February 5, 1999

"Life is too short to play games,
enjoy your life to it's fullest,
but always be honest with yourself about your motives."

— Unknown author

THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."


"Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah." — Allison Raul

"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them." — Shawn Alexander

"Sometimes I get really depressed and I think life isn't worth living. Then I look around and see all the wonder and miracles around me and I realize life is worth living... just not *my* life." — Lili Von Schtupp

"When you *do* give a rat's ass, nobody really appreciates that either." — Elliott Downing

"Maybe when Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky", he was really telling Monica that he hadn't slept with his wife." — Meghan Skinner

"My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up, but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet." — Tom Sims

"Your work is only as good as your concentra—
Hey look! A cloud shaped like Snoopy!" — Martell Stroup

"I wish I really could LMAO, because I'm really getting sick of this diet and exercise crap." — Karen Jones

"I'm glad I didn't go to Gladiator School, because half of all graduates get killed on their very first job." — Matt Carson

"After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself, 'Maybe I'm not meant to be an I.Q.' " — Anna Chin-Williams

"I think future historians will date the fall of western civilization from the decision to put artificial nipples on the mannequins at J.C. Penney." — Bob Van Voris

"You always hear about people "going ballistic". Wouldn't it be a much nicer world if they went orgasmic instead?" — Dave Henry

Copyright © 1999, Chris White


I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.


Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg

Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open and half of their brain awake.
(The only other living thing known to do this is the Government Employee in its natural daytime habitat.)

IBM Wednesday unveiled a talking web browser, opening the windows of the World Wide Web for blind and visually impaired computer users.
("Okay, now Pam is unzipping Tommy's pants... holy smokes!")

On this day in 1789, electors unanimously chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
(Responding to questions about his actions in the swirling "Treegate" scandal, Washington would only say "it all depends on what the meaning of the word 'chop' is.")

Alice Starr, wife of the Independent Prosecutor, says in an interview in the March issue of the Ladies' Home Journal that she could not imagine herself in Hillary Rodham Clinton's position.
("Ken is only interested in missionary, and maybe once every third month of that," said a frustrated Starr.)

In Springfield Massachusetts, a man charged with vehicular homicide married the only witness against him just before his trial, causing the case to be dismissed.
(In legal terms, this is known as "Jury Nailification".)

World famous circus trainer Mary Chipperfield was convicted on 12 counts of cruelty to animals after she kicked and beat a chimpanzee with a riding crop.
(It was the worst monkey-spanking incident since George Michael's.)

A Maryland prosecutor recommended Friday that former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson serve jail time on charges of second-degree assault in connection with an August traffic accident.
(For his own protection, he is being fitted with one of those paper head cones until the whole thing is settled.)

In Crown Point, Indiana, a man was charged Thursday with stealing 3,500 tablets of the impotence drug Viagra from the self-storage facility where he worked.
(Police believe he had already taken much of the supply, as he had to be pried from his car with the Jaws of Life.)

The state of Wisconsin has sued Publishers Clearing House, accusing it of using deceptive advertising.
(In order to avoid jail, the defendants must find the special gold foil sticker in the subpoena and affix it to the corresponding spot and return by February 26.)

Two groups within the International Astronomical Union are thinking about demoting Pluto from planet status.
(Other scientists, however, strongly disagree saying it is typical of these scientists to "play the diameter card".)

The Mormon church says missionaries may not use e-mail and faxes to communicate with their families and friends back home.
Subject: Miss You All!)

In Dayton Ohio, a former mail carrier is accused of failing to deliver about 30,000 letters, packages and other pieces of mail.
("When you absolutely, positively couldn't give a crap whether it gets there or not.")

Former Vice President Dan Quayle Wednesday formed a committee to explore his bid for the Republican presidential nomination Wednesday, predicting he will be elected.
(He said his first priority will be restoring the power and authority of NATOE.)


Copyright © 1999, Chris White

BOSTON, MA (DPI) - Bowing to FCC standards requiring a certain amount of educational programming, CNN announced today the premiere of a new Sunday morning show. "The Senatubbies" follows the antics of one hundred endearingly dimwitted creatures as they try to get along despite fundamental differences of opinion, led by the 'Tubbie named Lotty. According to the press release, in the first episode Senatubbie Henry-Penry claims the sky is falling because of the actions of King Willi. The Senatubbies babble incoherently at one another until Willi invokes the "I'm rubber, you're glue" defense. — Reported by Kevin Wickart

[Thanks to Craig]

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locked the keys in her car.

Q: How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook?
A: When she serves the Pop Tart in one piece.

Q: How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
A: No spelling errors on her tattoos.


The Top 15 New Slogans for the Democratic Party

15. Okay, he's a hound — But he's OUR hound!
14. Vote for Our Guy or These Dole Viagra Pictures Hit the Internet
13. If the Dome is A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'!
12. When the Going Gets Tough, We Bomb Iraq.
11. So Spank Us!
10. It's Not Our Fault All the Good Ones Get Shot
9. Our Pants May Fall, But Your 401(K) Value Won't!
8. Felonies Dismissed While You Wait
7. Slide your fine ass over here and give us a vote, Darlin'!!
6. Mmmmmmm... Peachy!
5. Oh, So You Wanna Play Rough, Huh?
4. C'mon — We Didn't Know He Was *THAT* Horny!
3. We've Got Cigarfignugen!
2. Impeach THIS!!!

     and's Number 1 New Slogan for the Democratic Party...

1. Laid in America


The Top 15 New Slogans for the Republican Party

15. Putting the HIP back in Hypocrisy
14. Adultery with Dignity
13. $40 million is peanuts compared to what *they* want to give poor folks!
12. Moraler Then Thou!
11. Let's Get Ready To Stumblllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!
10. Please, don't squeeze the Chairman
9. 3% More Ethical Than the Other Guys
8. We Love to Pry, and it Shows
7. 1000 Points of Spite
6. LALALALA! We're Not Listening!!!!
5. Your choice, America: Vote Republican or roast in hell.
4. The New GOP — Now with Black folks!
3. Upholding Principle and Truth Since 1998
2. With our finger on the pulse of the American peop... Strom? Strom?!

     and's Number 1 New Slogan for the Republican Party...

1. Impeachment: Because the Secret Service Won't Let Us Get Close Enough To Lynch

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table, and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is still complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"


13. New "Victor's Secret" line
12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.
11. Company's efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.
10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the "Rodman Collection" and get a free tattoo!
9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.
8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.
7. Every wear you look — corduroy!
6. The "Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria's Secret Catalogue?" junior bra and panty set.
5. New "Wedge-o-matic" discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.
4. Damn near everything in the new "Monica" line is Scotch-Guarded.
3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.
2. New Teletubbies bras — because it's never to early to screw up a young girl's self image.

     and's Number 1 Surprise in Victoria's Secret's New Spring Line...

1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Sharon]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "Damn. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on. I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE PENIS. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page

True cemetery humor...

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniel's grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 — Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

[Thanks to Craig]

• Cover charge: $15.00
• Round of drinks: $23.00
• Table dance: $30.00
• Another round of drinks: $23.00
• Couch dance and tips: $50.00
• A round of shots: $34.00
• Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
• Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: Priceless

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

[Thanks to Sharon]

He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass...
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine...
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes...
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.

[Thanks to Sharon]

• miaow — Feed me.
• meeow — Pet me.
• mrooww — I love you.
• miioo-oo-oo — I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
• mrow — I feel like making noise.
• rrrow-mawww — Please, the time has come to tidy the cat box.
• rrrow-miawww — I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
• miaowmiaow — Play with me.
• miaowmioaw — Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
• mioawmioaw — Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
• raowwwww — I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
• mrowwwww — I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
• roww-maww-roww — I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
• mmeww — I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
• gakk-ak-ak — My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
• mow — Snuggling is a good idea.
• moww — Shedding is pretty good, too.
• mowww! — I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
• miaow! miaow! — I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
• mraakk! — Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
• ssssroww! — I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
• mmmmmmm — If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.


13. Its clever name? "Whatevercare"
12. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
11. Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. "Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.
8. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
7. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
6. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
5. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
4. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."
3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
2. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

     and's Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Brad]

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM.... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there!


We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:

• 660: Approximate number of the Beast
• DCLXVI: Roman numeral of the Beast
• 666.0000: Number of the High Precision Beast
• 0.666: Number of the Millibeast
• / 666: Beast Common Denominator
• 666 ^ (-1): Imaginary number of the Beast
• 1010011010: Binary of the Beast
• 6, uh... what was that number again?: Number of the Blonde Beast
• 1-666: Area code of the Beast
• 00666: Zip code of the Beast
• 1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
• $665.95: Retail price of the Beast
• $699.25: Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
• $769.95: Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
• $656.66: Walmart price of the Beast
• $646.66: Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
• Phillips 666: Gasoline of the Beast
• Route 666: Way of the Beast
• 666 F: Oven temperature for roast Beast
• 666k: Retirement plan of the Beast
• 666 mg: Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
• 6.66 %: 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
• Lotus 6-6-6: Spreadsheet of the Beast
• Word 6.66: Word Processor of the Beast
• i66686: CPU of the Beast
• 666i-: BMW of the Beast
• DSM-666 (revised): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
• 668: Next-door neighbor of the Beast

RISQUE Q's & A's
[Thanks to Brad]

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... and the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. Hear about the bargain-hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A. Everytime he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Q. What is Rodeo Sex?
A. Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too." You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

[Thanks to Sharon]

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

[Thanks to John]

A good perspective on red-tape.... A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be ccorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the Columbus expedition. Now the Pope, as I am sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?

They got it.

[Thanks to Craig]

So... the other day, my sisters and I went to this "Ladies Night Club". One of my sisters wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my sister Karen licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another sister Emma pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend Virginia pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute... and then the banking in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

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