance by a Sharpei — Walter Matthau
2. Most Successful Combination of Male Nightmares in a Movie Title — "Shakespeare in Love"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise Oscar Nomination...
1. Best Product Placement — America Online in "You've Got Mail" Best Product, um, Placement — Ben Stiller's goo in "There's Something About Mary"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WALKING THE DOG...
[Thanks to Craig]
The little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom said, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now — but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
MORE FRACTURED FAIRY TALES...
[Thanks to Craig]
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too "well-endowed", shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. He can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.
Hey, this is great, he thinks-let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch — the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
[Thanks to Craig]
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
I'D LOVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU, BUT...
[Thanks to Craig]
• I have to floss my cat.
• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
• I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
• It's my parakeet's bowling night.
• It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
• There's a disturbance in the Force.
• I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
• My crayons all melted together.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• I'm in training to be a household pest.
• My patent is pending.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm sandblasting my oven.
• I'm worried about my vertical hold.
• I'm being deported.
• The grunion are running... I'll be looking for a parking space.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
• It's too close to the turn of the century.
• My subconscious says no.
• I left my body in my other clothes.
• The last time I went, I never came back.
• I'm having all my plants neutered.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
• I never go out on days that end in "Y."
• I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
• I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
• I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
• I have too much guilt.
• There are important world issues that need worrying about.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I'm trying to be less popular.
• I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
• I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
• You know how we psychos are.
• My favorite commercial is on TV.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I'm going to be old someday.
• I've been traded to Cincinnati.
• I'm observing National Apathy Week.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• My uncle escaped again.
• I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
• I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
• My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I think you want the OTHER [your name].
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