THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 29, 1999
"Once in awhile,
right in the middle of an ordinary life,
love gives us a fairy tale."
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITIONS
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaws which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list..." — Unknown
"Does this condom make me look fat?" — Anonymous
"I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay." — Barbara Rush
"I was thinking about this whole impeachment thing, and if oral sex equals impeachment, then I wouldn't mind being impeached, like, 4 or 5 times a day. In fact, I wouldn't mind being impeached while I'm writing this." — Curt Harris
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again." — Larry Baum
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--A new study shows that retail workers are much more likely to be killed violently on the job than other workers.
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
(However, they are much less likely to help you find and pay for your stuff.)
Russian Prime Minister Yevgeny Primakov signed a decree Friday to keep the Mir space station in orbit for three more years.
(Both the Mir and Prime Minister Yeltsin are badly malfunctioning and run on a diet of pure alcohol fuel.)
The government says it will install a color radar system at all twenty air traffic control centers around the country by the middle of next year.
(This should be a drastic improvement over the current "Super Mario Flyers" system.)
NASA's newest and most powerful X-ray telescope has been grounded because of bad circuit boards.
(It has also been subpoenaed by Ken Starr with instructions to "point this thing towards the White House.")
Former teen pop singer Deborah "Debbie" Gibson is considering appearing naked from the waist up for Playboy.
(Of course, she is already completely naked from the shoulders up.)
["I did not have sexual relations with that Supermodel."]
Cindy Crawford is pregnant.
A Chicago aquarium has loaned a whale to a New York aquarium so he can mate with three female whales.
("So, do you make it to the Midwest much? No, well — I'm very famous there babe. Absolutely huge.")
Two scientists at Yale and Princeton will share the 1999 Wolf Prize for mathematics.
(Meanwhile, the Republican House managers received a special demerit for not being able to count to 67.)
The U.S. capital has a new advertising slogan: "Washington, DC — The American Experience".
(Finishing a close second was: "Washington, DC — LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!")
Barbie is 40 this year and the Mattel Toy Company plans a series of celebrations.
(Ken, meanwhile, got a red Miata and left with his Kelly Girl Temp Worker Barbie.)
A judge is expected to decide next week whether a federal law designed to keep online pornography away from children violates free speech.
(If this goes to the Supreme Court, Justice Thomas will recuse himself.)
Matthew David Scott is the second person in the world (and the first in America) to ever receive a hand transplant.
(George Michael proclaimed it "a major advance in the field of sexual organ transplants".)
The Washington Post unveiled color on its front page in today's editions.
(On the picture of Strom Thurmond and Al Gore, however, it was indistinguishable from the black and white version.)
David Morrison of NASA's Ames Research Center said Monday that sometime in the next century humans may colonize the moon or Mars and researchers are looking for the plants and animals that those settlers from Earth will take with them.
(If we really want to colonize quickly, how about just sending Madonna and the New York Knicks.)
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Sharon]
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet — Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But," she says," I am rechecking my answers."
THE PERFECT MATE
[Thanks to Sharon]
(This link only works on AOL, so for my Internet friends:
scroll to the very bottom of this page and see what the message is...)
ARE YOU TIRED OF JERKS/BIMBOS?
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CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON HOW TO
MEET THE "PERFECT DATE/MATE!" ON AOL! :):)
THE PERFECT MATE
[Thanks to Craig]
• Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
• Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts the better.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot...
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
• Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• He is so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
• Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead...
THE TODDLER DIET
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.
REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!
THE BRONZE RAT
[Thanks to Craig]
A tourist wanders into a back-alley shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-size bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," the tourist replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall in step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you have come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Republican."
THE TOP 14 SUPER POWERS MOST COVETED BY DOGS
14. Invisibath — The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water
13. ViseHump — The leg hump grip of steel
12. AquaField — Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating in driveway
11. Skeetvision — The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky
10. SuperBladder, loaded with Toxi-Urine — One lift of the leg and this town is mine!
8. AnalTelepathy/ButtSniffery — Two powers which when combined allow one to smell another dog's butt without actually having to get up and move around
7. John-O-Matic — Turns any toilet bowl into a punch bowl by sheer force of will
6. ChuckSpeed — Ability to catch that friggin' Wagon Train
5. AntiPsych-Out — Immunity to all that "fake throw" nonsense
4. VacuCalm — Utter self control whenever the vacuum cleaner is turned on
3. GucciTract — An invincible digestive system that sustains itself entirely on designer shoes
2. King Fido's Touch — Everything you touch turns into crap
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Super Power Most Coveted by Dogs...
1. DoberMorph — Ability to change into a Doberman anytime someone rolls up a newspaper
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to Craig]
IDIOTS IN THE WORKPLACE: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS: A neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: A neighbor's daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce". He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT: Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NEW CRIMINAL DARWIN AWARDS
[Thanks to Sharon]
• A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
• Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
• Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
• Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
• Colorado Springs: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he said he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
• Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
[Thanks to Craig]
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TESTPsychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:
[Thanks to Craig and Sharon]
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
ANSWERS — YOUR PERSONALITY:1. The whole thing all at once.
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help — immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a primadonna. There's just no pleasing you.
EVENING CLASSES: SPRING, 1999
There are some evening classes opening up that you would NOT want to miss. Don't forgo this fantastic opportunity! Further your education! Enroll NOW!
1100 Creative Suffering
1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102 Guilt Without Sex
1103 The Primal Shrug
1104 Ego Gratification Through Violence
1105 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
1106 Whine Your Way to Alienation
1107 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
1108 Catholic Women's Guide to Orgasm
BUSINESS & CAREER
0001 I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002 Money Can Make You Rich
0003 Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0004 How to Profit from Your Own Body
0005 The Under-Achievers Guide to a Very Small Business
0006 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0007 Looter's Guide to European Cities
0008 How to Land a Job in Algeria
0009 1,001 Methods of Blackmail
401 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402 Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
404 Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
405 Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
HEALTH & FITNESS
1201 The Joys of Hypochondria
1202 High Fiber Sex
1203 Suicide & Your Health
1204 Understanding Nudity
1205 Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1206 Optional Body Functions
1207 Elective Surgery in the Home
1208 Over 26 — How to Tell an Orgasm from a Heart Attack
1011 Self Actualization Through Macrame
1012 How to Draw Genitalia
1013 Weaving With Body Hair
1014 Gifts for the Senile
1015 Bonsai Your Pet
1016 Rearranging Your Hate
1017 Masochism for the Over 40's
1018 Post-Coital Rug Making
6660 Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
6661 Moony Burial Rites
6662 Just Say Noah
6663 Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
6664 Advanced Hell-fire Fighting
6665 Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
6667 Condensed Bible Study
6668 Satan and Satin
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
- 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
- 2 American men and 1 American woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
AOL Message: Error 1391 — Sucks, huh?