January 22, 1999

"Our destiny sometimes is not found in faraway places or in grand adventures but merely a place within the depths of our soul."


(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

Eye contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.


"If people who do not understand each other at least understand that they do not understand each other, then they understand each other better than when, not understanding each other, they do not understand that they do not understand each other." Gustav Ischheiser

"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people." Ed Roland

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started." Unknown


Copyright 1999, Jim Rosenberg

The plutonium-powered Cassini spacecraft has detected a possible error in its orientation on the way to Saturn, NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory said Wednesday.
The Spacecraft, programmed by male NASA engineers, refuses to signal back for instructions.

Pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer Inc. says it has filed for a patent on a nasal-spray version of its anti-impotence drug Viagra.
They just need to work on fixing a little side-effect known to researchers as "The Pinocchio Problem."

A blind man who slammed into a tree after taking his friend's BMW out for a drive has been fined $513 for drunken driving.
"Sir, could you please blow into the breathylzer. Sir, that's my finger, sir."

House Speaker Dennis Hastert has urged Republicans and Democrats to provide President Bill Clinton with a respectful reception next week when he gives the State of the Union address.
Actually, the Congress will not technically be *engaging in* the State of The Union address since President Clinton will be *giving* the oral address and they will only be *receiving* it.

A U.S. Court of Appeals ruled Friday that John Hinckley, who shot President Ronald Reagan 17 years ago, can be granted supervised release.
The cured Hinckley says he plans to just relax maybe rent "Contact," "Silence of the Lambs", "Little Man Tate", and perhaps "Nell".

A Louisiana State University professor claims in a lawsuit that an associate dean pulled her onto his lap and spanked her while chanting "You're a bad girl!"
I'm not sure what his defense will be, but I'm guessing it involved the word *naughty*.

Scientists report that vultures are dying off in alarming numbers in India.
The trend is expected to be slowed with the opening of the expanded New Delhi School of Law.

According to a study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology, women whose jobs are stressful are twice as likely to have shorter menstrual periods than women whose jobs are not stressful.
... and the husbands of women with unstressful jobs but long menstrual periods are *extremely stressed*.

"The Daily Probe", Copyright 1999, Chris White


This year saw many great scientific advances, but truly exciting developments await us in 1999. Let me both recap and wax ponderous as we LOOK BACK AND PEER INTO THE FUTURE!

1998: Doctors devise flu vaccine that may be taken nasally - proves 350% more effective than injection.
1999: Doctors devise managed care payment system that may be paid through the nose no change in many plans.

1998: Astronomers predict near miss of asteroid, only to be proven wrong at the last minute.
1999: Astronomers allow earth to be struck without warning by NEO-374-189b, spiteful bastards.

1998: Federal regulations on the advertising of prescription medicine relax, allowing a flow of verbose disclaimer-ridden commercials unseen since saccharine hit the shelves.
1999: "War on Tobacco" begins.

1998: Internet IPO's reach fever-pitched growth.
1999: Insiders cash out, spurring building growth as they move out of their parents' garages.

1998: President Bill Clinton's affair with 21 year old intern revealed, causing other politicos' dalliances to be exposed.
1999: Scientists development of biowaste-resistant fabric speeded up by large Congressional grant.

1998: Multiple births bring to question ethics of various fertility treatments.
1999: Birth of antichrist brings to question ethics of having children at all.

1998: Cloning of sheep "Dolly" makes headlines, sparks outrage.
1999: Scientists isolate gene for "disliking of cloned sheep," develop vaccine.

1998: Developments in science improve quality of living for all, not just rich.
1999: Species of levitating swine found living on frozen northern precipice called "hell."

[Thanks to Craig]

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

[Thanks to Craig]

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various other corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!



How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 408
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Fred

Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Fred: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Fred up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Fred: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

[Thanks to Craig]

Did you hear about the new $3-Million Redneck State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo? In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name. In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, its Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.

[Thanks to Craig]

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


15. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband..."
14. "Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!"
13. "Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass."
12. "Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."
11. "Are you impeachin' me? Are you impeachin' me? You gotta be impeachin' me cuz I'm the only President standin' here."
10. "I don't think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics.."
9. "Any of y'all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal's phone number?"
8. "This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people."
7. "Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it know what I'm sayin'?"
6. "Acquit me, or the stock market gets it."
5. "I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."
4. "(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left you can see right up her skirt!)"
3. "First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin."
2. "Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!"

     and's Number 1 Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Line...

1. "I'm not under oath, am I?"

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Craig]

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: I swear by Almighty God...
WITNESS: I swear by Almighty God.
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: Thats right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: Repeat it.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: That the evidence that I give.
CLERK: Shall be the truth and...
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: Shall be the truth and...
WITNESS: Im not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: Shall be the truth and...
WITNESS: Shall be the truth and.
CLERK: Say: Nothing....
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Dont say nothing. Say: Nothing but the truth...
CLERK: Cant you say: Nothing but the truth...?
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: Youre confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: Nothing but the truth....
WITNESS: Is that all?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
CLERK: Nothing but the truth...
WITNESS: But I do! Thats just it.
CLERK: You must say: Nothing but the truth...
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: Nothing, But, The, Truth.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: Nothing. But. The. Truth.
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

[Thanks to Craig]

Three guys were talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

[Thanks to Craig]

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

[Thanks to Brad Brad's Home Page ]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Aha, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

[Thanks to Craig]

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men (Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. (Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Beauty is only a light switch away. (Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC)
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. (Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA)
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. (Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC)
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. (Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC)
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. (Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (Written in the dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ)
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! (Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT)
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. (Revolution Books, New York, NY)
Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers (Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom)
You're too good for him. (Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA)

[Thanks to Twila and Craig]

Please take the following Manliness Assessment...

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

  1. lovemaking
  2. screwing
  3. boinking

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

  1. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
  2. your blood-test results
  3. five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

  1. your partner climaxes first
  2. you both climax simultaneously
  3. you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

  1. healthy, creative love-play
  2. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
  3. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

  1. the best part of the experience
  2. the second best part of the experience
  3. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last months. You tell her that it is:

  1. No concern of yours
  2. not a problem, she can join your gym
  3. a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

  1. a myth
  2. an oxymoron
  3. a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

  1. appetizer is to entree
  2. primer is to paint
  3. a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

  1. "I hope we can still be friends."
  2. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
  3. "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

  1. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
  2. is uptight and a waste of time
  3. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results If you answered:

"a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
"b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
"c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"

[Thanks to Craig]

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair drier at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think".
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?, What? Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
30. Stomp on little plastic sauce packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

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Love is about surrender -- of one's heart, soul, mind, and body... The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one... What else matters?

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