THE WEEKLY RIOT Ч January 15, 1999

THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 15, 1999

"A person experiences life as something separated from the rest Ч a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. Our task must be to free ourselves from this self-imposed prison, and through compassion, to find the reality of ONEness."

Ч Albert Einstein

THIS WEEK'S DEFINITIONS
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Thingie (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

Dating (dat-ing) v.
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I often wonder why Oedipus gouged out his eyes with pins. Surely he must have seen that Three Stooges episode where Curley shut his eyes real tight and said, "Hey, I can't see!" That would have done the trick. Ч Paul Lara

If I ever see a falling star, I'm going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I'm lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I'll skip work the next day. Ч Abhishek Gami

YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face.

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright й 1999, Jim Rosenberg

New York City landlord Alvin Weiss pleaded guilty Wednesday to hiring a hit man to kill two of his tenants who had complained about conditions in their apartments.
"I have some good news and bad news. The good news is I fixed your oven. The bad news is I'll be jamming your head in it."

The FDA is thinking of putting additional warnings on beer and alcohol.
Warning: May Cause Attractiveness.

A woman faces up to four years in prison for pretending her dog was sick so she could use her pet's painkiller for herself.
Not only did it relieve her pain, it gave her a shinier coat.

Revlon Inc. will slash up to 1,200 jobs, or 7 percent of its work force, as part of a plan to boost profits at the struggling cosmetics giant.
The cuts will be made mostly through attrition, and the complete elimination of "The Department of Vernon Jordan Hires."

At the White House last week, President Clinton danced the tango with Amanda de Fernandez, wife of Argentine Economy Minister Roque Fernandez.
In other news, Ms. Fernandez landed a plum job with Revlon this morning.

The Walt Disney Co. on Friday recalled 3.4 million copies of the animated video The Rescuers, apparently because the photographic image of a nude woman was inserted into the film.
Disney also plans to recall the conroversial "Snow White and the Seven-Inch Dwarfs."

Astronomers said Saturday they have found two new planets orbiting stars outside Earth's solar system.
The Hubble telescope, using infrared imaging, was able to detect the glowing green Starbucks signs.

The Supreme Court on Monday rejected a pair of appeals in which X-rated businesses and their patrons said their free-speech rights were being trampled.
Justice Clarence Thomas, however, indicated the evidence merited "a thorough, sustained and ongoing review."

A drug smuggler died after swallowing three condoms containing 155 grams of heroin before flying from Tajikistan to Moscow, the Russian state customs service said Monday.
The record for most-swallowed-condoms is still held by Madonna, at 19.

ЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧ

--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright й 1999, Chris White

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) Ч The Senate last week opened its trial of President Clinton, following December's impeachment of Clinton by the House of Not Especially Representatives. Democrats continue to criticize the GOP for what they termed a thinly-veiled personal attack resulting from a carefully orchestrated partisan trap, while right-wing Republicans criticize the GOP for not thinking of this sooner. To save time later, GOP members of the House Judiciary Committee have already begun drafting impeachment articles against "Democratic President [Insert Name Here]" to be used at the next earliest opportunity. Rep. George Gekas (Geek Ass - PA) discussed the stand-by articles: "Look, if we can get away with impeaching Clinton for perjury for not answering Starr's grand jury questions about whether he committed other perjury to Starr's satisfaction, why wait next time for an alleged crime to be committed? We'll just ask some questions right off and impeach him if he gets them wrong." Sample questions include: "When did you stop beating your wife?" "After how many digits does pi repeat itself?" and "What number am I thinking of?" MSNBC and Fox News immediately establishednightly talking heads programs to get the jump on numbing us to the next impeachment crisis.

Meanwhile, President Clinton's lawyers are having a devil of a time preparing his defense for the Senate trial. Because the articles do not specify which particular statements by the President are alleged to be perjurious, Clinton's lawyers are having to guess. As White House Counsel Charles Ruff began his response to each of several statements discussed in the press, House impeachment prosecutor Bob Barr (Expletive Deleted - GA) laughed each one off: "Nope, that wasn't the statement," "Ha! Wrong again," "You're so cold! Freezing! You're on Pluto!" Ч Reported by Jonathan Colan and Christopher Johnson

ST. PAUL, MN (DPI) - Jesse "The Mind" Ventura, formerly Jesse "The Body" Ventura when he was a professional wrestler, was sworn in as Governor of the State of Minnesota recently. Immediately after the ceremony, Governor Ventura held his first news conference. "My first official order of business will be to make this damned state warmer. It's too freaking cold in Minnesota and as Governor, I'm going to do something about it!" When asked by a reporter about his campaign promises to cut taxes and to lift restrictions on farmers, such as allowing them to grow industrial hemp, Ventura responded by bodyslamming the reporter to the ground and then shouting out, "Any more of you freakin' wimps wanna try me?! It's too damn cold to work!" There was no word yet on what Ventura has in mind to warm the whole state. In a related story, DPI reported that Gov. Ventura failed his pre-swearing in drug test for steroids and marijuana. Ч Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz

THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

THE PHILOSOPHY OF A KISS...

Nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. Here is a brief but clear summary of some of the important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss Ч a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical
speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss Ч a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss Ч the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss Ч which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore.

GЎdelian kiss Ч a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable
to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Socratic kiss Ч actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic
technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss Ч a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed
entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss Ч a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but
ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss Ч a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really
doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss Ч a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss Ч Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss Ч a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would
find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss Ч A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think,
therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss Ч a hard-to-define kiss Ч the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else
in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss Ч "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Epimenidian kiss Ч a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss Ч a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss Ч shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss Ч your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Procrustean kiss Ч well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've
experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

THE TOP 9 THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY OUT LOUD IN A VICTORIA'S SECRET STORE

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?! Why?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

     And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

1. Forget it honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

The Top 5 List
Copyright й 2000, by Chris White

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE
[Thanks to Craig]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

THE TOP 15 UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES OF THE "MILLENNIUM BUG"

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey".
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks' "2000-Year-Old Man" skit stops being funny. Oops, too late!
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

   And the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug":

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

The Top 5 List
Copyright й 2000, by Chris White

WHY SOME MEN PREFER DATING BIMBOS
[Thanks to Craig]

Much easier to prove that you're superior.

Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

More impressed by the thickness of your wallet, even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of "the guys."

They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality Ч now please finish putting on that French maid outfit."

Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

They will put up with you.

THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS AN AGENT OF SATAN

15. Steadfastly refuses to unbundle his browser from his operating system.
14. Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video.
13. His two big accomplishments of 1998? Signing John Tesh to a 6-record contract and green-lighting 3 Adam Sandler films.
12. C'mon Ч do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you?
11. You: Gorgeous Blond Supermodel
Him: Geeky Dark-Haired Purveyor of Card Tricks
10. He uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot.
9. You say, "I'd sell my soul for a good bagel in this town"; she pulls out a receipt pad.
8. Within months of your ski "accident" she takes your congressional seat, impeaches the president and starts dating a country western drummer.
7. Who cares? She does things with a cigar that'll make you want to bomb Iraq!
6. Her nickname for you? Beelzebuns.
5. Despite his 5 pack a day habit, he's been using the same Bic lighter for 22 years.
4. Don't be naive, Hillary Ч just look at those approval ratings!
3. The head rotating, the screaming and cursing, the pea soupvomit... and it's not even PMS time.
2. While playing Go Fish, she asks, "Got any souls?"

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your S.O. is an Agent Of Satan...

1. Has never once had to reboot his Windows 98 system.

The Top 5 List
Copyright й 2000, by Chris White

GUN SAFETY
[Thanks to Brad Ч Brad's Home Page ]

Bob is all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bob bends over for the bear.

He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bob heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices. Either I maul you to death or wehave sex." Bob bends over.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

LIFE COULD BE WORSE!
[Thanks to Craig]

We were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy... why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up by briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My mother had morning sickness Ч after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father... He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

If I speak to people calmly and clearly, I can articulate my position Ч especially if they can see the safety is off.

On the journey of life I should stop and smell the roses and not forget that obviously the bastard feels bad about whatever he did.

I can feel bad about clipping that old lady at the crosswalk with my car, or I can think, "hey, that old lady had lived long enough."

I can forgive those who slight me and forget their past transgressions, but that doesn't mean I have to feel guilty about "keying" their car.

The pain of falling off my bike helps me remember the license plate of the guy who laughed and drove away.

Sometimes I think of people and their problems and I feel sad. Then I can always smile and think, hey, better them than me.

I can forgive those that slight me and apologize, and I can still disable the primer mechanism under their car.

I can say no to drugs, but I should remember that it is considered rude to turn down other people's hospitality.

I can feel bad about killing minks for their skin, or I can feel happy that I am not having mink roast for dinner.

It is not the getting, it is the having that counts.

Life is a journey and it helps to have a map.

Hindsight may be 20/20, but it would be awfully hard to see out of your Levis.

Killing minks for their fur is a bad thing, but getting laid for giving a fur coat is a good thing.

Making a copy of a software package is not always stealing. Sometimes you need to make an off-site back-up in case the office were to burn down, or in case they fire me.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the can and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and there dreams will be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true then
be selfish and worry about my liver."

I can feel bad about cheating on my spouse, or I can feel good about the love and happiness I spread around the city.

If the police didn't see it, it didn't really happen.

Bartenders get lonely, and just like grandma they like to have you stop by and see them every once in a while.

A court order could be a way for your girlfriend to formalize your relationship in the eyes of the law.

Just because Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones are out-bidding each other for you to appear on their shows does not make you a bad boyfriend.

I can feel sad about all of the people starving in China, or I can be happy that they are not spending a fortune on Jenny Craig.

I call out to my higher power to show me the error of my ways, give me the guidance so I do not repeat my mistakes, and the right words so that I can talk my way out of this ticket.

I can have my cake and eat it too, and not feel so guilty about the inches it will put on my butt.

Having sex on the first date does not make me "easy" Ч it just makes me "user friendly".

I should live each day as if it is to be my last, but that doesn't mean at the end of each day I should pants my boss and punch him or her in the face for being such a moron.

Even a moron can make a good decision. My boss might be a moron, but that moron signs my paycheck each week.

When I play Solitaire on the computer I am not screwing off. I am building hand to eye coordination.

I will remember to blow kisses and mouth out the words, "I LOVE YOU" to everyone I cut off in traffic today.

I may not like the sight of it, but Stevie Wonder sure would.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, but with an appetizer of hot wings and some RITZ Crackers and Cheez Whiz with a little sprig of parsley on the side, it really hits the spot.

If my drinking problem only surfaces when my spouse complains, then it could be classified as only a localized problem and not a full scale actual problem.

The main reason why my boss is complaining about the fact that I am hung over is that they do not have a life of their own. I should show pity on their life and not anger because the yelling is hurting my brain.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution Ч leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

LIFE BACKWARDS
[Thanks to Brad]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards:

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a little baby.

You go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

You finish off as an orgasm.

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THE WEEKLY RIOTJanuary 15, 1999

THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 15, 1999