January 15, 1999

"A person experiences life as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. Our task must be to free ourselves from this self-imposed prison, and through compassion, to find the reality of ONEness."

— Albert Einstein

(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Thingie (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

Dating (dat-ing) v.
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.


I often wonder why Oedipus gouged out his eyes with pins. Surely he must have seen that Three Stooges episode where Curley shut his eyes real tight and said, "Hey, I can't see!" That would have done the trick. — Paul Lara

If I ever see a falling star, I'm going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I'm lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I'll skip work the next day. — Abhishek Gami


People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face.


Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg

New York City landlord Alvin Weiss pleaded guilty Wednesday to hiring a hit man to kill two of his tenants who had complained about conditions in their apartments.
"I have some good news and bad news. The good news is I fixed your oven. The bad news is I'll be jamming your head in it."

The FDA is thinking of putting additional warnings on beer and alcohol.
Warning: May Cause Attractiveness.

A woman faces up to four years in prison for pretending her dog was sick so she could use her pet's painkiller for herself.
Not only did it relieve her pain, it gave her a shinier coat.

Revlon Inc. will slash up to 1,200 jobs, or 7 percent of its work force, as part of a plan to boost profits at the struggling cosmetics giant.
The cuts will be made mostly through attrition, and the complete elimination of "The Department of Vernon Jordan Hires."

At the White House last week, President Clinton danced the tango with Amanda de Fernandez, wife of Argentine Economy Minister Roque Fernandez.
In other news, Ms. Fernandez landed a plum job with Revlon this morning.

The Walt Disney Co. on Friday recalled 3.4 million copies of the animated video The Rescuers, apparently because the photographic image of a nude woman was inserted into the film.
Disney also plans to recall the conroversial "Snow White and the Seven-Inch Dwarfs."

Astronomers said Saturday they have found two new planets orbiting stars outside Earth's solar system.
The Hubble telescope, using infrared imaging, was able to detect the glowing green Starbucks signs.

The Supreme Court on Monday rejected a pair of appeals in which X-rated businesses and their patrons said their free-speech rights were being trampled.
Justice Clarence Thomas, however, indicated the evidence merited "a thorough, sustained and ongoing review."

A drug smuggler died after swallowing three condoms containing 155 grams of heroin before flying from Tajikistan to Moscow, the Russian state customs service said Monday.
The record for most-swallowed-condoms is still held by Madonna, at 19.


Copyright © 1999, Chris White

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — The Senate last week opened its trial of President Clinton, following December's impeachment of Clinton by the House of Not Especially Representatives. Democrats continue to criticize the GOP for what they termed a thinly-veiled personal attack resulting from a carefully orchestrated partisan trap, while right-wing Republicans criticize the GOP for not thinking of this sooner. To save time later, GOP members of the House Judiciary Committee have already begun drafting impeachment articles against "Democratic President [Insert Name Here]" to be used at the next earliest opportunity. Rep. George Gekas (Geek Ass - PA) discussed the stand-by articles: "Look, if we can get away with impeaching Clinton for perjury for not answering Starr's grand jury questions about whether he committed other perjury to Starr's satisfaction, why wait next time for an alleged crime to be committed? We'll just ask some questions right off and impeach him if he gets them wrong." Sample questions include: "When did you stop beating your wife?" "After how many digits does pi repeat itself?" and "What number am I thinking of?" MSNBC and Fox News immediately establishednightly talking heads programs to get the jump on numbing us to the next impeachment crisis.

Meanwhile, President Clinton's lawyers are having a devil of a time preparing his defense for the Senate trial. Because the articles do not specify which particular statements by the President are alleged to be perjurious, Clinton's lawyers are having to guess. As White House Counsel Charles Ruff began his response to each of several statements discussed in the press, House impeachment prosecutor Bob Barr (Expletive Deleted - GA) laughed each one off: "Nope, that wasn't the statement," "Ha! Wrong again," "You're so cold! Freezing! You're on Pluto!" — Reported by Jonathan Colan and Christopher Johnson

ST. PAUL, MN (DPI) - Jesse "The Mind" Ventura, formerly Jesse "The Body" Ventura when he was a professional wrestler, was sworn in as Governor of the State of Minnesota recently. Immediately after the ceremony, Governor Ventura held his first news conference. "My first official order of business will be to make this damned state warmer. It's too freaking cold in Minnesota and as Governor, I'm going to do something about it!" When asked by a reporter about his campaign promises to cut taxes and to lift restrictions on farmers, such as allowing them to grow industrial hemp, Ventura responded by bodyslamming the reporter to the ground and then shouting out, "Any more of you freakin' wimps wanna try me?! It's too damn cold to work!" There was no word yet on what Ventura has in mind to warm the whole state. In a related story, DPI reported that Gov. Ventura failed his pre-swearing in drug test for steroids and marijuana. — Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz

[Thanks to Craig]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. Here is a brief but clear summary of some of the important types of kisses:


9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?! Why?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

     And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

1. Forget it honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Craig]


15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey".
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks' "2000-Year-Old Man" skit stops being funny. Oops, too late!
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

   And the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug":

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Craig]


15. Steadfastly refuses to unbundle his browser from his operating system.
14. Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video.
13. His two big accomplishments of 1998? Signing John Tesh to a 6-record contract and green-lighting 3 Adam Sandler films.
12. C'mon — do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you?
11. You: Gorgeous Blond Supermodel
Him: Geeky Dark-Haired Purveyor of Card Tricks
10. He uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot.
9. You say, "I'd sell my soul for a good bagel in this town"; she pulls out a receipt pad.
8. Within months of your ski "accident" she takes your congressional seat, impeaches the president and starts dating a country western drummer.
7. Who cares? She does things with a cigar that'll make you want to bomb Iraq!
6. Her nickname for you? Beelzebuns.
5. Despite his 5 pack a day habit, he's been using the same Bic lighter for 22 years.
4. Don't be naive, Hillary — just look at those approval ratings!
3. The head rotating, the screaming and cursing, the pea soupvomit... and it's not even PMS time.
2. While playing Go Fish, she asks, "Got any souls?"

     and's Number 1 Sign Your S.O. is an Agent Of Satan...

1. Has never once had to reboot his Windows 98 system.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]

Bob is all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bob bends over for the bear.

He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bob heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices. Either I maul you to death or wehave sex." Bob bends over.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Thanks to Craig]

[Thanks to Brad]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards:

Previous Issue                     Next Issue

Return to The WEEKLY RIOT Archives

Subscribe to The WEEKLY RIOT

Return to The Goddess

Love is about surrender -- of one's heart, soul, mind, and body... The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one... What else matters?

WebGoddess:  Victoria

| Star Goddess | Photos | Soul Mates | Humor | Quotes | Current Affairs | Passionate Poetry | Postcards | Horoscopes | INFP | Links |

Web Goddess Designs --